4/17/26

“There is big magic in hope, especially in the face of hardship and adversity.” – Mandi Em 

I really liked the first romantic half of Hamnet, and was a little dreading watching the second half because I saw some foreshadowing of tragedy and I didn’t know if I felt like watching too-serious things. I cried (like hard) through most of the rest of it, but I’m glad I watched to the end; it was really beautiful. 

4/18/26

last night I dreamed that I needed a ride home from high school, and thought “too bad i’m in Oregon now” because I thought of a few guys I’d like to ask back in NJ, for a romantic ride home.

4/19/26

10:04 PM – While holding Hunter and him kissing me, he said, “you smell like tea and infinite farts” and then in the next second farted on me, and said, “now you smell like more tea and infinite farts” 

4/20/26

The other day we were walking quickly across the beach at Cape Kiwanda at dusk, trying to get back to our camp before the beach gate closed, and there were these little rivers running from land toward the ocean that we had to step over, and I was trying to walk through them in a way to not get my feet wet, but there was one we crossed that I could not find a dry place to step, so squealed loudly as I stepped my whole foot into the water and ran to catch up with R and Hunter. When I got there, Hunter said, “Mama, why didn’t you put the board down and step on it?” I had been carrying a little surfboard, and when he said that, I looked at R and we both froze for a second- i looked down and realized he was right – that’s exactly what I should’ve done. We were shocked by his insight, and laughed that maybe all his video game playing had an upside.

4/22/26

I like where we are now, in Seaside, Oregon. In our camp at night, we can hear the frogs croaking all night, and also maybe crickets- so peaceful. I’m really liking the beachtown vibe of these coast towns like Pacific City and Seaside and basically all the cute towns we passed driving down the coast, but we need to actually settle in a place that’s not as retirement/resort like, and more, I guess, busier/normal/good schools? For Hunter. A place that will have lots more kids his own age. If it was just R and I though, I would choose somewhere like here to live – i’ve always wanted to be near the beach. In Jersey, whenever we’d visit the shore, I’d gaze at the quaint, pastel painted houses and want to live there year round. 

4/15/26

This morning Hunter kept calling me “gentleman lady!” while we were roughhousing

in the afternoon, walking to the library, we passed a big puddle: “oh mommy look at that big puddle. It’s hunormous!”

later, on the drive home from playing at the library (he’s not interested in any books, just the toys there), he asked me out of the blue, “what’s apocalypse?”

4/16/26

i think the word I’m most suspicious of is “arrived”

and the word i like most is “ongoing”

“sometimes all it takes is some intention setting, some challenging of limiting beliefs, and a relentless commitment to realigning your vibe.” – Mandi Em

4/4/26

tonight after my shower, I noticed that the top of my right foot was a little raised and dry. The only reason I noticed is because when putting on my socks, I instinctively flipped my right sock inside out because the skin there was too sensitive to have the terrycloth-like texture rubbing against it, and I preferred the smooth outside of the sock, which made me look twice, then I realized. As long as it stays like this, it’s fine and not a big problem. As long as it doesn’t get full-blown. it doesn’t have to be perfect. I guess it’s to be expected, no matter where I am, because it is pollen season and everything gets blown everywhere, and the most I can hope for is just to be somewhere where there’s just the most minimal pollen possible, as nowhere will be absolute zero.

4/6/26

it’s been a day or two, and the spot I was talking about feels and seems completely gone. I feel like I’m in a sweet spot now: my feet are healed, staying healed, and every day that passes and they stay healed is another day that proves that yes I should have moved, yes I should have traveled this far, yes this is where I belong. And then the days are also passing quickly: Hunter just wants to play all the time and I don’t even have time for my own stuff; I constantly feel like I’m being rushed everywhere and to the next place-  that I always have something I need to remember or write down, that I’m afraid I’ll forget; there’s always full trash cans to be taken out to the dumpster and laundry to be washed or put away and bathrooms to be cleaned and things to be tidied, things to be gotten rid of or donated – he’s always growing out of his clothes or making holes in them, growing out of his shoes; there’s always work and alarms going off – I currently have 8 alarms for the weekdays; and then we’re still looking for land/a house, so that’s a lot of work, and then the process of buying that land, getting it financed, and fixing it up….so I’ll see if I’m right about all of this sooner than later – the months are passing fast. 

4/10/26

today, cut R’s hair for the first time. i told him to tell me what to do, cause i didn’t know what i was doing. started laughing near the end because of how much i didn’t know what i was doing. at first shaved from the bottom towards the top, but wasn’t sure what to do with the rest- i snipped some, shaved some more. but the whole time, Hunter was screaming: about not leaving his side, about his food, about the flies around his food outside, wanting the haircut to be over, wanting to go get his promised toy right now at that very moment. So that was distracting and distressing both of us, and the haircut was definitely not peaceful, orderly, or symmetrical at all. R still said it was ok, very graciously like he always does, and that it was better than spending $40 for one. 

