10/30/23

The mold inspector guy just left, he was really nice. He has a two year old and a six year old, and I gave him Halloween candy for them when he left. He said there is mold in the AC unit, but it’s not super serious like black mold, he said it’s just the beginning stages of some aspergillus or something. He left me with some thymol disinfectant spray, and said his boss would send me an estimate, but in the meantime, I could use the spray and discuss with R if we wanted to try to clean it ourselves.  He said if they did it, they would take out the whole unit and clean it, and also check in the drywall for mold, before reinstalling. Maybe this is something R could do, if the estimate is too much. Right now he and his dad are knocking down our sunroom to build a bathroom there, so I wouldn’t put it past him.

I noticed that right after I finish a run, when I am midcycle and having egg white, the running makes it all come out. Like today, after I ran around the track two times, I felt a big splash in my undies. hopefully it’s making the toxins come out too. *11/3- haven’t missed a day running, for the past like two weeks

11/1/23

temperature has dropped dramatically, there was a freezing warning I saw on the weather icon last night on laptop. But it’s sunny. Today, a gust of wind blew and what seemed like 1000 leaves blew off the trees in the backyard, and it made me hold my breath while they all fell, it was so beautiful.

Today was one of the hardest days I’ve ever had- I don’t know why, cause i didn’t have to do anything extraordinary- i was just at home as usual. First, it was really hard to get up because of the cold in the morning- I was under three covers and shivering in the fetal position, but eventually I made myself, around 10. Then things were all right until I moved too clumsily in the kitchen and knocked a glass lid off of a pan and it shattered on the floor. A bunch of other little things like packages that I couldn’t get open and was really frustrated that I couldn’t do it the first time. A bunch of things it seems like normal people can do the first time, like opening lids and jars and plastic packages, I can’t and couldn’t, and I had to finagle with scissors and different tools to get them to open, like a clueless child. Mood-wise, mentally, almost feels like I have PMS (feel like i can’t move fast enough for all that needs to get done), but it can’t be that -I just got past mid cycle. So I don’t know what kind of imbalance this is. are my hormones still trying to balance out from the birth control? Then, when I finally had time between work and chores to clean up the shattered glass, I turned on the vacuum and a big dust plume burst out of it, and I stepped back, not wanting to get an allergic reaction. Fed up and went for a run two times on the track, which didn’t make me feel much better, because I was so frustrated from everything from before, which never happens- I usually feel better after a run. maybe I built up a tolerance and need to go three times around now instead of two. Also the last few days, I keep seeing pictures of babies whose faces or bodies look like Hunter’s, utterly demolished, killed, dead, with the Gaza and Palestinian war. I know what they’re trying to do – call attention to it and get the word out so the cease fire comes sooner – and I am 110% for it – but just seeing the images hurts me, it hurts my psyche. It hurts deeper now, because with Hunter- with my own baby now- I can relate even more what it might feel like to have harm done to my child. Also scratched my face and it hurt to today (but it wasn’t the worst). But the malfunctioning vacuum really annoyed and upset me, when I saw the dust spew out like a little volcano eruption.  I don’t know what’s wrong with it, but I sprayed some allergy spray all around it and left it outside on the porch for R to fix.  it kind of took my a lot of patience and calming myself to not put it all the way out to the street for the trash people to pick it up. Will ask R if he can fix it first- it’s his vacuum. just everything today felt too hard to do- ordinary things like cooking and cleaning that shouldn’t be hard for the average person- which made me feel worse about it all. And I’m worried about if I can pay my credit card again this month. Need to ask R for $1000, which will barely cover it.

11/2/23

I have this like hunch or suspicion every time I hear about new mothers, how on the surface they look placid, and even happy. My suspicion is: check on them. Support them and don’t stop until you’re sure she’s really OK. But I don’t want to like scream this from the rooftops, because maybe i’m wrong, because the only direct experience I’ve had with it is my own, and also my close girlfriend’s. But I just feel like the states of new mothers are so ignored. Even though the baby’s out now, she is still the most important person, if you think about it, because the baby needs her. he still needs her – she can’t waste away yet. and that can’t be all I was put on this earth for – just to produce him. There must be more.

I just want to feel beautiful again (and beautiful to me encompasses healthy). That’s my only goal in life now, besides other normal daily stuff. It doesn’t have to be like it was before, pre-baby, but… I want to feel comfort and ease in my body again, like I completely belong to myself. Like my aura absolutely loves me, and is embracing me all the time. God lead me.

