the scream

9/23/24

thought I had yesterday kind of between sleeping and waking: maybe I can grow older and younger just like the weather fluctuates between warm and cold. Maybe it doesn’t have to be linear.

around when I woke up this morning, I realized like, there still has to be magic in my life/I still have to be in touch with it. Even though a lot of baby-caring seems mundane and frustrating or boring, he’s also this kid with a new mind who is doing everything for the first time and sees the world as magical, and I feel like I can’t lose touch with that part of myself, for his sake.

had a lot of weird dreams these past few days. This morning woke up in the middle of dreaming that my dad was driving a taxi and we were in the back- I think it was me and Billy- and I was holding Billy’s hand, but then when I thought about it, I wasn’t sure if Billy was Hunter or himself. And then another day I just dreamt of a little tray of sushi that looked good to eat, and yesterday morning I dreamt that I was passing by Pete, one of my exes, and I think he was dressed all in a nice light blue, and I think he still single ? And before I passed him, I realized I had to go back home and get/do something, and for some reason I liked that I would be running right past him when I came out, and then I think alarm woke me up amid that one too.

 I think I should not stop the supplements- I know that they’re good for me even in a normal state, if I wasn’t breaking out. Like maybe they prevent worse situations and stuff like that. And I also think I should not stop trying to avoid wheat, dairy eggs (at least until i feel super good), because I know that stuff can trigger inflammation too. But the overall feeling of not knowing what is the root cause is unnerving, bc I feel like I always have to be ready and prepared to be overtaken by it without much choice or weapons that i can use to effectively defeat it. There’s the same/parallel feeling right now that I’m getting better: I look at my feet and of course I’m glad the pain is lessened and it looks better, but there’s also this underlying dread that I’m not in control. Like WHAT is making it better if I have not changed really anything that I’m doing? I don’t like feeling out of control, like my health is just at the whim of a force that I can’t even name or pinpoint. no matter what it is, something’s changed, and I’ve just passed through some kind of pivotal period, bc it’s been several days now that I’ve gone to bed and woken up and it’s seemed better than ever before. could it be the continued gratefulness practice and ocean visualization I still do before I go to sleep every night? Or maybe, as I mentioned before, the culmination of all the diet and supplement work I’ve done – finally producing some visible results after five months of it? 

*
I gave such little shit before, and now with my brain not working up to speed still, I give even less shit. I want people to make decisions for me that I don’t really care about. like everything that doesn’t really matter, you make the decision, because I don’t have the brain power.  I just want to decide about stuff that’s important to me, and the rest- all the rest-  I could care less. That’s what it feels like. like please just stop asking me things. feed me anything, as long as it’s in my diet and tastes good. Bring the baby back in one hour or two. just please take some mental load off of me. stop making me have to think. 

9/24/24

tonight, Hunter was correcting Rodrigo on words that he thinks R says wrong, like “buffet” and “I love you, too” – he was telling Rodrigo that he wasn’t saying it right lol. And then he was making him say it until he said it correctly, and they were laughing a lot. Then when he went to bed, I thought I had done everything- I changed him and I changed the bedsheets and rolled the air filter in- but the baby reminded me that I forgot to brush his teeth. he’s the smartest baby.

9/25/24

so annoying, always wondering if I’m pregnant. Have been craving things lately, like chocolate, and now duck. I feel maybe the cravings are because of the change to cooler weather, but there’s also always this underlying fear. I’m also a bit resentful that R doesn’t have to live with this fear. Like he doesn’t have to live with it month after month, so he doesn’t know what it’s like. 

we looked into a vasectomy and found out it’s like $500 – $1000, with insurance. he said we could just go to Brazil where they do it for free. But I know we’re not traveling anytime soon. We have condoms all around the house, but never use them. I just try to keep track of my cycle (which is not very accurate because not taking temp in the morning, bc my sleep is still irregular, due to skin issues > due to immune issues > due to lack of sleep). I think I actually would not have sex at all because I’ve been so stressed since the baby’s come, but I know sex really de-stresses R, so I do it, and always end up getting into it eventually, but he is the reason i stay and do it and don’t just walk right upstairs these past years- i don’t do it for myself. i’m always just trying to go to bed early, always trying to make sleep my first priority. Since the baby, sleep- regular sleep, normal healthy sleep- is what I want most of all, more than sex, more than anything. afterwards, I always do feel good, and closer to him. but in the beginning, when he’s initiating, I have these disturbing thoughts like “if I was single, I would get more sleep.” I know if I could just get normal sleep back though, that would change everything.  like with my desire and my attitude toward sex and everything. if I could just get sleep. but with the baby frequently needing me to be around during his bedtime, which he sometimes stretches out into the 10 – 11 PM hour, and then go upstairs where I still self-soothe my damaged feet for about two hours, i’m not getting enough. If I could just drop off the self-soothing and sleep when I get in bed, it would really help. but my feet aren’t healed to that point yet.

