7/28/24

had a dream last night/this morning that I didn’t even realize I had, like i had incorporated it as real life or had totally forgotten/buried it, until I woke up and went on Facebook and was looking for a guitar to buy and the wording of one listing about saving money just jolted my memory of the dream. 

It was: well, there were a lot of details I forget now. But what I remember now, hours later, was: we needed money, and the character in the dream who was supposed to be R came up with this…way. it was like a kind of shady, underbelly, illegal thing where im not even sure exactly but involved competition in which every competitor dropped a hat and then immediately after, picked up a rifle and shot at a target and i guess whoever did it fastest and hit the target most accurately won. so the rifle he got me wasn’t “real” – it worked but was pieced together with just junk parts. then like the next day he tried to buy a real rifle from Lowe’s, but he came out empty-handed because they declined his card because he had no money. And I thought to myself how I could’ve bought my own rifle, but I didn’t want to do anything illegal. So I guess I was just going to compete with this like junk rifle. I don’t know.

“I forgot to warm it up a little bit so it’ll taste good and nicey-doo”

– Hunter when he was playing with a toy blender and microwave at his cousin’s 

7/29/24

3:36 am

So every time this weekend I thought I would be able to cut his nails, he either woke up from his nap, or by the time he fell asleep for the night I was too tired to do it, and was rushing to go to bed myself.  So tonight, around 3:30 in the middle of the night I woke up remembering that they were not cut, and tomorrow he would probably be gone for the rest of the week and they were too long, so went down then to do it. Hard to fall asleep afterwards. The next day, today, so tired, I can hardly stand or sit up straight. Did not do anything today except take care of baby half the day, eat, go to bathroom, and work.

8/3/24

watching him this morning, with his feet on my arm, still sleeping, thought: “now my heart is outside of my body.” then: “why would anyone do this to themselves?

7/23/24

Hunter is calling me from Granny’s house more now, and it’s usually to show me a new toy he got or to tell me that he’s gone to the potty. I act very pleased and surprised lol.

The other night, we were all in bed, Hunter had just fallen asleep during one of my stories, and by the way R was squeezing me I knew he wanted sex, so in my mind, I figured we could have the sex – which would put Hunter into a deeper sleep (bc about 20 minutes would’ve passed) – and then I could go back and cut his nails after that. It was just a little sad to me that I was like fitting sex into a kind of to-do list, but that is how my brain has been working like ever since Hunter’s been born. So it always takes me a bit longer now to get into the sex because I’m thinking of what I have to do next, but I can usually get into it eventually, if I’m not too tired. I know it won’t always be like this. I hope.

had a moment this weekend – it was in the car, and the predominant feeling was pain from being hot and sweaty and it stinging my skin in multiple places and I was also in the middle of doing something- I forget what – feeding or changing the baby – it was something I realized I would be doing over and over for the next maybe like 8-10 years, and I wanted to kill myself – like I thought of maybe how I might do it. But then the moment passed, and I was OK again.

7/25/24

today started using this probiotic spray called Defensin, by a company named Skinesa. And same day, I stopped the Allergiemittel, because my skin wasn’t getting any better while I took it. I’m hoping the spray will help, it supposedly did well in clinical trials and I think I bookmarked this company during one of my searches so I guess they’re good.

I also prayed this morning, in bed, before I got up. I asked God for help because, I told him – I’ve been doing so much on my own and nothing is helping, so I need your help please.

7/16/24

still taking the Allergiemittel every day, about three times daily.

I wonder if getting sick and almost dying from taking care of them is nature’s way of protecting your heart from loving your baby too much. in every quiet moment that my mind is not occupied, it wanders back to him. BUT then I remember how traumatic breast-feeding was, and i’m so glad he’s not going to stay a baby forever.

7/19/24

had a totally painless, pain-free period this cycle. I think this might have been a first of all time – there’s usually at least some mild cramping. but this time, there was nothing – I only felt the blood when it came out, which I think I once read is how it’s supposed to be if you’re healthy.

our 5th wedding anniversary coming up in august. was thinking how a wedding is like a beginning. then had this feeling: we won’t know how important it was that we found and then chose each other, until the end, after we’ve been through everything. like only then will we realize…the impact, the significance of having each other, of having had each other, R and I. 

have stopped seeing the counselor in order to save money (was $60 each session and afterwards i would keep thinking of all the groceries i could’ve bought with $60). i told her maybe we could meet as-needed, but lately it feels like we’re doing good and can handle things.

7/8/24

my dream right now is just to be able to go into the water at the beach once before the summer is over. That’s all I want – to be whole enough to do that. please take care of me. (I feel like it’s not as bad lately, but still, it would really sting and just be a disaster in my current condition.)

