10/6/24

I was thinking, it’s kind of sad/cruel that I’ve brought this person into the world that I feel like I need to stay in his life til the end, and I probably will not be there for all of it.

*

the media message is that if you feel bad and/or look bad, you don’t belong. which can easily be translated to: you don’t belong here. like on earth. but it’s not true. If you’re here, you fucking belong here, and you’ll get through it.

10/8/24

yesterday morning, our $200 electric bill charged to our joint account, and our balance went to -$11. I zelled R $50 and asked him to put it in our account that morning, and the day flew by, and after I had put Hunter to sleep, it was about 11 PM at night and I checked our account and it was still in the negative, and R had already fallen asleep, so last night around 11:30 pm, absolutely exhausted, i drove to the bank and deposited all the cash in my wallet, $40, to avoid the overdraft fee.

I realized today, though, what hits my nerves so much about our account going into the negative. I was thinking how when me and R were dating, and he would pay for our dinners and for everything on all our dates, it made me feel taken care of and safe. Secure. A solid foundation, it seemed. And now, when we don’t have money, it’s translating to me like he’s not taking care of us. And that has a lot of implications, like “not taking care of us” can equal “he doesn’t care about us.” But I guess I have to think about that, if it really means that in reality. I think in reality…he still cares, but with him attempting to single-handedly get his business off the ground and with additional baby expenses, everything’s simply too much financially. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. Right? what also muddies the waters is that with the baby, there’s no time anymore really for one on one dates, or one on one time between us, and all the things we used to do really that showed affection for each other when it was just us- only time now to take care of the baby- so it throws doubt into the mix, for me, about whether he still cares because all that stuff is gone now.

10/9/24

about two days ago, ate a really small, like 1/4 of a normal piece, slice of pizza made from wheat, and dairy. Skin still seems to be healing, so I wanted to see if there was any effect (and I really wanted to eat what everyone else was eating- it was an 8-cheese pizza that smelled so good). The next day it looked a bit worse, but the day after that, it seemed to get back on track, so maybe food does not affect it as much as I feared- like one piece of something is not enough to send me into a five month long downward spiral (and what was the thing that just sent me into a five month long inflammatory state)? 

this thought came to me during the day sometime around last week, and I’ve been visualizing it at night. It was that during sleep, these healing hands (that look like skeleton fingers) are beckoning and beckoning for me to lay down and settle down inside of them- almost like a baby cradle- during the night so that its life force can repair me.

10/10/24

Karen’s actually a nice name. 

10/11/24

Felt some really high points this week, like moments of kind of sheer bliss. They were all when I was alone at home and getting things done in a smooth, efficient manner, like tidying up/decorating, or just taking a break from chores and resting on the couch. I’m sure the one night I went to bed super early helped contribute to this (on Tuesday just went up to bed at like 7 pm- had to leave R by himself watching Hunter, but I had to, bc felt so bad that day physically). feet are still doing better than before, but not healed yet – still must wear bandages (which are actually Honeypot pantiliners stuck to the inside of my socks) in socks every day to contain weeping, though the weeping amount is less/lessening.

10/12/24

yesterday, I don’t know if this was a milestone or what. But I was changing clothes that night and when I pulled off my bra, a toy fell out. It was a flat disc that shoots out like a bullet for one of his Spider-Man toys, and I realized that if I hadn’t changed my bra, that that toy would’ve been just sitting in there for as long as I had the article on, and that it had been in there without me knowing it for like the whole day, because I remembered that afternoon Hunter shoving the disc into my armpit while I was trying to do something else, and I guess it fell in there and got stuck. But when it fell out, I was surprised that I didn’t even know it was there. Toys and stickers in his car seat, in the couch and under it, stuck in the washer and dryer, and now even coming out of my clothes. I also find coins and crayons and things in weird places I would never leave them – I think he’s starting to hide things and move them around the house like a little mischievous elf.

10/13/24

on Friday, visited Duffields Farm where they had a family fun night, and it was a real farm where I could smell animal smells, and there was hay and stuff, and early into the night I got an allergic rxn, feeling this lump on my lip rising, and it being there the whole time, and even when I went to sleep that night. But it wasn’t too bad- not like a whole body thing- and by the next day, it was gone. But I guess I’m still allergic to animals and stuff like that. I really want to one day get past all my allergies because it’s so uncomfortable being sensitive to everything. but I feel like it would be best with a doctor’s help, because I’m not sure how to do it. 

yesterday morning, R was working, and I was watching Hunter by myself and it was the usual rush of giving him food to eat and toys becoming scattered all around and dishes piling up and everything becoming hectic and I usually give him a dropper full of Mary Ruth’s omega-3 and then follow it up with the toddler multivitamin, and I thought I had grabbed the right bottles, but just after I gave him the omega-3, and was holding a full squeeze of the multivitamin dropper over his open mouth, I felt something weird in my chest, and also in my mind, which told me to hold back and look at what I was giving, and even though I had the chance to keep going and get things done and just squeeze the dropper and check one more thing off the list- which is something I really like to do- I listened to the weird feeling, I paused and pulled back and put the dropper back in without squeezing- knowing he might run off and I might not get the opportunity again for a while to give him his vitamins, which increases probability that I might forget altogether- and looked at the bottle. Kind of shocked to see (because out of the hundreds of times I’ve given him supplements since he was a baby, I’d never done this before) I had grabbed oil of oregano, and it would’ve been bad if I’d squeezed all that into his mouth. Felt relief at having caught myself, or gratefulness to some voice having caught me, before I made the mistake.