3/30/26

yesterday afternoon, had one of the greatest moments. It was: I had just showered in the campground shower, alone the whole time without anyone else coming into the bathroom, and I’d remembered to bring nearly everything I needed, and in the shower had time to exfoliate and do everything I needed and wanted to do, and felt warm and clean, but most of all, my feet – they were smooth, unblemished, painless. The moment at first started in the shower- anticipating walking back up to the trailer in my shower flip-flops, and then actually doing it: The sun was setting, the air was really cool after being in the humid shower for a long time, I walked back up the steep, sandy hill in my long sleeve cotton PJs, with a towel wrapped around my hair, and my comfortable feet flip flopping. Passing the ocean on my left, I couldn’t believe how lucky I was. just six months ago, I couldn’t picture anything like this moment. it was so perfect, my heart overflowed. I also felt something like guilt or regret – enjoying myself so much, while so many others in the world suffer. The images I see on Facebook and Instagram, of war and suffering children, flashed in my mind as I walked up the peaceful hill, perfectly contained and content. I can’t deny though: I’m no stranger to suffering.  that’s probably also a big reason why i found an “everyday” moment so glorious: being so recently chronically deprived of peace, I appreciate it more now wherever I can find it.

4/2/26

“your belly jiggles like chocolate meat!” -Hunter

“I like balloons because it looks like your belly when I was in it” -Hunter 

4/3/26

we wake up in bed, are lounging, cuddling, and giggling, and then Hunter is squeezing handfuls of my belly, then suddenly starts cracking up so hard, like someone just told him a joke. I say, “what?” And all he says is: “your belly”

4/4/26

“this is my favorite checkpoint!” – Hunter while squeezing and slapping my belly this morning

3/25/26

last night Hunter slept with me once again, but he’s sick with congestion and a slight cough, so in addition to tossing and turning, there was another very tangible layer of worry I had. He woke up like three times whining pitifully because of his stuffy nose (but wouldn’t blow it), and one time I gave him the nasal spray to use, though still he refused to blow it afterwards. he woke up another time saying his leg hurt and asked for his growing pains tea, which I gave, so it was a really sleepless night. I worried that maybe he was getting really sick. I got out andrographis tincture and tried a dropperful myself (it was really bitter) but brainstormed ways to get it into him as i lay awake. When he woke up, I offered, but it doesn’t seem like he’s going to take it at all. But then this morning, when he actually woke up for the day, after he peed, he started smiling and was bouncy-happy like himself again, and the burden just instantly lifted when I saw this – I can’t even describe how much better I felt, seeing that he was not seriously sick.

3/26/26

H slept a lot better last night. woke up only like once, and his breathing was smoother too. i’m so glad. he’s a strong boy – i didn’t even give him (he wouldn’t take) any medicine yesterday- he just had a little soup, tea, and then popcorn, snacks… and then at night, some cheese, and steak that R bbq’d. i put rice and veggies in front of him too and pleaded, but he wouldn’t eat them. i’m so glad he’s better. every time he woke and sat up congested the other night, my heart dropped. 

being in oregon, at the end of our planned trip, it feels like a transition stage now – like going from traveling to now looking at where to settle. we’ve started looking at places in Oregon; it’s beautiful and peaceful here, the people seem nice – diverse, kind, and accepting- it’s not as expensive as california, definitely, and along the coast it looks like my pollen offenders are low to nonexistent. i told R that even if everything ended right now- like a nuclear bomb just ended us- I’ve had fun on this whole trip, it was really an adventure. that I was glad we weren’t striving towards one goal, but just having fun at every stop along the way. i’m glad I married an adventurer, who isn’t afraid of traveling or pioneering. He literally moves me, and I’m glad to go along.

3/30/26

arrived in Pacific City finally, yesterday. with both my feet still smooth, thank god, and i feel like (hope) if we stay around here, they’ll stay smooth. the pollen app said that there’s no tree pollen here that im allergic to. it’s just kinda cold – 40s-60s during day, and down to around 30s at night. also it’s a tsunami zone…but really beautiful, with the huge ocean always just a few steps away.

3/17/26

I’ve been worried for the past couple days, about nuclear war. I’m not so much worried about dying instantly, but I’m worried about getting hurt and suffering, like if I don’t die instantly and buildings fall on me or I only get half burnt or something, and then there is no medical help because everyone else is vaporized… or worse, if the baby or R is hurt like this. That would be worse. 