7/11/24

when my feet are bad, I walk different all day, flexing my toes because if I lay them straight down, the tops of my feet will crack open and it will be even more uncomfortable, so it’s a strain on my leg muscles I guess, because my legs get really sore. R has been massaging them, and it feels so good. 

found a really good sour cream!

7/12/24

Today I was super tired and watching Hunter by myself and tried to nap two different times- once in the morning, and the other time in the afternoon. In the morning, I lay down and gave him a sticker book if he promised to not bother me, and I could tell he was really trying, because like five minutes went by while he played with it and he didn’t say anything, but then he finally  turned to me just as I was falling asleep to ask me something, and then just kept talking, and that nap opportunity was gone. Then in the afternoon, he was watching a show he liked, which I thought would occupy him, and I lay down on the couch to try to get sleep, but every time he saw me falling asleep, he would shout “mama wake up!” but then something really sweet happened- not too long after that, I was sitting in the next room, and he suddenly came in with a kind of confused/troubled look on his face and said, “mama I’m sorry for bothering you” and looked down. And it spontaneously melted my heart and I told him it was all OK, and hugged him. I know he was trying, but he’s only two.

7/14/24

have started using silver solution on my feet, and it seems like it’s getting a little better, but I can’t say for sure right now because it’s only been like two days.

realized something today that I was doing all along, since maybe when I first found out I was pregnant until present day, but couldn’t put it into words until today, regarding healing my skin: if I can fix it for myself, then maybe whatever i find could also fix it for him. (baby’s skin is great and actually has been perfect recently, but I do think that when he’s stressed or has imbalance somewhere, his skin is where it does show up.) like i listen and research and try for fixes twice as hard now, because I’m doing it not just for myself.

was thinking today that I can’t imagine how people who don’t love each other survive marriage, because I feel like love is all that’s holding us together right now. the circumstances (my health, our finances, etc.) are kinda sad i guess, but the love is good.

6/30/24

thinking about that 10%. i think…in the beginning i definitely fell in love with R, KNOWING he was impulsive and spontaneous. Maybe not fully comprehending the extent of it, but definitely sensing these characteristics in him and liking them. and i still love him – he wasn’t told really what to expect with a baby, same as me, and though i definitely still think the burden of labor, starting from pregnancy through birth until now fell/falls with me, things are gradually starting to even out. he’s not like a superhero, but most men are not. he’s a good guy who loves me back and is trying in every area of his life. and everything that’s happened, i wanted to happen. this baby is one of my dreams come true. i guess… it’s just easier for me to blame when things get hard. i just want some burden – any burden- off my shoulders.

7/2/24

have been thinking about death recently- not so much directly, but just when alone, feeling it more – the ultimately of it, the inevitable approaching of it. lots of things triggered this i think: watching the whole series of Six Feet Under and other shows, just everyone around me getting older as well as myself, how my mortality was brought center stage when i had to go into hospital 15 months into breastfeeding, and being chronically sick ever since. to ponder it feels…a bit uneasy, uncomfortable, achy when i think i won’t see Hunter’s whole life from beginning to end, probably. And it also makes a lot of things that concerned me when younger, like jewelry and trinkets and outfits, seem really unimportant, which in turn makes me feel like i wasted so much time. 

at the same time…i think there’s something to be said about looks and appearances. what interests me about it right now is how looking at something beautiful or feeling beautiful can change your mood, which i’m sure affects chemicals and hormones and a cascade of other body processes positively. and in contrast, constantly feeling or thinking “ugly” and “disgusting” – how that might keep you down in a perpetual cycle of sickness, or at least factor into prolonged sickness.

6/23/24

i realized today what’s so hard about early years with a kid. it’s the division of labor, bc there’s SO MUCH MORE labor once a baby is here. who does what, who is doing more, who is not doing enough, and that’s the origin of resentment, for me. 

Pre-baby, we were the happiest couple, i felt like. But now, sometimes, i just can’t get over like…everything i had to do and was expected to do – all the demands made on my body from a baby-boy plus a man-boy for years now since he was born- demands that seemed to all happen simultaneously…the overwhelm – I feel like I’m not over it, because (minus the breastfeeding) it’s still happening, and I even wish it all never happened sometimes, which I feel horrible for saying. I think if you asked me my ultimate answer, though, I wanted the baby, and I want him, and I’ll always want him. But it’s almost too difficult. Like today when i was able to eat lunch for 5 minutes by myself and turn the tv on to something i wanted while the baby was in the house, i felt the sneakiest i’ve ever been in my entire life, like i got away with murder. it only lasted five minutes though, before baby found me, with R right behind him.

when everything gets hard, i find myself blaming R for everything:

-we visit the beach and i can’t go into the water because of my feet? it’s bc you got me pregnant, breastfeeding for 2 years fucked me up and now i’m like this and it’s all your fault. 

