4/14/22

still in the brain fog from sleeplessness where the only thing I can really think about is the moment, what I’m supposed to be doing next, to function. Like for example: I focus on just working right now when I have to work, and then when I’m done my work, I think of the next thing I have to do, maybe wash the dishes, put something away, and the cycle of doing one thing after the other just goes on and on, seemingly endlessly like this, day after day.

this morning, Hunter was trying to climb the headboard of the bed, like he usually has for the past few days, and when I was reaching for him his head fell against my lip so hard it gave me a bloody lip.

4/16/22

noticed this today after R kept talking about putting in a pond in our backyard with fish and a bridge, and I replied, “that sounds like hard work.” realization was that a lot of things he proposes to me, like buying a house, and having a baby, both of which he wanted, I responded basically in the same way. I realized… that I maybe might not have done as many things in my life that I’m glad I did looking back, if it weren’t for him, because he’s the one that kind of initiates, and I love him so much that I go along with it, and I’m usually glad I did later.

4/6/22

this week started sleeping some nights without the nightlight, because not so afraid anymore that he will suffocate – he’s stronger now and flips and rolls- do not need to look at his face every second at night.

 4/7/22

realized he keeps hitting his face on my collarbone when I’m holding him now because he’s so squirmy, so when I hold him I have to hunch my shoulders really forward a lot, so that he hits them instead of my hard collarbone.

he started whispering to himself a lot, single syllable sounds, even when he just wakes up, it’s really cute. also he’s trying to stand up all the time; gets a kick out of climbing up to a standing position in his crib and then making noises to get me to look, and when I look, he is grinning. In the living room, pulling himself up using the sofa sides to stand and watch tv.

really stressful now to try and change him, like his diaper, because he’s twisting and turning everywhere. The other day, in the morning after like 10-15 minutes of trying to change him, after I was done, I just cried, it was too much.

today so tired that my head rushes when I stand up from a squatting position, and my balance is so off – tripping over myself just trying to put my slippers on.

4/8/22

There is this vocal, sweet tiny sigh that Hunter does sometimes, only when we’re nursing in bed at night and he’s almost falling asleep, that sounds like he’s so content. I don’t want to think about it too much or even write about it, bc I know if I write about it and then read it in the future after forgetting, I’ll feel a pang in my heart thinking how I’ll never be in that moment and never hear that sigh again. it sounds like a sound that only a young baby can make.

4/9/22

yesterday I think saw a tiny bit of tooth coming through, from the bottom. He has been extra fussy during night wakings lately, like waking up crying really loud – he usually doesn’t do that. I’ve been rubbing the Mommy’s Bliss gum gel on his gums when they seem to be bothering him (i can only guess), hoping it helps.

3/28/22

I feel like if I could just sleep the night every night, I could do everything I need to do for baby without it being painful / feeling like it takes so much energy. It’s almost as if nature designed babies to make you need help from other people.

eating so weird, I think from appetite being still disoriented from lack of sleep. I’ll eat something sweet, then savory, then switch back to a dessert, then savory again, walking around the house eating while doing chores.

3/29/22

last night R put a wall mount up for the tv, freeing up surface space on the cabinet-table where the tv previously was. He said that now we have to print pics of Hunter, to put with our wedding pics and stuff that’s already on that table. Some part of me was like, “yeah.” But another part of me dreaded it, in a way: by admitting there is actually a third person in our family through pictures, it’ll remind me that there’s one more person I could lose – he’s so young- there’s so many ways I could lose him. I can’t believe sometimes, how my heart beats for this baby. I want to hide him away in the safest place, where no harm could ever find him.

3/24/22

if he stayed a baby, i feel like i could be happy sleeping with him forever. even if he still woke me up during the night to eat. and now, after all my complaining: maybe BECAUSE he woke me up to eat. That he needed me like that – in a way no one else ever needed my body.

this week, he started, in bed, rolling onto his stomach on his own to sleep.

Also lately, I’ve been feeling like I have a little more energy during the day. I don’t think he’s waking up less during the night, so it must be either I’m getting used to the routine more (like my body is getting used to less sleep?), or maybe it’s the weather, getting warmer.

3/25/22

realizing: what all nighters really are

and that if u don’t put any makeup on during the day, you can skip washing face at night- both of which save a few precious minutes

3/26/22

ever since he started getting stronger, like able to sit up by himself and hold his head up and flip and crawl and everything, I feel better about leaving him in the bed sleeping when i go do a quick chore. Before i would have a worried sick feeling in my gut. But now I feel a lot less worried. I feel like if he kicked a blanket over his head, he could easily shake it off now. before, he was so helpless.

3/27/22

today had one of the easiest days w baby I can remember. R stayed home w us and it was a really happy peaceful time; he was playing and smiling a lot and the tv shows (cocomelon & badanamu) entertained him for a relatively long time; and when we ate dinner I put him in his high chair and spread goat cheese puffs (at his 6-mo. appt, doc said he could eat puffs now, i was really surprised, thought he had to have teeth for those) on the tray and he went at it- they got everywhere, but he ate some too, while me and R ate our pizza. I commented, “wow. I can’t believe we’re actually sitting down eating a meal together.” bc me and R had to take ‘shifts’ eating before, to watch baby. this was the first time pretty much that me, R, and baby all ate together.

