10/30/23
The mold inspector guy just left, he was really nice. He has a two year old and a six year old, and I gave him Halloween candy for them when he left. He said there is mold in the AC unit, but it’s not super serious like black mold, he said it’s just the beginning stages of some aspergillus or something. He left me with some thymol disinfectant spray, and said his boss would send me an estimate, but in the meantime, I could use the spray and discuss with R if we wanted to try to clean it ourselves. He said if they did it, they would take out the whole unit and clean it, and also check in the drywall for mold, before reinstalling. Maybe this is something R could do, if the estimate is too much. Right now he and his dad are knocking down our sunroom to build a bathroom there, so I wouldn’t put it past him.
I noticed that right after I finish a run, when I am midcycle and having egg white, the running makes it all come out. Like today, after I ran around the track two times, I felt a big splash in my undies. hopefully it’s making the toxins come out too. *11/3- haven’t missed a day running, for the past like two weeks
11/1/23
temperature has dropped dramatically, there was a freezing warning I saw on the weather icon last night on laptop. But it’s sunny. Today, a gust of wind blew and what seemed like 1000 leaves blew off the trees in the backyard, and it made me hold my breath while they all fell, it was so beautiful.
Today was one of the hardest days I’ve ever had- I don’t know why, cause i didn’t have to do anything extraordinary- i was just at home as usual. First, it was really hard to get up because of the cold in the morning- I was under three covers and shivering in the fetal position, but eventually I made myself, around 10. Then things were all right until I moved too clumsily in the kitchen and knocked a glass lid off of a pan and it shattered on the floor. A bunch of other little things like packages that I couldn’t get open and was really frustrated that I couldn’t do it the first time. A bunch of things it seems like normal people can do the first time, like opening lids and jars and plastic packages, I can’t and couldn’t, and I had to finagle with scissors and different tools to get them to open, like a clueless child. Mood-wise, mentally, almost feels like I have PMS (feel like i can’t move fast enough for all that needs to get done), but it can’t be that -I just got past mid cycle. So I don’t know what kind of imbalance this is. are my hormones still trying to balance out from the birth control? Then, when I finally had time between work and chores to clean up the shattered glass, I turned on the vacuum and a big dust plume burst out of it, and I stepped back, not wanting to get an allergic reaction. Fed up and went for a run two times on the track, which didn’t make me feel much better, because I was so frustrated from everything from before, which never happens- I usually feel better after a run. maybe I built up a tolerance and need to go three times around now instead of two. Also the last few days, I keep seeing pictures of babies whose faces or bodies look like Hunter’s, utterly demolished, killed, dead, with the Gaza and Palestinian war. I know what they’re trying to do – call attention to it and get the word out so the cease fire comes sooner – and I am 110% for it – but just seeing the images hurts me, it hurts my psyche. It hurts deeper now, because with Hunter- with my own baby now- I can relate even more what it might feel like to have harm done to my child. Also scratched my face and it hurt to today (but it wasn’t the worst). But the malfunctioning vacuum really annoyed and upset me, when I saw the dust spew out like a little volcano eruption. I don’t know what’s wrong with it, but I sprayed some allergy spray all around it and left it outside on the porch for R to fix. it kind of took my a lot of patience and calming myself to not put it all the way out to the street for the trash people to pick it up. Will ask R if he can fix it first- it’s his vacuum. just everything today felt too hard to do- ordinary things like cooking and cleaning that shouldn’t be hard for the average person- which made me feel worse about it all. And I’m worried about if I can pay my credit card again this month. Need to ask R for $1000, which will barely cover it.
11/2/23
I have this like hunch or suspicion every time I hear about new mothers, how on the surface they look placid, and even happy. My suspicion is: check on them. Support them and don’t stop until you’re sure she’s really OK. But I don’t want to like scream this from the rooftops, because maybe i’m wrong, because the only direct experience I’ve had with it is my own, and also my close girlfriend’s. But I just feel like the states of new mothers are so ignored. Even though the baby’s out now, she is still the most important person, if you think about it, because the baby needs her. he still needs her – she can’t waste away yet. and that can’t be all I was put on this earth for – just to produce him. There must be more.
I just want to feel beautiful again (and beautiful to me encompasses healthy). That’s my only goal in life now, besides other normal daily stuff. It doesn’t have to be like it was before, pre-baby, but… I want to feel comfort and ease in my body again, like I completely belong to myself. Like my aura absolutely loves me, and is embracing me all the time. God lead me.
Marriage Journal 