10/23/23

i only see it now- 6 years and one baby later. My name changed the day that I met you. Before dating or sex or anything. Just…i think the moment i first saw you, I changed. I became new.

sometimes when i’m walking through the forest on that path with dappled sunlight bc of how thick the treecover, i feel almost like i’m not in my body still. i feel like this separate person behind the operating controls of a body. i don’t feel one with myself like i did before the birth, when everything operated smoothly, efficiently, even gracefully. when i was in pretty complete control.  when i had full balance. now sometimes- i’m pretty sure bc my sleep still not well-regulated/still recovering – i knock into walls, i trip and stumble. i never did before. i wouldn’t exchange my baby for it, but- i want all that back.

i know kids are all naturally intuitive, but this past weekend i think it was the first time Hunter’s intuition really struck me: on saturday night we were at Hunter’s aunt’s, and R had too much to drink. this doesn’t happen a lot; maybe once a year or so (some neighbor had brought over fireball whiskey, R’s dad and uncle were visiting from Brazil, shots were done with much celebratory brouhaha, another round of shots, another…) but it was bad to the point where his eyes were very glazed over and unfocused, i could tell the difference in his body movements and increased socializing, louder talking, slurred words, and even his tone of voice changed- it got deeper and sounded different. Anyway, i guess Hunter could tell something too. R usually drives, but as we were getting ready to leave and i had put him in his carseat, I said just one time, among other (unrelated) things: “Mommy has to drive home.” Then a minute later, R rushed past me and sat in the driver’s seat, and turned around asking for the keys. Hunter shouted at him, “Mama drive!” when R didn’t answer him, Hunter shouted louder, repeating “i want Mama drive!” over and over 3 or 4 times, and he was visibly upset. He’s asked me to drive only once before, a few months ago, but it was playful, and he was relaxed and smiling when he said it. Saturday night…he almost had a desperate edge to his voice. Like he knew. R refused at first, but then two of his sisters ran up to the window telling him no way was he driving, and I said to R, “it’s three against one- actually more than three” as i glanced at his other sister and ppl back at the party who wouldn’t have wanted him driving either, and eventually he hoisted himself over to the passenger seat and I drove us all home (actually to mom’s, cause I didn’t know how long he’d be out of commission and needed help with the baby). But i just really feel like Hunter knew, even though he couldn’t fully express it in words. The urgent edge in his voice when he was shouting for me to drive – it pierced my heart.

10/26/23

Just this week, started feeling ok with getting out of bed before/by 10 am. That’s progress. and yesterday, I even went for a run in the morning, around 9:15. It’s been about 2 years since i felt ok getting up before 10. While I was running, I whispered to my body, “Yes, this is what I want. Thank you. Please keep going in this direction.”

10/27/23

mid-cycle today. high energy this morning. ran at like 9 am

in the middle of a slight flareup right now, I think I have to also put grains to the back of the queue to reintroduce, because I’ve been eating rice like every day the past few days – maybe they are the cause my skin not fully healed?

something nice that’s been happening over the past few weeks: since my parents have been keeping Baby there during the work week, R and I have started sleeping in the same bed together. i used to think that I would never be able to sleep in the same bed as someone, but every week, it gets nicer. The last few nights, after him being at work all day, I looked forward to being in bed with him, and at night during sleep, it’s nice to reach out and touch him when I change sleeping positions, and fall back asleep with my hand or foot somewhere on him. Background: We used to, in the beginning years of our relationship, have separate beds in separate rooms, and we still do. but when the baby came, my room became the baby’s room because i slept with baby every night, with R sleeping upstairs on his own. Then, after I got sick and went to the hospital 15 months into breastfeeding, it turned into the situation of all 3 of us sleeping together in the same room, with me leaving to go upstairs to sleep by myself after I had put the baby to sleep, and returning back down there when R left for work in the morning. It’s still like that on the weekends (and actually, R is starting to be able to put him to sleep without me), but during the week, it’s just the two of us now, in Hunter’s room together, in the big bed. It’s new to us, it’s nice. i sometimes have to step out of the room to scratch and that’s horrible, but mostly, it’s nice.

had my third (i think) appointment, with the functional medicine doc on tuesday. We went over my allergy blood test results and I’m allergic to so much besides dust mites: local trees, dog and cat dander, grass, other stuff. he put me on two more supplements, (glutathione and aller-aid), in addition to all the ones I’m already on. But he said it’s not for the long term- only until we get my physiology to shift. So that’s good. We talked for an hour and even that seemed not enough time to find out everything I wanted, but sufficient I guess.