3/22/26

i said before that i would always choose Hunter over myself. but today…i think i change my mind about it. I got another eczema herpeticum breakout yesterday, a fairly big patch on my chin. it’s uncomfortable and unsightly as always. today is the crusty yellowing stage, and everyone (my brother, Hunter) noticed, even though I knew since yesterday I had it, and told R yesterday. i cried when i realized i was getting it, yesterday morning. i’m still in the first half of my cycle, and I’m not sick/didn’t just get over a sickness, so the only other cause it can be is sleep disturbance/stress, which makes sense because my sleep has been continually disturbed by sleeping with Hunter, waking up what seems like every hour when he tosses and turns next to me (sleeping in his own bed without anyone else in the room did not last long at all). and i’m still stressed daily with my brother here. the breakout feels to me like my body is saying “take care of yourself- or else this” and I feel like I should listen to it. Like… there’s nothing else I can do but listen to it, if it’s saying something. To not listen would be stupidity. And H doesn’t need me to sleep w him, by which I mean, he won’t be worse off (he was fine before when it was just him in his own bed with R in a separate bed in the same room) (tho cannot sleep this way currently because my brother’s stuff is all over the bed where R would sleep.) Last night I slept in his bed by myself, and had a lot better sleep, and had R sleep with him in my bed, and this morning when I asked, R said it was hard – that he woke up a lot sleeping with him.  brother is leaving in a few days, so hopefully we can all go back to how it was – with every person having their own bed.

3/7/26

today I was able to clip the nails on both hands AND both feet – it made me so happy actually, like happier than you would think. The situation it happened was: he was watching youtube on his iPad as usual, so I thought it might be a good time, and sat down and started clipping them, but he still wouldn’t let me do it – after one or two toes, wriggled them away, until I held up his big toe to him and said, “Look! look how long it is, it needs to be cut” and he looked, and they were long, and then he seemed to acquiesce. And then I had to do the same thing with one of his fingers when he started wiggling them away – I held up his one thumb and told him to look how long it was, and that worked too, and I just (unbelievably) got them all done in one sitting. usually it is just the hands or just the feet, or even just one hand or 1 foot, in one sitting. 

even though i felt allergic the other day in my throat and behind my knees, i’m grateful i’m not feeling it constantly – that after that day, it was gone- the symptoms- they didn’t linger anywhere. my feet and all my skin have been fine in general, and i feel so much better than i did when we started this trip in September. R and I were asking each other if maybe the oak and birch isn’t the same species on this side of the country as it is on the east coast.

3/9/26

“Mama? why do everyone farts?” – question Hunter asked as soon as he woke up next to me this morning. 

he’s also been asking us “what is your face for?” “What are your nipples for?”, “what are you for?” etc.

3/11/26

The past just like two nights, when given the choice, Hunter has chosen for R to put him to bed in his own bedroom with the little twin bed, and not with me. He sleeps there most of the night but calls out “Dada” once or twice, which R then gets up from beside me and goes to comfort him, then comes back. I think it started when he built a pillow fort on his bed- he was really excited about it and wanted to sleep in it. it’s nice to have more space in bed now, we’ll see how long it lasts I guess. There is this bittersweet twinge when he runs to his own bed and I do miss sleeping with him a little, but I like sleeping with R, and at least R has boundaries, like he knows to pretty much stay on his side and I don’t have to sit up and physically shift him back to his side during the night, like I do frequently with Hunter.  

this morning, Hunter woke up in his bed and ran to my bed, we were giggling and screaming and cuddling, then he randomly, very loudly declared, “Mama, I’m a cold mint chip!”

had one of the most perfect moments of my life tonight: I was with my boys. R and Hunter had gone up ahead to the playground, and after I finished cleaning up a bit, I grabbed jackets and my bag and ran out to join them. the park we’re at, the playground is just a few seconds’ walk away. We were the only ones there, and we played. We ran and we chased, and I could see in Hunter’s face that he was having so much fun with just the simplest of games, like hide and seek, with us. Finally it got too dark, we could hardly see anymore –  it was at the tail end of dusk, almost night, so we started back, and the perfect moment was just walking behind them, watching the left wheel of H’s Bluey scooter light up as it went round in the darkness, and the lights on his red Spidey shoes blinking too as R dragged the scooter over the gravel with Hunter on it. It was just so peaceful, everything so painless and beautiful.

