this window of time

5/28/24

just added glutathione supplement like three days ago, and it seemed to coincide with my skin getting a little better. I don’t know if it’s a coincidence, but it did seem to time itself pretty much in line with when I started the supplement.

I just heard R laugh in the kitchen, then he said, “I feel like we have a big mouse in the house.” He held up a cheese bread with a little bite in it. He said, “I keep finding all this food with little bites in it.” Hunter has a habit, when we give him a bowl of things, to take a bite of every piece, but not finish any one piece. 

also wanted to record Hunter’s recently gained this really sweet habit of, when he’s near us or we’re holding him, he grabs onto our earlobes and holds them, and presses them between his fingers while leaning in close.  just this really tender gesture of love/baby sweetness.

5/30/24

tonight, was taking off these really tight fitting pants next to R and was having a hard time getting them off at the ends and he very purposefully avoided the bad part of my feet – I know he remembered even though you can’t see it with my socks on – and firmly gripped each of my ankles to help me get the pants off. Such a small thing, but it really touched my heart, when he remembers things about my body, like where to touch and where not to. I kept thinking about it after he did it, and every time I thought about it, it made me love him more.

6/1/24

i feel like this window of time is so fleeting: that when woken up and upset, all Hunter has to do is hold my face in his little hands- grasp my ears- press his cheek to mine- and that’s enough to put him back to sleep. i feel like it won’t be long before…i won’t be enough to soothe what ails him. like his problems will stretch beyond the realm of my body, which for now seems like enough to comfort him.

6/2/24

so every night for the past maybe week straight, I’ve been up at night soothing feet for maybe two, sometimes three hours, making me go to sleep really late like two or three in the morning. One night it was 4 AM. And every night there’s weeping and pain, and today, me and R and Hunter went to the lake and had a nice barbecue and I was in some pain all day, but tonight when i took my socks off, my feet for some reason didn’t seem to hurt as much as the other nights. still some weeping & a little pain, but I didn’t need to soothe for like three hours – it was only an hour or two. haven’t used steroids since the week of that last time i mentioned it. of course I’m hoping it’s getting better finally. But…maybe it was just an off night/coincidence? Maybe it was because I was out and got a lot of sun today when usually I don’t leave the house? (pollen count is still high.) Or maybe it is the Allergena medicine I’m taking finally starting to take effect – I’m about halfway through the 2 ounce bottle now.  or maybe it was because I took a Culturelle during the day today, and usually I don’t? Just so many factors, and I’m not sure what’s working. Still trying my best… i’d really like to know the reason why it’s getting better, if it is getting better. Like so I can replicate it in the future. is it all the things I’m doing combined just finally starting to take effect? Or is it none of the things i’m doing, and maybe the pollen season is just starting to recede? It’s so hard to know why and what’s going on. it would be nice to know though because the cost of the supplements really add up and I wouldn’t take them if I didn’t have to.

i feel like…whoever has the clearest, calmest mind wins. and i also feel like incidentally…pain is a part of like…getting there and achieving that mind. For some reason. it helps put into focus what’s important. But, at the same time, I’m tired of pain at this point and I feel like i’d accept some fuzziness of mind if that meant not having to worry about pain anymore. bc for me it just makes everything – ordinary things like walking, putting on and taking off shoes, even what positions i sit in or sleep in in bed, etc. – like 5x harder.