2/10/26

have been sleeping with Hunter lately. It started out with my brother and Hunter in the same room, but my brother since moved his tent outside for sleeping at night, so Hunter was left by himself and would come to R & mine’s bed in the middle of the night every night, so end up here anyway. So R started sleeping in that room by himself in Hunter’s bed (w R’s old bed kinda taken up still, bc that’s the corner where my bro keeps his stuff), and then Hunter and I cuddled in my bed every night now. It’s nice – I feel grateful and it’s reminiscent of the old days when I’d sleep with him when we breastfed, except it’s nowhere near as bad because I’m not waking up every hour to feed him. it’s sweet – I read to him and he falls asleep, and then even though he changes his positions a lot during sleep, he subconsciously makes sure his feet and/or hands are always touching me – he likes that reassurance of someone next to him. The only bad thing is that my sleep is not as deep, because I wake up like every time he moves. but i love seeing his face every time i turn my head – his face is wild and perfect. he’s been getting even heavier lately too – weighed him at 34.4 lbs.

2/11/26

A sweet side effect of my brother staying with us: it’s made me love my husband more. I realized how eye to eye we see on things, when I compare. Also, I’d always thought of that passage that starts with, “love is patient, love is kind…” to refer to your beloved and how you treat each other. But I see that R is patient and he is kind with my brother, when he doesn’t have to be – I see him trying hard with him, even though I know sharing such a small space to begin with, with another person is really difficult, and it melts my heart to sideways glance at him during these times, like when he’s offering my brother food, or when he’s forcing conversation beyond the niceties. he definitely raises the standard for me, helps me, gives me a good example to follow, because this change in our living dynamics has been hard for me too- i’ve been struggling to keep inner and outer peace – and throughout, my husband does nothing but lift me up- initiating walks every day, sometimes multiple times a day to get away- we’ve been walking together a lot more, calming me when i raise concerns, leaving me alone when i turn my music on and shut my room off. i’m like reading 1 Corinthians at 5 in the morning trying to deal, but R is just naturally kind. i know no one’s perfect and everyone has vulnerabilities, but in this situation, he’s proven to be my rock.

2/2/26

had a dream this morning that we were at our RV park and this big brown bulldog suddenly came up to me, and I was scared because I thought he was gonna bite me, but he like saddled up to me and was basically spooning me from behind, it seems like he just wanted to cuddle? But the whole time I was uncomfortable because I thought he might suddenly bite me. I somehow got away, that included waiting it out i think, and I think R was protecting me somehow from the dog later.

since thursday 1/29 my brother has been living in our trailer w us after a falling out with our dad. it was pretty sudden, the whole thing transpiring in just several days. it’s ok… i’m a little glad he’s here, a little annoyed. the dynamic has definitely changed with his arrival: we are four people now in here, so R has been sleeping in my bed with me, with my brother sleeping where R used to. R uses my bathroom much more now, and I’m closing my room off more whenever I change- before, I didn’t have to hide this. and then Hunter is obsessed and in love with my brother, so follows him around almost 24/7, playing video games a lot together. This disperses and lowers the big burden of childcare to a much more manageable state, for me. yesterday I took a shower and didn’t have as much worry about rushing through it to relieve R, because now R has my brother’s help – we both do. 

February – this might be the last month that my skin is OK, if we don’t find a solution to it getting bad for most the year. I’m excited that we may be onto the solution, but also scared that maybe we aren’t, or we’re not in the right place geographically pollen-wise. That we didn’t find the right place yet. 

2/6/26

today, the first day in like a year or two I was able to wear my favorite shoes. cause my skin still better. the real test that i’m in the right place for my skin though, will be in the springtime, starting in March. that’s when it starts- March/April/May. 

