6/20/22

it’s like his head is a whole separate baby: it’s huge and looks like it weighs almost as much as the rest of his body, and wherever he leans it, his body follows/falls. we keep having to take special care he doesn’t knock it too hard on anything.

6/21/22

his one top tooth coming out now. he’s a little more fussy because of this, but it’s not too bad. I feel bad for him when he cries bc of it. putting tooth gel and giving him stuff to chew on.

 and it seriously seems like every day (after every nap, even) he’s growing bigger.

his personality’s coming out more now too. he gets so excited that he screams & spasms (ex. when i turn the front doorknob, cause he likes going outside or when he wants to eat and realizes i’m about to get my boob out) and he’s impatient (screams angrily when he wants to eat and the food not coming fast enough, or when he wants to be picked up)

just realized tonight while nursing him…some positions we’re in/ways we touch…have never and i think will never be replicated, even with my most intimate lovers. like…i’ve never slept with someone like this- who desperately needs my body in a non-sexual way. never had this situation.  his little hand explores as he nurses, squeezing my belly fat (and attempting to squeeze my other nipple, but I don’t let him – his grip is too strong), reaching up to my face and chin and lips, pressing his fist into my ribs. we fall asleep facing each other, the soles of his sticky-warm feet softly pressing my stomach. I get this feeling now of just how fleeting time is… i’m never gonna have it like this again. I started out hating breastfeeding- i wasn’t prepared for how disciplined you had to be for it, how his appetite demanded me to drop whatever I was doing at the moment, tons of times a day and night. But now…I think I’m going to miss it when it’s over. everything gets summer-quiet when he’s drinking from my body.

6/22/22

been waking up from dreams lately with them affecting my mood, which is kind of unusual for me. Or is my mood affecting them? but lately they have just been very vivid. woke up annoyed from the contents of one dream, in a bad mood from the contents of another dream. don’t know why my dream emotions affecting me so much in waking life lately. maybe cause my sleep still all messed up and dreams/real life is all blending together/less separation. been taking day naps more, since I can while my parents watch the baby.

6/26/22

I think I’m starting to understand why parenthood is so hard (and kind of heartbreaking). It’s like: you can emerge from my most private part, and day and night drink from my other most private parts, and my mind, body, time and energy are 24/7 on call for you, but as soon as you are able, you might move a million miles away, and truly, you will never owe me anything.

6/14/22

there’s toys everywhere now, mixed into everything. Little toys by my bedside to keep him entertained when he first wakes up and I’m too tired to get out of bed, toys on the changing table to keep him from squirming while getting changed, toys in the crib, little toys in my purse, toys in the car that fell on the floor, toys on the couch, everywhere. I kind of like it though. It’s like saying… to weave play into everything.

6/15/22

he gets more amazing every day.

I actually get a little delighted now when he wakes me for night feedings. it’s because when he wakes, he’s started saying, “mom” or “mama” or “nene” (his word for milk) or sometimes all of these in a row. his croaky little half-asleep voice sounds so sweet. it’s just so much nicer and cuter than how he used to wake me when he was a newborn, which was to just wordlessly kick and claw at me. he still wakes up a lot during the night: ready for bed anywhere from 8 pm to 11 pm, then will wake a few times around 3 am, wake a few times around 6, and again at 7 or 8 and be up for the day from then on (though thankfully will usually take a long nap around 10 am, and if so I’ll nap too)

what I was thinking when standing in closet picking my clothes this morning: “something that looks good on camera, but also so comfortable that I can lean over and fall asleep in it right after the zoom meeting.”

6/16/22

“Dear God,” i prayed tonight with my hand on his hip as we lay facing each other on our sides nursing in bed under the open window, 500 willow arms dancing in the night breeze, he had just let out a cry and reached for me and i brought him to my breast, all quiet, white noise going, the occasional night bird call, “please bless this baby beyond my wildest dreams.”

6/17/22

today, on my birthday, turning a nice, round, even number of 40, but still feel in the middle / in the mess of figuring everything out.

