1/10/24

last night, went to bed around usual time,
midnight, and was feeling fine, even good, because we had just had sex and then went to sleep right after. But this morning, very early around five when R’s alarm went off, when I lifted my head in the dark, it felt like the room was spinning a little. it wasn’t painful, and I thought nothing of it and put my head back down and went back to sleep. when I woke up for work later around 730, I actually felt less awake then than I did at 5 AM. And i felt the dizziness again, and when I tried to get out of bed, it got worse. I started feeling so bad: cold and clammy, almost sweating, shaky, like I was about to throw up. I wanted to go back to sleep, but I had to clock in, so I kept forcing myself to do everything and keep going. I sat at my desk where my laptop was and pulled the little trashcan next to me with my elbows on my knees and hovered my head over it. I didn’t barf, but still felt really bad, and after a while made myself get up and go to the bathroom, thinking that might help.  In the bathroom, I had to lean with my arm on the wall while on the toilet to steady myself, and did poo a little bit more than usual, but that was it. For the level of sickness I was feeling, I was expecting diarrhea or something, but none of that. I did feel a little better after the bathroom though. i’ve been taking it slow all day, and have not had any appetite. It is now almost 4 PM and I haven’t eaten anything at all (just had some sips of tea), and I don’t have any desire to, which is abnormal for me. I lined up a few things on the counter that I thought could be the culprit that I ingested last night – some lozenges, my latest batch of water kefir (just tasted a drop of it last night), and the celery juice I had been sipping on (I threw it out). I don’t know if it’s any of these though -I’ve had those lozenges and the kefir before without any adverse reaction. after going to bathroom in the morning, I thought I was in the clear, and got some work done. but then around noon, it happened again, while I was turning my head at a funny angle to hang up a wind chime in the kitchen, so that I had to lay down for a few hours, and when I turned my head in bed these past few hours laying down, I could still feel the dizziness come on. a little scared to get up. this morning when it first hit me, it felt so bad that the thought crossed my mind that I might die all alone in the house and no one would know until much later, because R had already left for work. I tried to keep my phone nearby whenever I moved so that I could possibly dial 911 if I collapsed, which felt like a super possibility.
I did feel a tiny sharp pain once today, around mid morning, in my stomach. it didn’t hurt that much but I think was out of the ordinary. 
no headache though or pain anywhere else besides the extreme dizziness/vertigo and nausea. 

1/11/24

when I asked what is up with this dizzy sickness:

took covid test, was negative.

1/12/24

The skin everywhere on my body still doing well, with nothing getting worse and no flareups, and I would say very incrementally getting better. I just have some dry heels on my feet from the winter weather, which are unsightly, but not painful. Nowhere near the pain I was in a few months ago, which every day kind of amazes me because I guess it was so ingrained and “remembered” in my body – the trauma of how I needed to move when I was in pain, the memories of waking and going to sleep in pain and just walking around doing chores and feeling socks sticking to feet plus the mental discomfort and all that- now that all that’s gone and I can move freely, it’s as if literal weights have been lifted off my body, which feels good, but also shocking. As if I had been living in a dark jail for so long, and now that I’m free, the daylight is blinding my eyes a bit. i’m not complaining at all (please never let me go back), just describing how it is. The other day, Hunter stomped down on the top of my foot while we were playing, and it didn’t faze me at all. As soon as he did that, and it didn’t hurt, I realized that a few months ago, the same move would’ve kind of ruined my day. I’m physically in a really different place now. It seemed so inescapable when I was in the thick of it.

card of the day:

1/13/24

am feeling lately like i’m finally starting to emerge from this long battle with physical exhaustion since baby’s birth two years ago. i was wondering why it seems like it lasted so much longer than two years, then i realized that not sleeping for two years = 4 years awake.

1/14/24

these past few days, the dizziness has not gone away, but seems to be gradually lessening in severity. Like the first day I was afraid I would lose consciousness and it was the worst, whereas today I can kind of “control” the nausea if I just change my head angle or body position – I kind of figured out what triggers it now (basically laying down and sitting up suddenly). appetite also very gradually started to return – today i ate pretty normally, though still feel a little stomach weirdness/urge to fast lurking.

12/6/23

hair still feels like it’s thinning out, but maybe not so rapidly now as a few weeks ago. I have noticed though, that I have a lot more white hairs now than I did before. Before, I just had a few. Now, I see a few on all sides when I pull my hair back, like underneath. So here it comes- the white hair journey. It seems like an appropriate time, as it feels like I’ve just passed through the most physically stressful period of my life so far. 