9/29/24

something that’s improved about sleep lately, though, is I noticed it taking me less time to fall asleep. Before, like last year, I was going to bed and lying awake for an hour, or even two. now, if I go to bed at 1 AM, I’m pretty sure I fall asleep within that hour. which is some improvement.

9/30/24

“you put more skin on my plate. Then I’ll feel happier and happier!”

-Hunter’s order to me while eating rotisserie chicken

10/1/24

baby being able to talk now is like the greatest thing. I keep imagining all the things he says is what he wanted to say when he was an infant and couldn’t talk, so everything cracks me up.

today by accident came up with what seems like the perfect healthy winter meal that I can put on repeat all the time. (gluten free, dairy free, egg free…) started with some way-too-spicy pulled bbq beef (leftovers from a restaurant), added some cooked og white rice, added chicken broth i happened to have started simmering this morning, then some og frozen vegs near the end. was still too spicy, so added big dollop of unflavored coconut yogurt, a little drizzle of pumpkin oil. what resulted was one of the best tasting things. All the flavor is coming from the barbecue beef: salty, meaty, umami, spicy and pretty sour, from the vinegar in its sauce. In its original form, the taste was so concentrated that it just needed to be stretched out with all these other ingredients. then also a bit creamy from the yogurt; I feel like I could eat this all the time. even with the yogurt, it was still too spicy while hot, but once it cooled down to warm, all aspects of the meal were perfect. nose running from all the spice, but it feels good – like seasonally appropriate food, because I’ve been so cold lately.

also just made the best tasting brownies, and all in the same pan. Got a glass baking pan, started with Simple Truth egg replacer (which is just chia seed and garbanzo beans), mixed with water, added melted coconut oil, added tigernut flour, a few tablespoons of maple sugar, a scoop of my chocolate protein collagen powder, a little macadamia milk to water it down, a little more flour, a little baking powder, mixed everything up in the pan itself.  Added tons of chocolate chunks at the end, like the volume of the chocolate chunks was almost equal to the volume of batter, and baked it at 350 F.

*

have been thinking about this just like three-second situation that happened the other day, when we were all in the kitchen and I had just leaned back into R who was holding me from behind, and it felt good to let him hug me and I wanted to stay there, but in front of me, I saw Hunter go up on his stepstool, and there seemed to be too much space between the stepstool and the counter, and without really any hesitation, I broke free of R’s embrace to move the stepstool closer to the counter and then stood there assessing that. what i was thinking is it’s a little sad that I have to choose sometimes. But I guess that’s what happens when you introduce a third person into a relationship. Like, I’m responsible for Hunter, so all my decisions are really going to be biased towards him from now on.  i’m responsible for his life and his safety. I know R does this with me, too, sometimes- like chooses to attend to Hunter rather than me- but it doesn’t seem nearly as much as I do it. I was just thinking and I guess also grieving who we used to be. How it used to be just the two of us, so that our choices weren’t as difficult.

10/2/24

had a dream this morning after waking up and going back to sleep: it was in the house, and I saw there was a half-eaten peeled banana in Hunter’s bedroom, just lying there on one of the beds, with gnats flying all around it, and I angrily went out to find R to let him know, because I knew it was he who left it there, and he cleaned it up, but got angry at me for being so angry about it, and then he stormed out of the house at which point I realized he really doesn’t do anything wrong usually, and is pretty perfect except for a few sporadic things here and there, and Hunter was saying “it’s not supposed to sound like this!” because we were yelling (but in real life, we don’t yell at each other). Then from inside, through the window I saw R speeding away in his car/truck to clear his head I guess, and I wished he would just stay home because I was afraid he would get in an accident and then I would have to leave the house- which I don’t like to do- to go to the scene and help. And then this other scene in which Zachary Quinto (I’ve been watching Brilliant Minds) and one of the interns start having sex, and it was in a public place like an auditorium, and I think I might’ve arrived at that place and realized that Zachary was R. And at the end of the dream, I realized R was having sex with someone else while still married to me. Which I was still trying to mentally/emotionally process as I woke up, and when I woke up and realized it all wasn’t happening, I was really glad. It felt like one of those nightmares where you dream the worst that can happen, because I also had dreams this morning of waking up late for work. Felt extra peaceful after I woke up though.  it felt like maybe a premonition dream – like what could happen if I don’t or can’t or won’t work through my anger.