-on a scale of zero to my prettiest, i’m feeling like zero. why?  bc you got me pregnant, breastfeeding for 2 years fucked me up and now i’m like this and it’s all your fault. 

– i have brain fog, i’m tired, i lose my balance now and i was never like this before. why?  bc you got me pregnant, breastfeeding for 2 years fucked me up and now i’m like this and it’s all your fault. 

and on and on, with every possibly applicable thing. 

I….don’t want to be like this bc i know it is/will hurt our relationship. At the same time, i feel like…it’s all like 90% true, so i can’t stop feeling it. idk what to do. basically i’m suffering like 12/7 (not 24/7 anymore like when i was bf because i do sleep now) and i blame him for all of it. i..i could try to explore that 10% – maybe what i’m feeling isn’t completely true.

6/24/24

Hunter just stamped his name all over his arms and feet and floor all around him. R fell asleep while watching him and when I was passing by I saw it. 

6/26/24

started taking Allergiemittel as much as possible today and will continue for a significant time to see if it works. Because skin is still bad and doesn’t seem to be getting any better. maybe the key IS diet, because it did not suddenly get better yet, and when I thought it was getting better, I started sneaking bites of cheese and restricted things because I thought I was on my way up, and maybe this is what brought me back down.

6/28/24

realized something tonight while washing dishes, after a day with the baby. You know how they say that marriage is hard work – I feel like they mostly mean emotional work. But what parenthood is, at least from birth through toddlerhood, is like physical work and manual labor. Unless you have a maid to do these things for you, to enter parenthood is to embrace: tons of extra laundry (i do basically all of it), extra dishes to do (i do most of it, though i do use more dishes since i’m home more), extra meals, more food needed to be bought and cooked, the management of diapers and poo and pee all day every day- which is not a small thing (my parents do most of it right now bc they watch him while we work), the management of his little body, bathing, worry, sicknesses, dressing and undressing, so much spit up, so many messes. And that’s without mentioning all the labor that i alone did and do: breastfeeding, and every single week catching him during a nap so i can clip his finger and toe nails. Parenthood I would equate to a test of physical endurance. like a years and years long test. and no one really tells you that.

6/18/24

since the night I thought skin was getting better, it’s been going back-and-forth. Like it’s not getting steadily better. The next night it seemed worse, and the night after that seemed a little better than the night before, and then tonight it seemed worse. So, I don’t know. I don’t know why I thought from that night on it would be a straight shoot to better, I guess it’s just what I really hoped. I don’t know anymore. but I feel kind of the same feeling like when you buy a lottery ticket and then you find out you didn’t win.

my birthday turned out pretty good. The first half of the day I realized R forgot my birthday Lol.  but then, I felt really tired in the afternoon and just as I was laying down in Hunter’s bed to take a nap around three, thinking about him, I heard his little voice screaming outside and realized my parents had brought him over to wish me happy birthday, and I jumped up and was so happy to see him, I missed him. so their visit jolted R into realizing it was my birthday, and he came in hugging me and apologetic, and we laughed about it and then he was extra nice to me the rest of the day lol. We brought back Hunter to my parents after I finished work, then stopped by sprouts on the way home to pick up a nice dinner and snacks and fruits, and then came home and he cooked for me again (he had cooked lunch for me too), and we rented Dune part two, which was basically all I wanted for my birthday, and had a nice time on the couch watching and eating and cuddling. the best part of the whole day was laying on his chest listening his heart beat and talking with him about what we both think happens after we die. that was at the end of the night.

for every perfect, thriving child being watched by his grandparents, is there a mother alone at home stumbling through a dark recovery?

6/19/24

even if it is the end of the world, at least you get to see what’s at the end of the world.

a breakout feels like flies crawling on my lips. 

it’s funny how once someone’s born, you just assume they’ll be here forever, but that’s not true. (just came across old pic of my younger cousin who killed himself)

6/22/24

having such weird 2.5 years postpartum, midst-of-heat-wave dreams. dreamt i was badly hurt and as i recovered, i heard someone saying (she was talking about me to someone else) that “every 15 minutes, she diminishes the wrong done to her more and more in her mind” so that when i woke up, i wouldn’t have a voice anymore to tell the assailant (or anyone else) what they’d done wrong. it would be like it never happened, even though it did.

