6/23/24
i realized today what’s so hard about early years with a kid. it’s the division of labor, bc there’s SO MUCH MORE labor once a baby is here. who does what, who is doing more, who is not doing enough, and that’s the origin of resentment, for me.
Pre-baby, we were the happiest couple, i felt like. But now, sometimes, i just can’t get over like…everything i had to do and was expected to do – all the demands made on my body from a baby-boy plus a man-boy for years now since he was born- demands that seemed to all happen simultaneously…the overwhelm – I feel like I’m not over it, because (minus the breastfeeding) it’s still happening, and I even wish it all never happened sometimes, which I feel horrible for saying. I think if you asked me my ultimate answer, though, I wanted the baby, and I want him, and I’ll always want him. But it’s almost too difficult. Like today when i was able to eat lunch for 5 minutes by myself and turn the tv on to something i wanted while the baby was in the house, i felt the sneakiest i’ve ever been in my entire life, like i got away with murder. it only lasted five minutes though, before baby found me, with R right behind him.
when everything gets hard, i find myself blaming R for everything:
-we visit the beach and i can’t go into the water because of my feet? it’s bc you got me pregnant, breastfeeding for 2 years fucked me up and now i’m like this and it’s all your fault.
-on a scale of zero to my prettiest, i’m feeling like zero. why? bc you got me pregnant, breastfeeding for 2 years fucked me up and now i’m like this and it’s all your fault.
– i have brain fog, i’m tired, i lose my balance now and i was never like this before. why? bc you got me pregnant, breastfeeding for 2 years fucked me up and now i’m like this and it’s all your fault.
and on and on, with every possibly applicable thing.
I….don’t want to be like this bc i know it is/will hurt our relationship. At the same time, i feel like…it’s all like 90% true, so i can’t stop feeling it. idk what to do. basically i’m suffering like 12/7 (not 24/7 anymore like when i was bf because i do sleep now) and i blame him for all of it. i..i could try to explore that 10% – maybe what i’m feeling isn’t completely true.
6/24/24
Hunter just stamped his name all over his arms and feet and floor all around him. R fell asleep while watching him and when I was passing by I saw it.
6/26/24
started taking Allergiemittel as much as possible today and will continue for a significant time to see if it works. Because skin is still bad and doesn’t seem to be getting any better. maybe the key IS diet, because it did not suddenly get better yet, and when I thought it was getting better, I started sneaking bites of cheese and restricted things because I thought I was on my way up, and maybe this is what brought me back down.
6/28/24
realized something tonight while washing dishes, after a day with the baby. You know how they say that marriage is hard work – I feel like they mostly mean emotional work. But what parenthood is, at least from birth through toddlerhood, is like physical work and manual labor. Unless you have a maid to do these things for you, to enter parenthood is to embrace: tons of extra laundry (i do basically all of it), extra dishes to do (i do most of it, though i do use more dishes since i’m home more), extra meals, more food needed to be bought and cooked, the management of diapers and poo and pee all day every day- which is not a small thing (my parents do most of it right now bc they watch him while we work), the management of his little body, bathing, worry, sicknesses, dressing and undressing, so much spit up, so many messes. And that’s without mentioning all the labor that i alone did and do: breastfeeding, and every single week catching him during a nap so i can clip his finger and toe nails. Parenthood I would equate to a test of physical endurance. like a years and years long test. and no one really tells you that.
Marriage Journal 