6/5/22

contraception. like… I love the baby so much, but also, how do I make sure this never happens again.

The past few weeks with Hunter, he’s really changed. Gotten heavier and longer/taller, and something else. Like, the soul has fully entered his eyes and face, the personality has bloomed, is blooming like in full force. He’s so expressive all the time, and he can’t even talk yet . he literally screams for attention all day long.

6/6/22

maybe the key to being a good mom is these intimate, periodic sit-downs with your child that are still and quiet and all your loving attention is focused on him, just like it goes with breastfeeding. as if breastfeeding is the precursor, the practice for good mothering that slowly accustoms you to this routine that should be repeated for a lifetime.

6/8/22

started staying a few days a week at my parents’ with Hunter, starting last week. It started out just because I had meetings for work two days in a row in the morning (before mom would get here), so it was easier for all of us, and also rising gas prices, to help mom so she wouldn’t have to drive here every day. But being here, I realize it’s so much easier with the three of us (me, dad, and mom) to pass him around, rather than just me and mom out of her element in my house.

he’s starting to stand up more and balance without holding onto anything for a few seconds longer, and his tone is becoming more conversational, though he doesn’t say anything other than one syllable words over and over. It’s really cute how interactive he’s being and becoming.

last night I think it was the first time ever that he did not fall asleep on my boob. He had been eating for a while, and I laid him down just to change position, but I guess he was so sleepy he just squirmed for a second and then fell asleep on his own. I was glad to see this, because I was afraid he would forever be in the habit of having to nurse right up to the point of falling asleep, in order to fall asleep.

staying at my parents…i feel so much more at peace. i know my mom’s gonna take him come early morning, so that suffering alone in the morning with him while exhausted is gone – i can sleep – and also the suffering at bedtime the night before in anticipation of being alone the next morning, is gone. a lot of suffering gone. with three ppl here (me, dad and mom) to take care of Hunter, i can usually do what i need to do – eat , sleep, work – without worry or burden. it’s also nice because when i take hunter to breastfeed and he falls asleep, mom can just go around her house doing stuff she needs to do, instead of having nothing really to do at my house when he falls asleep, except for help me with chores a little or go on her phone.

realized lately that i love, after he eats, throwing him over my shoulder and burping him. just as i always did since he was a newborn. but…. i didn’t like it then bc it took so long and i had to do it so frequently because of how frequently he ate.  now for some reason, he doesn’t let me burp him like this (squirms away) unless he’s really tired & almost falling asleep – then he’ll rest his whole weight on me- and i realized it’s just really nice, and i love the closeness. can’t do it for too long cz he so heavy, but it’s like, blissful for me now. i think it actually might be because of his increased weight – it’s soothing when he’s laying on you, like a weighted blanket.

6/11/22

i’ve been thinking how this whole breastfeeding journey is like a marathon- a test of physical and mental endurance. so many days and nights of sitting still in a dark room, often holding still in one position for a long time.  on repeat, for weeks, for months, for my goal of at least a year. and there’s gear and equipment for it. and it’s exhausting.

6/1/22

tonight while nursing Hunter, lying in bed side by side with him, instead of his usual arm’s length position, he rolled even closer to me and flung his top arm around my side (his bottom arm was already touching my ribs on the other side). made me feel so in love with him; i put down my phone and rested that hand on his back and lay still and quiet with him in the dark, trying to soak up the moment as much as possible.

6/5/22

I noticed that I only get sleep in my eyes when I wake up from a night when R takes the baby overnight, probably cause when I have the baby, he doesn’t let me sleep long enough to form sleep in my eyes.

5/22/22

today while driving Hunter and I to her house, mom said wow is that a bunch of new hair growing? when she looked at me in the rearview. i thought it was probably just a knot or cowlick thing from not pulling my ponytail back properly, but when i got to her house i looked in the mirror and it did seem to be a bunch of new baby hairs growing out the top of my head 🙂 and the hair shedding has stopped for a while now.