10/28/23

it’s so much easier at home when baby’s not here.  but, knowing he exists… i would willingly allow more chaos and stress into my life, knowing he exists, how he is…i’m willing to pay that price.

10/29/23

Again felt pretty good energy level today and ran around 9:40 in the morning.

Today i turned on the AC unit in our living room and when i came back a few minutes later, i smelled a musty smell i didn’t like. I looked closer and it looked dirty inside, possibly mold? I wasn’t sure, so i looked up some mold experts online, and emailed one and called another for an estimate/inspection. I know mold can definitely contribute to eczema. So we’ll see what they say/find. It would make sense, bc i remember how sick i felt when i tried sleeping in that living room months ago- i’m pretty sure it was during weather where the AC was running. And it would also explain my recent flareup (it’s pretty bad now on neck and feet) because it’s been hot like up to 80 degrees past few days so i’ve had to turn it on, after a long stretch of not using it (which i guess coincided with my skin getting better too, when i wasn’t using that AC unit).

Some dark feelings I had regarding all this: why does it have to be me that’s ultrasensitive? So many people pass through this house, and no one seems to suffer like i have. Like physically hurt like i’m hurting. Not that i want anyone to hurt at all. But…why…why can’t i be one of the ones that dust and mold and pet hair and pollen don’t have any effect on? Why do i have to be the one putting forth so much energy and money and time and thought into not-fun things like doctor appointments and elimination diets? I felt….jealousy, i guess it was. Maybe self pity? or anger? i don’t know.

The leaves are…so beautiful. The other day, father-in-law was raking our backyard and they were falling all around while he was raking. If you just sit out there, every second, at least two fall, if not more, all around. It’s cause our house on the one side is all trees; I never lived so close to a forest before, it’s…beautiful. More beautiful than spring or summer I think. They’re everywhere and crunchy and falling like rain that’s actually comfortable to stand in.

10/16/23

Took a pregnancy test – it was negative – this morning, just to rule out that the recent, relatively drastic, positive change in skin was not due to pregnancy. was so glad that it was negative- that means that I’m actually doing something(s) right, maybe.

noticed my teeth have been feeling weaker lately, like the last week or two. I was wondering if it’s because I’m not consuming any dairy anymore.

Hunter nursed exactly one time this week. He was at my parents the whole workweek, then we had him for the weekend and he didn’t nurse til just tonight, when I went to bed with him. If I hadn’t put him to bed and Rodrigo had, I think he would not have nursed once this whole week. So now, I’m just thinking that every time now, this could be our last time.

I guess I spoke too soon about my egg reaction, because tonight my face itched and it was a little raised during, and it felt close to weeping, but it didn’t. But I consider that a bad reaction, because everything else is/was getting better. It seems like all the reactions happen the night of the second day, so far. (update 10/22 – this same rxn seemed to happen after I introduced grains back- on my face as well, and on the night of both the first and second days- but not as intense, so I’m not sure. Really unsure – what if it was not grains, and something else? – yesterday i stayed for hours at my s-in-law’s who uses artificial plug-in scents, stayed in my dusty room at parents’ last night- i think I have to put grains to the back of the queue as well, and re-introduce a second time. ideally when i can control all other environmental, diet, etc. factors so i can be more sure)

I just want my face to clear up before Hunter’s old enough to remember me this way. I want him to remember that I had a nice face, not a messed up one.

Today, felt PMS mood. Felt intolerant and a little edgy, anxious and stressed while in ShopRite and also while at a fun place (jurassic land) with Baby.

10/17/23

Just wanna note that right before I got my period today, a few days ago, I did get and feel very strongly the PMS mood change that I usually get, and also the strong chocolate craving- I had that yesterday. And a little today. My face getting a little worse did coincide with getting my period- i guess I want to note that- but I don’t suspect it is FROM my period, I think it is from adding eggs back. But will try again, just in case. Cause they did coincide. I guess the next time I should avoid adding anything back around the time I will get my period, just to rule out that hormonal change being the cause of anything.

10/18/23

like the last two days- this morning and yesterday- again was dreading waking up, because face got a little worse, and didn’t want to get up because it hurts more when I stand up. But I think it’s still not as bad as it was, when I was in the throes of it a month or so ago.

10/9/23

today was the first day, after weeks and weeks and weeks, that I could go out running in the daylight and not be afraid what my face would look like with the sun shining on it. The weather was clear and cool and beautiful and after my run, my lungs felt better – more open and relaxed, with more capacity.

today I was thinking how, a few hours after we left Baby at my mom’s house for the week, me and R were back home, in the living room and he confided to me, “I miss him already.” just that: I don’t know why, but I always associated missing one’s children with women and maternal tendencies. Like I do understand the concept, with my brain, of fathers missing their children. but I never had any personal experience with it at all until R said this, and I know he meant it. I guess I kind of assume a lot of stereotypes about men, until they prove it differently to me.