2/7/26

today, had a kind of spiritual experience with a donkey. We visited a nearby animal sanctuary, and I’m not used to farm animals really. So when the big sweet faced donkey named Hope walked up to me, I at first tried to pet her like R and Hunter just had, but kept looking at her mouth and got scared she would suddenly snap at my hand (even though our guide said it was safe), and I drew my hand back. Felt a little bad that I was scared, that I couldn’t keep going. Stepped away from her timidly and moved on to the brown cows ahead of us, but she followed us, and it seemed in particular followed me, standing right behind me/next to me. So with our guide’s encouragement that she really did want to be petted, I tried again, and she leaned her warm heavy body against me a little, nudging me with her nose, and it made me feel much more comfortable, and I started petting her with relief, and more abandon, and then…joy. At the end of the day now, my heart feels overflowing and grateful for this experience. also funny to note – tickets for this sanctuary tour were only $25 each, compared to the two days before this that we spent at Universal which were $100+ each, that offered superficial fun, but nothing that touched me on this level as petting these animals at the sanctuary. I jokingly said to R as we were walking away from Hope’s pen, “OK, we can have a farm now” because he’s been talking about buying land and having a farm.

1/26/26

I can’t even start to imagine what it must feel like to die by gunshot wound. By 3 shots or 10 shots. I would guess that besides pain…every shot is like a shock, and your body saying “no, I don’t want this” with every shot. maybe the bullets feel cold. i don’t even like feeling cold from the outside. But to get cold shot within you?

1/18/26

I was telling Hunter how it’s really hard sleeping with him, how he changes positions a lot and kicks me off the bed. He said, “it’s OK, I’m just dreaming that a villain is chasing me. if I kick you off the bed, just get back on!”

1/21/26

Hunter doing well. His limbs have gotten loooong long long, and he’s even heavier (30 lbs or more). I can still pick him up and hold him (I think only because I’ve always held him throughout his growth, so he’s been like my weight training to get me to this point) but not for as long as before. i see maturity replacing the babyishness in his face, but he still gets faraway baby looks in his eyes, still has a round baby face, and still does the baby screams and squeals. He’s usually endlessly talking to himself or us, generally very happy and silly, asking for toys all the time, asking what specific words mean, with occasional punctuations of defiance/anger or whining. Today I gave him a nickname of Chattermax, like the nonstop talking bird from Bluey, and i think he thought it was funny.

my only concern right now is he’s not in formal schooling, so his days are mostly all playing and TV/video games and going along on errands with us, with no formal structure at all. but as soon as we find a place to settle- and we’ll be sure to pick a place with decent schools- that lack of structure should change, and I’m sure he’ll be ready for school by then, after having heard all the adults in his life and even cartoons and books tell him many times already how great school is and how everybody needs to go. there’s this one book that Rodrigo found at Goodwill, called The Pigeon Has To Go To School, that he really likes that we read to him.

1/22/26

Lately, with the way Hunter speaks, he seems way too short for his age. 

something that made me happy: we were out at a restaurant tonight eating, and Rodrigo looked up and instantly saw on Hunter’s face that he needed to poo – he recognized his poo face without Hunter needing to say anything. And he took him to the bathroom, leaving me to enjoy my food. I love that he’s not a total dad dud and has this parental sixth sense, because it’s such a burden if I’m the only one that carries that sense.

there is not that much of an update on our friend that’s in ice detention. We found out he’s being held at a facility in Pennsylvania and his girlfriend has the address, and she and his family were working with his lawyer to get him out of jail as quickly as possible, because he didn’t wanna stay there obviously, and would rather go back to Brazil. he had to wait for the next deportation flight, but she wanted to get him out sooner, but there was some mandate passed so that his own lawyer couldn’t do anything and only a federal lawyer could make anything happen, so the last we spoke to her, she was trying to get in touch with a federal one, but they were so busy that she had to make her appointment at 9 PM. it’s sixteen days and counting now, that he’s been jailed and away from us, separated from his family.

Had this strange feeling all day today, that things, microcosmic and macro, are all coming to a head, like things will be building up to the ultimate pressure and then just burst. I don’t know if the burst will be good or bad, just it feels like I’m in a storm and there’s not much I can do except let the winds pick me up and drop me where they may. 

