2/22/26
got a pretty significant herpeticum breakout patch that started yesterday, but it’s kind of hard to see unless I tilt my head back because it’s just under my right jawline. Surprised because it doesn’t fit into any categories of when I usually get it: 1) during breast-feeding, 2) just got over a sickness, or 3) in the second half of my menstrual cycle when it seems my immunity is lower (I’m in the middle of the first half). The only thing I can think is my body is just too stressed: stress from my brother being here and also, I guess as a result, Hunter sleeping with me and my quality of sleep being affected (I noticed I am curled up tight in a ball all night, every night since Hunter sleeps with me > because I’m cold > because I don’t put my heater on when he’s here > because I know that he runs much hotter than I do). Those are the biggest stressors I have right now. I still feel bad about it even though it’s not immediately noticeable, because Hunter grabs me a lot there when he puts his arms around me when I’m holding him- I have to turn my chin down all the way to my chest so he doesn’t touch it, every time, and just be extra cautious around him all the time now until it goes away, and his motions are animated and unpredictable as you would assume of a toddler. I told R this morning that we have to do the thing we talked about – switching beds after Hunter falls asleep.
2/26/26
Rodrigo and I were discussing my sleep yesterday, and R said he knows I want to give Hunter the best, but I have to keep in mind that sometimes the best thing for Hunter will result in diminishing my health some, so I have to make choices knowing that. But I feel like it’s a no-brainer: I’ll always choose him. I feel how he loves all night to put his feet against my belly or reach out his hand or leg towards me to make sure I’m there, and I don’t think I can leave him at night, even though I technically could leave the bed after he falls asleep and go sleep in his room and switch beds with R. I feel like it comforts him, and he’s actually said in words that me sleeping with him comforts him – keeps him from getting nightmares – so I won’t take that away from him. Even though my sleep is not as good as it would be alone, I love that I’m doing my best for him and I love seeing his face in the morning, still sleeping – it makes me feel lucky and thankful before I even get up and start my day. he peed in the bed and wet a lot of our clothes last night, and I was thinking: just until he stops needing to wear diapers at night and stops peeing in the bed, I’ll sleep with him. Until then, he’s still a baby. still my baby.
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I dreamt I was with another man, early this morning between waking up and falling back asleep. The man was a guy I know in reality, who I was friends with I think when we were in middle school, but know only through Facebook now, who has intense blue eyes. I was coming into the city for work or something, into a busy train station, but I knew he would be there somewhere and as my train was arriving, I scanned the crowd for him and saw his profile in the periphery, and my heart leapt. then when I got off the train, I was pushed around by the exiting throng and was worried we’d missed each other as I got pushed away from the train and closer towards the street, but suddenly, right before the portal to the street, he was beside me, and took my arm and we got pushed through the exit together, and then we were out on the busy sidewalk walking arm-in-arm in the same direction and i was talking excitedly and breathlessly about just superficial things I think, and he was listening intently and responding, but the hugest thing was the underlying current of attraction – so much so that when I exclaimed about something I was talking about, I involuntarily pushed my arm further through his and naturally found his hand and squeezed, then remembered I had a husband and in that same second pulled it back, but before I could really retreat, he grabbed my hand and squeezed and held it there in his, which was the highlight of the whole dream, of my whole life.
Marriage Journal 