3/19/22

my happiest moment this week was in bed, Hunter sleeping next to me, just us in the house, I was on my phone searching for granny and grandpa T-shirts to give mom and dad. It was Saturday, nothing to do, and I could feel him next to me – his little foot pressing against me and hear him breathing softly, and just turn my head and see his face, and the window was open, 70° breeze drifting through.

3/7/22

A side effect of sleeplessness that I don’t like, I’ve kind of lost my instinct with my appetite – I’m not sure when I’m really hungry or not, and very indecisive about what I want to eat.

I feel like the baby made me and my mom closer, because she comes here every day and we both take care of this amazing special wild thing that we never dreamed would be in our lives, watching him grow up, mutually caring for the same person so hard. We never did this together before.  It’s really nice.

starting to see toys in everything/asking myself what could be a toy, because he plays so much now – has gotten super interactive. The other day, ran out of toys when he was in his crib and I needed a few more minutes, so grabbed a beeswax candle and threw it in, he seemed really interested and was mouthing it like he does everything nowadays.

3/9/22

5:35 PM: first time I had time to brush teeth today

today, kind of the first time that when rodrigo texted me he was coming home, I didn’t feel a sense of utter relief of baby duties thinking of when he’d be here. I’m getting more confident in taking care of baby and knowing what he likes and what will amuse him and stuff, and liking it more too. I felt like I could keep going taking care of him alone, as I had done all day (mom couldn’t make it today), though I think if I did, I would have no other life outside of him if I had no one to relieve me of the duties.

i love when im holding him in my arms  nursing and he puts his arm around my rib cage, and presses his little hand against my side. sometimes he’ll stroke a little, too. His hand is always so warm.  and when we’re facing each other nursing in bed, how he squeezes my belly with his hand that’s closest to it, and kicks against my belly too, reminiscent of when he was on the inside of it. I know he’ll never remember this stuff, but to me they are highlights and so intimate.

I feel like for the next 10 years, I’ll still be in disbelief that we made this kid/that he came from us. he’s so wild, so perfect.

felt like i had PMS tonight, emotionally (after a long time of not feeling it – still have not bled since baby was born tho) cause a small thing set me off into a spiral of (seemingly disproportionate, but uncontrollable) anger. by the end of the spiral, this kept repeating in my head: “everything is worse now” as i rocked baby to sleep after feeding him, and it made me shake with sobs that i quieted. it’s 3:30 am as i write this- a few hours after it all happened, and i’ve woken up, as usual, multiple times already to feed baby, and am still not completely sure if i meant all the angry thoughts i thought. like it seemed so suddenly i thought them, but maybe they are true. or maybe PMS.  i don’t know. i wish i could sleep. sleep like normal again.

3/10/22

spirits, I show up when it’s time to show up. Funerals, weddings. I make an effort when I know I should, for my family. Now please show up for me. I need help. This is so hard.

it was easier being pregnant. It was much, much easier. I just had to take care of myself.

he woke up a lot last night to eat, it seemed like every two hours or even in the same hour. there were times I really wanted / was almost falling back asleep, and he would wake up again so I had to wake up to lift up my shirt and feed him, and pick him up and burp him if I had the energy. Today, I’m so tired I almost have a headache, and it hurts to smile and even to talk out loud.

3/11/22

lately when I look in the mirror, I’m not checking if I look pretty anymore, like I used to. All I’m checking for is that I won’t scare someone if I go outside.

3/1/22

i pray for physical health and spiritual confidence for my baby. that’s what i want for him.

3/2/22

first time I laughed so hard with baby that I snorted tonight. He actually played a game with me before bed. I was laying on my side and he was sitting up facing me and would put his head down on my stomach and quickly pick it up again and laugh. He initiated it and kept doing that- putting his head down and picking it up to look at me and laugh- kind of like peek-a-boo. It was freaking hilarious, because he wasn’t doing much but laughing so hysterically about it. He makes serious eye contact with me now – we are eye-contacting all the time.

3/3/22

9:14 pm – when did his head get so big?

2/23/22

today kept thinking about how when I asked my midwife Waverly for advice the day I was giving birth, she said that when it seemed the hardest, that’s when it was almost over. I wonder if that same concept applies to his life stages now.

last night, so much poo in his diaper that the poo made a little mountain in the diaper when I opened it. this morning, both poos went out the back of the diaper and had to change all his clothes both times, and the changing table cover too. spit up like four times since last night, like twice at night and twice again in the morning. all night last night, he woke up every hour to eat, instead of the usual every 2 to 4 hours. all night, every time I went back to sleep after feeding him, was hopeful that I wouldn’t have to wake up again for a few more hours or maybe one more hour until morning, but when he woke up again around 7 AM, my heart sank bc I knew there was no really going back to sleep because it was time for work.

