6/5/22
contraception. like… I love the baby so much, but also, how do I make sure this never happens again.
The past few weeks with Hunter, he’s really changed. Gotten heavier and longer/taller, and something else. Like, the soul has fully entered his eyes and face, the personality has bloomed, is blooming like in full force. He’s so expressive all the time, and he can’t even talk yet . he literally screams for attention all day long.
6/6/22
maybe the key to being a good mom is these intimate, periodic sit-downs with your child that are still and quiet and all your loving attention is focused on him, just like it goes with breastfeeding. as if breastfeeding is the precursor, the practice for good mothering that slowly accustoms you to this routine that should be repeated for a lifetime.
6/8/22
started staying a few days a week at my parents’ with Hunter, starting last week. It started out just because I had meetings for work two days in a row in the morning (before mom would get here), so it was easier for all of us, and also rising gas prices, to help mom so she wouldn’t have to drive here every day. But being here, I realize it’s so much easier with the three of us (me, dad, and mom) to pass him around, rather than just me and mom out of her element in my house.
he’s starting to stand up more and balance without holding onto anything for a few seconds longer, and his tone is becoming more conversational, though he doesn’t say anything other than one syllable words over and over. It’s really cute how interactive he’s being and becoming.
last night I think it was the first time ever that he did not fall asleep on my boob. He had been eating for a while, and I laid him down just to change position, but I guess he was so sleepy he just squirmed for a second and then fell asleep on his own. I was glad to see this, because I was afraid he would forever be in the habit of having to nurse right up to the point of falling asleep, in order to fall asleep.
staying at my parents…i feel so much more at peace. i know my mom’s gonna take him come early morning, so that suffering alone in the morning with him while exhausted is gone – i can sleep – and also the suffering at bedtime the night before in anticipation of being alone the next morning, is gone. a lot of suffering gone. with three ppl here (me, dad and mom) to take care of Hunter, i can usually do what i need to do – eat , sleep, work – without worry or burden. it’s also nice because when i take hunter to breastfeed and he falls asleep, mom can just go around her house doing stuff she needs to do, instead of having nothing really to do at my house when he falls asleep, except for help me with chores a little or go on her phone.
realized lately that i love, after he eats, throwing him over my shoulder and burping him. just as i always did since he was a newborn. but…. i didn’t like it then bc it took so long and i had to do it so frequently because of how frequently he ate. now for some reason, he doesn’t let me burp him like this (squirms away) unless he’s really tired & almost falling asleep – then he’ll rest his whole weight on me- and i realized it’s just really nice, and i love the closeness. can’t do it for too long cz he so heavy, but it’s like, blissful for me now. i think it actually might be because of his increased weight – it’s soothing when he’s laying on you, like a weighted blanket.
6/11/22
i’ve been thinking how this whole breastfeeding journey is like a marathon- a test of physical and mental endurance. so many days and nights of sitting still in a dark room, often holding still in one position for a long time. on repeat, for weeks, for months, for my goal of at least a year. and there’s gear and equipment for it. and it’s exhausting.
Marriage Journal 