10/3/24

tonight was the first time Hunter said to me “carry on.” I was reading him a book before bed and he kept pushing the talk button on his talking Iron Man doll to distract me while reading, and after he was tired of that, he looked back up at the book and waved his hand in the air, and flitting his fingers in the air, said “carry on!”

*

now we’ve both given away jackets that had negative memories attached to them: 

you: years ago now, your black leather one – you were wearing it the night we went out with friends and drank too much, and you said something about being able to bang two girls and still have some left for me, after which I walked out of the bar and into the cold street and the subway and then I came back and could not get physically close to you for the rest of the night, and at the next club we were at, finally allowed this one guy who had been hitting on me to take my hand, myself pretty drunk, and walk me away down the street towards his place I think, and we were actually having a nice conversation when I think you saw us, and got some Brazilian strangers to get me back and then you went up to him and i was scared you were gonna punch him, but you just threw your cup of water in his face and said, “that’s my wife!” you checked your jacket at that club, and forgot to take it home. when we were sober i reminded you it was there and you said something about bad memories with it anyway, and we never went back for it. 

me: the cranberry red winter jacket you got me some Christmases ago, which at first I loved, but now reminds me of when I went into the hospital in 2022, so sick with eczema herpeticum from 15 months of breast-feeding with no sleep, and wore it the entire visit shivering in the bed from chills and fever and virus and the jacket got a urine smell on it (from the obviously-not-cleaned-right bed- not from me) and now whenever I look at it, I can’t forget that smell, even though I hottest-water, pre-soaked, 5-rinsed, 2 hour washed it in the washer and highest-heat dried it when I got home and it went back to “normal.” Recently found my dream winter jacket (pastel rainbow colors) on Temu to replace it, so now i’m donating it. 

10/4/24

a luxury i never realized before, now that my feet are healing: taking off tight pants pain free, without having to finagle much around foot area anymore when stripping them off. It’s a luxury for these daily things to not be a physical struggle.

9/23/24

thought I had yesterday kind of between sleeping and waking: maybe I can grow older and younger just like the weather fluctuates between warm and cold. Maybe it doesn’t have to be linear.

around when I woke up this morning, I realized like, there still has to be magic in my life/I still have to be in touch with it. Even though a lot of baby-caring seems mundane and frustrating or boring, he’s also this kid with a new mind who is doing everything for the first time and sees the world as magical, and I feel like I can’t lose touch with that part of myself, for his sake.

had a lot of weird dreams these past few days. This morning woke up in the middle of dreaming that my dad was driving a taxi and we were in the back- I think it was me and Billy- and I was holding Billy’s hand, but then when I thought about it, I wasn’t sure if Billy was Hunter or himself. And then another day I just dreamt of a little tray of sushi that looked good to eat, and yesterday morning I dreamt that I was passing by Pete, one of my exes, and I think he was dressed all in a nice light blue, and I think he still single ? And before I passed him, I realized I had to go back home and get/do something, and for some reason I liked that I would be running right past him when I came out, and then I think alarm woke me up amid that one too.

 I think I should not stop the supplements- I know that they’re good for me even in a normal state, if I wasn’t breaking out. Like maybe they prevent worse situations and stuff like that. And I also think I should not stop trying to avoid wheat, dairy eggs (at least until i feel super good), because I know that stuff can trigger inflammation too. But the overall feeling of not knowing what is the root cause is unnerving, bc I feel like I always have to be ready and prepared to be overtaken by it without much choice or weapons that i can use to effectively defeat it. There’s the same/parallel feeling right now that I’m getting better: I look at my feet and of course I’m glad the pain is lessened and it looks better, but there’s also this underlying dread that I’m not in control. Like WHAT is making it better if I have not changed really anything that I’m doing? I don’t like feeling out of control, like my health is just at the whim of a force that I can’t even name or pinpoint. no matter what it is, something’s changed, and I’ve just passed through some kind of pivotal period, bc it’s been several days now that I’ve gone to bed and woken up and it’s seemed better than ever before. could it be the continued gratefulness practice and ocean visualization I still do before I go to sleep every night? Or maybe, as I mentioned before, the culmination of all the diet and supplement work I’ve done – finally producing some visible results after five months of it? 

*
I gave such little shit before, and now with my brain not working up to speed still, I give even less shit. I want people to make decisions for me that I don’t really care about. like everything that doesn’t really matter, you make the decision, because I don’t have the brain power.  I just want to decide about stuff that’s important to me, and the rest- all the rest-  I could care less. That’s what it feels like. like please just stop asking me things. feed me anything, as long as it’s in my diet and tastes good. Bring the baby back in one hour or two. just please take some mental load off of me. stop making me have to think. 

9/24/24

tonight, Hunter was correcting Rodrigo on words that he thinks R says wrong, like “buffet” and “I love you, too” – he was telling Rodrigo that he wasn’t saying it right lol. And then he was making him say it until he said it correctly, and they were laughing a lot. Then when he went to bed, I thought I had done everything- I changed him and I changed the bedsheets and rolled the air filter in- but the baby reminded me that I forgot to brush his teeth. he’s the smartest baby.

