little breakdown

5/3/22

Had a little breakdown from many stressful things happening at once: baby being sick and waking more times a night to feed, so made me even more sleep-deprived than I already was; got a lot of work today at work so that I didn’t really have time to do anything today but work; cat Snowflake’s cancer seems worse and I’ve been making vet appointments for him which are so expensive and he hates going to them; Hunter fell off the bed (which is pretty high) this morning when I was trying to juggle work and him and everything at once before mom got here to help and it was like traumatic for me to see—I witnessed him falling headfirst to the floor and I couldn’t get there in time to stop it (I think he’s ok, but he has a bruise on his face), I was really hungry this morning but between hunter crying and work and everything, heated up some cheese toast and didn’t have time to eat it; I’m typing my work out with my laptop on top of our big humidifier because we’re still not completely moved into this house after over a year of being here because no time since the baby and I wanted a proper desk, etc.

5/5/22

Euthanized Snowflake. Within the span of a day or two, he had stopped eating, and then drinking. The vet said he was losing weight and dehydrated, mom was feeding him food and water by shooting it into his mouth with syringe. did it with house paws mobile vet (they are very nice) in the backyard, it was a sunny afternoon, beautiful. I held him in my arms during the injections; he was trying to get away after the first injection (sedative) I think. Then he got really drowsy and couldn’t go anywhere after it started to take effect, and I just held him and stroked his favorite places and told him everybody loved him over and over (mom and dad were there, hunter too, and boo on Facetime from Germany). I was ok and had it together until I think after the second injection, which is the actual euthanasia med. just knowing what was happening right there to him in my arms, that these would be his last moments on earth after like 16 years with us, and we all knew, and I did it to him, but there was no way I could have told him or warned him about it, so maybe he was sad or surprised, I don’t know. And if I could have told him, would he have wanted to know, like would it have been better? I couldn’t control tears as he started to go limp, and after the vets left, I sobbed and sobbed with him still in my lap, his weight felt heavy (but he’s only 8 pounds) on my knees in the backyard. I hadn’t taken off work so I was a little worried I had gotten some work during the whole thing, but my laptop was inside, I couldn’t check. everyone left me alone for a while, I think I saw mom start to cry early in the process and she took hunter inside with her. no more cats now, no more pets at all.

5/8/22

since the “breakdown” on tues, R’s been sleeping with baby every night now (I leave him pumped milk) and I’m starting to feel a little better cause I’m sleeping longer in my own room apart from them, from maybe like 12 am until 5 am. I keep saying to R to let me know if he’s too tired and I can take over again, but he keeps saying he’s ok. I’m kind of relieved, but also worried, because his day job is much more physical than mine (construction).

yesterday we took the box spring part of the bed away (i don’t know why this never occurred to either of us to do before, maybe bc we were both too busy/stressed and yesterday mom took hunter so we had some moments to ourselves to think) and it made the bed a lot shorter for one – mattress is on the floor now so if he falls, he can’t get as hurt, and 2, it made the awful squeaking sound the bed always had, go away.

Hunter talking a lot, to himself and to us, just jibber jabber, dada, mama. one new thing he started doing is waving – mom started teaching him to do it on Thurs, she said, “wave goodbye to Snowflake.” now he’s picking up his arm and like doing waves with it all the time, even when not saying hello or goodbye –just at random times, it’s really funny. Also he’s started suddenly just tilting back his head and leaning all the way back at random times; tho it’s funny too, I don’t like this as much bc I’m afraid I won’t react fast enough when he does it one day when I’m holding him and he’ll get hurt.