5/24/22

just realized it might be more a responsibility having a son than a daughter. I have to raise him into a man who would never rape, kill, force, coerce, etc. AND who recognizes these acts as wrong in others. how do I convey this best? Like, the responsibility to protect others’ daughters from him – it falls on my shoulders. Like I am up against the macho bravado glorified aggressive/violent standard of a man that the media teaches – I am up against that. why would he listen to me over all of them?

i think time means nothing to babies/kids. hunter has been alternately breastfeeding and falling asleep for 3 hours straight now (5:00-8:10 pm)

at least i still have bladder control- he just kicked me right in my full bladder while nursing, and nothing came out when i held it in. i hear women talk about losing this control. But i think it’s more likely if you had like two kids or more.

5/17/22

mom took Hunter home today, bringing him back later tonight. although my mom-body misses and loves him, as the time got later and later, realized that I more dreaded her bringing him back (because I hadn’t finished all the things in the house I wanted to do) than missed him. it was maybe like 30% missed him, 70% wanted her to keep him longer so I could do my own stuff. or maybe even 20%/80%.

this was the year I was forever chasing after Sleep and Silence, and never catching up with them as much as I wanted to.

I feel like I’m not OK with the rate that time is passing since Hunter was born. I feel like it’s passing too fast. I can’t really sit in the moment completely unless I’m breast-feeding actually. Other than that, have to always think about what’s next, next, next. and even then, i breast-feed so much, that there are lots of times during a feeding when I’m still thinking of what’s next.

5/19/22

this week he’s started to make this bubble sound that is like the funniest shit I have ever heard, and doing it a lot. the other day, I was feeling sad/tired as usual while taking care of him, but when he started doing the sound, I genuinely cracked up for a few minutes. Many times I force a smile when he looks at me, but when he’s doing that sound, I smile and laugh with like my whole body and soul. He’s blowing these high-pitched raspberries which at the same time sounds like he’s underwater…hard to describe or replicate, but the cutest sound ever – sometimes he’s even doing it as an answer, after we ask him a question lol.

5/11/22

I didn’t realize how much I liked riding in the front in the passenger seat with R, until I am riding in the back all the time with Hunter – I miss riding in the front with my husband.

5/15/22

when I don’t sleep from breast-feeding all night, in the morning I feel so delicate like anything might break me. I can’t even talk, I can’t make any sound. even if baby is talking to me, I can’t say anything back. I feel bad about that, but it just hurts to be so exhausted.

sometimes I lose sense of time (i feel this is a side effect of sleep deprivation, as i was never like this before)- like it feels like a long time has passed when i’m doing stuff around the house when it hasn’t really been, and the only way I can measure where I am in the time spectrum / how much time has passed is my breast pumps haven’t stopped yet, and they stop every half hour. so I know it’s been at least within a half hour.

5/3/22

Had a little breakdown from many stressful things happening at once: baby being sick and waking more times a night to feed, so made me even more sleep-deprived than I already was; got a lot of work today at work so that I didn’t really have time to do anything today but work; cat Snowflake’s cancer seems worse and I’ve been making vet appointments for him which are so expensive and he hates going to them; Hunter fell off the bed (which is pretty high) this morning when I was trying to juggle work and him and everything at once before mom got here to help and it was like traumatic for me to see—I witnessed him falling headfirst to the floor and I couldn’t get there in time to stop it (I think he’s ok, but he has a bruise on his face), I was really hungry this morning but between hunter crying and work and everything, heated up some cheese toast and didn’t have time to eat it; I’m typing my work out with my laptop on top of our big humidifier because we’re still not completely moved into this house after over a year of being here because no time since the baby and I wanted a proper desk, etc.

