7/25/25

tonight in bed, Hunter said he never wanted to give away any of his toys and he wanted to keep them for 100 years. I said, “so you’ll be 103 years old and still have all your toys?” And he said a very firm “yes.”

7/29/25

“my favorite part is the next part.” – Hunter at bedtime

7/31/25

i’m staying awake so many hours of the day and night, that all the days are all just blurring together.

8/2/25

enrolled H in his first karate class for this Wednesday. idk why but in a way feel my whole life will come to some point of culmination when i see him in this class. bc of like the cuteness factor. like idk what is much cuter than super little kids in the karate uniforms. 

today it crossed my mind to wonder if anyone had ever died from childcare – from taking care of children for too long a stretch. It seemed really likely. So tired today that tired is not the word. got cold sore on upper lip and it hurts so much- it’s just one small spot, but it stings and feels like it’s bleeding but when I look in the mirror, it isn’t. It’s the second cold sore I’ve gotten in two months. I know it’s from lack of sleep and desperately need to sleep more, but staying up all night because of skin, plus work and child responsibilities, prevent me.

8/3/25

House stuff going well: just registered our new truck that’s big enough to pull the RV, have sold our grey van and the blue truck, just went under contract with the house with some buyers at a reasonable price and a general inspection is scheduled for this Tuesday. Probably just a few more steps and if they go smoothly, we’ll be closing on the house soon, moving out and officially moved into the RV. All so I can live somewhere where I can feel better and normal.

7/19/25

we’ve been in the middle of showing our house- it’s officially for sale- the past few weeks. Have gotten rid most stuff we don’t use to clear clutter. gotten into a routine of, before showings or open houses, cleaning and putting away the stray things, staying at Granny’s for however long the showing is, and then coming home and it getting a bit messy again, on repeat.  it’s a pain to do over and over, but also nice coming home to and living in a drastically-reduced-clutter house for once.

7/20/25

just kind of noticed this, like four years later: ever since Baby was born, have started texting R while we’re both at home. Just because even though we’re both home, things got so much more hectic that we can’t even be in the same room together a lot. It started with the breast-feeding and even until now, with all the stuff to do with moving and selling our vehicles and buying new ones, and the RV, all we have to do with the house, plus the baby, I’m texting him from like my room when he is just downstairs or outside. and during this, realized texting is actually more efficient than being in the same room with him and trying to talk with the baby there, because the baby likes to interrupt and get between us if we in-person talk for too long.

7/15/25

when my skin is bad and i’m alone, it’s not nearly as bad as when I’m with someone. When my skin is bad and I’m with someone, when he tries to hold my hand or just hold me, I cringe and flinch because of skin pain. it makes it so much worse because every touch is a reminder of what I can’t do. how limited i am. it’s worse.

7/19/25

Baby’s grown so much in what seems just the past few days. he’s…bigger, and taller, but more than that. the look on his face, how he gives his attention, is different and more mature. The shape of his face, his whole head. His torso is thicker, denser. his language is getting more sophisticated, he’s asking more questions about how things work and how things are made (he asked me how babies are made the other week), and playing by himself without needing us, doing different voices of his made-up characters by himself a little more. i was amazed the other night when he came back from granny’s- it seemed he’d grown 2 inches just that day.

7/8/25

I was thinking about pain as I was falling in and out of sleep. I was trying to decide if it’s good or evil. But I couldn’t- I guess like a lot of things, it depends. Emotional pain did good things for me, like made me a better person. some physical pain helped me appreciate when I got healthy again so much more. But when you’re in the midst of it, it seems pointless/like punishment. And then, with the pain of war and poverty and the like, that stuff just seems totally meaningless, like man-caused, and pain that didn’t need to happen.