6/10/24

I don’t know if it’s just psychological effect from seeing in my allergy app that the tree pollen count is low, but lately it does seem that I feel better inside, like my immune system feels more normal instead of out of control. calmer.

thinking of stopping any and all allergy meds and just continue taking basic every day supplements, to see if it is indeed the drop in tree pollen count that turns my skin around. Because that would be like a…good thing to know. if it does get better, maybe if I start these allergy meds way earlier like a month before allergy season, they would work. But it seems like once my skin gets bad, I’m too far gone for any allergy meds to help me out of the midst of it.

6/12/24

to crave the taste of bitter. What does that feel like?

in the last few days, my skin seems better, but I can’t quite tell. There’s still a little itch, and it’s still looks bad, and there’s still weeping. But it seems maybe not as inflamed. I could be fooling myself, that’s how not dramatic any changes are. But i’ve stopped all allergy meds – just eating well and regular supplements and trying to sleep well but sleep schedule is still messed up (sleep from like 2 am to 7, wake for work and do anything urgent, go back to sleep until 11 or 12. I go to bed around a normal time, but skin discomfort keeps me up for hours and also sometimes wakes me up. I could try to go to bed super early at like 7 PM and then maybe I’d fall asleep at a good hour, but if I did that every night, I wouldn’t see R, or anyone at all, ever. Maybe just some nights I’ll do it.)

mentally, I feel more in charge of things than when it first got bad – like I got into a routine and have products now to care for it because I’ve had a while to adjust and procure them, so it doesn’t feel as out of control as when it first started and i wasn’t expecting it or prepared at all. 

another thing helping to make me feel better mentally/physiologically is that I kind of cornered R and asked him how he felt about all that time I spent without sleep while breastfeeding – I estimated it to be about 500 nights straight i went without a full night of sleep. I realized that even though it was over (though still a relatively recent event), I was still really angry about the unfairness of it, and talking with our therapist helped me realize that I just needed some validation or acknowledgment from him regarding it. and R replied, among other things that pacified me, “I can’t imagine how hard that was for you and I wish I’d helped you more and made you feel more helped.” that was all I needed. I just needed to know his opinion about me almost working myself to death for our baby. I needed to know if he cared at all, because after the birth we were pretty blindsided by how difficult it was to care for the baby and were just trying to survive it day by day, kind of up until now (now that baby is less chaotic/we’ve adjusted), so we’d never really discussed it. And I guess he did care, through his words and also bc he’s been trying a lot harder and being more considerate since I pressed him about it. 

6/14/24

tonight was pretty pivotal. When I took my socks off, after the initial few minutes, it seemed pretty certainly better: Things were flatter, there was hardly any weeping, and instead of needing to soothe two or three hours, I felt better in one hour, and the whole session didn’t hurt as much as all the past nights. I was suspecting a little that it was getting better before, but really wasn’t sure at all until tonight. i’m really relieved, but not really joyful; I’m more like exhausted and a little traumatized from the past months of dealing with it. I’m just…. relieved. if it keeps getting better, it’s a big burden off of me. My sleep will improve, I’ll be able to walk like a normal person and wear normal shoes and not feel gross and like i’m falling apart all the time, and I’ll be able to put my bare feet under blankets at night which i prefer to do when I sleep – for the past few weeks, every night I had to make sure I slept with my feet sticking out of the blanket all night because of how much weeping there was. 

also, I really want to know the reason. The only thing I can think of is the pollen level change. because I stopped the allergy meds, and everything else stayed the same. i added the glutathione- maybe it was that. idk. all I know is for the past about two months, my feet were really bad and all the allergy medicine and foods and cutting sugar I tried seemed to not help at all. And the start of the whole thing coincided with the onset of tree pollen, and now that it’s getting better, it also is coinciding with the decrease of it, and from my journal, it seems like it only took about a week for two months of unchanging badness to suddenly get better. i’m even not being so strict lately with the diet, eating bites of cheese here and there, and a little more sugar (though zero refined sugar). Like if it were diet or medicine or supplements that helped me, wouldn’t it have gotten better much more gradually? also, have not used steroids at all since that one bit of time a few weeks ago that I wrote about it. So it must be an outside/environmental factor, is all I can conclude.

6/5/24

alarm reminders going off what seems all day, every day now. time passing too quickly; in my head it seems slower than all around me, which seems sped up. 

last night was the first time that, instead of just weeping, my one foot while itching had a tiny cut which bled a lot – by which I mean the blood pooled in the middle of my foot and was dripping down the side and I had to use a tissue two different times to dab it to make it stop. I wasn’t sure if this was a good or bad sign of healing, but incidentally, tonight was the first night that I took my socks off and did not need to itch at all.