9/25/24

so annoying, always wondering if I’m pregnant. Have been craving things lately, like chocolate, and now duck. I feel maybe the cravings are because of the change to cooler weather, but there’s also always this underlying fear. I’m also a bit resentful that R doesn’t have to live with this fear. Like he doesn’t have to live with it month after month, so he doesn’t know what it’s like. 

we looked into a vasectomy and found out it’s like $500 – $1000, with insurance. he said we could just go to Brazil where they do it for free. But I know we’re not traveling anytime soon. We have condoms all around the house, but never use them. I just try to keep track of my cycle (which is not very accurate because not taking temp in the morning, bc my sleep is still irregular, due to skin issues > due to immune issues > due to lack of sleep). I think I actually would not have sex at all because I’ve been so stressed since the baby’s come, but I know sex really de-stresses R, so I do it, and always end up getting into it eventually, but he is the reason i stay and do it and don’t just walk right upstairs these past years- i don’t do it for myself. i’m always just trying to go to bed early, always trying to make sleep my first priority. Since the baby, sleep- regular sleep, normal healthy sleep- is what I want most of all, more than sex, more than anything. afterwards, I always do feel good, and closer to him. but in the beginning, when he’s initiating, I have these disturbing thoughts like “if I was single, I would get more sleep.” I know if I could just get normal sleep back though, that would change everything.  like with my desire and my attitude toward sex and everything. if I could just get sleep. but with the baby frequently needing me to be around during his bedtime, which he sometimes stretches out into the 10 – 11 PM hour, and then go upstairs where I still self-soothe my damaged feet for about two hours, i’m not getting enough. If I could just drop off the self-soothing and sleep when I get in bed, it would really help. but my feet aren’t healed to that point yet.

9/26/24

lately, like past two days, I have been feeling better during the day with feet. Like things are less sticky so when I’m taking steps and my socks/bandage moves, it’s more dry and sliding around than a disgusting sticking feeling. I’m really glad for this change, that it’s getting more comfortable now.  but again, worried about just not being able to control why this is happening. Wondering if anything I’m doing is making any difference, or if my skin is just on like this timetable which I have no access to even knowing when it will be good or bad, and I just have to roll with its punches for the rest of my life instead of being able to alter its course. I want the power to alter my course.

9/27/24

so something happened last Monday. And baby definitely wasn’t home (i never could or would have screamed like that with him there). R pretty innocently was trying to make some kind of budget for us, so we could see how much we were spending on things, so we could try to save money. he was making out a written list which he divided into two columns (me/him) and asking me to recall stuff I paid for monthly that’s for the house and for baby, and he was writing down what he paid for too in that regard. it came out that we both thought we were paying more than the other one and we had to stop in the middle because I had work to do – it was the middle of a workday – but during his questioning, as I was simultaneously trying to type for work, I started feeling anger and defensiveness stiffen me up inside, but couldn’t express it in the moment – too much going on. He then had to leave for work, he kissed me on the head and left, and after he left and I was alone in the house, I got violently angry. I went outside and for the longest time was trying to open this heavy ladder, so I could climb up to re-tie a corner of hunter’s birthday banner that had gotten loose, and I just could not get the ladder open and I yelled once or twice and finally just threw the ladder down and it clanged really satisfyingly loud on the ground. One positive outcome of all this was that my anger and adrenaline made me super productive, and in like the span of an hour, I did laundry and cleaned up and a bunch of other stuff I had been putting off, but it was all like kind of in a blind rage, and I was shaking and so frustrated at everything and I finally just, from the middlemost part inside the house, backed into a corner and sank down and let out the most throaty, guttural, deep from inside scream. It wasn’t a high scream; it was one that shook from the core and vibrated out throughout my whole body, and contained all tones it seemed: bass, baritone and shrill all at the same time. I did it just two or three times, but it felt so cathartic while I was doing it that I could’ve gone on for another hour just screaming like that and crying myself into exhaustion, but all the windows were open because it was nice out, and I didn’t want our neighbors, whose house is pretty close to ours, to think I was crazy or anything, and I also had too much to do still, so I just stopped. But I have never felt so angry- the last time I felt that angry must’ve been in the middle of breast-feeding, right before I got really sick and got hospitalized. this whole physical reaction actually surprised me while it was happening, and for a while afterwards, I kept trying to pinpoint what was the matter. I had to think and think, and still it didn’t come to me until I was actually speaking words out loud while conversing with R later that it finally started to take shape, and I was able to describe it. The list of who pays what felt like R bringing up all the baggage that I was trying to put behind me. Like he was asking me to keep score, and I was not even trying to keep any score at all. In reality, I know he was just trying to figure out a budget for us currently. But I felt the underlying question he was asking was along the lines of, “what have you contributed to this family? Have you contributed anything at all?” and that question kind of blew me up inside.

we did talk and make up since then, and I tried to explain myself and my anger, and acknowledged that he was just trying to help our finances, and he admitted he could’ve gone about it a better way. in the end, I ended up saying like “I just didn’t think this would be so hard…I thought I could do it and not lose anything- that I would stay the same as I always was…But you can’t ever go back, and nothing is ever the same. I just…thought I wouldn’t lose anything, but… I guess everyone loses something..,Like it’s not realistic to think that you won’t lose anything after going through something so life-changing…” And immediately as I started crying in the middle of it he reached out and held me, and we held each other, and that was that.