7/11/25

just realized something while lying in bed this morning that made me start crying out of happiness. I think it was just a mix of it’s been on my mind all these years and then it was prompted by this morning, when our realtor was texting us and pushing me to allow earlier morning showings after I told her that my sleep is messed up and I need to sleep in to get the minimum amount of sleep a day and didn’t want to schedule earlier times. It made me start thinking about why being rushed by people deeply triggers me, like to my core makes me super uncomfortable. And then I realized it was probably the rape, because what like bigger example of being rushed into something you don’t want to do is that? then maybe when people rush me in everyday life, it subconsciously reminds me of that? And so I realized that the rape (which happened when I was 18, I am now 42) and subsequently its remedy, which I constructed years ago with R when we were still dating, are basically the fulcrum of my life issues. The remedy I constructed was that I wanted to pretend we were a couple in high school, and it was my first time. and I remember when I presented the scenario to R, he didn’t act like it was weird or anything – he like immediately accepted it and understood it, despite our both having different first languages. He was so accepting, and on the appointed day, made it really special. It was one of the most perfect and pleasurable days of my life actually, so that if I could live any of them over again, would be a top pick. We went to Atlantic City, drove to a lighthouse and explored, went out to eat: he took the lead about not rushing anything. I felt so comfortable and safe in this situation, like walking on air the whole day. The whole day, from the time he picked me up until after it was over, he pretended with me, and never broke character; he understood how important it was. I talked like a highschooler about high school things and he reciprocated and more – it even got funny at times. It was the most beautiful and slow and romantic day which left me feeling high. He actually kept stretching things out so much that it made me wonder when we were ever going to do it (the sex). I remember the ordinary activity of standing in a really long line to check in at the hotel was almost euphoric, because I was with him, because of what we were doing and I enjoyed every second of that. And even in the hotel room, he’d brought a game for us to play and everything was so sweet and I felt zero pressure and in control and I was surprised when he nudged me to be on top because that’s not how I pictured it, but looking back, was super appropriate, and I told myself that this was my first memory of losing my virginity, not the other memory, and I informed my body and my consciousness, and I replaced it. I replaced that scary memory with this good one, and this morning I realized I am now with this person and married to him- this partner who gave me a perfect assist in demolishing the most central thing i needed to demolish, no questions asked. Like such a patient as well as imaginative person, and i cried. I think if anything in our married life ever makes me mad at him again, I should just think of this huge thing he did for me. Like barring really serious stuff, basically anything he does, is forgiven. just because, even though I was the one that created this remedy scenario, he 100% showed up and went over and above what I expected and made it beautiful. It’s a big part of why I married him. he was so tender and loving with the most vulnerable version of me. I guess i had forgotten. until in an indirect way, our realtor jolted my memory. 

and probably something else I need to start doing is when people rush me, to remind myself it’s just this mundane thing they’re rushing me for, and not anything really personal. to ultimately keep my anxiety down.

*

today was feeling bad about myself because of how many difficulties my skin causes, like causing me to sleep late so that I have to decline a house showing, which I know R didn’t like, which then I feel bad about because I know he didn’t like. and so later in the day, we were getting ready to drive to my parents’, and as I was walking around the back of the truck to get in, I thought to myself, “he could just back up now and put us all out of our misery and difficulty” but as I came around the side, I looked up and my passenger door was opening; R had reached his long arm back from the driver’s seat and opened it for me, and the gesture was the total opposite (i was worth something) of how I was feeling about myself at the moment (i was worth nothing), and I felt better, and got in. little things mean so much. like in certain contexts, they can be devastating, or in this case, a lifeline. 

7/1/25

it’s like toddler parenthood is a test of how many times you can get interrupted while doing something. it takes 10 times as long to do things now because I start the thing, then get pulled in many directions and am lucky if I complete it in the same day.

even when I have hard nights, and it doesn’t feel good at all, and the weeping won’t stop for hours, like last night, I think to myself: “I’m one more night closer to healing. One more day closer.” I know it isn’t forever, because I came out of it before. In the winter, it recedes. And hopefully we find a place to move where I can live in a permanently receded state. That’s the goal.

7/4/25

4:50 pm: i’m in the bathroom and through the bathroom door, Hunter asks me to buy him mini marshmallows, then “after that, buy me water balloons.” I said OK and then I hear him run away, come back with a coin and pick the lock and open the door while I’m going to the bathroom, and is now running away laughing hysterically.

7/6/25

there’s been a lot of times now, since feet got bad in March, this collection of moments of pain i have. like moments my soul cringes and turns inward and puts its head down into my chest and is just waiting until it’s over, until the pain passes. i haven’t written about really any of them bc they’re so physically uncomfortable that i don’t want to relive it by noting them in words. but i thought i should just mention that they’re there, bc they’ve been making up a lot of these past four months. They’re there.