(eczema meditation)

balance, strength

faith, first loves

soft skin

how much sweeter some things are

that are lost and then

return

10/11/23

feeling like I’m in remission. Every day, it’s a little tiny bit better. And two days ago, I even re-introduced dairy (ate cheese, drank something with ghee in it) to no ill effect. on Saturday, will re-introduce egg, then three days after that, grains, then soy 3 days after that. Well if none of it sets me back, that’s the schedule.

10/12/23

last night, and today, scratched feet to almost weeping. I think I must put dairy to the back of the queue and try again next time, to see if there is again a bad reaction.

I remember I would dread/be afraid of waking up every morning, because that was when my skin hurt the most. But now it doesn’t hurt as much anymore – it is bearable. also, I don’t feel like Quasimodo when I’m walking out in the sun anymore- I feel almost normal.

10/13/23

The more I think about it, I think maybe the adding back of dairy might’ve been what triggered my feet. Because my face, neck, arms and hands (all the bad spots) are all still getting better- it’s all generally better. so maybe it was that addition of dairy that triggered it- just my feet. Also how I know it’s getting better: the cuticle on my one middle finger that had been receded this whole time is growing back, the lump under my chin that I was worried about many months ago is pretty much not there I think anymore, and I don’t feel that constricted feeling in my lungs that I felt back in May/June. I thought it was the wildfires, but maybe this was all a result of dust mite allergy. Because it’s been one week of making changes all targeted towards dust mites, and all this reversal has happened in the same time frame- it can’t be a coincidence. Maybe the dietary changes, supplements, more attention to sleep, and all these extra things may have helped, because I was slowly getting better before, but I feel that, as soon as I implemented the anti-dust-mite measures, things improved more drastically.

10/15/23

It’s been two days since adding eggs back to diet (yesterday for breakfast had pancakes made with one egg, and also two fried eggs; this morning had an omelet at Healthy Garden) and I think I’m ok with them- haven’t noticed anything bad with skin yet- just face feeling extra dry, but nothing really raised, nothing weepy like after i added back dairy. Will add grains back next. Hopefully I can add everything back/doc can give me some good suggestions if I’m allergic to dairy.

10/2/23

today when I woke up around eight, was the first time in as long as I can remember that I did not feel dead tired, or like a zombie, or like immediately going back to sleep. I actually felt like I could get up, but I didn’t, I wanted to rest a little more, so laid back down, ended up itching my face a bit which is in a break out now, and wanting even more to rest because of that, and falling asleep again until around 11. But when I woke up around 11, I felt even better than when I woke up at eight.  laid in bed until around 12:30, when I finally got up.

10/4/23

just found out yesterday- the doc told me that my blood work shows severe allergy to dust mites. could taking care of this be the magic bullet? Simultaneously, reading Spellbreaker by Charlie N. Holmburg, and just last night got to the scene where she undoes a mysterious spell that had been holding back his physical health for over a decade. Coincidence or…?

not feeling too bad today. I actually don’t think I got much sleep last night: laid down in bed around 10 or 11, but tossed and turned and itched until about 2 AM, then slept only till about 4 and woke up again, then woke up/slept periodically until 8 AM. But after resting in bed like an hour after I woke up at 8, was pretty OK. Feel a bit livelier and better than past days. today is the first day without antiviral pills-  I’d taken them for the past four days. I think part of my good mood is maybe now with the dust mite allergy diagnosis, I finally have more direction and know where to focus my energy and resources instead of trying to guess if it’s this or that that’s breaking me out. as soon as I found out yesterday, I researched a lot online and changed all the bedsheets, and made up a spray with strong essential oils and alcohol and sprayed down the bed and pillows and couch and other fabric areas with it, and ordered a mineral spray that like neutralizes dust and allergens from Amazon, arriving on Friday. wish I could afford all silk sheets and bedding and air purifiers for every room, but can’t right now. thinking to maybe accumulate one expensive thing at a time over the years, as budget allows. I found a decent dehumidifier on Facebook marketplace for $150, R is picking it up today after work. supposedly humidity below 50% helps a lot to kill the mites.

ovulation almost hurt today- it’s an ache reminiscent of before (pre- birth control), but a little stronger. fortunately, it was only for a few hours last night and while going to sleep.  when I woke up, it was gone.

