9/2/24
Hunter said this when he saw my belly, while we were playing on the couch: “whoa, that’s something else! Let me squeeze on it.”
9/3/24
Yesterday, i couldn’t find the word to describe something and my still technically TWO YEAR OLD supplied it for me. It was just he and i talking, so there were no witnesses, but when he did it, my heart like stopped a little. it just showed me how by leaps and bounds he’s grown. i was talking and paused and was like, “what’s the word…”, drawing a blank. And he suggested, “spinning?” it was a verb like that. But when he said it, it was exactly the word I couldn’t remember.
9/5/24
skin has been seeming a little better last couple of days, but now I’m afraid it’s because I’m pregnant. Period isn’t late yet (due in a few days), but yesterday I felt nauseated after I ate some berries in the morning, and I don’t know why that would happen because I don’t usually feel that. I asked R to get me pregnancy test if he happens to be in a CVS.
this week, R has been dropping off Baby at Granny’s every morning and picking him up every afternoon, instead of us just leaving him there for the whole week. it was going pretty good I think, until around 6:45 this morning heard a blood-curdling scream of “I don’t want to I don’t want to I don’t want to!!” i looked outside a little bit later, thinking I would see R putting a kicking, screaming baby into his truck, but what I saw was him holding Hunter in his arms, gently rocking him and stroking the back of his head with his hand over and over. It went on like this until I guess he was calm, then I heard them drive away. It made my heart feel at peace when I realized that R is never gonna force my baby. Our baby.
have not gotten any pregnancy test yet, but have been in my mind going over pros and cons of it:
1. money. I realized that if I don’t have enough money to not work/afford round the clock care, I can’t go through the whole breast-feeding thing again, because it was torture not sleeping, and I don’t think I should knowingly put myself through torture, now that I know how it is. it could be another two years of not sleeping, if I had to work as is and had another baby.
2. I didn’t save Hunter’s old baby clothes and shoes and stuff – I gave them away when he grew out of them because I didn’t think we would have another. So that seems wasteful now, not using secondhand if we had another baby.
I think those are basically all the cons, though. If I could afford tons of help, i could care for another one pretty sanely I think. And it would be nice for Hunter to have a brother or sister, I think it would be really nice. But in our financial state, not realistic, I think.
*
getting more and more freaked out: this morning felt around my neck and chest laying in bed in the morning and I felt a little hotter than usual, or was it just from being paranoid that I might be pregnant? But I know your body temperature gets elevated and stays there when you are… and again, every time I look at the trouble spots on my skin that are looking better, of course I’m glad they’re not hurting as much, but I’m still freaking out that the reason why might be because I’m pregnant, which is a whole other kind of mess. I had these crazy thoughts that like, maybe if I am, this pregnancy will reset my skin to a good baseline (in the past, i’ve experienced this) and then I can keep up the diet and supplements and other good stuff and somehow prevent skin badness from ever happening again? But I don’t know. staying pregnant just for that reason? That’s like… making a life-changing decision just so… I can be temporarily physically comfortable again. like that’s not logical, right?
on another note, getting ready for Hunter’s birthday party this weekend, and it’s making me happy, I like planning parties I think, if I have enough time beforehand. have been planning this one for over a month.
Marriage Journal 