6/23/25

sometimes when childcare gets hard, i imagine that R and I are lab partners in a long-term, scientific, baby caretaking experiment, and it makes things feel a bit easier.

6/25/25

I want to live somewhere where we can leave the windows open all the time. Somewhere where the weather and the land around us is like a third entity, like gaining another family member. like a really beautiful place.

last night, took forever tucking Baby in again and he fell asleep late. Then I didn’t feel comfortable enough to lay down to sleep until about after 5 AM – feet still really bad, and hands getting bad again too. Woke up 7:45 for work, work meeting at 8:30, then couldn’t go back to sleep because realtor came around 10:30 and I had to put away a bunch of stuff before she came, then after she left, after about an hour meeting with her, I had work to do that had come in and it was so hard for my mind to work because I had not slept – every word I typed, I had to take it just word by word to get through the dictations, and finally finished everything I had and laid down to nap around 1:30. When I laid down, I felt such a relief to be able to sleep that I started crying a little, like pitiful-sounding very soft sobs. It reminded me of those videos of military people surprising their families that they’re home early and their families burst into tears, out of this relief from stress of being without them for so long – it kind of felt like that – like sleep was something I wanted so badly that when I finally could settle down into it, I was so happy and exhausted to meet this thing i’d been missing so long, missing hour upon hour, that I cried. I only slept a half hour, but when I woke up and saw no work had come in, went back to sleep till about 3. All day today, have had this sharp jolting pain in the back left part of my head that includes my top of my left ear, and feel slight pressure there too. Hoping it’s nothing and just from stress/sleep loss (and this heat wave), both of which I can hopefully mediate. *update 6/29: pain went away in the next day or so. 

*
i’ve had a secret dream in my heart for a while. Every time I start to hope it could come true, I back down and don’t think it’s possible, because: of my allergies, of how expensive and extra finance burden it would be for dog food and all the accessories, the lack of room we are about to have by moving into an RV, with how introverted and cat-loving I am I fear I might not be able to vibe well with one…But it’s one of my loftiest dreams. I think it would be good for Hunter too. I just don’t see how it’s possible right now, but the dream is definitely there – sitting there for awhile now in my heart, not budging. Maybe one day we’ll find each other. Definitely would adopt. 

6/26/25

I promised Baby something last weekend. I promised him I would never do it ever again, and I pray to God that I’ll keep it. It was: he was being difficult around bedtime, and kept getting out of bed and wandering into the living room while I was reading him stories and trying to get him to sleep, and it was late and I was so tired, so as he was walking out of his bedroom again, I stayed there and said, “fine, I’ll just sleep in here with daddy” and I shut the door, and he turned around and started crying, and was upset.  I opened it right away when he started crying. He told me later that it upset him, and in turn I promised I would never shut him out again. I meant it – with all my heart, I meant it. but thinking about it now, I’m scared of the many years filled with stressful-to-me times we probably still have together, paired with my gut reaction to run away/isolate when I’m overwhelmed. Can I really keep this promise? How can I make sure that I never break this promise, when it goes against my like base instincts? I guess… somehow change my instincts. Somehow turn them around.

when Hunter let me know it hurt him, I suddenly saw me shutting the door through his eyes, and how hurtful that could be to a small child with no power and no one else but his parents, and was really ashamed of myself. R would never do what I did – he’s so patient. I’m glad I chose him. 

how do you change your instincts? I think maybe…you love someone more than giving in to your first reaction. Or maybe like, you value honor more than giving into your first reactions.

*

all the words Baby says sound magical, but i noticed when he says “mama,” something else happens, something even better. he says it plainly like all his other words, but it’s like this word is singing from the inside when it leaves his mouth. It always catches my wandering attention, and sounds so beautiful. I don’t know how he says it as if chiming musical notes. I wouldn’t say it like that myself, but it’s like he WANTS to sing it every time he says it. Like he sees me as more special than I am.