1/2/24

I noticed recently that my one pain in my life, skin pain, is practically no longer with me. Like I go through each day, and at the end of the day, I can’t remember feeling any pain. It’s very different from what I just lived through for so long. I just have this one small crack on my thumb fingertip from the weather being so cold and then dry inside. but other than that, my skin feels soft and not inflamed and not giving me any hard time really anywhere. It’s not perfect, but when I was in the thick of it a few months ago, I never thought this day would come – painless days. I’m so happy, so grateful for this. i’ve even been having some foods from the no-no categories (wheat, dairy, egg) and I took a Plan B pill this week, but haven’t noticed any kind of real flareup/setback yet. *update 1/7 – all this still true.

12/25/23

lately have been looking in the mirror at my hair and my face and just thinking, “well, we had a good run at least.”

i’m still feeling weird feelings towards R sometimes- this weird issue in my brain that’s causing resentment about money. I still don’t know who or what is to blame. But I have come to a conclusion after all this thinking: that I can’t be in a good marriage with my mind halfway out of it like it is now. Either I totally step out of it, or I am totally in and totally on his side and we are an absolute team. It just can’t work with me being half-hearted. It would just be a kind of torture, because this relationship we have and this family we’ve created requires both of our whole hearts. So make your decision. Don’t stay in limbo like this.

though there are times of immense love and joy, mostly what parenting is for me: getting hit with the continuous feeling of “this is too hard, I don’t wanna do this anymore,” but then you can’t really do that – it’s not something you can just walk away from. So you just have to keep going and going, no matter how bad things are/how bad you feel.

12/26/23

got the second card when I asked if I should keep playing the lotto, because feeling discouraged after losing so many times. the first card in all these pairs of cards, i always use as a lotto number that I record until I have enough numbers to play.

weird i got the second card though right before R and I had sex and the condom broke. we were using condom as usual and a while later, after we had both dozed a little, we discovered it. he said he didn’t notice anything feel different, and i didn’t either. he went to get an Aftera pill at CVS and i took it same night after dinner…hope it doesn’t mess with my skin too much. if it does though, i won’t know if it was the pill or food, because i ate a slice of pizza made with wheat with dinner. it was so good and i wanted to eat the whole pie, but i stopped myself and filled up on other stuff that stuck with the diet.

12/27/23

something I realized as I was just laying in bed with R and we were dozing after sex tonight (baby was napping): we made promises to each other, when we got married. We promised to take care of each other. So like – blaming him for anything at all, and stirring up resentment within myself – that is not adhering to what I promised. To take care of him = to love him the best i can, to be a team no matter what we go through – in sickness and health, in poverty or riches. What kind of wife would I be if I only loved him during fair weather? Definitely not one of any substance or character. This is a test, I think – how we do in hard times, and above all how well we love each other during hard times. Even if the hard times continue to the end of our lives, I’ll love him. and we are in the midst of it, so now is my chance to prove it. because I think at our cores, we’re still the same people we were when we got married- like the core of our characters. neither of us has changed for the worse, we’re both trying our best and I think no one is to blame. We just both didn’t anticipate how hard having a baby would be. I think that’s simply all that happened. and I think it’s probably a super common thing that happens. And there’s a lot of things we’ve been through as a couple that we didn’t anticipate- this is just one of the biggest things. so that’s it – that’s my conclusion.

12/29/23

second card was answer to the question “how should I be today?”

12/30/23

drew these cards after asking, “why do I keep getting financially positive cards when I’m not winning the lottery?”

I hold this image in my mind of what my identity is – like I’ve embraced shyness and introversion and whatever characteristics I keep defaulting to throughout my life, as “me.” But tonight, turning around from the passenger seat after a nice day out and looking at Hunter’s face, just experiencing his joy and the joy of him, I felt: I could become anything for him. Like the opposite of whatever I think I am- if he needed me to be it- I could rise to the challenge.

12/18/23

drew the left two cards, but the nine of cups just involuntarily flipped over while i was spreading the deck when it got “caught” on a wrinkle on my bedspread. I actually kind of like when that happens – it’s just happened once or twice to me already.

12/19/23

now approaching midcycle, those thoughts I had last week about R and no money and leaving him are not even on my radar anymore. I feel happy in our relationship and content right now and optimistic for the future. As christmas gifts, i recently got three checks from three different aunts for about $150 each, which i’m sure helped make me feel like I have a buffer and eased mental stress about finances for now, but I also feel like hormones/biology (like where i am in my cycle) play a big part in navigating my mood. also I feel like writing it out helped a lot – like to just dispel it and disperse the feeling.

