11/27/23
tonight was the first time I think ever in his life that baby refused nene (breast-feeding) when I offered. He had been taking a nap, but then started coughing (he’s still sick), and the coughing woke him up and he started crying and couldn’t be soothed by anything or anyone, and I offered my breast as a last resort, and he said no, he didn’t want it. wow- unprecedented. never before. I smiled and said “really?” Kind of delighted. a milestone. It turned out all he wanted to do was just go back to sleep, and he fell asleep in my arms for a few hours after that. It was really nice holding him while he slept (after we had exhausted offering him every food and toy and distraction, and finally figured out that he just wanted to go back to his nap).
11/29/23
tracking my cycle started out well, but it’s messed up now. On Sunday, Hunter still sick, he was fussy and wouldn’t let my parents take him without me. So we just planned to have me hop in the car while they drove around and he fell asleep, drop me back off and they would take him to their house. But he ended up not falling asleep, and demanding that I come over to my parents with him. so when they stopped with the engine still running, I went in and just grabbed my laptop for work real quick, and went with them, and I’ve been here the last three days- without my thermometer- forgot it. So no way to track. And then the other day, I slept downstairs instead of upstairs where I keep my thermometer, so I woke up with no thermometer. I guess I would need a thermometer for everywhere that I possibly sleep. So i’d need three. and even then, it annoys me because I want to use the same one, because what if there are discrepancies in how they measure and I’m not getting accurate measurements because I’m using different ones? it used to be so simple: I had one bed, one thermometer, single everything, solid routines. Now I’m literally all over the place.
because I’ve been at my parents for so many days, I started getting kind of hungry, because all the food that I can eat (grain free, dairy free, soy free, egg free) – they don’t eat that way here. Last night I was so hungry i went on Instacart at like midnight to get food to just tide me over for another day, and it totaled a freaking $100. before I broke down and ordered instacart, I figured was so busy I would just try my best stick to the diet but a little nibble of no-no foods here and there would not affect me much as long as i never overate and stayed a little bit hungry- it was kind of an experiment really. And it ended up that that tactic doesn’t really work, and my foot got so itchy last night that it pretty much wept- tho not all-out wept. So I really have to stick to the diet, my body is telling me, again. I think. Or was it all the dust- my severe dust mite allergy- because I did deep clean my room for the last two days. Or maybe a combination of both no-no foods and dust. Even this Korean seasoning spice paste I saw they use, it has wheat several times in the ingredients.
12/2/23
i feel like i need a second husband. to be there when the first one is working too much.
The other day, R came in while I was still sleeping and dreaming and just laid on top of me to say good morning, which I liked and we hugged, but then I heard baby downstairs and started worrying about him and thinking what I had in the fridge to make him for breakfast and lunch and stuff like this, so that when R left, I wasn’t in a calm, just-woke-up mindset anymore and forgot to take my temperature before getting up. I don’t think I’m pregnant…but it would be nice to get on track with the BBT charting again so i have some proof and support.
12/3/23
today, felt a deep relief that I haven’t felt in days when R said he would take Baby with him (to my sis-in-law’s), just the two of them, and leave me home. My relief largely came from the fact that I would be able to get a second load of laundry done, which as soon as I thought it, realized how sad that sounded, but…true. I just needed a break from caring for him (looked after him alone for most of the day yesterday).
Before I went out for a quick 5-10 min run today, I was so hungry I thought to put my food on the stove on low before I went out, so it’d be warm when I got back and I could eat sooner. But I was alone- no one home- and thought that there IS a chance something happens and I might not be back and then maybe the house would burn down, so I didn’t. If I was a man, I probably could have though.
Marriage Journal 