10/5/23

so for the last few weeks, my parents have been trying to help me sleep better by keeping Baby there overnight. For like two weeks already, he stayed there Monday to Wednesday, came back Wednesday night and slept with us, then gone back to parents’ for the rest the week until Friday. So that means he only nursed on Wednesday and on the weekend when we had him. And this week, mom is keeping him all week, and I noticed my breasts are not even filling up much – I feel like our nursing relationship is really winding down. It’s a little sad that he doesn’t need me in that way anymore, but 90%, I’m glad and grateful for this. when I was in the thick of it, I thought the day would never come. i’m almost afraid to declare my “freedom” until i’m sure it’s over.

10/8/23

boobs have returned to like pre-baby, normal size again, and this weekend he only really asked to nurse at bedtime when he was going to sleep – he can go the whole day without it. and the whole week last week, he didn’t nurse cause he was with my parents.

for the past day or so, skin seems a bit better every day. haven’t changed much really, still on the difficult diet (will start adding back food groups one by one this coming week tho, as directed by the doc), on the same supplements (omega 3 and rhamnosus gg), still trying to exercise daily, etc. Have been using more of this black seed oil balm i got off Etsy, using zinc more too, on bad spots. maybe it’s a culmination of all these things i’ve been doing for a while now, working together. Maybe also it’s the stuff i’ve been doing to control the dust mites. Since finding out my allergy have been very mindful of anything i can do to counteract it: using the mineral spray a lot throughout the house, cleaning more, changing/washing sheets more, blowing/nasal-spraying nose more, also oiling nasal passages more to “deflect” the dust mite particles, changing into new clothes more often, running damp cloth over myself more to reduce any particles on me…maybe all this is having an effect too.

not being able to afford everything I want sucks mostly, but one thing I like about it: it really hones your “do I need this or not?” ability. You get better and better at deciding what you need and what you can live without. i like slimming my possessions down in this way- to the particular things i deem essential.

Tonight R watched tv without me for a while so when I saw him later in bed I asked, “did you watch anything good?” I saw he had been starting shows then stopping them and looking for something else when I’d passed by. He hesitated, sleepy, then said, “The only good thing I watched today was Hunter.” Which I know what he means. Baby’s really coming into his person: surprisingly funny, cute, witty, aware, happy, charming. I think it’s mostly because he can really talk now and say so many different things that we never heard him say before, how he’s learning new stuff to say all the time. yesterday we took him to a dino thing and as we were leaving, he wouldn’t sit down in his car seat. he was just standing in the seat. R asked him to sit down, and he surprised us with this new phrase: “not a chance!” Then there was about 20 minutes of him saying, “I sit down…” and him sitting down and then standing right back up, saying, “…and then I stand back up again!” and smiling mischievously. i’m trying all the time now to keep from laughing too loud, because R is afraid if I boisterously laugh as loud as I want to at everything he does, he’s going to become self-conscious and introverted. So I’m like stifling all my giggles around him, unless he’s doing something to obviously make us laugh. This morning I told my mom I almost didn’t want to hand him over to her, but here comes another work week. I used to hear ppl say, “children are a joy” and I’m just now starting to see and feel the meaning.  

9/25/23

today when I woke up, it didn’t hurt as much as recent days. It felt like maybe it hurt half as much or less, which is good. Have not been using much steroids, but did use a smidge on my feet and fingers the past two days- once each day- because it was flaring a little. but like where it was raised on my arms before, now it is flat, and i haven’t used any rx meds there at all for weeks.

bath/shower didn’t hurt as much as usual today. I actually for the past two weeks or so, skipped my weekly bath and just did showers because my skin was so bad. today was the first day I felt good enough to actually brave a bath, and it wasn’t too bad. by which i mean: I didn’t need to put on some prime video episode (currently watching The Wheel of Time) and watch it as I itched and self-soothed for an hour after my shower today, like I have been doing these past few weeks. so that’s improvement.

something else Hunter started saying: after he got a toy ice cream and seahorse from Dave & Buster’s this weekend, I was just quickly wiping them down with a water wipe before he played with them in the car, and as I was wiping, he looked at me and said, “you’re the best mom!”. Surprised me lol. and then also this weekend he got a dragon costume from his aunt, and as R was helping him put it on, he looked at R and said “you’re the best dad!” lol

R seems to think that Hunter is very musically inclined and has rhythm – I don’t disagree. I remember when he was a baby before he could even talk or hardly stand, he was moving to the beat, and with the beat, of songs on TV. And then this weekend, his favorite thing at Dave & Buster’s seemed to be the guitar station- R said that he was moving very rhythmically to the song, as if he was actually playing it. R wants to get him a drum set. also we want to enroll him in daycare soon, when we can afford it, but he also has to be potty trained I think, which he isn’t yet.

