9/11/23
this kid is definitely mine. I feel like I’ve paid the price so dearly.
today found bright green Play-Doh inside my slipper, it stuck to my sock in a coin shape from stepping on it. Had to peel it off, two pieces in different places. And there’s also pee and poo diapers in different trash cans in the house. just realizing these little things made it real for me today that i have a toddler.
9/12/23
this concept of dying to self and letting yourself be supported by bigger, higher powers. How with the birth and these years post-birth, I absolutely did die to my former self, but…i’m not sure if i am a better version at all. i feel weaker than i was, sicker. mostly physically. stronger in mind and spirit? i don’t know. i feel like some adversity strengthens. But in the midst of it right now… I just want it to go away. I just want to be comfortable in my skin and at peace again. is it possible to be in pain every day, and still be at peace, still a light to others? How?
i guess now i know that my husband will go through it all with me, by my side, and he won’t love me less because of my health/mental problems, my perceived shortcomings. that’s something I did gain from all this, at least.
had a nice moment, despite everything, with Baby yesterday. After a long workday spent inside, we went to the park. Played on the playground. On our way back, we saw lights through the trees that we never saw before, and he pointed them out. Halloween lights already, that someone had decorated their house with. I asked if he wanted to go see them and he said yeah. We had to cross the big field and halfway there he said he didn’t want to go anymore because it was too far away (he was walking with his little legs) lol. I asked if he wanted me to carry him, and I wanted to because I hadn’t gotten my exercise that day. He said yeah and I picked him up and we ran towards the house, and that was the moment- we were both having fun and laughing at the same time. and when we got there, we saw the house was decorated really awesome, it was like a work of art.
9/13/23
it hurts the most when I first get up and in/after a shower. Those are worst times of the day for me. I almost feel like I need to take a painkiller before I get in the shower, is how much the water hurts my skin.
I can’t wait til the day I write in this journal: “I feel so much better. So. Much. Better.” I know that day is coming.
9/17/23
I’m getting 7-8 hours sleep here and there now, more than before definitely, but still not consistent. I just realized that it will never be consistent right now unless I go to live with my parents. Because there…my mom can put him to sleep, and wake with him, so I get the night and morning to myself. Here at our house, we all go to sleep together (it seems R can’t make him fall asleep?) and baby nurses til late, and then R leaves 5-6 in the morning, at which time I must get up from my separate bed and go to sleep with baby. So sleep will always be broken as long as I’m here. Idk. idk what to do. I know I need sleep. But I don’t want to live apart from my husband. Is there another way? Should I just do it for a few months until I feel some significant gains in health? Maybe I can talk to R to at least see if he can get Baby to sleep without me. How I know I’m still not healed: besides my skin still being inflamed, I’m misplacing things that I never did before. Twice last night while brushing teeth, kept almost putting my water glass into the toothbrush holder instead of next to the faucet where it belongs. I never did stuff like this before. I need to get out of this, get clear of all this.
Marriage Journal 