3/12/26

Today mid-afternoon, we went to a car wash in/around Yuba City, CA, near where we are now, mostly just to drive Hunter for a while to let him fall asleep for a nap (he didn’t) because he’s been acting irritable and tired around that time of day. on the way home, we came to a big intersection, and saw a No Kings demonstration happening across the street. I was like “yes” and climbed in the front seat, and rolled the window down. We were stopped at the light so I had time. It was beautifully sunny out, and I told Hunter, “when we pass these people over there, you can make as loud of noises as you want.” When the light turned green, as we were making our left turn and passing them on our right, Rodrigo honked in support and I yelled “WOOOOOOOO!!!” the whole time with two big thumbs up , smiling at them, and Hunter yelled too. I haven’t been able to get to a protest recently, so was glad I could help in that little way, and it felt really good doing it too. Later Hunter asked why we just yelled so loud at those people, and I told him we were supporting them, because they were fighting for our rights. I told him that not every country is free, but we live in a free country, where you can say your opinion and not get in trouble. 

3/14/26

the other night in bed, I wasn’t really tired and I guess R wasn’t either, cause we stayed up a long time just talking. We talked about so many things: about how Hunter’s doing, if we would make it to Oregon (it’s gonna be like a 7 1/2 hr drive), about the supposed Iran drone targeting of California, politics, political theory, where we want to live, how we want to live. I felt the weight and uncertainty of this new war heavy upon us, and said to R, “I’m glad at least I’ve done basically all the things i wanted to do in life – fall in love, get married, and have a baby.” And R said he had too, and added that he thinks Hunter is a happy kid, who had a happy life. All of this said under the unsaid presumption that we might all die (from war side effects) or be separated (like from ice operations) sometime soon, but despite the kind of grave subject, the effect of the conversation on me was relief, connection, and renewed love. 

3/4/26

something I didn’t feel bad about at the time, but then did later, thinking about it again: R and I had been resting in bed, and then he got up because Hunter needed attention. Then, he suddenly popped his head back in and asked, “did you take the trash out?” and I hadn’t. And he hadn’t, so it was my brother. I heard him thank my brother later for it. But what made me feel regret later was, I was thinking about the super-pleasantly-surprised tone that he asked “did you take the trash out?” and I realized that it was a relief for him to not do it once again, by how happy he sounded. It made me realize that I should do it more- i’ve taken the trash to the dumpster maybe twice in the past 6 months. 

 But – it also reminded me of the one time,  when we were still in the old house, that he changed his stinky shower towel himself. When i was in the bathroom i sniffed the towel and it smelled fresh, and I gasped and ran out and asked him, “did you change your own bathroom towel?” with pretty much the same exact tone he used about the trash today, because it was one time out of the like 60 times I had done it before. So I directly know how he felt today.

Today, was outside almost the whole day because Wi-Fi didn’t work in the trailer, so I had to sit out near the lodge area to work (the actual lodge was locked- they don’t open til 10 am, and that’s 1 pm work time bc my work is in EST) and it was windy, and I guess a lot of pollen and stuff was blowing around cause I felt in the back of my throat, that familiar allergic sensation. Then later, in the evening, the back of my left knee was itchy and when I felt both the backs of my knees, they felt bumpy. I think it was connected – the allergic throat feeling and then my bumpy skin later. I’m glad we’re headed up to Oregon coast, to where it looks like there’s nothing I’m allergic to. we should be there in a month, and will try to stay there through the warm months up to the winter. Even if my skin starts getting bad now, if my theory is right, it should all start to reverse once we get there. This spring and summer on the coast is really gonna prove or disprove everything. 

3/6/26

lesson I’m learning for the first time, on the road: just how many times I can wear the same day outfit and night outfit. The first like 6 months of this trip, I was loosely sticking to the same kind of laundry load we had back at the house. Then one day like the other week, as we were on our way to the laundromat yet again, my brother said, “do you ever think about just wearing the same outfit every single day, so you don’t have to do laundry?” and I actually had never really thought of it. I was doing like the same pants for a few days, the same top a few times, but I never hardcore tried it. So I’ve been trying it like the past two weeks, and it’s nice – besides drastically reducing laundry, it also really takes the mental work out of dressing every day. Still changing undies and socks pretty much at the same rate. And can’t do it w Hunter cause he daily rolls on the ground and uses his clothes as his breakfast, lunch and dinner napkin, but I can, and I think R already kind of was. 