1/23/26

I had a dream during my chunks of interrupted sleep this morning (interrupted because Hunter falls asleep around 11 PM, which I then get up from his bed and go to mine, but I still had work to finish so worked for about another hour, then went to sleep, then woke up like four hours later because of three hour time difference for work to clock in, and then fell back asleep for a little bit, then woke up to do more work): there was this girl that died, I think she was wrongly killed, at our school. I don’t remember her name or her face, just that she was good. For some reason, her clothes were left out on a kind of raised seating surface or table top for anyone to take if we wanted – her family was donating them. And I went up to the table, and I was like the only one there during the day in the middle of the high school lobby kind of area, except this one guy* was behind me, and while I ran my hands over her clothes, he put his arms around me from behind in a strong and gentle and comforting embrace that felt really good, and I remembered the feeling all morning, even when I was not sleeping anymore and working. there was also a feeling of sadness and loss, knowing this girl was gone, with only her clothes left. There was a pretty rainbow patterned hoodie, and a deep purple /lavender T-shirt, that I first just admired, and wasn’t planning at all to take, but then at the end, something made me say what the hell, and I took them to wear as my own. *The guy in the dream was just an acquaintance I know from work, we’ve never really talked aside from sometimes he emails me work to do, and it bothers me a little that he never says my name in the email, only “hey”. So my real life impression of him is generally cold, which is why in the dream, it was a surprising I guess that he was so warm towards me.

the cold sore is almost gone, there’s just a small red spot there now. at its worst, it did look bad, but not as monstrous as I thought it would be- it was definitely among the least conspicuous I’ve gotten. I was putting this myrrh-goldenseal balm on it that I never used on sores before – I don’t know if that’s what helped – or if my immune system is very slowly building back up, or a combination.

1/11/26

Last night was the first night that I did not need to soothe feet before going to sleep. Just took off socks, wipe cleaned, put on new socks, and felt no need to itch. did have minor itchiness throughout night, but nothing major, so this was a milestone. Still eating whatever food groups I want, incl dairy, gluten. When it’s convenient, I will go for gluten-free, but it’s usually not convenient. despite this, skin is smooth and healed now. It has to be the pollen.

1/12/26, 3 am

I really wanted to go to a thing for Renée Good when i got an email link to events. there was an evening candlelight vigil on 1/10 at the municipal court in the city where we’re at in Arizona. i at first excitedly thought I’d walk there, but then Google mapped where it was – it was about a 20 minute drive. so we’d have to take the truck. which I have never really driven – it’s huge – I gladly let R do it. Then also saw there was no business or anything open around the time the vigil would happen – 6 to 7 PM – where R and H could wait for me nearby to keep themselves occupied – I wanted to attend alone, so as not to put them in the middle of anything.  then around the time it was supposed to be going on, R was still away (much longer than I thought he’d be) at Home Depot and places looking for something we needed for our new backup generator to work and had the truck, which is our only vehicle, and I was at home with Hunter, finally able to start to cook a meal for all of us after he’d pleaded with me to keep playing with him for most the day (and it was only because I intentionally put him in front of his iPad that I got this break – I hate putting him in front of a screen, but if I didn’t, we would have never stopped playing). felt a bit trapped there by the situation and the no vehicle thing and the only one watching the child thing. But all that’s how the event just passed by without me going to it.

I feel guilty now, about not going to the vigil and “not doing anything” about something that just happened in our nation’s history that was so important. I could’ve planned it better, more forcefully maybe? I could’ve told R that I needed him back by a certain time, so he could watch Hunter. Then, if I didn’t want to drive myself, I could’ve called an Uber or Lyft – I think where we are now, it’s not as remote as where we were back in Arley – and I could maybe have found a ride. I certainly wouldn’t regret spending money on the ride, for something that important to me. 

i know in my childless days, I could have and would have headed out without a second thought and no problem. but with a child, I guess if I really wanna do something, everything has to be planned out now, to make sure the time is carved out. like if some event is important to me, there have to be concrete plans around that event that R and H know about in advance, or else it probably won’t happen because playing and chores and errands engulf everything. 

then just now (about 3 am), I was having a kind of nightmare about our friend being treated ill at the detention center he’s at, and then looking up if the detention centers receive care packages, and not being able to find any results, then I woke up – I think from being too hot/had to cough or wipe nose (i’m currently sick with a cold). In real life, i feel guilty about being able to eat whatever I want when the food he’s eating where he is is probably shit, and having a comfy bed to sleep in all by myself, when he probably has no privacy and a really uncomfortable place to sleep and is probably just so uncomfortable in every way all the time there, wherever they’re holding him (I don’t even know where he is- will try to find out more tomorrow). what even socks is he wearing? The same socks he was in when they took him five days ago without warning? What underwear?