9/15/24

just realized it might have just been the berries. last night ate several again, when i was hungry, and later felt a little sick, again. (blackberries)

when I reach out to my hand and he takes it all the time now, I keep thinking how there’s coming a time so soon that he won’t want to hold my hand anymore, when he’s older, and becoming a man. his chubby hand is so warm and soft. 

was changing him just now, 7:30 at night after he’d been asleep for about a half hour, and during the changing he woke up laughing and looked around the room, and just kept laughing while I changed him, and after I was done changing him, he rolled to his side and fell back asleep. it made me happy because I thought maybe because he’s laughing during his subconscious time, it means he’s really happy.

9/16/24

it’s weird how the condition of my feet can kind of change daily, like it doesn’t take a long time for it to go from good to bad or from bad to good. last night, feet were amazingly not bad. Amazingly because just the night before they didn’t look too good, and then, even that same morning, there was some weeping. but when I took off socks at end of day, things were pretty flat, and it did seem a big improvement from when I last saw them. haven’t been doing much different –  have even been eating more sugar lately in the form of Sweet Loren’s cookies, a clean brand I found which taste so good, for the past like whole week or more. The only things I can think of are: 1. I took showers closer together, like only a day or two apart? But I’m sure I’ve done this before and have not seen such an improvement. 2. I had a nice pillow talk with R in which I explained kind of in detail the pain I have with my skin, letting him know my nightly routine like if I don’t itch before bed, I wake up in the middle of the night and itch then, which is worse, etc., and maybe getting that off my chest helped me physically. 3. maybe the topical skin probiotic starting to kick in? it’s been like 60 days now. 

other than these things, I haven’t been trying any new supplements or anything different that would improve it. Have started jumping on the big trampoline in our backyard, but only like 3x so far, and the last two times were like only five minutes each. maybe it’s the weather getting cooler? And the pollen/environment changing because of that, that is somehow better for my skin? I also suspected mold from our air conditioners, but we just used them like two days ago, so if it was that, wouldn’t I not be getting better now? So maybe it’s NOT that? Finally, it could just be a one-day fluke, and tonight maybe just getting back to the old badness? I don’t know, I guess we’ll see. but I’m kind of glad I’ve been eating cookies and it’s still improved, bc i love those cookies. like if my skin had gotten bad during this cookie-eating time, I would’ve blamed it on that, but now I feel free to eat them, in as much moderation as I can. though again, unsure of everything because it was just one time. need to wait more days to see if there’s any pattern.

9/17/24

yes, Baby does things that are really cute, all the time. But the general feeling for me that encompasses all of this- and by “all of this” i mean from birth onward- is just this like, sadness. Sadness of having lost so much and been in physical pain so much. And then this happiness that can’t compare to anything when I’m with him- when he’s holding my hand or hugging me or saying he loves me or just watching the circus show of his absurd behavior. It’s just maybe the greatest sadness and the greatest happiness at the same time- parenthood- for me.

9/18/24

Hunter did this a few times yesterday to me. while we were playing/interacting, he would stop and be like, “mama. Let me tell you something.” Then a dramatic pause, then he’d say, “you are so beautiful!” It made me laugh with surprise and delight every time, and also a little made me wanna cry, because of how not beautiful I’ve felt for the last three years.

he’s also started saying, “I love you” to me out of the blue, many times a day, randomly it seems. He’ll even do it when R is there but not say it to R. not sure if I should ask Baby to tell R the same thing, or if it’s better not to. like I would feel left out if Baby told R that and not me, but then I would also feel bad if R had to ask him to do it and he didn’t feel any initiative to say it on his own (does he even mean it then?). I’m not sure which is worse. I guess I would want R to address it and ask Baby if he loves me too, just so I know at least one person is “for” me/thinking of me.

9/22/24

last night after shower felt most put together i have in a long time. meaning i didn’t feel like I was falling apart via my skin (the water magnifies bad feeling of any open wounds) and I just felt more closed up and intact. haven’t cleaned the bathtub in almost 5 months because I’ve been hurting so much, but I feel like if it keeps going this way, the next time I take a shower I could stand being in there and scrubbing the tub clean, and not have this urgency to get out as soon as possible. In the last few days, I’ve even had no-no foods. Not bites of the pure form of them, but stuff that contained them, like there was this Cappello’s ravioli I served Hunter that looked so good that had real cream and cheese in it, that I ate, and bites of cheese bread here and there. I think 50% I’m doing it to test how much “problem” food affects me when it seems I’m on an upward improving streak (because I think that could tell me something about root cause) and 50% because I just really miss the food and want to eat it.