12/20/23

got 4 of pentacles when asked about my diet in relation to my eczema.

got this card when i asked what Hunter needs right now.

I have to say- for how sad my bank account looks, and how superficially worried I am about money, so many of the tarot cards I’ve drawn recently (and without any specific question in mind except like “what is my card for the day?”) have to do with material gain and financial stability. Almost like my subconscious or something is trying to comfort or reassure me that everything will be OK. It’s nice. it’s nice to have that message just repeatedly coming up. I do find it reassuring. Thanks 🙂

12/21/23

  I was surprised that since like last week, the skin on my feet have started returning to normal, starting from the toes up- it’s getting thinner and smoother, back to the texture it should be – it’s definitely better and less itchy. there are still little rash spots near the tops, but it’s the body part where it was the worst, and for so long, so I feel good about this progression. No weeping at all for the past week or two, no steroid use. Only doing the supplements still and still trying to exclude dairy, egg, and grains from diet. And still trying to get good exercise and sleep, though def not getting it perfect with any of these areas: some cheese and some rice still, some days without exercise still, some bedtimes still way too late and morning risings too late. I did get a little spot in the space between my upper lip and nose these past two days which I mini-freaked about and started taking lysine again (12/23 update- it’s almost gone now), and my face still very uncomfortably itches sometimes, but still, in general, everything is better, and during/after I shower, it’s not really painful anymore: after i shower, I can lotion up, brush hair and put on clothes and be ready to hang out with R (without needing to spend an hour alone trying to calm and soothe burning skin) – this alone is a huge improvement from just a few months ago, that i’m really grateful for.

last night, I slept with R in bed. I didn’t sleep with him the night before because I was too tired. But last night was wonderful, and we didn’t even have sex. We just kept holding and holding each other in different positions as we both fell asleep, and it was heaven for some reason. The thought occurred to me as his arms were tight around me: “how is it possible to feel free wrapped so tightly in someone’s arms?” I don’t know if I’ve ever felt this way before- I think I usually felt a little trapped when boyfriends tightened their arms around me, but last night I 100 percent didn’t- it was the opposite, it was like he was freeing me. At one point I was so happy when we were laying there together that I was afraid a plane was going to crash through the wall and kill us, because of how overly-tipped the scales felt in my favor at that moment.

2nd card: got when i asked how my brother is doing

12/23/23

the set of three cards was the answer when I asked what would happen if I went out tonight. R said he’d watch the baby if I wanted a break (i did- i alone slept with baby last night and watched him by myself all morning) so i had the night free, and i was thinking of doing the kind of going out where you actually spend time on your makeup and outfit…i miss those kinds of nights, but i also wasn’t sure if i felt like putting forth the effort and had a lot of stuff to do at home, so i asked the cards. it was interesting and i also wasn’t surprised – i had a hunch it could turn out like that – ending up scattered and unfocused, given the way I was feeling (a little mad/vengeful at R) so i decided against it and stayed home. I’m not single anymore – i’m married- so…it does make sense that when I feel mad at my husband, i probably should not intricately do my makeup and put on a sexy outfit and go out alone to a bar/club/party/wander the city and “just see” what happens (which is what i was considering doing). Like i can’t deal with frustration the same way I did when I was single (which was kind of irresponsibly). I should try to face everything that really bothers me, like a grown woman.

“Listen in the darkness with all your heart, body, and soul.  This, becomes your wisdom of your body.” – Maria at Birth Song Botanicals