1/13/26

I was just finishing up some work on laptop and felt upset, and after a few minutes of typing, I realized what it was: earlier today, Hunter had lifted my shirt, poking and squeezing my belly as usual, calling it big, and I retorted, “well it’s only big because you lived in there and were doing punches and kicks and somersaults, but before you lived there, it was nice and small and flat.” I had started out saying this response playfully, but towards the latter half of it, I noticed my voice start to get a tinge of like bitterness. And then later today, I felt a tingle on my upper lip and am 99% sure I’m getting 2 small cold sores there, probably in response to just getting over this bad cold/flu. that upset me a lot because besides being a bit painful and uncomfortable, as it dries it’s unsightly, and I hate that- things that affect my face/appearance are probably the worst discomfort/insecurity for me, making me feel low and defeated the entire time until it finally goes away (which in this case can take about two weeks), so I was just dreading it, and I started thinking about it and got a little angry, and I realized the reason I was angry was because it also related to the belly thing: before I became a mother- 39 years of my life – I never got cold sores. I would sleep perfectly most every night. I would quickly bounce back from every injury or virus with no repercussions. My balance, my eyesight, my hair, my weight – were all healthy. Then after the birth, which around-the-clock breastfeeding with no sleep made me so sick that it all erupted and I went to the emergency room, my health has never been the same. I feel like I gave too much. I feel like I gave more than I could give. I feel like the birth unleashed this era in my life of all kinds of boundaries being overwhelmingly and too numerously pushed, every day. I feel a kind of resentment for how worse off healthwise I am now after birth than I was pre-birth. i feel a longing for how much stronger I was before healthwise, and then i feel a tangible guilt for feeling all of that, because I have a healthy, beautiful, handsome, smart and perfectly funny baby (toddler) that I would never give up and would protect with my life. Sometimes I ask myself like: if I could go back in time, and no one would know and no one would get hurt, but I knew what I know now- how sick I would get and how much I would suffer after the birth- if I would still choose to get pregnant and have him, and I…..don’t know the answer. Like I don’t know…if I would still do it. I don’t know if I would say yes or no. 

Because it’s so hard….and I feel so bad about that. I feel like I shouldn’t feel like that. I feel like a good mother would immediately answer that question with, “yes, despite all the pain I went through, I would still have my baby- of course. no question.” But when things get really hard like this- like today, or one of the 730 days when I was still breastfeeding with wrecked sleep, or one of the 730 days after that in constant skin pain/cold sore pain- and you asked me that question, I couldn’t tell you. I couldn’t tell you. Physical pain and discomfort make me just want to hide, run away, isolate, give up, retreat… they’re really difficult for me.

alternatively: because of him, my understanding of the world and children and humans is expanding, my care for the world has expanded, and because of the sickness that followed him, my geographical horizons have expanded and are currently expanding, and I’m falling in love with our traveling life now – a life we probably would never have attempted without him (because I never would’ve gotten so sick to the point that it pushed me to see that doctor who tested for and found my pollen allergies). Life would be so different without him: definitely quieter, calmer, definitely slower, not as filled with joy or laughter or playing, and we’d probably still be in New Jersey, forever, because that’s where all our family are. Traveling now though, it feels like we are always exactly in the place we should be. I feel divinely guided when we’re all three together, and I feel content beyond words and so happy just being with him, looking at him and holding him every day, being a family. Maybe these twinges of regret I feel exist because at this point in my motherhood-life- only four years in- the period of pain and discomfort does still technically outstretch the happy times. But maybe as the years pass, and my health gets under control- if it ever does- and maybe if we continue to rack up good times, maybe the good times will come to outweigh all my early pain, and if I think back on that same question say ten years from now, my answer will be an immediate “yes, I would still do it, no question.”