Have also been slacking w supplements- sometimes I just feel so tired that I just take them one time a day instead of the recommended 2x a day. (again, I think 50% because I’m getting lazy and tired with them, and 50% because I want to see if it actually has any effect on my skin if I slack off while I’m on a skin improving streak. like can I take half as much as I’m taking now and my skin still gets better? that would save me money in the future – I wouldn’t have to buy expensive supplements as frequently. or do food and supplements not even matter, and all that really impacts me is the environment/weather, which means I would have to move to another location to be comfortable all year long?) it’s confusing, because I think supplements helped me – when I went to see the functional medicine doctor and he put me on them, my skin improved after a little while on them. And also when he had me do food elimination, I did definitely seem to react to dairy and egg. But why now, then, am I not doing anything different (still sticking to the diet with a few more frequent mess ups, and taking the same supplements, and even less of them) and my skin is getting better? Doesn’t that mean there’s some outside factor that makes an even bigger difference? What is that factor? Or, could this be just finally the culmination of all my hard work trying to stick to the diet and the supplements and everything? I’m sure they haven’t hurt.

9/7/24

hands/fingers a little better

today rethinking that i may not be pregnant: this morning felt a little familiar twinge in womb that usually accompanies period- which by itself may not mean much, but also in the afternoon, almost late to pick up the bday cake getting stressed trying to make travel plans to the bakery before they closed, got PMS (i get an angry urgent feeling that suddenly overcomes me physically), so that made me think i’m not pregnant (i would only get pms if my period about to start, right?), so won’t waste $ on buying a test. 

20% disappointed and 80% relieved. I’d really rather it be that I’m not pregnant and my skin is getting better, because then there’s more of a chance  whatever  situation is making it better is something I can sustainably replicate. (Like I can’t and won’t keep getting pregnant just to make my skin get better.)

9/8/24

it was a beautiful, perfect birthday party day, especially weatherwise. I did get overly ambitious I realized and overplanned, but it wasn’t too bad and now I know my party planning boundaries more. I can adjust and eventually find that sweet spot in the future.

9/9/24

Got it. This morning. 

9/11/24

The other day in the house I got hot, so took off my shirt and was walking by Hunter in a sports bra and pants when he said, “my favorite mama!” And I paused and asked, “what’s your favorite Mama?” And he confidently declared, “no shirt mama!” I think he was eyeing my belly again lol. we told him he used to live in my belly and he went through a phase where he would curl up under my shirt pretending he was a baby still in there. he’s now stopped doing it, but I noticed he still smiles when he sees my belly and likes to lay his head there.

9/12/24

whoever cleans the shit from your butt. That’s how you can tell who the real mom/dad is. (everyone wants to play and have fun, but… you can only get the full experience if you do the dirty work.)

9/2/24

Hunter said this when he saw my belly, while we were playing on the couch: “whoa, that’s something else! Let me squeeze on it.”

9/3/24

Yesterday, i couldn’t find the word to describe something and my still technically TWO YEAR OLD supplied it for me. It was just he and i talking, so there were no witnesses, but when he did it, my heart like stopped a little. it just showed me how by leaps and bounds he’s grown. i was talking and paused and was like, “what’s the word…”, drawing a blank. And he suggested, “spinning?” it was a verb like that. But when he said it, it was exactly the word I couldn’t remember. 

9/5/24

skin has been seeming a little better last couple of days, but now I’m afraid it’s because I’m pregnant. Period isn’t late yet (due in a few days), but yesterday I felt nauseated after I ate some berries in the morning, and I don’t know why that would happen because I don’t usually feel that. I asked R to get me pregnancy test if he happens to be in a CVS. 

this week, R has been dropping off Baby at Granny’s every morning and picking him up every afternoon, instead of us just leaving him there for the whole week. it was going pretty good I think, until around 6:45 this morning heard a blood-curdling scream of “I don’t want to I don’t want to I don’t want to!!” i looked outside a little bit later, thinking I would see R putting a kicking, screaming baby into his truck, but what I saw was him holding Hunter in his arms, gently rocking him and stroking the back of his head with his hand over and over. It went on like this until I guess he was calm, then I heard them drive away. It made my heart feel at peace when I realized that R is never gonna force my baby. Our baby. 

have not gotten any pregnancy test yet, but have been in my mind going over pros and cons of it:

1. money. I realized that if I don’t have enough money to not work/afford round the clock care, I can’t go through the whole breast-feeding thing again, because it was torture not sleeping, and I don’t think I should knowingly put myself through torture, now that I know how it is.  it could be another two years of not sleeping, if I had to work as is and had another baby.

2. I didn’t save Hunter’s old baby clothes and shoes and stuff – I gave them away when he grew out of them because I didn’t think we would have another. So that seems wasteful now, not using secondhand if we had another baby. 

I think those are basically all the cons, though. If I could afford tons of help, i could care for another one pretty sanely I think. And it would be nice for Hunter to have a brother or sister, I think it would be really nice. But in our financial state, not realistic, I think. 