9/26/23

Today, biked to functional doc appointment, I see him once a month now. Google maps said it would take 20 min, and I biked really hard like as hard as I could cause I was afraid of being late, but it still took a half hour actually. I think the tire(s) on the old bike might have a leak. So I was 10 min late and the receptionist was calling my cell just as I walked into the office. I was apologetic and overheated and had just biked through light rain the whole time, but felt good from the hard exercise. nothing hurt/was itchy actually. He went over my bloodwork results and i’m pretty healthy- my liver and thyroid and kidneys and all that stuff were good/normal, and i don’t even have anemia or low vit D like i thought i did. Some subgroup of my white blood cell count was high i think, which he said could indicate inflammation. He said i should be eating animal protein with every meal. Assigned me to get more bloodwork- one that tests for allergens, including local-to-NJ allergens.

9/30/23

promise to put on repeat:

With every step, around every corner, i will treat myself with love and care. no matter how bad it feels- come what may- i will wrap compassion around me like a blanket from the emerald forest- tightly secure it, and never take it off.

have not written about this yet, because I’m still dealing with it, but: I had a day or two stretch this week where are my skin seemed pretty good- not healed, but healing. Then, right after that, and without seemingly any change I can think of, these past two days I’ve had a pretty severe red breakout on my face- worse on the right side. It’s rashes that seemed to be going down that got, for some reason, inflamed and weepy, and herpeticum-like pimples popping up along my neck (right side) and around my right eye. Currently in the thick of it. tried for like past two days taking the Wisp herbal prevention supplement (it has astragalus, echinacea and andrographis), but I guess it didn’t help, so started taking the Vacyclovir today, and did not have much appetite. feeling sick from either looking at it or really am sick or like a combination. face looks so bad- almost as bad as when it was full blown, but it’s not exactly full blown yet. But it is spreading, which is why I started the prescription meds. Rested as long as I wanted, until noon today.

Even without baby (parents kept him at their place most of the week), still having trouble sleeping: falling asleep takes a long time (an hour or two). And when I do sleep, I feel like it’s not deep, bc I’m still waking up throughout the night. At my appointment this past Tuesday, the doc said it could be the birth control still leaving my system- the hormone imbalances/rebalancing can disturb your sleep and circadian cycle. Hopefully it’s over soon, and I can sleep like normal, because I never had problems sleeping before all this (before Baby).

skin hurts, but it’s not the worst pain (full-blown eczema herpeticum is the worst pain). It’s like a low-level burning. and it feels hot- to the touch and also just sensation-wise, my face and neck. I wonder if it’s the prednisone that I took a month and a half ago still coming out of my body, or if this would’ve happened anyway, and is something else. but I have this feeling- I’m not sure if it’s true- that if I can just get through this, that it’s not a cycle anymore- that I’m going towards complete healing. I don’t know what makes me think this. Maybe it’s because I’m seeing this doctor and trying new things, or some other reason? Maybe because at the same time i have this horrific shit on my face, my hand and arm rashes seem to be going down, so maybe the inflammation is just like moving up, and out of my body and has to cross my face first before it leaves? it’s my hope at least.

and I guess this grain free, soy free, dairy, free, etc. diet doesn’t help much, because my skin got so bad while in the midst of it. I don’t understand how just a few days ago at my dr appt. I was feeling so good and hopeful with my skin, and now this. How it can change overnight/within a few days.

9/19/23

“..that the way of the faithful is committing to pay the price, even if the cost cannot be known. and trusting that in the end, it will be worth it.” -the rings of power, s1, e8

it hurts so much. after i woke up this morning and scratched my neck, it hurt all day, until nighttime. 

9/20/23

something funny Baby does: I don’t know why, but he doesn’t say vampire. He only says “grampire”

9/21/23

sex last night (condoms always now- but was feeling so good at the beginning that I was contemplating not using any -was in my mind rationalizing that I had just finished my period so it was safe, but in reality, I shouldn’t have because I have not firmly established my cycle again, and I’m glad R did not let us. if not for him, I might have done it without)

last three or four days, skipped heavy workout. This was because I got my real period, complete with gushing and lots of blood and everything that accompanies a real one I think. So I was not feeling like jumping around. But today it is pretty much over, and I resumed again, slowly, taking my time. Felt good.

