12/5/23
so for a whole week now since last Tuesday the 28th, my foot pedal that I use for work stopped working. I would plug it into my laptop as usual, and it just didn’t register and when I pressed the pedal down- it wouldn’t play the dictations. I was on the phone with the tech person, who is really nice and had solved many of my technical problems before, for an hour or more as he had me try different things, and he logged onto my work laptop and then also my personal laptop, trying things to fix it, but he finally concluded that there was something wrong with the hardware of the pedal itself and I’m now waiting to receive a new one in the mail. so I’ve just been working without it, but about once every day since it broke, I would plug it in just to optimistically try and see if it worked- jiggle it and wiggle it- and it would, like when I was on the phone with Manny, barely register, but not enough for me to use it. it wasn’t until today before typing a particularly long dictation that I started talking to it while trying to plug it in again. It sounds crazy, but while I was plugging it in, i reasoned and pleaded with it, saying stuff like “I never mistreated you” and “I always used you properly” and stuff like this. And it was only then – after a week of trying unsuccessfully and the only difference now being that I was talking to it – that it registered enough for me to work and type a pretty long dictation. after a week of not talking to it. Just saying.
2:10 am, he turns in bed and lets out two in a row and i think: even his farts are funny. i love my husband so much.
12/6/23
so this morning, while we both were still laying there half asleep, before getting up for work, we got into and had sex. So I did not get to wake up on my own and reach for the thermometer without moving before taking my temp. So this day’s BBT record is gone too. I don’t know wtf. but I need to use some kind of good birth-control besides withdrawal because unless I have a million dollars to afford not working and taking it easy for a pregnancy, affording a night nurse, affording meals cooked and the house cleaned and childcare, we really can’t have another baby. And I can’t have another abortion. I can’t.
hair still falling out more than average it seems. It seems like more than 100 a day, and the strands seem thinner.
for the past few days, have had a huge orange juice craving. have been guzzling lots of it. it’s Thursday, and this big 52-ounce bottle we just got on Monday night is about finished- it’s just been me drinking it.
The last few days, have had a weird nauseated feeling at random moments. Every single time, I thought it was the supplements that I started taking again, (glutathione and aller-aid) doing something weird in my stomach. But tonight while getting ready for bed, and also in bed late into the night, it happened again. and tonight I felt like peeing after I had just gone twice like a half hour before. I suddenly realized, all this might mean something else.
12/7/23
since Monday, have been getting a big appetite- like a stronger voraciousness to it than normal, I think.
hunter growing so affectionate. He’ll put his arms around you and just start planting kisses. the other week while he was doing this to me, he told me “mama, you’re so soft! and you’re so fluffy!”
since realizing last night that I might be pregnant (asked R to bring back a test for me to confirm), I keep asking myself if I think I could do it – have the baby. It would be nice to have another, a brother or sister for Hunter. but asking myself over and over, and I don’t know. I know it will be hard, and I realized that it would be both a marathon and a sprint. People usually say that things are either one or the other, but pregnancy, birth, and then postpartum and beyond- it is definitely something you have to deal with slowly continuously every day for years and years, and then also there are little emergencies- sprints- that come up all the time. It’s just totally life-encompassing. Now I know. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. As soon as I realized last night, I went online to look for the abortion pill, but when i saw it was $200 (I just had to ask R for $500 to make my credit card bill this month), i just closed that window and put my phone down. Then I was thinking of things I could do this time around that would save money, like I could have the baby at home in the bathtub to avoid the hospital delivery bill, and we already have so many toys and some clothes – there are a lot of things that we wouldn’t have to get for the first time. And if not ready, I’d be at least familiar with the process this time around, and that would maybe prevent me from becoming shell-shocked or depressed or anything after the birth- knowing what to expect. Unlike before.
being pregnant is nine months of feeling alive, then feeling dead for like two years after the birth. Could it be different the next time around?
A big question I have is, can you stay close and have a good relationship with God, despite babies? Like through all the noise and chaos of them? Is there a way to live in synchronicity with babies, so that your relationship with God is actually nurtured, rather than ignored? could he show me?
took the pregnancy test – negative
12/9/23
this week, when I had a pregnancy scare and played the lotto in the same week, I realized something: if I did have those millions of dollars, and I got pregnant, I would keep it, without many second thoughts. it would be my last baby probably. but I would love for Hunter to have a brother or sister, and I also would like to go through pregnancy and birth totally cared for this time around, with 24/7 support (midwife and doula, at-home water birth, etc.) everything I needed, everything how I pictured it. so I was a little sad that I can’t get everything exactly how I want. But who does?
got period today, at night. I think it usually comes in the morning, so that’s weird. And that also makes my latest full cycle only 24 days long – I don’t think I’ve ever had such a short one before. Things inside me must still really be off? Or maybe because of the 2 1/2 months I used birth control pills, everything is still struggling to get back on track. bc things were pretty normal before them.
12/10/23
now knew i wasn’t pregnant, but still asked the cards this tonight: “how would it be if i had another baby in the near future?” was surprised how applicable and in kind of chronological order the answer was. i like doing 3-card draws.
Marriage Journal 