*

getting more and more freaked out: this morning felt around my neck and chest laying in bed in the morning and I felt a little hotter than usual, or was it just from being paranoid that I might be pregnant? But I know your body temperature gets elevated and stays there when you are… and again, every time I look at the trouble spots on my skin that are looking better, of course I’m glad they’re not hurting as much, but I’m still freaking out that the reason why might be because I’m pregnant, which is a whole other kind of mess. I had these crazy thoughts that like, maybe if I am, this pregnancy will reset my skin to a good baseline (in the past, i’ve experienced this) and then I can keep up the diet and supplements and other good stuff and somehow prevent skin badness from ever happening again? But I don’t know. staying pregnant just for that reason? That’s like… making a life-changing decision just so… I can be temporarily physically comfortable again. like that’s not logical, right?

on another note, getting ready for Hunter’s birthday party this weekend, and it’s making me happy, I like planning parties I think, if I have enough time beforehand. have been planning this one for over a month.

8/27/24

Last night while not doing anything really at that moment (but was by my bed, where he first asked me the question), the thought just occurred to me about R: i might be able to find someone richer, but I don’t think I could find anyone better.

8/28/24

have been basking in the quiet of being by myself in the house early this morning and into the day, when this afternoon, just this wave of thankfulness came over me regarding how grateful I am to have my job. (and my parents to watch baby during the week.) That I can spend most days home to recharge and center when I need to. I’m so thankful for my job and all that it affords me, even though I don’t make like 100K a year or anything, I feel really blessed still. Although I do need money, I also equally need the quiet and alone time to feel like myself.

did a kind of past present future reading, the question on my heart was about health. 

8/29/24

“The true spectrum of colors in a rainbow is so vast (up to one million different colors) that we don’t have the language to describe it. If we could see the world in all her radiance, it would leave us speechless.”

– Uju Asika

*

today R texted me, “I just played the mega million and powerball, maybe we’ll be rich by Saturday” and i knew he was half joking but in my head my first response was, “it doesn’t matter – i love you and i’m gonna stay forever with you whether we win or not” but that felt too heavy/wordy to text so i just replied, “lol thanks amor”

8/31/24

last night putting baby to sleep, he asked me to tell him a story about “a watermelon that rolls into a vending machine, that has no arms, no legs, and no mouth, but can still talk”

“watch me! i’m a silly boy” – Hunter emphatically just now playing with toy blender

9/1/24

had a pretty painful day today, it hurt every time I started to sweat even a little (we were out and about in the truck, which the AC is broken in it. but the van just started smoking when driven so we couldn’t take that). Skin is pretty bad (mouth area and feet, and also for the past few weeks, on a few fingers so that I touch things weird because I hold out the bad fingers, and try to avoid getting those spots wet cause water hurts it, so i wash my hands weird too, holding away the bad fingers and washing only the good fingers).

8/18/24

it was a beautiful anniversary day. We woke up with baby between us in the bed, we went to a seafood festival together which we were surprised to find out was held at a horse racing stadium?, then near end of day, dropped Baby off at Granny’s and had a nice date at Cross Culture Indian restaurant in Haddonfield- R said it was the best bread ever (garlic naan), i liked everything and was really hungry and also realized as we sat down that we went to an Indian restaurant kind of like this for our first date. Then went to drop off his truck for AC repair and went to Walmart together to get water and some other stuff and were both so tired but made nice love before going to bed. skin felt and looked pretty bad the first half of the day, especially during the hottest point at the festival when I started sweating in the sun and getting really irritated and uncomfortable. But by the end of the day, things had calmed down.

8/21/24

for like the past 5+ nights in a row, last thing i think of while falling asleep is imagining how it would feel being barefoot on the beach. i see myself walking, feel on my footsoles the cool damp hardness of the sand that’s right where the waves come up, i imagine wading in and floating faceup in the water, buoyed by the salt and waves and air and light and God, and most of all, i picture doing all of this with nothing hurting at all – how it might feel if i were completely whole. summer feels over now though – it’s been getting down to like 55 degrees these past nights. maybe next year…

for our anniversary, mom got us a whole chocolate cake from Whole Foods that said happy anniversary on it. I couldn’t eat it because it was not gluten-free (or dairy free either probably), so there’s this big box of delicious cake sitting in front of my face every time I open the fridge, and only R can eat it. a few times I really wanted to eat it, but I haven’t. and I’m not going to. Even though it’s not severe (only severe on my feet and neck), I have rashes all over my body, and I’m not gonna risk making them worse just for a few moments’ pleasure. 

8/9/24

i feel like 63% of this phase is tricking baby into doing things that are good for him. eat. sleep. drink water. brush your teeth.