Hunter recently started saying “I love you” to us. It’s really cute, so cute. It like instantly melts my heart every time he does it.

skin still hurting and itchy. If I had to choose between is it better or worse, I would say better, but not much. There’s still inflammation. Just recently switched to a grain-free diet (suggested by the functional med doctor), which is hard because it excludes a lot more than gluten-free does. Like no corn or rice or oats, which I ate so much of before (didn’t realize how much til i cut it out). Also eliminated dairy, egg and soy for now, as directed by the doc. The first few weeks of adjusting diet were frustrating, but now I can say that I’m actually pleased with the change because it’s introduced/forced me to foods and products that I wouldn’t normally eat- some of which I really like and would keep eating (miracle noodles, snack mates chicken sticks and other meat jerkys, Seven Sundays sunflower cereal…) no matter what my diet is. so as a result I feel like this “restriction” has actually expanded my diet. 

9/11/23

this kid is definitely mine. I feel like I’ve paid the price so dearly.

today found bright green Play-Doh inside my slipper, it stuck to my sock in a coin shape from stepping on it. Had to peel it off, two pieces in different places. And there’s also pee and poo diapers in different trash cans in the house. just realizing these little things made it real for me today that i have a toddler.

9/12/23

this concept of dying to self and letting yourself be supported by bigger, higher powers. How with the birth and these years post-birth, I absolutely did die to my former self, but…i’m not sure if i am a better version at all. i feel weaker than i was, sicker. mostly physically. stronger in mind and spirit? i don’t know. i feel like some adversity strengthens. But in the midst of it right now… I just want it to go away. I just want to be comfortable in my skin and at peace again. is it possible to be in pain every day, and still be at peace, still a light to others? How?

i guess now i know that my husband will go through it all with me, by my side, and he won’t love me less because of my health/mental problems, my perceived shortcomings. that’s something I did gain from all this, at least.

had a nice moment, despite everything, with Baby yesterday. After a long workday spent inside, we went to the park. Played on the playground. On our way back, we saw lights through the trees that we never saw before, and he pointed them out. Halloween lights already, that someone had decorated their house with. I asked if he wanted to go see them and he said yeah. We had to cross the big field and halfway there he said he didn’t want to go anymore because it was too far away (he was walking with his little legs) lol. I asked if he wanted me to carry him, and I wanted to because I hadn’t gotten my exercise that day. He said yeah and I picked him up and we ran towards the house, and that was the moment- we were both having fun and laughing at the same time. and when we got there, we saw the house was decorated really awesome, it was like a work of art.

9/13/23

it hurts the most when I first get up and in/after a shower. Those are worst times of the day for me. I almost feel like I need to take a painkiller before I get in the shower, is how much the water hurts my skin.

I can’t wait til the day I write in this journal: “I feel so much better. So. Much. Better.” I know that day is coming.

9/17/23

I’m getting 7-8 hours sleep here and there now, more than before definitely, but still not consistent. I just realized that it will never be consistent right now unless I go to live with my parents. Because there…my mom can put him to sleep, and wake with him, so I get the night and morning to myself. Here at our house, we all go to sleep together (it seems R can’t make him fall asleep?) and baby nurses til late, and then R leaves 5-6 in the morning, at which time I must get up from my separate bed and go to sleep with baby. So sleep will always be broken as long as I’m here. Idk. idk what to do. I know I need sleep. But I don’t want to live apart from my husband. Is there another way? Should I just do it for a few months until I feel some significant gains in health? Maybe I can talk to R to at least see if he can get Baby to sleep without me. How I know I’m still not healed: besides my skin still being inflamed, I’m misplacing things that I never did before. Twice last night while brushing teeth, kept almost putting my water glass into the toothbrush holder instead of next to the faucet where it belongs. I never did stuff like this before. I need to get out of this, get clear of all this.  

9/7/23

i’ve been giving him what he wants since he was the size of a grape in my belly.

hard lately. Dad still not feeling well, so mom can only come in the afternoons, and I’m with Baby by myself all morning. Have been trying to find a sitter- contacted someone, but they couldn’t, and even searching was hard because you have to sign up and pay a fee to even contact the sitters (Sitter City).

