to flee

12/11/23

I think this thought-train was triggered by PMS- I was thinking it seriously (along with lots of crying) during the worst PMS day on 12/8- but now two days into my cycle, when the “crazy” should have subsided (it has a little), I am still having these thoughts. They go like this: “Should I leave R because we don’t have enough money?” It looks stupid when I type it out. Maybe it is. My reasoning: I guess no good reasons, but I have started to blame him because 1) it’s easy to do – to blame the person closest to you, like “he should be taking better care of us”; and 2) I guess when things are hard, like they are now, my first response is flight – to flee. So many times with baby, in the early months, I remember fantasizing about just leaving – leaving the torturous drudgery of on-call breastfeeding day and night with no respite. And now with money tight, I have this urge again for everything to go back to how they were when I was single/childless: simple and super controllable (esp money-wise), which it feels like it’s neither anymore (and may never be again). I feel like if things were easier financially – if it didn’t hurt so frequently to hear the cashier say the total out loud in the grocery checkout, if I didn’t have to think twice all the time recently about purchasing things I want or need – I feel like I would feel less negativity, because I really have no other complaints and I love him still. It feels like the finances is the biggest like obstacle right now, but I’m not even sure it’s right to blame him for it- which is what I’m doing, for some reason. I knew (and liked) who he was before I married him: generous with what he had, and still is. Not super-established in his profession – still working it out. Likes to indulge in food and experiences for his loved ones – he still does. And none of this has really changed since then except he’s started his own business and is trying harder than ever with it- every single day, he gets up earlier than me and finishes work much later. Plus even Saturdays sometimes, and even Sundays (though rarely). I know his ultimate goal is to make more money to support us better. I feel like the biggest activator of these thoughts is simply when I’m stressed and want everything to be simpler. But the blame, whatever the origin or motivation, has started to turn into a hardness of heart: when I’m around him these past few days, I hear accusative thoughts (that i never say out loud) form in my mind towards him, like, “You’ve made my life harder, with this baby, with this house with only one bathroom whereas in our apartment we had two…” — I don’t like this feeling – I want it to go away. I want to feel open around him and like we’re optimal teammates, which is how I usually feel when we’re together- no stagnation, no accusation- just a free-flowing, great connection. How do i…stop blaming him for where we are and how hard it is?

(be the change you wish to see) (we can do hard things.) (ask God to help)