1/15/26

there was a moment yesterday that softened my heart towards R and made me love him even more. I had woken up yesterday morning feeling pretty bad, I guess I slept wrong or maybe it’s part of the sickness I still have that i think is at its tail end, but my neck hurt, as well as my head a little, and I told R, and he immediately went, instead of normally coming to cuddle in bed with me, to make me chicken soup, which he brought back pretty quickly, filled with spices and garlic, steaming. and I put it to the side to let it cool. But the moment that melted my heart was a few minutes later when he came in to check if I liked the soup, and I said I was waiting for it to cool down, and he was like ok and just had this kind of bowed stance, and backed away quietly from my room, and closed both the separation “doors” quietly. He just had such a servant’s heart and attitude in that moment, and that made me want to do the same for him, to serve him. I think I’m very wary about, as the woman, being the only one with the servant’s attitude in the relationship –  I super don’t want that dynamic of one-sided servanthood in a marriage. But he really does, if I need it,take care of me, and doesn’t hesitate. I really glad he’s like that, and it makes me want to reciprocate. and the same goes with cooking, for me. Like if I notice I’m the one that’s cooking more, I start getting angry that we’re falling into the traditional gender roles of the woman doing more housework. I guess since he doesn’t have work now, he really can do so much more, and he does. He cooks most the meals now, does more of the laundry than I do, takes care of all the propane obtaining and switching out the tanks all the time, all of the RV maintenance, all of the driving- i haven’t driven once since we started in NJ, going through PA, DE, VA, NC, SC, TN, AL, TX, NM, NV, etc. I’ve mentioned this before, but I’m so much happier about the division of chores now compared to when we lived in our house.  It feels more fair, which in turn makes me feel softer and more open towards him, instead of underlying resentful when we both worked full time, but i did most of the house chores.

*

The other day, when I was first angry about getting my cold sores, and R was nearby, I felt anger with him and thought “if he never got me pregnant and let me get into all this mess, this would never have happened.” But even at the time I thought it, I sensed off logic. and now with more time, I see that that thought is equivalent to me enthusiastically agreeing to run a marathon with him (I was 110% in favor of marrying him and even starting a family with him), and then blaming my marathon partner for everything when the race got too hard. I know it’s not his fault, and I know I just turn to the closest person and blame them when things are hard, maybe. And I know I shouldn’t do this, I know. it’s just I guess, physical pain can be a type of burden – like something heavy that needs to be projected or dissipated somehow, and in the heat of the moment, I just do it the easiest way, instead of finding another, better way.

*

I wonder if most people, right before they die, wish they had just one more moment. or just one more day.

1/16/26

 slept w the baby the last two nights, and both nights i heard him laughing in his sleep. made me happy and also so curious what he was dreaming about.

1/6/26

Today R texted me a picture of H having a snack- he’s currently out with Hunter, doing our laundry and running errands. I mentioned that there were no vegetables in the snack H was eating in the picture. And then when R texted that he forgot the soap for the laundry, I quickly suggested salt, or baking soda or vinegar as substitutes. Then some time passed, and I realized just how grateful I was to have him – my husband, my partner, who’s a really nice and smart guy and super compatible with me, to parent our child with, and I texted R thank you for doing the laundry and taking care of the baby, and underneath my message, it said “Delivered”. And then after that, I texted “te amo”, and was waiting and waiting to see the “Delivered” notification under this message. when it wasn’t going through, I started getting a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. started thinking like, what if he never knows? What if he gets in an accident and never comes back and never knew that I loved him? What if he doesn’t know right now at this moment, and it’s my fault because I just keep pointing out faults like no veggies in the kid’s snack, and didn’t say it or mean it or live it enough? And then tears just suddenly poured, because, for some reason, I got so sad that everyone I had ever met or dealt with or talked to face-to-face or online in my whole life – that they all didn’t know that I loved them – that my “te amo” – was never fully delivered, that I had left love out of any interaction that I’d ever had. That I had ever led anyone to think that I didn’t love them. It was all more of a feeling, but if i had to put it into words, that was the thought.  it made me cry so hard.

i realized one of the biggest frustrations in my life is not being able to physically reach things above me because of my height. Like it really bothers and pisses me off, needing to turn and get stools and chairs all the time to complete simple tasks that R can easily just reach up and do. But then i realized like, i’m pretty lucky to be able to say that that’s one of my biggest frustrations- like i know it could be much, much worse. I’ll take it. 