9/26/24

lately, like past two days, I have been feeling better during the day with feet. Like things are less sticky so when I’m taking steps and my socks/bandage moves, it’s more dry and sliding around than a disgusting sticking feeling. I’m really glad for this change, that it’s getting more comfortable now.  but again, worried about just not being able to control why this is happening. Wondering if anything I’m doing is making any difference, or if my skin is just on like this timetable which I have no access to even knowing when it will be good or bad, and I just have to roll with its punches for the rest of my life instead of being able to alter its course. I want the power to alter my course.

9/27/24

so something happened last Monday. And baby definitely wasn’t home (i never could or would have screamed like that with him there). R pretty innocently was trying to make some kind of budget for us, so we could see how much we were spending on things, so we could try to save money. he was making out a written list which he divided into two columns (me/him) and asking me to recall stuff I paid for monthly that’s for the house and for baby, and he was writing down what he paid for too in that regard. it came out that we both thought we were paying more than the other one and we had to stop in the middle because I had work to do – it was the middle of a workday – but during his questioning, as I was simultaneously trying to type for work, I started feeling anger and defensiveness stiffen me up inside, but couldn’t express it in the moment – too much going on. He then had to leave for work, he kissed me on the head and left, and after he left and I was alone in the house, I got violently angry. I went outside and for the longest time was trying to open this heavy ladder, so I could climb up to re-tie a corner of hunter’s birthday banner that had gotten loose, and I just could not get the ladder open and I yelled once or twice and finally just threw the ladder down and it clanged really satisfyingly loud on the ground. One positive outcome of all this was that my anger and adrenaline made me super productive, and in like the span of an hour, I did laundry and cleaned up and a bunch of other stuff I had been putting off, but it was all like kind of in a blind rage, and I was shaking and so frustrated at everything and I finally just, from the middlemost part inside the house, backed into a corner and sank down and let out the most throaty, guttural, deep from inside scream. It wasn’t a high scream; it was one that shook from the core and vibrated out throughout my whole body, and contained all tones it seemed: bass, baritone and shrill all at the same time. I did it just two or three times, but it felt so cathartic while I was doing it that I could’ve gone on for another hour just screaming like that and crying myself into exhaustion, but all the windows were open because it was nice out, and I didn’t want our neighbors, whose house is pretty close to ours, to think I was crazy or anything, and I also had too much to do still, so I just stopped. But I have never felt so angry- the last time I felt that angry must’ve been in the middle of breast-feeding, right before I got really sick and got hospitalized. this whole physical reaction actually surprised me while it was happening, and for a while afterwards, I kept trying to pinpoint what was the matter. I had to think and think, and still it didn’t come to me until I was actually speaking words out loud while conversing with R later that it finally started to take shape, and I was able to describe it. The list of who pays what felt like R bringing up all the baggage that I was trying to put behind me. Like he was asking me to keep score, and I was not even trying to keep any score at all. In reality, I know he was just trying to figure out a budget for us currently. But I felt the underlying question he was asking was along the lines of, “what have you contributed to this family? Have you contributed anything at all?” and that question kind of blew me up inside.

we did talk and make up since then, and I tried to explain myself and my anger, and acknowledged that he was just trying to help our finances, and he admitted he could’ve gone about it a better way. in the end, I ended up saying like “I just didn’t think this would be so hard…I thought I could do it and not lose anything- that I would stay the same as I always was…But you can’t ever go back, and nothing is ever the same. I just…thought I wouldn’t lose anything, but… I guess everyone loses something..,Like it’s not realistic to think that you won’t lose anything after going through something so life-changing…” And immediately as I started crying in the middle of it he reached out and held me, and we held each other, and that was that.