a lifeline

7/8/25

I was thinking about pain as I was falling in and out of sleep. I was trying to decide if it’s good or evil. But I couldn’t- I guess like a lot of things, it depends. Emotional pain did good things for me, like made me a better person. some physical pain helped me appreciate when I got healthy again so much more. But when you’re in the midst of it, it seems pointless/like punishment. And then, with the pain of war and poverty and the like, that stuff just seems totally meaningless, like man-caused, and pain that didn’t need to happen.

7/11/25

just realized something while lying in bed this morning that made me start crying out of happiness. I think it was just a mix of it’s been on my mind all these years and then it was prompted by this morning, when our realtor was texting us and pushing me to allow earlier morning showings after I told her that my sleep is messed up and I need to sleep in to get the minimum amount of sleep a day and didn’t want to schedule earlier times. It made me start thinking about why being rushed by people deeply triggers me, like to my core makes me super uncomfortable. And then I realized it was probably the rape, because what like bigger example of being rushed into something you don’t want to do is that? then maybe when people rush me in everyday life, it subconsciously reminds me of that? And so I realized that the rape (which happened when I was 18, I am now 42) and subsequently its remedy, which I constructed years ago with R when we were still dating, are basically the fulcrum of my life issues. The remedy I constructed was that I wanted to pretend we were a couple in high school, and it was my first time. and I remember when I presented the scenario to R, he didn’t act like it was weird or anything – he like immediately accepted it and understood it, despite our both having different first languages. He was so accepting, and on the appointed day, made it really special. It was one of the most perfect and pleasurable days of my life actually, so that if I could live any of them over again, would be a top pick. We went to Atlantic City, drove to a lighthouse and explored, went out to eat: he took the lead about not rushing anything. I felt so comfortable and safe in this situation, like walking on air the whole day. The whole day, from the time he picked me up until after it was over, he pretended with me, and never broke character; he understood how important it was. I talked like a highschooler about high school things and he reciprocated and more – it even got funny at times. It was the most beautiful and slow and romantic day which left me feeling high. He actually kept stretching things out so much that it made me wonder when we were ever going to do it (the sex). I remember the ordinary activity of standing in a really long line to check in at the hotel was almost euphoric, because I was with him, because of what we were doing and I enjoyed every second of that. And even in the hotel room, he’d brought a game for us to play and everything was so sweet and I felt zero pressure and in control and I was surprised when he nudged me to be on top because that’s not how I pictured it, but looking back, was super appropriate, and I told myself that this was my first memory of losing my virginity, not the other memory, and I informed my body and my consciousness, and I replaced it. I replaced that scary memory with this good one, and this morning I realized I am now with this person and married to him- this partner who gave me a perfect assist in demolishing the most central thing i needed to demolish, no questions asked. Like such a patient as well as imaginative person, and i cried. I think if anything in our married life ever makes me mad at him again, I should just think of this huge thing he did for me. Like barring really serious stuff, basically anything he does, is forgiven. just because, even though I was the one that created this remedy scenario, he 100% showed up and went over and above what I expected and made it beautiful. It’s a big part of why I married him. he was so tender and loving with the most vulnerable version of me. I guess i had forgotten. until in an indirect way, our realtor jolted my memory. 

and probably something else I need to start doing is when people rush me, to remind myself it’s just this mundane thing they’re rushing me for, and not anything really personal. to ultimately keep my anxiety down.

*

today was feeling bad about myself because of how many difficulties my skin causes, like causing me to sleep late so that I have to decline a house showing, which I know R didn’t like, which then I feel bad about because I know he didn’t like. and so later in the day, we were getting ready to drive to my parents’, and as I was walking around the back of the truck to get in, I thought to myself, “he could just back up now and put us all out of our misery and difficulty” but as I came around the side, I looked up and my passenger door was opening; R had reached his long arm back from the driver’s seat and opened it for me, and the gesture was the total opposite (i was worth something) of how I was feeling about myself at the moment (i was worth nothing), and I felt better, and got in. little things mean so much. like in certain contexts, they can be devastating, or in this case, a lifeline.