12/11/23

I think this thought-train was triggered by PMS- I was thinking it seriously (along with lots of crying) during the worst PMS day on 12/8-  but now two days into my cycle, when the “crazy” should have subsided (it has a little), I am still having these thoughts. They go like this: “Should I leave R because we don’t have enough money?” It looks stupid when I type it out.  Maybe it is. My reasoning: I guess no good reasons, but I have started to blame him because 1) it’s easy to do – to blame the person closest to you, like “he should be taking better care of us”; and 2) I guess when things are hard, like they are now, my first response is flight – to flee. So many times with baby, in the early months, I remember fantasizing about just leaving – leaving the torturous drudgery of on-call breastfeeding day and night with no respite. And now with money tight, I have this urge again for everything to go back to how they were when I was single/childless: simple and super controllable (esp money-wise), which it feels like it’s neither anymore (and may never be again). I feel like if things were easier financially – if it didn’t hurt so frequently to hear the cashier say the total out loud in the grocery checkout, if I didn’t have to think twice all the time recently about purchasing things I want or need – I feel like I would feel less negativity, because I really have no other complaints and I love him still. It feels like the finances is the biggest like obstacle right now, but I’m not even sure it’s right to blame him for it- which is what I’m doing, for some reason. I knew (and liked) who he was before I married him: generous with what he had, and still is. Not super-established in his profession – still working it out. Likes to indulge in food and experiences for his loved ones – he still does. And none of this has really changed since then except he’s started his own business and is trying harder than ever with it- every single day, he gets up earlier than me and finishes work much later. Plus even Saturdays sometimes, and even Sundays (though rarely). I know his ultimate goal is to make more money to support us better. I feel like the biggest activator of these thoughts is simply when I’m stressed and want everything to be simpler. But the blame, whatever the origin or motivation, has started to turn into a hardness of heart: when I’m around him these past few days, I hear accusative thoughts (that i never say out loud) form in my mind towards him, like, “You’ve made my life harder, with this baby, with this house with only one bathroom whereas in our apartment we had two…” — I don’t like this feeling – I want it to go away. I want to feel open around him and like we’re optimal teammates, which is how I usually feel when we’re together- no stagnation, no accusation- just a free-flowing, great connection. How do i…stop blaming him for where we are and how hard it is?

(be the change you wish to see) (we can do hard things.) (ask God to help)

12/12/23

12/13/23

12/14/23

12/16/23

12/17/23

Hunter just fell down and said, “Mama, I can’t balance in these pants.”

i said “why?”

He said “These pants are…too pantsy!”

(he’s not been wanting to wear pants recently and taking off his socks too)

12/5/23

so for a whole week now since last Tuesday the 28th, my foot pedal that I use for work stopped working. I would plug it into my laptop as usual, and it just didn’t register and when I pressed the pedal down- it wouldn’t play the dictations. I was on the phone with the tech person, who is really nice and had solved many of my technical problems before, for an hour or more as he had me try different things, and he logged onto my work laptop and then also my personal laptop, trying things to fix it, but he finally concluded that there was something wrong with the hardware of the pedal itself and I’m now waiting to receive a new one in the mail. so I’ve just been working without it, but about once every day since it broke, I would plug it in just to optimistically try and see if it worked- jiggle it and wiggle it- and it would, like when I was on the phone with Manny, barely register, but not enough for me to use it. it wasn’t until today before typing a particularly long dictation that I started talking to it while trying to plug it in again. It sounds crazy, but while I was plugging it in, i reasoned and pleaded with it, saying stuff like “I never mistreated you” and “I always used you properly” and stuff like this. And it was only then – after a week of trying unsuccessfully and the only difference now being that I was talking to it – that it registered enough for me to work and type a pretty long dictation. after a week of not talking to it. Just saying.

2:10 am, he turns in bed and lets out two in a row and i think: even his farts are funny. i love my husband so much.

12/6/23

so this morning, while we both were still laying there half asleep, before getting up for work, we got into and had sex. So I did not get to wake up on my own and reach for the thermometer without moving before taking my temp. So this day’s BBT record is gone too. I don’t know wtf. but I need to use some kind of good birth-control besides withdrawal because unless I have a million dollars to afford not working and taking it easy for a pregnancy, affording a night nurse, affording meals cooked and the house cleaned and childcare, we really can’t have another baby. And I can’t have another abortion. I can’t.

hair still falling out more than average it seems. It seems like more than 100 a day, and the strands seem thinner.

for the past few days, have had a huge orange juice craving. have been guzzling lots of it. it’s Thursday, and this big 52-ounce bottle we just got on Monday night is about finished- it’s just been me drinking it.

The last few days, have had a weird nauseated feeling at random moments. Every single time, I thought it was the supplements that I started taking again, (glutathione and aller-aid) doing something weird in my stomach. But tonight while getting ready for bed, and also in bed late into the night, it happened again. and tonight I felt like peeing after I had just gone twice like a half hour before. I suddenly realized, all this might mean something else.

