6/23/25
sometimes when childcare gets hard, i imagine that R and I are lab partners in a long-term, scientific, baby caretaking experiment, and it makes things feel a bit easier.
6/25/25
I want to live somewhere where we can leave the windows open all the time. Somewhere where the weather and the land around us is like a third entity, like gaining another family member. like a really beautiful place.
last night, took forever tucking Baby in again and he fell asleep late. Then I didn’t feel comfortable enough to lay down to sleep until about after 5 AM – feet still really bad, and hands getting bad again too. Woke up 7:45 for work, work meeting at 8:30, then couldn’t go back to sleep because realtor came around 10:30 and I had to put away a bunch of stuff before she came, then after she left, after about an hour meeting with her, I had work to do that had come in and it was so hard for my mind to work because I had not slept – every word I typed, I had to take it just word by word to get through the dictations, and finally finished everything I had and laid down to nap around 1:30. When I laid down, I felt such a relief to be able to sleep that I started crying a little, like pitiful-sounding very soft sobs. It reminded me of those videos of military people surprising their families that they’re home early and their families burst into tears, out of this relief from stress of being without them for so long – it kind of felt like that – like sleep was something I wanted so badly that when I finally could settle down into it, I was so happy and exhausted to meet this thing i’d been missing so long, missing hour upon hour, that I cried. I only slept a half hour, but when I woke up and saw no work had come in, went back to sleep till about 3. All day today, have had this sharp jolting pain in the back left part of my head that includes my top of my left ear, and feel slight pressure there too. Hoping it’s nothing and just from stress/sleep loss (and this heat wave), both of which I can hopefully mediate. *update 6/29: pain went away in the next day or so.
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i’ve had a secret dream in my heart for a while. Every time I start to hope it could come true, I back down and don’t think it’s possible, because: of my allergies, of how expensive and extra finance burden it would be for dog food and all the accessories, the lack of room we are about to have by moving into an RV, with how introverted and cat-loving I am I fear I might not be able to vibe well with one…But it’s one of my loftiest dreams. I think it would be good for Hunter too. I just don’t see how it’s possible right now, but the dream is definitely there – sitting there for awhile now in my heart, not budging. Maybe one day we’ll find each other. Definitely would adopt.
6/26/25
I promised Baby something last weekend. I promised him I would never do it ever again, and I pray to God that I’ll keep it. It was: he was being difficult around bedtime, and kept getting out of bed and wandering into the living room while I was reading him stories and trying to get him to sleep, and it was late and I was so tired, so as he was walking out of his bedroom again, I stayed there and said, “fine, I’ll just sleep in here with daddy” and I shut the door, and he turned around and started crying, and was upset. I opened it right away when he started crying. He told me later that it upset him, and in turn I promised I would never shut him out again. I meant it – with all my heart, I meant it. but thinking about it now, I’m scared of the many years filled with stressful-to-me times we probably still have together, paired with my gut reaction to run away/isolate when I’m overwhelmed. Can I really keep this promise? How can I make sure that I never break this promise, when it goes against my like base instincts? I guess… somehow change my instincts. Somehow turn them around.
when Hunter let me know it hurt him, I suddenly saw me shutting the door through his eyes, and how hurtful that could be to a small child with no power and no one else but his parents, and was really ashamed of myself. R would never do what I did – he’s so patient. I’m glad I chose him.
how do you change your instincts? I think maybe…you love someone more than giving in to your first reaction. Or maybe like, you value honor more than giving into your first reactions.
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all the words Baby says sound magical, but i noticed when he says “mama,” something else happens, something even better. he says it plainly like all his other words, but it’s like this word is singing from the inside when it leaves his mouth. It always catches my wandering attention, and sounds so beautiful. I don’t know how he says it as if chiming musical notes. I wouldn’t say it like that myself, but it’s like he WANTS to sing it every time he says it. Like he sees me as more special than I am.
6/29/25
tonight i gave Hunter some honey and he exclaimed, “It tastes so good I freak my pants out!” he kept asking for more, and then he barfed suddenly, like more than a cereal bowl’s worth of barf. He seemed fine right afterwards though.
Marriage Journal 