then, caring for him alone all morning, waiting for my mom to get here at 12. Before she got here, I sat baby in the safest spot on the couch (or so I thought) to give my arms a rest. It was in the corner where he was buffered on both sides by cushions and I thought the furthest away from the edge. I also put the crescent shaped pillow around his front, in case he fell forward. He looked so cute like that I took a video for R. in the seconds between pressing send and putting the phone on the couch and then turning back to baby, I looked and baby had somehow toppled forward and I saw him going straight down headfirst to the floor, arms out (tho it’s a cushioned floor,) – his head was almost right at the floor when I saw him and he was falling slowly, (but not slowly enough), his front kind of sliding against the couch, and there was nothing I could do but for a millisecond not believe my eyes, then he hit, then lunge forward and pick him up from the upside down position and soothe him as he cried hard. Felt extremely guilty, felt like the worst mom, felt like I could not handle this or anything or anyone, asking myself how could the universe give a baby to me when I can’t even take care of it. Hunter was smiling and playing again within minutes after it happened, and I was feeling all around the part of his head where he hit and it all feels hard; i don’t think there’s a soft spot there – I just feel a soft spot in the back but he didn’t hit that part- he’s acting totally normal and I don’t think there was real damage, but still, it basically destroyed my day. just the image of him falling straight on his head, I can’t get it out of my head, I keep replaying it over and over again since it happened. I feel so bad about it, I didn’t tell anyone, not even my mom, or my husband.

(mulling over it in the days afterward, I think he must have fallen forward AND somehow pushed himself with his legs headfirst off the couch, all in a span of about three seconds. he moves so differently now than I expect, have to change with him. he’s almost crawling).

also today, he bit me hard on both nipples.. like everything that could go wrong today w baby, did.

one goal today: cry in the shower, if i can get to the shower.

2/25/22

my favorite is when he smiles in his sleep. i wonder if, generation after generation, every parent who dies with the thought of, “maybe my child will live forever,” is how we live forever.

2/27/22

yesterday, R gave me a nice compliment kind of by accident. I  was talking about ways I might get baby to sleep in his crib (we still sleep together in the bed), and I said that maybe when he goes through that stage where he doesn’t like me and is trying to be independent, I could put him in the crib to sleep, and R said, “I think he’s never gonna go through that stage and will always like you, because you’re not annoying, or pushy…” and he listed a bunch of other traits that I forget, but they were all nice, they came rambling out and then he looked at me and said, “…maybe I just think that because I like you.”

2/14/22

a few days ago, woke up to popped blood vessel in inner corner of left eye, i guess just from lack of sleep (it’s still there). mom took hunter for one night this weekend and i slept like the dead that night, never waking once, with no dreams or memory of it at all.

2/15/22

his hands are so fat, he has dimples at every knuckle now.

2/17/22

my goals have gotten very simple these days. Like today, in the afternoon, my goals were to 1) eat; and 2) close all the windows in the house.  if I can get all my goals done, I actually feel satisfied, because there’s only so much I can do with the baby.

feeling really clear headed tonight – i think  cause i got to nap an hour in the afternoon , and maybe also the weather (warm)

2/18/22

he’s started meeting my gaze from across the room and grinning at me like we share a secret. even though he can’t talk yet (just starting to say “mama ” sometimes) i feel a lot more connected to him just bc of this.

2/7/22

I think one of my biggest fears is that he will one day want something that that i can’t financially give him, and I’ll feel so bad about it.

2/9/22

I kind of just realized I think I like sleeping in the bed with him much more than trying to put him in the crib, not only because of the intimacy of touching all night, but I also realized that I am less anxious: when he’s in the crib, I’m just tossing and turning by myself in the bed waiting for him to cry, but in the bed with me, he just nudges/kicks me, and I know he wants to eat, so it’s not so disruptive to either of our sleeps in that he doesn’t have to get vocal. maybe when he doesn’t need to eat during the night anymore, we can transition to crib.

2/10/22

I think there might be this misconception in our society that once you have a kid, you sort of are doomed or sentenced or finished as a creative individual, or that a child makes you fade into oblivion or lose all your edges or something. And there is that life-draining aspect of keeping a baby alive in the early part, maybe the first year, that I’m still going through (and wouldn’t have survived without help).  But stepping back, what feels more accurate to me about this experience is that it’s like you die and then, through your child, get to start life all over again. It’s like being reborn. If you bond with and love and are close to them, you see everything through their eyes. starting from before they can even talk, when their brains are still forming so  you’re forced to read just the look in his eyes or the slightest change of expression to know what’s happening with him.  You get to see a whole life spectrum unfold before your eyes, right there warm in your arms, every day. You realize things about yourself (and others) you never knew because you were too young to remember at that age. and then this all connects to life, the life cycle, priorities,  You really start to understand/search for the meaning of security, the meaning of protection, what’s best for someone else, and it’s all centered around this now-permanent reaching outside of yourself. like, this reaching outside of yourself- once you have a kid, is now…irreversible; you can never go back.

he’s been smiling so big lately, it actually hurts my face to try and match him.