5/5/22

Euthanized Snowflake. Within the span of a day or two, he had stopped eating, and then drinking. The vet said he was losing weight and dehydrated, mom was feeding him food and water by shooting it into his mouth with syringe. did it with house paws mobile vet (they are very nice) in the backyard, it was a sunny afternoon, beautiful. I held him in my arms during the injections; he was trying to get away after the first injection (sedative) I think. Then he got really drowsy and couldn’t go anywhere after it started to take effect, and I just held him and stroked his favorite places and told him everybody loved him over and over (mom and dad were there, hunter too, and boo on Facetime from Germany). I was ok and had it together until I think after the second injection, which is the actual euthanasia med. just knowing what was happening right there to him in my arms, that these would be his last moments on earth after like 16 years with us, and we all knew, and I did it to him, but there was no way I could have told him or warned him about it, so maybe he was sad or surprised, I don’t know. And if I could have told him, would he have wanted to know, like would it have been better? I couldn’t control tears as he started to go limp, and after the vets left, I sobbed and sobbed with him still in my lap, his weight felt heavy (but he’s only 8 pounds) on my knees in the backyard. I hadn’t taken off work so I was a little worried I had gotten some work during the whole thing, but my laptop was inside, I couldn’t check. everyone left me alone for a while, I think I saw mom start to cry early in the process and she took hunter inside with her. no more cats now, no more pets at all.

5/8/22

since the “breakdown” on tues, R’s been sleeping with baby every night now (I leave him pumped milk) and I’m starting to feel a little better cause I’m sleeping longer in my own room apart from them, from maybe like 12 am until 5 am. I keep saying to R to let me know if he’s too tired and I can take over again, but he keeps saying he’s ok. I’m kind of relieved, but also worried, because his day job is much more physical than mine (construction).

yesterday we took the box spring part of the bed away (i don’t know why this never occurred to either of us to do before, maybe bc we were both too busy/stressed and yesterday mom took hunter so we had some moments to ourselves to think) and it made the bed a lot shorter for one – mattress is on the floor now so if he falls, he can’t get as hurt, and 2, it made the awful squeaking sound the bed always had, go away.

Hunter talking a lot, to himself and to us, just jibber jabber, dada, mama. one new thing he started doing is waving – mom started teaching him to do it on Thurs, she said, “wave goodbye to Snowflake.” now he’s picking up his arm and like doing waves with it all the time, even when not saying hello or goodbye –just at random times, it’s really funny. Also he’s started suddenly just tilting back his head and leaning all the way back at random times; tho it’s funny too, I don’t like this as much bc I’m afraid I won’t react fast enough when he does it one day when I’m holding him and he’ll get hurt.

4/24/22

tonight started him on the amoxicillin, his cough kept sounding bad and runny nose and watery eyes continued and worsened and we all just felt so bad for him, he seemed more tired too. i wonder if i had started it sooner, if we could have skipped over all these ugly symptoms. i feel horrible about it. i was trying, in my mind, to preserve the quality of his gut microbiome, like prevent antibiotic-resistant bacteria in his future…i really thought and hoped he would be that 80% of 6 mo.+ infants that i read don’t need antibiotics for an ear infection, since he’d been born so healthy and stayed so healthy until now, 7 months later. but idk now…now i just feel stupid for not listening to the doctor right away. as he sleeps next to me breathing, his every struggling breath accuses me. we also all (me, R, and mom) all started feeling sick, I think with the same thing Hunter has bc he keeps coughing and sneezing in our faces, so another reason that maybe if I started him on the antibiotic earlier, his body might have nipped it in the bud and not passed it to all of us?

4/25/22

in the back seat this afternoon while mom drove hunter around the block to put him to sleep before she left, i realized something… it’s a good thing i don’t have a car, bc i don’t think a person as sleep-deprived as me should be driving.

i kinda feel like you should do pretty much everything you wanted to do in life before you have a kid, bc i can’t picture a situation where i would have time to do them now/anymore.

hunter’s only had 3 doses out of the prescribed 20 doses so far and he’s already doing a lot better; he had almost full energy today, crawling around again, laughing, almost screaming again. but i could tell he’s still uncomfortable sometimes, and he still has a cough (tho it sounds a little better?) and runny nose.  watery eyes seem gone.