6/7/24

realized today, while taking care of baby that he’s at this stage where when he wants me and is calling for me, if I don’t immediately drop what I’m doing, he’ll make a racket and not have it and kind of raise hell if I don’t; but other times, I’ll ask him to wait, and he’ll just be like, “OK” and walk away. And there’s kind of no telling which reaction it’ll be – it seems random.

thought this to myself like three different times today: “if I’m ever just not in bodily pain again, I’ll be happy. I don’t care what circumstances I’m in, if I’m poor, or everything else is falling apart – if I’m just not in pain, I’ll be happy. i promise.” like as long as my body is whole and works, i feel like i couldn’t ask for anything more.

6/9/24

I noticed in my Allergy Plus app that in the past like two days, the tree pollen count that I’m allergic to is so low that it’s not even on the map anymore and it’s just grass pollen now, which I’m not allergic to (only ragweed, which is low). So we’ll see if maybe this change affects my skin? i also just stopped the Allergena drops (because i’d already used up half of the two-ounce bottle, every day taking it as directed, and saw no improvement) and started Allegiemittel tablets…but maybe nothing really makes a difference, except the pollen count outside?

5/28/24

just added glutathione supplement like three days ago, and it seemed to coincide with my skin getting a little better. I don’t know if it’s a coincidence, but it did seem to time itself pretty much in line with when I started the supplement.

I just heard R laugh in the kitchen, then he said, “I feel like we have a big mouse in the house.” He held up a cheese bread with a little bite in it. He said, “I keep finding all this food with little bites in it.” Hunter has a habit, when we give him a bowl of things, to take a bite of every piece, but not finish any one piece. 

also wanted to record Hunter’s recently gained this really sweet habit of, when he’s near us or we’re holding him, he grabs onto our earlobes and holds them, and presses them between his fingers while leaning in close.  just this really tender gesture of love/baby sweetness.

5/30/24

tonight, was taking off these really tight fitting pants next to R and was having a hard time getting them off at the ends and he very purposefully avoided the bad part of my feet – I know he remembered even though you can’t see it with my socks on – and firmly gripped each of my ankles to help me get the pants off. Such a small thing, but it really touched my heart, when he remembers things about my body, like where to touch and where not to. I kept thinking about it after he did it, and every time I thought about it, it made me love him more.

6/1/24

i feel like this window of time is so fleeting: that when woken up and upset, all Hunter has to do is hold my face in his little hands- grasp my ears- press his cheek to mine- and that’s enough to put him back to sleep. i feel like it won’t be long before…i won’t be enough to soothe what ails him. like his problems will stretch beyond the realm of my body, which for now seems like enough to comfort him.

6/2/24

so every night for the past maybe week straight, I’ve been up at night soothing feet for maybe two, sometimes three hours, making me go to sleep really late like two or three in the morning. One night it was 4 AM. And every night there’s weeping and pain, and today, me and R and Hunter went to the lake and had a nice barbecue and I was in some pain all day, but tonight when i took my socks off, my feet for some reason didn’t seem to hurt as much as the other nights. still some weeping & a little pain, but I didn’t need to soothe for like three hours – it was only an hour or two. haven’t used steroids since the week of that last time i mentioned it. of course I’m hoping it’s getting better finally. But…maybe it was just an off night/coincidence? Maybe it was because I was out and got a lot of sun today when usually I don’t leave the house? (pollen count is still high.) Or maybe it is the Allergena medicine I’m taking finally starting to take effect – I’m about halfway through the 2 ounce bottle now.  or maybe it was because I took a Culturelle during the day today, and usually I don’t? Just so many factors, and I’m not sure what’s working. Still trying my best… i’d really like to know the reason why it’s getting better, if it is getting better. Like so I can replicate it in the future. is it all the things I’m doing combined just finally starting to take effect? Or is it none of the things i’m doing, and maybe the pollen season is just starting to recede? It’s so hard to know why and what’s going on. it would be nice to know though because the cost of the supplements really add up and I wouldn’t take them if I didn’t have to.

i feel like…whoever has the clearest, calmest mind wins. and i also feel like incidentally…pain is a part of like…getting there and achieving that mind. For some reason. it helps put into focus what’s important. But, at the same time, I’m tired of pain at this point and I feel like i’d accept some fuzziness of mind if that meant not having to worry about pain anymore. bc for me it just makes everything – ordinary things like walking, putting on and taking off shoes, even what positions i sit in or sleep in in bed, etc. – like 5x harder.