1/7/26

feeling heavy tonight. First, on the drive between Whole Foods to the restaurant where we had dinner, R told me that one of our friends, to whom we were close- seeing him at nearly all family gatherings, going over to his house to eat, who visited our old house frequently to bbq with R, who helped us a lot with moving and things- just got arrested by ice. He was in a van going to work, that they pulled over to search. Then a bit later, near the end of our dinner, I got this text from Forward Blue: “Kristi Noem’s ICE just murdered a U.S. Citizen in cold blood…” but I didn’t get to look up the story until a few hours later, when R was putting Hunter to bed. I watched the video of how boldly the agent shot 3x through the civilian woman’s driver’s side window, and it … sank my heart like an anchor. Then I got up and tried to start getting ready for bed, but sadness slowed my whole body down. One prominent thought I had was that I couldn’t grieve that much about this shooting. Not because it didn’t grieve me, but because I felt like I already grieved the most when all of this was being put into place. Like ten months ago, when I first heard about the arrogance and informality and aggressiveness and power-hungriness of ice, I grieved the most then – the sadness saturated me the most then- because I knew something like this would and could happen. And now today it’s happened- murder, death- the worst stuff- but I feel like my body systems…can’t handle grieving much more. Like my grief is at capacity. idk if our friend is cold or hungry or scared or hurt, or where he is. when i washed my hands in the bathroom tonight, i touched the same bar of hand soap he touched, when it was by the sink in our old house.  

1/9/26

yesterday morning was the first time in forever I’ve been able to put on my Nike running shoes again. Since feet had been bad, I’d been wearing the same open-back wide leather mules everywhere, or my wide crocs for more stability – they were all I could stand. if situation called for more normal-looking shoes like going out to a restaurant, I forced myself into my widest sneakers, which are all black, a size too big and I’d leave the laces super loose. But it’s better now, and I slipped my feet into the snug nikes and went for a run. It was alternately raining with breaks of sun, and I went out when it was sunny, and came back when it was starting to drizzle, and just as I shut the door to our trailer and walked into my room, the rain became a downpour.

12/30/25

seems like no matter how hard I try, can’t get H to stop slapping and kicking me. He’ll pinch and hit my face a lot, and kick at me when I guess he’s frustrated? I always tell him that’s not right, and he’ll remember for a short time, but then revert back. 

The other day, stressful situation: I had work to finish and it was the end of the workday so trying to get it done, working while in the back of the truck and we had just arrived at our new park and Rodrigo was trying to park the rig and truck, Hunter was climbing over me and bored and restless and making me open snacks and stuff, and we were all tired from the trip and H wanted his crackers and I basically did throw them at him amid the chaos, and he responded, “don’t throw the bag at me.” as soon as he said it, I realized I was wrong. And I apologized, and was ashamed of myself for a while after.  I just really like how kids can be such little defenders of their own honor and worth – how they don’t let you get away with any disrespect.

12/31/25

today, started crying at the end of the workday. It was because there was too much i was juggling all day – i could not sit down and focus on any one thing for an extended amount of time. I was just going from one thing to another all day from morning until now and it left me feeling scatterbrained and all over the place and just not myself. Between everything on my to do list, work all day – which there was a good amount of, hunter needing food, needing to be checked on, needing help going to the bathroom, needing to be played with, difficulty with paying for the propane, renewing health insurance, the washer-dryer had an error code, the bank and money, gifts still, stuff we need still, I was bouncing back and forth between all these things depending on what seemed most urgent at the time or just trying to do them as soon as I remembered so as not to forget later. at the end of the day, I had just tried really hard for a few minutes to focus on playing with Hunter because Rodrigo had gone to the office to pick up our packages and pay for the propane, then when R was back I sat down to finish work I didn’t finish, when H came back to me still wanting more, and I just started crying, because I couldn’t handle it all anymore. he saw my face and backed away luckily, and didn’t push it.

