nuclear

3/17/26

I’ve been worried for the past couple days, about nuclear war. I’m not so much worried about dying instantly, but I’m worried about getting hurt and suffering, like if I don’t die instantly and buildings fall on me or I only get half burnt or something, and then there is no medical help because everyone else is vaporized… or worse, if the baby or R is hurt like this. That would be worse. 

3/22/26

i said before that i would always choose Hunter over myself. but today…i think i change my mind about it. I got another eczema herpeticum breakout yesterday, a fairly big patch on my chin. it’s uncomfortable and unsightly as always. today is the crusty yellowing stage, and everyone (my brother, Hunter) noticed, even though I knew since yesterday I had it, and told R yesterday. i cried when i realized i was getting it, yesterday morning. i’m still in the first half of my cycle, and I’m not sick/didn’t just get over a sickness, so the only other cause it can be is sleep disturbance/stress, which makes sense because my sleep has been continually disturbed by sleeping with Hunter, waking up what seems like every hour when he tosses and turns next to me (sleeping in his own bed without anyone else in the room did not last long at all). and i’m still stressed daily with my brother here. the breakout feels to me like my body is saying “take care of yourself- or else this” and I feel like I should listen to it. Like… there’s nothing else I can do but listen to it, if it’s saying something. To not listen would be stupidity. And H doesn’t need me to sleep w him, by which I mean, he won’t be worse off (he was fine before when it was just him in his own bed with R in a separate bed in the same room) (tho cannot sleep this way currently because my brother’s stuff is all over the bed where R would sleep.) Last night I slept in his bed by myself, and had a lot better sleep, and had R sleep with him in my bed, and this morning when I asked, R said it was hard – that he woke up a lot sleeping with him.  brother is leaving in a few days, so hopefully we can all go back to how it was – with every person having their own bed.