6/29/25

tonight i gave Hunter some honey and he exclaimed, “It tastes so good I freak my pants out!” he kept asking for more, and then he barfed suddenly, like more than a cereal bowl’s worth of barf. He seemed fine right afterwards though.

6/16/25

The nail cutting milestone I thought I hit with Baby turned out to not be fixed one; he has to be really into the thing he’s watching for me to cut all his nails, i realized. I tried the other day and just got two big toes before he wiggled away, and these days he’s moving and wiggling and shaking and just not still at any given moment that it’s hard to find a good time to do unless he’s asleep, which is when I did it the last two times.

i feel like i can endure psychological, emotional, like heartbreak pain. I can ride the wave of that and get through pretty good. But physical pain, for me, is different. It’s harder for me. 

…but I was thinking, maybe I’m good at getting through emotional turmoil because I actually went through it, and it was really difficult, and I got to the other side so I could look back and see that I “accomplished” something. Is it the same with physical pain? Do I have to go through it and get to the other side and then looking back on it, i’m somehow better equipped to face it in the future? and how many times? Because I went through this pain for 7 months last year, and it doesn’t seem much easier this time around.

10:45 pm- Hunter just now asked me to cut the string on his balloon, even after I told him it would float up to the ceiling. so I cut it, and it floated up when he seemed to think it would come down. We couldn’t reach it and he shouted, “This is unexpectable!”

6/18/25

tonight, Hunter and i were playing and roughhousing/cuddling and he licked me on the cheek and it wasn’t the first time, and I again told him that he can’t lick people. He curled up in a ball and was upset. Then I said, “OK, you can lick me sometimes, but not all the time.” Then he started crying because he said he wanted to lick me all the time lol. I just sat there on the couch speechless because i couldn’t believe that’s what he was crying about.

have realized recently that Hunter looks to me for examples and opinions, even when they don’t come in word form. I see his eyes searching my every reaction and like recording it in his mind. I’m just so not used to this burden, of someone looking up to me for everything, and it’s a bit of a heavy responsibility, it feels. I hope I can do right by him. I hope I’m a good enough person, I hope nothing I do messes him up. 

6/20/25

every time (which is usually every night) I go to sleep around 3, I just tell myself at least it’s not 5.

yesterday, R cut a whole watermelon and sliced it up into pieces on a plate, like Jenga pieces, and ate the pieces on the outside, saying, “I’m saving the inside parts for Hunter.” I smiled and said “yeah, I do stuff like that for him too.”

6/22/25

“She talked me into taking a CPR class with her aged female friends a few years before she died. It was very touching, although I was never sure any of them could have revived a being much bigger than a Yorkie. They were entranced, so glad to be of service.”

– Anne Lamott

i love this line for some reason. “They were entranced, so glad to be of service.” when I read it today, it made me stop out of nowhere and almost cry. Seems like this part of old age is almost like being a kid again: you’re so not useful to the world in capitalist terms, yet…so precious and pure in your feelings of wonder and thankfulness to be alive.

R told me the other day that he went to check on Hunter in the morning and found him playing by himself with a stuffed bear in his bed. It melted my heart a little to imagine that, because since he was born until now, like 3 1/2 years later, there has never really been a morning where he didn’t call for us first thing when he woke up. It seems like he’s getting more independent and self-sufficient/imaginative. 

His size is 4T now, even 5T with certain brands that run small. His limbs are all longer, his legs thicker and stronger, and in his face at certain angles, i see a handsome boy mixed in with the infant roundness still present. I love him so much… i’m still in awe of how a little baby grows up into a big person. i know it’s all around me, but this one’s happening right before my eyes.

it’s rare for him to nap nowadays, like he did when he was a baby. Now, he’ll  stay up late and wake up with us around 10 AM, and stay up the whole day like a grown-up. we still drive around to try to lull him to sleep, but it doesn’t work as well as before, often not working at all.

he’s still making up words and saying them with such conviction, peppering them into real words and dialogue, and he knows that they’re gibberish, but says them like they’re totally normal and accepted, and they don’t sound like any language I’ve ever heard, and it makes me laugh so hard. i’m gonna miss this so much when he stops doing it.

tonight, I was laying back on the couch and baby was stacking pillows on top of me, then climbing up to the top. Like ALL the pillows available, and I said, “how about just one or two pillows?” And he kept repeating, “no! not one or two. Fifty hundred!” and screaming and laughing and piling them up and climbing and squashing me under him. sometimes I’m in the middle of something like this and just think to myself, “I can’t believe this has to end someday.” some things I really wanted to end, like breast-feeding. Other things, I wish could go on forever.