8/29/23

had the functional medicine doctor appointment today. Got so much information that it would be too long to put here, but was very satisfied with the information influx. one of the things that I took from it was that the synthetic hormones in birth control can exacerbate my skin symptoms by messing with my immune system, so I stopped it cold turkey today.  it’s been like 2 1/2 months on it anyway, and I’ve seen no improvement with my skin, which was the sole reason I was taking it. If anything, it probably made my eczema worse. (The convenience of not having to get a condom and open it and put it on every single time or worry about pregnancy afterwards was nice, though.) The doc said he’s never seen anyone’s skin improve through using rx birth control. feeling kind of relieved from the burden of remembering to take it every day, but also worried about switching back to condoms and just misusing them / thinking we’re at a safe time and not using them and maybe getting pregnant. curious if my milk supply is going to return or not after being reduced for so long. wondering if R will get a vasectomy soon- we’ve talked about it before and he said he would be willing, so I don’t wanna bring it up and seem like I’m nagging. I feel like that might be the best thing for us to do though.

8/30/23

I think one of the most important things this doctor is doing for me is making me more sure about my treatment protocol. Because before, I was trying all sorts of different things, but not really sure if they would work or were good for me. Now I have more direction, and he recommended some of the things I’ve already tried (omega-3 and the Fiber GG supplement) but didn’t stick with because I just wasn’t sure if they were helping or not. But now I’ll stick with it and see – I have more confidence in my choices, and my choices are more narrowed-down (because of his suggestions), whereas before, they were all over the place (because of my desperation and lack of any medical training).

8/31/23

since like all day yesterday, I’ve been having this weird feeling like I can’t move fast enough to do everything I need to- like I’m moving underwater every second, no matter how fast I try to push things. I think it’s a combination of: 1. my volume at work really is increasing, so I have more work to do; 2. May have PMS from suddenly stopping birth control pills, because I feel like irritable too; and 3. maybe it’s just a normal feeling living with a hyper toddler who eats up every spare minute.

something I knew all along, but am just now fully realizing and feel ready to take action on: when I’m depressed and hurting, I’m sure it affects R. I want to get out of my pain and sadness not only for me- but I realize through marriage and just the general spirit of our relationship and friendship, me and R are really connected, and the mood of one of us affects the other. I’m sure my being down these past months has affected him, though he would never say so outright. I want to help myself as much as I can, so that it helps him too, and any problems that my depression may have exacerbated in him, can be healed. I love him so much, he’s always done good by me. I want us to be the best and the healthiest we can be. The baby kind of took over everything once he was born two years ago. But now…I want us to all rise up together, as one family unit, with the health of one of us not costing the health of another (like it did when I was up all night for 15 months straight breastfeeding).

something feels different about today, like there is certain magic or uncertainty or change in the air. I think a lot has to do with the weather- it’s noticeably cooler in the  70°s,  just really nice and cool and fall-like compared to the last hot days. The air feels different- there’s a change and a crispness. also, mom came to visit today and brought me food and acai, and told me that dad dropped a light bulb fixture or something when he was fixing it and it shattered on the ground, and she hoped it wasn’t a bad omen. Also, I drew a tarot card today and got the moon.

9/1/23

bleeding a lot today. Don’t know whether to count this as a normal period bc I know it’s as a result of stopping the birth control a few days ago. Def gonna wait a few months and make sure cycle is normal again before doing anything like trying to label a day fertile or infertile.

skin felt horrible today, unfortunately. Went to the big bounce house event in philly and it was a cool gig mostly, except 1) one of the cool-looking bounce houses that Hunter wanted to go in, that had a monster face as the entrance, there was a height restriction which he fell just under, and they didn’t let him him in (even with his dad), and nowhere (that i can remember) in any of the emails they sent or website did i read anything about there being height restrictions, so that was disappointing; and 2) my feet got wet in the big main bounce house from soap-water being all over the whole bounce house floor and unavoidable (i think from the bubble-making machine) . Luckily my feet aren’t really bad anymore and mostly closed up. But in the hot sun, my face burned like hell and I felt like hell, too hot. I feel like the prednisone is still coming out of my body maybe. Still, I don’t know if I can say with 100% certainty, “I wish I never took it.” I was in a worsening full-body flare when I started it. Maybe…maybe it helped, did something, kept it from becoming worse. All I know is, I’m never going to totally shun western medicine: it may be just full of band-aid solutions that don’t get to the root of the problem, but with topical steroids at least, it’s a band-aid that helped me out of months-long pain and misery by stopping the worst of it and allowing me desperately-needed respite. My feet are still doing a little better every day, still thank-god all closed up. On the days they seem fine, I just put all-natural balm and put my socks back on. If I see/feel any concerning bumps (maybe once every 2-3 days), I hit it with the tacrolimus or clobestaol- the smallest amount possible- and the next day it’s all flat and dry, and continuing to get better in general, which majorly contributes to preserving my sanity.