11/19/23
had to use steroid tonight, bc feet wept a little and were raised a lot. i think it’s because have been too lax w diet last few days: eating things w egg, milk, rice/corn and when we went out to eat tonight, even had some bites of bread (wheat) and a bunch of fries (besides the usual salmon and salad). have to get back more strict to the diet and see if it gets better again. i think im gonna order one more round of alleraid and glutathione too, because I still don’t feel stable enough yet.
11/21/23
11/22/23
every day is too full – too much to do. i hear myself thinking “are you fucking kidding me” the past few days. there’s a clean load of laundry that for the whole past week, I have emptied out onto the bed with intentions to fold it at least three different times, but had to stuff it all back in (after grabbing out a few things I needed right then) because something more important happened. it’s all right now emptied on the bed for the fourth time, still waiting to be sorted and put away. I feel like I can’t really get things done in an efficient timeframe unless I’m super pissed- like PMS-level pissed, and just doing chores in a blind rage. If I go at a rate that seems normal to me, nothing gets done – every day.
11/25/23
I told R a few days ago, “I think I got my sex drive back.” I had just been looking at him, is all – not on a date or anything special, we were just in the living room with Hunter, me in my crap pj kind of clothes I’ve been living in since Hunter was born, and I just glanced over at him. but I’ve started feeling things now I haven’t felt in many, many months- if not a year or more.
this whole week, either just R and i, or i alone took care of baby, because mom got sick with some cold and couldn’t take care of him. I tried to call the sitter, but she had already made plans, and I figured since it was Thanksgiving week, I could watch him, because maybe we wouldn’t get much work in at work. but the overwhelming result of this was that I got very, very overwhelmed, and at frequent times extremely stressed out. Hunter got sick with a cough and fever mid week (and is still sick) which complicated things because it disturbed his sleep/made him wake up early or go to sleep late/made him irritable, etc. One morning, he woke up at 5 AM, like for the day. The fridge, which started out nice at the beginning of the week, is all cluttered and messed up with weird leftovers and things getting old that I haven’t had time to clean out. the laundry is so backed up: there are currently two clean loads we had to throw in the crib because I had put them on the bed to sort, but baby wanted to sleep or something came up and we couldn’t, then there’s a third clean load waiting in a hamper and a fourth load downstairs in the dryer. And then there’s fifth and sixth dirty loads waiting to be washed. everything’s just not done and a mess. I really need and can’t wait until my parents take him again, so I can decompress. Probably R needs that too.
11/26/23
on Thursday or Friday night, we were watching Wheel Of Fortune at my parents’ house. It was one of those rounds where the letters appear one by one until someone guesses the phrase, and R guessed the phrase before even i did: “seeing a mirage.” I was really proud of him, being that English is his second language.
Marriage Journal 