6/10/25

One of the funniest things Hunter currently does: will suddenly yell out, “oh yeah, baby!” at seemingly random, unprovoked and irrelevant times. i think he gets it from this kid Calvin he watches on youtube. 

6/12/25

had a difficult night last night. Hunter is in this routine now where he doesn’t fall asleep till midnight or 1 AM, then gets up around 10 am. I read so many books to him, book after book after book and then half of a book with long stories on each page, but he was still awake after each one. I just kept pushing myself to get into it and read and just continue, keep going, and finally he was asleep. But it was so late, 1 AM, and I went upstairs and took my socks off and my feet were a bit bad and hurting, and I didn’t lay down in bed until 5 AM.

6/14/25

“shdjfhfjfbhdndhfhfbcnf xbcbb v b bb b v b bbxbxbbcvbcb bc. b vcbchcbdhjfofodepieieudhfhfhxvbbz.    hdudbdhhzdhhxhxhxgxgxhxhxbxhxbxbxjxiewywysjsiwoododidudhsyhshshhhxgxg”

“you’re so PRIG-lyled!!”

-Hunter (he shouts made-up words, and with such confidence)

6/15/25

I let myself splurge on this perfume bc it’s my birthday, it was like $50. I like it, but every time I put it on, Hunter says, “you smell like poo.” two different times now, he’s said the same thing. lol

last night, Hunter went out with R and in the car fell asleep really early, around 6:20, so i thought it was just a nap. When he kept sleeping for the next 4 hours, i thought maybe he would just sleep all the way through the night and said to R, “oo, i’ll go to sleep early then.” Then he woke up around 10, when he should have been going to bed. He eventually asked for stories and I thought he might just fall back asleep for the night after a few. But it turned into a marathon in which i couldn’t see the end. around midnight, i finally asked, are you hungry? and he said yes and we went to the kitchen. He ended up not falling asleep for the night until after 1 am. Then i got ready for bed, it was about 2 am. Then feet took me hours- it was about 7 am when i was ready enough to sleep (they still hurt, but would have to do). but then realized my instacart grocery order (with a bunch of frozen stuff) was arriving at 8 and i should stay up to bring it in, bc H and R i knew wouldn’t be up for hours after that and things would melt. So a bit after 8, brought everything in, put urgent stuff away, went to sleep finally, exhausted. Woke up around 10:30 am to H and R’s morning noises downstairs. Did not feel completely beat down and wanted to help R (though if baby wasn’t home, 100% would have stayed in bed), so i got up, went down, cuddled bubba, helped, sat, ate. Tiredness started setting in afterwards, but mom invited us over to eat at 1 pm, and my decision making brain area was shot, so when R asked if i wanted to go, i mumbled indecisively and we ended up saying yes, and i was staring off into space a lot bc my brain felt so tired, i didn’t really want to go but we were going, the boys were in the truck already, i felt terrible but draped a literal bedsheet over my head and around me (still in pjs) and got in, feeling rushed, feet stinging and hurting, feeling like life had me by the horns and was pulling me wherever it wanted at whim, again at the point wondering if i would’ve chosen this life had i known it would be like this- hurt this much- and started crying hard, hunched over and completely covered in the passenger seat. i could, because H couldn’t see me from the back, and neither could R because of how draped in blankets i was. i sobbed quietly and hard and used the blanket to wipe my eyes, and it was only for maybe 2 minutes, then it was over, and i felt better. like for the rest of the day. i was still zombie-tired the whole day, but after the hard, short cry, felt more at peace. 

5/31/25

Today was the second time in two weeks that Hunter with his spasmodic, energetic toddler movements, suddenly threw his head back and hit my lip so hard it bled. 

6/2/25

if Hunter had a sibling, they would have their own sibling world together and that would be nice, if we could afford it. but i was thinking: this is really sweet too, the three of us. It’s like we’re this one unit, and R & I get to grow up from childhood, all over again. I like the dynamic of us all growing up together. 