 I know they say I’ll miss him when he’s grown up and gone when I don’t see him as much anymore, and that the baby years pass so fast, and maybe that’s all true. but I won’t miss this feeling of not being myself – of not being able to focus – of having my attention pulled in ten different directions. I won’t miss that part at all – it feels terrible to me. i’ll miss him, but I won’t miss how hard this was. It’s just – it’s too hard sometimes. I used to be able to sit down and finish any job I put my mind to, and that was really satisfying. Now I just keep getting interrupted, keep having to get up in the middle of things, and it’s so grating on my nerves. I don’t want to go back to being single or to have never have had him. I want my baby still, but I need more strength, or help, or more time, or something. I need more resources to handle it all. I frequently feel like I’m in that slow motion accident scene from Inception: not fully conscious, no agency, thrown about by my environment.

1/2/26

lately, with my skin better (can wear socks normally again, stopped needing bandages, still need to soothe at night but it’s come down from hours to 10-15 min now) and if I get enough sleep, I almost feel like myself at certain points during the day (usually early-midday). Like fully awake and alert, without exhaustion. 

1/4/26

this morning, H ran to the bed that R and I were in, climbing on top of us. he first held his face close to Rodrigo’s, then shook his head. then he moved his face over to mine and nodded and smiled, and said, “you’re the face of my life.”

12/27/25

we just got to Albuquerque, New Mexico. looked it up and realized that we’re 5000 something feet above sea level, which is a big difference from what we’re used to in New Jersey. I was bringing the bags in from the car and felt out of breath, and thought I was just maybe getting out of shape, when R mentioned our elevation, which made me feel better a little bit. not feeling nauseated – just weird like out of body, lightheaded, and out of breath sometimes. But it’s a beautiful place, with mountains all around.

12/28/25

saw this thing on Facebook recently, re couples, the 222 and 333 rule. The 333 is like a rule of thumb- if you haven’t gone on a date in three months and something else, it means you’re in the roommate phase. And the supposed remedy for that is 2-2-2: every two weeks, go out on a date, and every two months, take a weekend off together, and every two years, a weeklong vacation together. I was trying to think how this time off together would be possible because right now it’s just us two and Hunter, with no one to leave him to. It’s pretty hard/impossible to get time off alone unless he’s basically sleeping. But I also wonder how true these rules are, and feel like we could probably just move through this roommate phase on our own eventually. And I don’t even really feel like roommates towards him – I still feel that I love him, and that he loves me. even tho we are both like 24/7 childcare givers. I also feel like if we can survive this tough childcare time together, we’d have built a strong foundation between us with which to continue forward together on.

have been driving on route 66 all day today – going twds AZ- it might be the most beautiful landscape I’ve ever seen.

12/15/25

3 am: I feel like I’ve done a decent job so far. But also, frequently, I feel so exhausted – and he’s only four years old. There’s still such a long way to go.

Hunter let his soup sit out till it was cold, now he’s eating it. But he was blowing on the spoon and I said, “you don’t have to blow it anymore, it’s cold now.” He said, “just to vibrate it!”

got some validation at least today that we’re not crazy: I got a package delivered at our campsite, and went to the front office to pick it up, and both doors had the  “Open” sign, but they were locked. I was knocking on the front door when a white truck passed behind me as it entered the park, and I guess he saw I was in a little distress, because he circled back and parked next to us. R rolled down the window, and the driver guy (who seemed to be just another site-stayer) proceeded to tell us that if we needed help, that we should call the number hanging on the door and someone might OR might not help us, that they were really understaffed. He seemed to be a little frustrated when he said it, like that had been his experience. We said thanks.

12/17/25

 a prayer that rose in my heart today as I was thinking about aging: 

please make me useful to the end. like up to my deathbed – may i be useful all the way to the very end. 

