a dark recovery

6/18/24

since the night I thought skin was getting better, it’s been going back-and-forth. Like it’s not getting steadily better. The next night it seemed worse, and the night after that seemed a little better than the night before, and then tonight it seemed worse. So, I don’t know. I don’t know why I thought from that night on it would be a straight shoot to better, I guess it’s just what I really hoped. I don’t know anymore. but I feel kind of the same feeling like when you buy a lottery ticket and then you find out you didn’t win.

my birthday turned out pretty good. The first half of the day I realized R forgot my birthday Lol.  but then, I felt really tired in the afternoon and just as I was laying down in Hunter’s bed to take a nap around three, thinking about him, I heard his little voice screaming outside and realized my parents had brought him over to wish me happy birthday, and I jumped up and was so happy to see him, I missed him. so their visit jolted R into realizing it was my birthday, and he came in hugging me and apologetic, and we laughed about it and then he was extra nice to me the rest of the day lol. We brought back Hunter to my parents after I finished work, then stopped by sprouts on the way home to pick up a nice dinner and snacks and fruits, and then came home and he cooked for me again (he had cooked lunch for me too), and we rented Dune part two, which was basically all I wanted for my birthday, and had a nice time on the couch watching and eating and cuddling. the best part of the whole day was laying on his chest listening his heart beat and talking with him about what we both think happens after we die. that was at the end of the night.

for every perfect, thriving child being watched by his grandparents, is there a mother alone at home stumbling through a dark recovery?

6/19/24

even if it is the end of the world, at least you get to see what’s at the end of the world.

a breakout feels like flies crawling on my lips. 

it’s funny how once someone’s born, you just assume they’ll be here forever, but that’s not true. (just came across old pic of my younger cousin who killed himself)

6/22/24

having such weird 2.5 years postpartum, midst-of-heat-wave dreams. dreamt i was badly hurt and as i recovered, i heard someone saying (she was talking about me to someone else) that “every 15 minutes, she diminishes the wrong done to her more and more in her mind” so that when i woke up, i wouldn’t have a voice anymore to tell the assailant (or anyone else) what they’d done wrong. it would be like it never happened, even though it did.