8/11/24

last night I was so tired that when I finally got to lay down and thought of the ocean, I don’t even remember thinking about it for more than two seconds before I fell asleep. 

have been asking myself this seriously: “What if I stopped blaming R for everything? If in my deepest heart believed that we are in this together. What would change?” He said something to me recently that made me realize that his love is just as pure as when we first met. He asked me if I thought I could find someone who was better for me – and not at all sarcastically- he asked quietly, sincerely. He said that just because he told me he loves me and wants to be with me forever, I shouldn’t feel pressured to stay with him. While in my mind, I’d twisted it all up somehow to view him as a complication or an obstacle. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism for the pain, maybe it’s a crutch I use without thinking, I don’t know, but I feel…ashamed, like an imposter. Fickle. I feel that his love is truer and more steadfast than mine. Baby woke up scream-crying in the middle of us talking so we didn’t get to finish. But I realized…i’m lucky to have someone so open, flexible, sharp and perceptive, loving. What he said broke me and I realized how i was acting towards him was wrong. It was wrong of me.

8/13/24

from Hunter’s birth until now, three years later, summed up in one saying:

“I have to do… what?”

8/14/24

The Defensin probiotic spray I’m using to heal my feet, it has a 90 day moneyback guarantee, so today I set a reminder in my phone to email them in October if my skin isn’t healed by then, because that’s when it will have been 90 days.  when I went to bed tonight, realized that doing this made me feel better; now I have a sort of timeline where the end result will be either I’ll get my money back (it was about $130) or my feet will be healed, which of course I’m hoping for the latter. But I felt better just having this sense of direction now, as opposed to just every day not knowing if it will be like this forever. if it doesn’t work by then, at least I can move on to try something else at that point.

8/6/24

One of my first thoughts when I woke up this morning, laying in bed, was this saying I had taped to my wall in my childhood room growing up, I don’t know where I got it- cut out of a magazine or something: “The healer must be healthy, healed: the healer must have died and come back.” (not exact quote but basic idea) but it surprised me, because it just came to me and I haven’t seen it for a long time. 

8/7/24

I don’t take my slippers off a lot, but just did, and the place where I randomly stepped just ONE slipperless step, when I lifted in my foot, a sticker came up with it, stuck to the bottom of my sock. The other day, I found one inside my purse when I opened i, just stuck to the inside lining of my purse. just stickers everywhere. 

8/8/24

sometimes I think all the trouble in my life stems solely from thinking I have to do something a certain way, and not making up my own way.

so ever since about late Mon/Tuesday – and today is Thursday- my face and neck skin have been hurting and just irritated and itchy, rashy. i’m pretty sure it’s from the dairy I had on Sunday. I’m always trying to keep to the diet, but I woke up from a nap on Sunday and was just so hungry and thirsty at the same time and upon walking into the living room, saw this beautiful cold strawberry smoothie that R had gotten for me from Wawa just sitting there for me. I saw on the ticket it had yogurt and whipped cream (he tries to help with my diet too, but sometimes forgets), but it was right there in front of me, and I was drowsy from just waking up and didn’t wanna do so much work to make other stuff that wouldn’t even compare to how that tasted, so I drank it all up. in the back of my mind, to justify it, I told myself it could be an experiment. a re-confirmation of my dairy sensitivity, just to make sure. (confirmed- neck’s been painful.) so today, my face was hurting pretty bad. I went on Instagram at one point and saw a pretty impressive ad (ppl’s before and after shots) from this company called Neously for these tumeric facial pads. didn’t want to buy more stuff, so blew up the ingredients list and could hardly make out the words, but I think I got the basic idea down. I had turmeric spice in the kitchen, so started with that – dumped through a funnel into a newly-finished bottle of rosemary hydrosol, added the rest of Mary Ruth’s vitamin C toddler supplement i had leftover (like 1/4 bottle), water, some ACV, a bit of my bakuchiol serum plus some moringa oil, shook it all up, applied it to an organic cotton cloth pad, and then rubbed this solution carefully over my face. Had a hardly-noticeable tingly feeling afterwards and I love the smell of turmeric, and the whole feeling was pleasant after this. and amazingly, my face felt so much better, like immediately afterwards. I actually said “thanks, Instagram!” out loud incredulously to the mirror lol.  such a big difference: it felt moisturized and actually didn’t hurt anymore. One moment, the pain had me struggling to go on with my day, and the next, I felt almost normal again.

feet still bad so that i have to wear bandages under socks every day, but maybe a smidge not as bad as the past three months. But I started doing something a little different last night after I had soothed my feet: instead of going right to bed after, I intentionally took a few minutes to acknowledge that the worst part is just isolated on the top of my feet, and with my hands i squeezed and glided over every other part of my body that isn’t bad, that doesn’t hurt- from the bottom of my feet and ankles, to my legs, butt, back, chest, (can’t touch neck), arms (have it on two fingers and a bit on inner elbows but not too bad) but all the way up to the top of my head, I wanted to be grateful for everything that was good, and didn’t want to end every night on the relatively small percentage of my body that was “bad.” I think this will help me mentally if I continue. Also, I’m going to start to meditate on/dream of being in the ocean every night. Maybe if I do it enough, i’ll heal and get to go in before the summer’s over. Though it feels like it’s already over – got down into the 70’s this past week, with lots of wind and rain.