12/7/23

since Monday, have been getting a big appetite-  like a stronger voraciousness to it than normal, I think.

hunter growing so affectionate. He’ll put his arms around you and just start planting kisses. the other week while he was doing this to me, he told me “mama, you’re so soft! and you’re so fluffy!”

since realizing last night that I might be pregnant (asked R to bring back a test for me to confirm), I keep asking myself if I think I could do it – have the baby. It would be nice to have another, a brother or sister for Hunter. but asking myself over and over, and I don’t know. I know it will be hard, and I realized that it would be both a marathon and a sprint. People usually say that things are either one or the other, but pregnancy, birth, and then postpartum and beyond- it is definitely something you have to deal with slowly continuously every day for years and years, and then also there are little emergencies- sprints- that come up all the time. It’s just totally life-encompassing. Now I know. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. As soon as I realized last night, I went online to look for the abortion pill, but when i saw it was $200 (I just had to ask R for $500 to make my credit card bill this month), i just closed that window and put my phone down. Then I was thinking of things I could do this time around that would save money, like I could have the baby at home in the bathtub to avoid the hospital delivery bill, and we already have so many toys and some clothes – there are a lot of things that we wouldn’t have to get for the first time. And if not ready, I’d be at least familiar with the process this time around, and that would maybe prevent me from becoming shell-shocked or depressed or anything after the birth- knowing what to expect. Unlike before.

being pregnant is nine months of feeling alive, then feeling dead for like two years after the birth. Could it be different the next time around?

A big question I have is, can you stay close and have a good relationship with God, despite babies? Like through all the noise and chaos of them? Is there a way to live in synchronicity with babies, so that your relationship with God is actually nurtured, rather than ignored? could he show me?

took the pregnancy test – negative

12/9/23

this week, when I had a pregnancy scare and played the lotto in the same week, I realized something: if I did have those millions of dollars, and I got pregnant, I would keep it, without many second thoughts. it would be my last baby probably. but I would love for Hunter to have a brother or sister, and I also would like to go through pregnancy and birth totally cared for this time around, with 24/7 support (midwife and doula, at-home water birth, etc.) everything I needed, everything how I pictured it. so I was a little sad that I can’t get everything exactly how I want. But who does?

got period today, at night. I think it usually comes in the morning, so that’s weird. And that also makes my latest full cycle only 24 days long – I don’t think I’ve ever had such a short one before. Things inside me must still really be off? Or maybe because of the 2 1/2 months I used birth control pills, everything is still struggling to get back on track. bc things were pretty normal before them.

12/10/23

now knew i wasn’t pregnant, but still asked the cards this tonight: “how would it be if i had another baby in the near future?” was surprised how applicable and in kind of chronological order the answer was. i like doing 3-card draws.

11/27/23

tonight was the first time I think ever in his life that baby refused nene (breast-feeding) when I offered. He had been taking a nap, but then started coughing (he’s still sick), and the coughing woke him up and he started crying and couldn’t be soothed by anything or anyone, and I offered my breast as a last resort, and he said no, he didn’t want it. wow- unprecedented. never before. I smiled and said “really?” Kind of delighted. a milestone. It turned out all he wanted to do was just go back to sleep, and he fell asleep in my arms for a few hours after that. It was really nice holding him while he slept (after we had exhausted offering him every food and toy and distraction, and finally figured out that he just wanted to go back to his nap).

11/29/23

tracking my cycle started out well, but it’s messed up now. On Sunday, Hunter still sick, he was fussy and wouldn’t let my parents take him without me. So we just planned to have me hop in the car while they drove around and he fell asleep, drop me back off and they would take him to their house. But he ended up not falling asleep, and demanding that I come over to my parents with him. so when they stopped with the engine still running, I went in and just grabbed my laptop for work real quick, and went with them, and I’ve been here the last three days- without my thermometer- forgot it. So no way to track. And then the other day, I slept downstairs instead of upstairs where I keep my thermometer, so I woke up with no thermometer. I guess I would need a thermometer for everywhere that I possibly sleep. So i’d need three. and even then, it annoys me because I want to use the same one, because what if there are discrepancies in how they measure and I’m not getting accurate measurements because I’m using different ones? it used to be so simple: I had one bed, one thermometer, single everything, solid routines. Now I’m literally all over the place.

because I’ve been at my parents for so many days, I started getting kind of hungry, because all the food that I can eat (grain free, dairy free, soy free, egg free) – they don’t eat that way here. Last night I was so hungry i went on Instacart at like midnight to get food to just tide me over for another day, and it totaled a freaking $100. before I broke down and ordered instacart, I figured was so busy I would just try my best stick to the diet but a little nibble of no-no foods here and there would not affect me much as long as i never overate and stayed a little bit hungry- it was kind of an experiment really. And it ended up that that tactic doesn’t really work, and my foot got so itchy last night that it pretty much wept- tho not all-out wept. So I really have to stick to the diet, my body is telling me, again. I think. Or was it all the dust- my severe dust mite allergy- because I did deep clean my room for the last two days. Or maybe a combination of both no-no foods and dust. Even this Korean seasoning spice paste I saw they use, it has wheat several times in the ingredients.