4/26/22

I’m worried about his lungs because of how loud and phlegmy his cough is.

today before we went outside, my mom had to point out that my boob was hanging out. I was too tired/distracted to notice. I wear a lot of low-cut things now to get my boob out more easily for Hunter to eat, and I looked down and it was just hanging out and I was about to walk into public like that.

this sounds dramatic, but I really felt this today: I feel like it will take the rest of my life to de-stress my body from the overwhelm that came with having the baby and subsequent taking care of him as a newborn/infant. And that it will take a year of silence for my mind to deprogram the Badanamu and Cocomelon songs out of it.

4/28/22

today couldn’t stop thinking about this one dream i had last night, i think bc it felt so nice and intimate. i can’t even remember many details except it was in public, many ppl roaming around, maybe it was work, i worked as a waitress, cause there were round dining tables with white tablecloths all around. our uniforms were black vests over white collared shirts.  

and i passed another waiter, my co worker i think, and we were very good friends at least, bc as we passed, he held out his hands i thought just to squeeze my hands in passing (everything was so busy, there was that feeling) but what he did when we squeezed hands was pull me to him, and held me amid everything going on- we were still for a moment among all the movement- and i think even kissed me, in front of everybody. i was really surprised and didn’t expect it and neither did the surrounding ppl i think…i think some stopped and stared at us, but the touching and closeness felt so good that i didn’t care.

my first interpretation of this as i thought about it consciously during the day came pretty quickly: i miss my husband. we’re so caught up in the hustle and bustle of baby care and he’s been working late a lot and we both have our own  projects we’re trying to do that we haven’t had alone time together in what seems too long; i wish everything could stop for a moment, or he would stop everything for a moment somehow, to step outside of all this and make time to be with me- really be with me, just us. i was so in love in that dream, in that moment. It felt so good for someone to be so deliberate with me, to pull me close, despite everything. to be saved from the black and white of work and monotony.

4/29/22

this morning while nursing and almost falling asleep, he started laughing to himself, chuckling on my boob and then closing his eyes again, several times. was so funny, kind of made my day.

4/20/22

his behavior in bed changing; i think his teeth coming through are hurting him. he’ll wake up crying and crawling, whining. then just when i think he’s really awake and up for the day, he’ll plop his head down in whatever position he’s in and just instantly fall asleep, on his belly usually.

4/22/22

noticed my hair hasn’t been falling out as much lately, but there is more white now as it’s growing back in.

you can see tops of both his bottom teeth, they’re almost out. he’s been biting down sometimes when he first latches on to breastfeed; really hurts cause they’re sharp.

he got ear infection; he was acting in pain and got a cough the night before, so took him to doc who diagnosed it yesterday. prescrbed him amoxicillin, but im gonna wait 2-3 days to see if it gets better first bc he actually is acting more normal today and last night he didn’t wake up in pain like he did the night before (just ate a lot more than usual). it’s really stressful to go to the doctor, even with another person with me- he usually cries the whole time and yesterday I could hardly hear the doctor’s instructions, and the doctor could hardly hear me.

4/23/22

10 am – he’s s down for a nap and im holding him against my chest and he’s sleeping and his hand is in my hair and i thought, “please, just don’t cough like that again- you can pull all my hair from the root until i’m bald, just don’t cough like that again.” (he has this cough since yesterday, i guess from the ear infection, that sounds so bad, like it hurts and all congested and mucusy and too sharp for a baby’s lungs. every time he does it it breaks my heart)

hunter was being so cute tonight even tho he’s really sick w an ear infection (and subsequent cough and runny nose). we were in bed i thought going to sleep, but after he ate for like ten minutes, he broke away and was just like, “dada.” then he wouldn’t stop saying dada so i texted R who was in the living room (I think he actually heard hunter before he saw my my text and so came) Then the two were conversing together for like 15 minutes straight with Hunter saying nothing but “dada ” in different intonations and accents and stresses, and r just imitating him, it was so funny. Then rodrigo left finally, and I fed him one last time, and he got really sleepy by the end, it was maybe like another 10-15 minute feeding, and when he pulled away, all he said was this really cute, soft “mama” one time, and fell back asleep.