3/7/22
A side effect of sleeplessness that I don’t like, I’ve kind of lost my instinct with my appetite – I’m not sure when I’m really hungry or not, and very indecisive about what I want to eat.
I feel like the baby made me and my mom closer, because she comes here every day and we both take care of this amazing special wild thing that we never dreamed would be in our lives, watching him grow up, mutually caring for the same person so hard. We never did this together before. It’s really nice.
starting to see toys in everything/asking myself what could be a toy, because he plays so much now – has gotten super interactive. The other day, ran out of toys when he was in his crib and I needed a few more minutes, so grabbed a beeswax candle and threw it in, he seemed really interested and was mouthing it like he does everything nowadays.
3/9/22
5:35 PM: first time I had time to brush teeth today
today, kind of the first time that when rodrigo texted me he was coming home, I didn’t feel a sense of utter relief of baby duties thinking of when he’d be here. I’m getting more confident in taking care of baby and knowing what he likes and what will amuse him and stuff, and liking it more too. I felt like I could keep going taking care of him alone, as I had done all day (mom couldn’t make it today), though I think if I did, I would have no other life outside of him if I had no one to relieve me of the duties.
i love when im holding him in my arms nursing and he puts his arm around my rib cage, and presses his little hand against my side. sometimes he’ll stroke a little, too. His hand is always so warm. and when we’re facing each other nursing in bed, how he squeezes my belly with his hand that’s closest to it, and kicks against my belly too, reminiscent of when he was on the inside of it. I know he’ll never remember this stuff, but to me they are highlights and so intimate.
I feel like for the next 10 years, I’ll still be in disbelief that we made this kid/that he came from us. he’s so wild, so perfect.
felt like i had PMS tonight, emotionally (after a long time of not feeling it – still have not bled since baby was born tho) cause a small thing set me off into a spiral of (seemingly disproportionate, but uncontrollable) anger. by the end of the spiral, this kept repeating in my head: “everything is worse now” as i rocked baby to sleep after feeding him, and it made me shake with sobs that i quieted. it’s 3:30 am as i write this- a few hours after it all happened, and i’ve woken up, as usual, multiple times already to feed baby, and am still not completely sure if i meant all the angry thoughts i thought. like it seemed so suddenly i thought them, but maybe they are true. or maybe PMS. i don’t know. i wish i could sleep. sleep like normal again.
3/10/22
spirits, I show up when it’s time to show up. Funerals, weddings. I make an effort when I know I should, for my family. Now please show up for me. I need help. This is so hard.
it was easier being pregnant. It was much, much easier. I just had to take care of myself.
he woke up a lot last night to eat, it seemed like every two hours or even in the same hour. there were times I really wanted / was almost falling back asleep, and he would wake up again so I had to wake up to lift up my shirt and feed him, and pick him up and burp him if I had the energy. Today, I’m so tired I almost have a headache, and it hurts to smile and even to talk out loud.
3/11/22
lately when I look in the mirror, I’m not checking if I look pretty anymore, like I used to. All I’m checking for is that I won’t scare someone if I go outside.
Marriage Journal 