12/2/23

i feel like i need a second husband. to be there when the first one is working too much.

The other day, R came in while I was still sleeping and dreaming and just laid on top of me to say good morning, which I liked and we hugged, but then I heard baby downstairs and started worrying about him and thinking what I had in the fridge to make him for breakfast and lunch and stuff like this, so that when R left, I wasn’t in a calm, just-woke-up mindset anymore and forgot to take my temperature before getting up. I don’t think I’m pregnant…but it would be nice to get on track with the BBT charting again so i have some proof and support.

12/3/23

today, felt a deep relief that I haven’t felt in days when R said he would take Baby with him (to my sis-in-law’s), just the two of them, and leave me home. My relief largely came from the fact that I would be able to get a second load of laundry done, which as soon as I thought it, realized how sad that sounded, but…true. I just needed a break from caring for him (looked after him alone for most of the day yesterday).

Before I went out for a quick 5-10 min run today, I was so hungry I thought to put my food on the stove on low before I went out, so it’d be warm when I got back and I could eat sooner. But I was alone- no one home- and thought that there IS a chance something happens and I might not be back and then maybe the house would burn down, so I didn’t. If I was a man, I probably could have though.

11/19/23

had to use steroid tonight, bc feet wept a little and were raised a lot. i think it’s because have been too lax w diet last few days: eating things w egg, milk, rice/corn and when we went out to eat tonight, even had some bites of bread (wheat) and a bunch of fries (besides the usual salmon and salad). have to get back more strict to the diet and see if it gets better again. i think im gonna order one more round of alleraid and glutathione too, because I still don’t feel stable enough yet.

11/21/23

11/22/23

every day is too full – too much to do. i hear myself thinking “are you fucking kidding me” the past few days. there’s a clean load of laundry that for the whole past week, I have emptied out onto the bed with intentions to fold it at least three different times, but had to stuff it all back in (after grabbing out a few things I needed right then) because something more important happened. it’s all right now emptied on the bed for the fourth time, still waiting to be sorted and put away. I feel like I can’t really get things done in an efficient timeframe unless I’m super pissed- like PMS-level pissed, and just doing chores in a blind rage. If I go at a rate that seems normal to me, nothing gets done – every day.

11/25/23

I told R a few days ago, “I think I got my sex drive back.” I had just been looking at him, is all – not on a date or anything special, we were just in the living room with Hunter, me in my crap pj kind of clothes I’ve been living in since Hunter was born, and I just glanced over at him. but I’ve started feeling things now I haven’t felt in many, many months- if not a year or more.

this whole week, either just R and i, or i alone took care of baby, because mom got sick with some cold and couldn’t take care of him. I tried to call the sitter, but she had already made plans, and I figured since it was Thanksgiving week, I could watch him, because maybe we wouldn’t get much work in at work. but the overwhelming result of this was that I got very, very overwhelmed, and at frequent times extremely stressed out. Hunter got sick with a cough and fever mid week (and is still sick) which complicated things because it disturbed his sleep/made him wake up early or go to sleep late/made him irritable, etc. One morning, he woke up at 5 AM, like for the day. The fridge, which started out nice at the beginning of the week, is all cluttered and messed up with weird leftovers and things getting old that I haven’t had time to clean out. the laundry is so backed up: there are currently two clean loads we had to throw in the crib because I had put them on the bed to sort, but baby wanted to sleep or something came up and we couldn’t, then there’s a third clean load waiting in a hamper and a fourth load downstairs in the dryer.  And then there’s fifth and sixth dirty loads waiting to be washed. everything’s just not done and a mess. I really need and can’t wait until my parents take him again, so I can decompress. Probably R needs that too.

11/26/23

on Thursday or Friday night, we were watching Wheel Of Fortune at my parents’ house. It was one of those rounds where the letters appear one by one until someone guesses the phrase, and R guessed the phrase before even i did: “seeing a mirage.” I was really proud of him, being that English is his second language.