2/22/26

got a pretty significant herpeticum breakout patch that started yesterday, but it’s kind of hard to see unless I tilt my head back because it’s just under my right jawline. Surprised because it doesn’t fit into any categories of when I usually get it: 1) during breast-feeding, 2) just got over a sickness, or 3) in the second half of my menstrual cycle when it seems my immunity is lower (I’m in the middle of the first half). The only thing I can think is my body is just too stressed: stress from my brother being here and also, I guess as a result, Hunter sleeping with me and my quality of sleep being affected (I noticed I am curled up tight in a ball all night, every night since Hunter sleeps with me > because I’m cold > because I don’t put my heater on when he’s here > because I know that he runs much hotter than I do). Those are the biggest stressors I have right now. I still feel bad about it even though it’s not immediately noticeable, because Hunter grabs me a lot there when he puts his arms around me when I’m holding him- I have to turn my chin down all the way to my chest so he doesn’t touch it, every time, and just be extra cautious around him all the time now until it goes away, and his motions are animated and unpredictable as you would assume of a toddler. I told R this morning that we have to do the thing we talked about – switching beds after Hunter falls asleep. 

2/26/26

Rodrigo and I were discussing my sleep yesterday, and R said he knows I want to give Hunter the best, but I have to keep in mind that sometimes the best thing for Hunter will result in diminishing my health some, so I have to make choices knowing that. But I feel like it’s a no-brainer: I’ll always choose him. I feel how he loves all night to put his feet against my belly or reach out his hand or leg towards me to make sure I’m there, and I don’t think I can leave him at night, even though I technically could leave the bed after he falls asleep and go sleep in his room and switch beds with R. I feel like it comforts him, and he’s actually said in words that me sleeping with him comforts him – keeps him from getting nightmares – so I won’t take that away from him. Even though my sleep is not as good as it would be alone, I love that I’m doing my best for him and I love seeing his face in the morning, still sleeping – it makes me feel lucky and thankful before I even get up and start my day. he peed in the bed and wet a lot of our clothes last night, and I was thinking: just until he stops needing to wear diapers at night and stops peeing in the bed, I’ll sleep with him. Until then, he’s still a baby. still my baby. 

*

I dreamt I was with another man, early this morning between waking up and falling back asleep. The man was a guy I know in reality, who I was friends with I think when we were in middle school, but know only through Facebook now, who has intense blue eyes. I was coming into the city for work or something, into a busy train station, but I knew he would be there somewhere and as my train was arriving, I scanned the crowd for him and saw his profile in the periphery, and my heart leapt. then when I got off the train, I was pushed around by the exiting throng and was worried we’d missed each other as I got pushed away from the train and closer towards the street, but suddenly, right before the portal to the street, he was beside me, and took my arm and we got pushed through the exit together, and then we were out on the busy sidewalk walking arm-in-arm in the same direction and i was talking excitedly and breathlessly about just superficial things I think, and he was listening intently and responding, but the hugest thing was the underlying current of attraction – so much so that when I exclaimed about something I was talking about, I involuntarily pushed my arm further through his and naturally found his hand and squeezed, then remembered I had a husband and in that same second pulled it back, but before I could really retreat, he grabbed my hand and squeezed and held it there in his, which was the highlight of the whole dream, of my whole life.

2-17-26

today i let Hunter dunk a lemon balm tea bag into the water in his tea kettle and he said, “it’s so satisfying to see the bag melt.” meaning the sight of the dry tea bag absorbing all the liquid. but his use of the word “satisfying” caught me off guard; i’d never heard him use it before and it seemed a too-many-syllable word for a 4 year old. 

tonight around 11:30, during a storm, i woke up to lights turning on and R putting his jacket on and holding a flashlight saying “a tree fell outside” and to call the office but i was at first so groggy from sleep that none of it was registering. he went outside to check on the ppl whose trailer the tree fell on, which thank god they were not injured. then came back in and tried to show me the damage from inside, but it was too dark and cold and rainy to see, and i didn’t wanna go outside. R said their ceiling was basically caved in from the tree. it’s now almost 1 am and i still can’t sleep. the trailer’s rocking and shaking and being stormed on, i just checked weather and saw a weak tornado possible in the area. just laying here worrying, praying and listening to the rain and wind. 

2/18/26

Last night while i was reading Hunter a story, shortly before he fell asleep, he blurted out seemingly randomly to me, “that’s why i like to sleep with you not daddy! cause his snoring wakes me up!” (he had kicked R out of the bed too before he said it) we’re still sleeping together every night. He says sleeping with me keeps him from getting nightmares. but my sleep quality definitely suffers because of it. R and I talking about switching beds after he falls asleep.

Baby laughed again in his sleep last night. Despite the tree falling and all the storm anxiety, it made me big smile, and gave me a moment of sweet relief. He gives me a lot of those moments actually- when i’m stressed about something, H will just be there doing silly things, making everything more manageable. even when he’s “unmanageable”, like throwing a tantrum, I still like to look into his face and smile because i’m so glad he’s my baby.