6/6/25

hands a little worse after getting a little better, but still not as bad as before, initially.

6/8/25

why did I last night, after waiting for hours for the husband I usually love so much to come home after a night of drinking and he’d stopped responding to my texts and call (he’d fallen asleep at the friend’s but i thought he was headed home, i stayed up all night waiting), did I get the fleeting wish in my mind that maybe he got pulled over while driving and arrested and would be deported, so I could start all over again? with someone more responsible and rich, is what i thought. is there an evil inside me – what a terrible thing to think of someone i should be loving and protecting- why was I thinking those things? Or is it just an extreme anger that is triggered by something.. maybe a major trigger issue I have (vagueness/skirting responsibility/insensitivity in a partner)? Or is there just something I really want currently that I’m not getting with him, so i want an easy out? when I was wishing it, just for a few seconds, my heart longed to experience the romance and excitement of finding new love again. I can’t have both, I feel, it seems. I can’t have the level of romance and passion I want AND have a long-term marriage w/a kid at the same time – it’s like the duties of one situation cancels out the other. It’s like this is the choice: “do you want to stay married, or do you want a life of adventure and freedom and spontaneity? and you can’t have both.” and I long for both equally. I wanted a life of freedom way earlier in life than i wanted marriage, but still, at this moment, i want both. I do love him, and chose him for so many reasons. And maybe this is just a season- a very burdensome responsibility-laden season- because we have a young kid, and it will pass, and things will become more light and magical again? Maybe just being sick with my feet and being sleep deprived, being angry at his vagueness on when he would be returning, the burden of caring for the baby, and concern of our big move and selling the house coming up all factored into this (I’m sure). like it all culminated into a point of overwhelm where my reaction was extreme distancing myself from him, rather than love or concern or something positive. I don’t know how to change that- I feel like my first reaction is always to distance when I’m hurt or overwhelmed. Maybe I don’t truly in my heart wish what I wished: i don’t think on nearly anywhere near those lines – i think totally opposite those lines, outside of an extreme anger state – so maybe it was more like a mental defense mechanism to distance me from the problem – kind of an easy way out from the stress of it, as opposed to staying in it and trying to solve all the issues brought up by the situation. But i got scared right after i thought it, that i might make it come true just by thinking it. I cried really hard before going to bed this morning at about 11 AM. Yes, not p.m. – 11 a.m., because he got home around 9 am and only then could i leave baby to go through my feet routine that i need to, to be comfortable enough to sleep. I cried out of guilt and confusion, frustration and exhaustion. I asked God to please help me, over and over, as i cried. I want to understand myself, i want to treat my loved ones with love and respect and always do the best thing, but i just feel like something’s messed up, and I don’t know what to do because I can’t really pinpoint what it/they are yet. 

5/25/25

hands getting a little better; feet still bad.

5/26/25

hit a great milestone today with baby. i just cut ALL his fingernails and toenails in one sitting, while he was awake, without really any resistance. it was when he was watching some lego pirate video on youtube. I had tried it the other week, but couldn’t get everything before he ran away. but if it’s all forward motion now, that means no more having to stay up late waiting to clip them after he’s asleep 🙂 After 3 1/2 years, finally.

5/29/25

one of the most romantic things ever said to me:

this guy i’d seen pretty sparingly and sporadically over the years, before R and i were serious, we’d last run into each other at reading terminal market. then sometime later, i don’t remember where we were, i just remember this thing he said. He mentioned he’d broken up with his current girlfriend. He said it was because (this quote won’t be exact bc it was maybe 7 years ago), “I realized that…the feeling I get when I see you walking towards me- that’s the feeling you’re supposed to get for the person you’re dating.” He didn’t force anything more, didn’t proceed to ask me out or anything like that (we never dated, only hung out a few times) – like it was just something he wanted me to know. At the time when he said it, it embarrassed me a little and i felt like it was maybe an over-the-top thing to say. But afterwards, and ever since…it brings me a sweetness to remember. I think about it especially when i’m longing…for something, i don’t know what. To hold onto something i don’t want to lose.