12/19/25

Hunter’s been praying to God lately – I’m sure he got the idea of God from my mom when she was still babysitting him back when we were in Jersey, because R and I don’t teach him about God or bring him to church. but one day in the living room, I saw him put his hands together and close his eyes, and afterwards I asked him what he was talking to God about, and he said he was just asking for some toys. Then the other day (he is still in love with my belly), he was patting my belly and saying “oh no it’s shrinking it shrinking! Hold on” and he closed his eyes and put his hands together and was whispering, and told me that he prayed to God to make my belly bigger again. and the day after that when he was patting my belly, he said “oh yes, it’s big again! God answered my prayer!” and then the night before last, it was more serious stuff. Early in the night, I heard him asking R what happens when all the people in the world die, and all the animals die? And then later when I was putting him to bed, he was asking stuff like “am i going to die?” “Are you going to die mama?” and “what is dead?” And “what is alive?” And then he stopped at one point and put his hands together and closed his eyes and whispered – he told me to put my hands over my ears, but then told me what he prayed for right after: for him to either live forever or go to heaven when he dies. and then he did a second prayer later: for me and R to never die. it was difficult – all these questions surprised me and i wasn’t prepared to answer them. I just tried my best.

12/7/25

today was the first day I was able to sit cross-legged normally. I haven’t been able to sit this way for like the past seven months because of the way this sitting position requires the tops of feet to press against things. today was the first day I could because skin has healed enough. it felt good in that: a relief to not have to contort myself into a position I didn’t want to be in, and just move how i wanted. please let this last. please let this be the last time.

12/8/25

had small weeping on left foot last night, but it wasn’t painful and I still feel like I’m getting better, even though it isn’t in a perfectly straight line. 

12/9/25

today, since feet have been reliably dry,  stopped putting in the adhesive pads in my socks, and I’m just wearing my loose organic cotton socks as a first layer, with regular socks over those when I go out.

12/13/25

today, we were at Ace Hardware store for some screws and we also decided to buy pepper spray, one each for R and I. The first day we got to the park we’re currently staying at, I was unloading stuff from the truck into the trailer, and on one of my trips coming from the truck, I looked up and there was this medium size, a little scary looking, I don’t know what breed, but had a very square jaw, short hair, black and brown splotched coat, dog right in front of me, on our site. no leash or owner around. My initial reaction was a high-pitched “Hiii!”, even though I was pretty startled, then I backed away and went back into the truck, and then for some reason I got scared he would follow me and bite me, so I shut the door and just sat in the truck for a minute until I could see out the front window that he had crossed the road and was now over near the bathroom area a safe-ish distance away, then I came back out and went inside our place. R saw the dog too. then the next morning, R came back in and was pissed – he had just stepped in a fresh pile of dog doo that was right next to our truck. we called the office about it and told the guy, who told us to call back if we saw the dog on our site again. since then, have found another dog poo on our site and some around the bathroom facility which is right near us. Then last night, we were coming home from a day out, and I had entered the trailer, and the door was still open behind me, with R still outside with Hunter, who was bouncing on his new bouncy ball with a handle, when I heard barking that sounded like it was right outside our door – it gave me a bad feeling and I rushed to the door, just as Hunter and R came in and R told me that the same dog had appeared behind Hunter out of the darkness and started barking, and R had just taken off his hat and waved it at the dog, shooing him away. R could hear our neighbor, whom the dog belonged to, chiding the dog, “don’t scare the neighbors”, but not saying anything to us. But we were shaken after that – what if the dog had pounced and attacked our child? We called the office again and let them know immediately after it happened, but they said there wasn’t much they could do, that the guy would come out and try to take a look who owned the dog. but we never saw anyone drive by looking and no one visited us, so we weren’t sure if they even came out. So that’s why we bought the pepper sprays today – after all these instances, we’re kind of scared walking around here now with a loose dog (we know who it belongs to – we’ve seen the dog sitting next to his owner, who is our neighbor and seems to never have him on a leash- he seems to be permanently loose) especially with our baby, and with the barking and coming out of the dark. I’ve actually never owned pepper spray before, but my mom has given me like emergency whistles and stuff, which I’ve thankfully never had to use. Trying to figure out how to wear it – I’ll probably put it on a lanyard?