11/10/23

6:50 pm tonight, while running: I wonder if girls who get killed at night feel guiltier right before they die than girls who get killed during the day. Because maybe the ones who were out at night blame themselves for the time of day they chose to go out (night supposedly being the more dangerous time). (I had just binge-watched the Wildfire TV series since last night and all day, because my Amazon prime is ending today and I think I would lose the free viewing, and when I stepped out in the total darkness to finally run, got a little twinge of a scared/bad feeling, but went running anyway, because I wanted to exercise and it was cold and beautiful out, had just rained. While I was walking to the park alone in the dark, got scared because a car had a dog in it that barked right as it passed, and then inside the park, a car came around the corner right as I was going around the same corner [but we were in different lanes], and then the whole huge park was deserted while I ran except for one lone guy sitting on a bench who I didn’t see until I was just like 5-10 feet away from him, which startled me a little bit, but I just put up my hand when I went by him and kept running. obviously nothing happened because I’m back now.) But I feel like guys don’t get the same twinge of fear when they step out alone in the dark as girls do, as I do. It’s getting dark so early now- I used to be able to go out and run at 8 o’clock and it was still light out.

11/13/23

I can’t pay for all the things I want to pay for. (fx dr. appts- stopped, the expensive supplements- stopped, food/groceries – reduced…) I’ve never experienced this feeling before, of feeling so poor. it’s horrible- like a burden that’s with you day and night (I even dreamed of it). I used to always have enough.

11/14/23

was feeling lost and unsure without charting. Downloaded a BBT tracking app on phone, I think this might make it easier to chart, because not using paper (the old way).

I had a pretty good sleep last night I think. woke up with the ache in my abs that I always feel when period is here. In order to soothe the ache, I gave myself an orgasm because I read that it relaxes the muscles there. It did make me feel a little better, and I got up from bed and did not feel too bad, there was a lot of red blood, which I’m actually grateful now to see, after all the weird brown light spotting and absence of any “real” blood while I was on birth control pills. Now that I’m off it, everything about my cycle is more familiar and normal-seeming to me. Was feeling pretty good today: not too tired, appetite def slightly reduced, as usual on first day. cramps basically nonexistent (even tho bleeding is medium – was it the orgasm?), and I even went for a light run once around the track. Mood feels stable, I feel fine. I still feel like I have too much to do, but it’s more because I really have too much to do, not my mood.

11/15/23

last night, R mentioned how precociously Hunter is talking, how clearly he pronounces words, how he can’t believe it. We mulled over some reasons as to why, and at one point I said, “maybe the breast-feeding had something to do with it. it took a lot of out of me…I hope some good came from it.” I almost choked up when I was saying this, remembering how hard it was. R replied, “i’m sure it did.” And i felt reassured when he said it. But thinking about it now, i don’t know if he said it to make me feel better – to make me feel like I didn’t waste all those sleepless nights and wreck my body for nothing-  or if he really thought it was true. There’s like no test for that i think. So we’ll never know how much it helped, or what a difference it made, if any.

11/16/23

 made up a goal today, because I really don’t want to stop supplements / going to the fx med doctor- I feel like he was making me better. But right now, living paycheck to paycheck. The goal: Have at least $3,000 in savings (bills not eating into any of it) in account before starting my appts again.

Recently, like in the past two weeks, my sleep has gotten better. It went from taking an hour or even 2+ hrs to be able to fall asleep, to falling asleep a little more quickly but waking up every few hours all night, to now, which is I’m falling asleep pretty quickly AND sleeping through the night and it’s enough finally- like seven hours. I do still wake up maybe 1-2x a night to toss or turn or itch a little, but am able to go right back to sleep. This is if I’m not sleeping with anybody though- it still really bothers me if I hear or feel anyone else move – need to be alone in bed to get this best sleep. and when I wake up in the mornings now, I don’t feel like bouncing out of bed like I used to, but I do not feel half dead, which is a great improvement. I now feel like I could possibly get up and feel like a normal person, which is what I did today around 8 am. Again, a great improvement. I don’t know if it’s the supplements contributing (the aller-aid and glutathione, which i’m down to the last pills so I’ve actually cut the recommended dose in half and tapering to make it last longer, because one bottle is $60 and the other $70) or it would have happened anyway.

past week or so, hair seems to be falling out more. Finding more strands on the ground, bed and everywhere. skin is still better tho – hands and arms have smoothed down. feet neck and face still dry and sometimes bumpy, but it’s better, and haven’t had to use any steroids in weeks – meaning no weeping or anything raised enough to warrant steroid use. Which is definitely progress. Def the best thing about skin healing = less pain.

 Still trying to stay away from eggs, dairy, grain, but sometimes I let it slide: Had some Lactaid whole milk in hot chocolate the other day, added one egg to grain-free bread I baked last night (it called for two eggs), will eat a little rice if I’m too hungry and that’s all there is.

11/17/23

wow just learned kinda the most life-changing thing today in terms of daily habits: you’re not supposed to brush and mouthwash at the same time! you’re supposed to use mouthwash at a separate time from brushing. Also, you’re not supposed to rinse with water after brushing- just spit it out and leave the paste on your teeth. I always rinsed and rinsed. Though I think I might brush twice in a row now – once with rinsing to make sure no gunk is left, and then brush again right after and leave the paste on. source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7tK0UC7j88o

11/5/23

definitely PMS today. All day, alternately felt loving and tender towards Hunter, and then like killing people (not literally) all day. and something is definitely out of whack/imbalanced, because it feels a bit more severe than pre-birth control PMS. like I even ate chocolate all day and it didn’t really help.

11/8/23

in love with falling leaves. Today, bright and sunny, coming back from a run, this big yellow maple leaf floated down in front of me in the sun so that when I looked up, it looked like a shining star for a moment.

since learning more about health since starting to see the functional medicine doc (which I’ve paused for now, because running low on money, but hope to start again ASAP), I’ve gotten a little glimpse into how it is to be immunocompromised. Like with simple mold spores that are found everywhere, that don’t affect normal people, if your immune system is not functioning right, you can get an infection called aspergillosis. And even inside your body, there are deadly things residing like chickenpox and herpes virus, that never outwardly manifested on me until I did not sleep for 15 months straight, and then they “activated” and I started getting sick all the time. Like: sleep, diet, exercise, all the stuff that maintains your life force-  if you neglect these things, you’ll reach a point where dark forces can easily just take over and snuff you out. Health stuff is pretty serious.

last night with R, didn’t use a condom. He withdrew at the end, but we aren’t really sticking to the plan, which is to use a condom every single time- because that’s the safest thing to do- until he can get health insurance to get a vasectomy. But it was late at night, and we hadn’t been together in a while, and I guess we missed the feeling. The reason I let this all happen though, is because of how strongly and like 100% surely I’ve been having PMS mood symptoms, which means I’m about to get my period. And I was thinking today: even though I haven’t technically been BBT charting by taking my temp every morning, I was just thinking that after 20 years of doing it pretty religiously, shouldn’t I like… have some sort of good sense now, of when the time is safe or not? Like after 20 yrs of charting and observing my cycle, cycle after cycle- which were all pretty consistent and predictable- I should know my body, by now, without having to take the temperatures, right? The temps are just one missing factor – among multiple other factors- cervical mucus, mood, cravings, etc.- of which I can observe and still access. The temperatures would make me that much more sure, but I just don’t have the mind or energy these days to be taking my temp every single day and then dotting it on the chart and connecting all the lines and all that shit.

just yesterday, weighed myself at 99 pounds! I’m so happy about it, that I can gain weight now. I remember like last year, dropping down to 89, and being so sick. I did have a full bladder and had just eaten a lot when I weighed myself, but still, that couldn’t have added more than 1-2 lbs right? Even at 97 pounds, that’s progress and I’m happy with that too.

I feel like also, because breast-feeding is pretty much over now, that it’ll be easier for me to get back to normalcy, like a baseline again. I personally felt- and it was confirmed by the functional doctor- that breastfeeding can upset and imbalance levels of things in your body and really not help with inflammation. So i’m glad that that that big obstacle is moving out of my way and out of the picture now.

I know some people think it’s cute for a girl to be short or whatever. But this week, whenever I haven’t been able to reach something, like at Sprouts I needed tissue boxes from the top shelf, and people had taken a lot of them so only the back ones were left and I was standing on my tippy toes and even stepped up onto the bottom shelf  as a foothold, and I still couldn’t reach it…and then putting the clean drinking glasses away, I can’t reach the top shelf of the cabinet without standing on a fucking stool so the bottom shelves get overcrowded… I’m just so pissed at how many things I can’t reach. I can’t even explain how angry, because it never used to make me so angry. But this week it just did, for some reason. Like i’m inept/incapable/inefficient, and i despise feeling like that.

11/9/23

realized tonight when I went out for a run even though it was too dark out (I had been working during the day and missed the daylight slot) – instead of forcing myself to go (it felt this way from the beginning) it’s now to the point that I don’t feel good unless I go out for a run every day. like if I don’t go now, I feel like i’m really missing something.