2/24/25

Hunter last night, amid a flurry of kid-talking and spouting just all the information it seemed that he had learned in the past few days and also in his lifetime, naming superheroes, etc., in the middle of all of it, at bedtime in bed, he said (very randomly), “do you not want me to die?” And I was caught off guard, of course. I said “of course I don’t want you to die!” and he said “but I’ll get old?” And I said “Yes, we all get old.” And then he went back to talking about more kid-like stuff. 3 years old. Shocked me a bit.

2/27/25

started taking this pollen distress homeopathic spray 3x a day, since pollen has started again. have not stopped celery juice in the mornings, and incorporated a few other Medical Medium things into routine (lemon balm tea almost daily, starting spirulina, eating more fruit). we’ll see if it’s enough to stop the feet disaster recurring. i hope so; its been so nice. so nice not having to deal with it these past like 2 months. last year, it started getting bad in May, so maybe this head start will help too.

love was the big secret. -Life

i wonder how many accidents w kids have occurred because their mom was too stressed and tired. That’s when all of mine occurred: when he was an infant, I let him fall from the bed in a desperate moment of needing to finish my work, so brought him to bedroom and ran to next room to get laptop real quick, and didn’t realize he would crawl fast after me. I was caught between doing my work and taking care of him by myself and extremely stressed, with no help at the time. Then the next time was also when I was taking care of him by myself, that time just a little while ago when I was tired in the morning and almost gave him oil of oregano instead of his multivitamin dropper. And then today- I’m still tired and not sleeping 100%, but wanted to make sure he got some good stuff in him before he left for granny’s, so in the early morning rush, gave him some lemon balm tea from the stove and didn’t realize until after they left, that it had been sitting out all night and was a few days old (though I had kept it in the fridge nightly). I wonder how much better the world would be if mothers got more help. More help and support.

3/2/25

i’ll try to explain what happened today: it was morning. R was making a pizza for breakfast. He had a premade frozen crust and was adding stuff on top. Hunter was helping, they added tons of cheese, red sauce, deli sliced roast beef, other stuff. I wanted to add some mushroom powder but Hunter didn’t want it, so I just added it to my little “piece” of the pie, and he was OK with that. I chopped up some green celery leaves to add, but R asked “are they bitter though?” and i responded, “not really…but bitter things are good for you” But I took that to mean that he didn’t want it, so I wasn’t going to put it. I left the pile of chopped leaves on the cutting board. I asked R what temperature the oven should be, and he didn’t know- he was just going to wing it, which unnerved me because I felt it might ruin the pizza, so he fished out the package from the trash and read it to me, it was like 375. I thought it would be like 500, so I’m glad he read it. then before it went in the oven, he said, “you forgot to add your stuff”, gesturing to my chopped leaves. Which I took to mean that I could add it. So I took a handful of it and sprinkled it over the pizza. Hunter saw it, and started making a big deal of it. He started loudly whine-crying like “I don’t want the green stuff on the pizza, take it off!” And he did it for a long time, over and over, and it started grating on both our nerves i think, but I wanted the nutrition for all of us, and I thought when it came out, it would’ve all been cooked and might not matter that much to him anymore, so I took my chances and said, “I’ll take it off after it comes out of the oven”, just to buy myself more time and see if he would eat it when he saw it all pretty and cooked down. Right in the middle of this whining, R went out to the bank and came back. didn’t try to help at all- it seemed a weird time to just leave, but fine. So I thought everything was fine and the oven started beeping that the pizza was done, and I was doing something for Hunter and said to R “is the pizza ready?” And he said I don’t know and seemed to not want to deal with it. so I eventually took the pizza out, and it looked really good because of all the toppings, and my sprinkling of chopped leaves had cooked down and melted with the layers and layers and layers of greasy cheese they put. After it had sat there for a few minutes untouched, I asked, a little annoyed, “is anyone going to eat this pizza?” to which R replied, “it’s your pizza now.” He said because I put the chopped leaves on it. I said, “you told me I forgot to add my stuff” and he said “I thought you were just gonna put it on your piece, not all around.” Nobody wanted it now, he said. And I said, “OK, I’ll take them off” and started picking tiny no-longer-green pieces off one by one with my fingers and R said, “he told you he didn’t want them. he told you to take them off before you put it in the oven.” This made me mad on a few levels (since when does our toddler’s demands also verbatim speak for you, the adult? because R never said he didn’t want them. was just silent the whole time Hunter cried about it). I scooped up the pizza in my hands- the whole heavy untouched pizza with mostly cheese (actually too much cheese for me, but I didn’t complain) and just a sprinkling of 1. mushroom powder that disappeared upon contact and 2. green leaves- both ingredients intended to halt sickness and extend the life of my two loved ones- and hovered it over the automatic trashcan, and the lid opened, and I was between them both, and I said, “should I just throw this out then?” And they both jumped up incredulously and were like “no no!” And I asked, “are you going to eat it? Because if you’re not going to eat it, I’ll just throw it out. i don’t want it just sitting there for days.” And they both said “no no don’t throw it out, we’ll eat it!” And I got even madder and looked at R and said “so you ARE gonna eat it? because you just said you’re not gonna eat it.” I said, “are you going to eat it or are you not going to eat it?” And he said that he would eat it, going back on what he just said before- that no one wanted it. Which the inconsistency/dishonesty pissed me off even more (if that was even possible) and when they were in the living room (without any pizza – it was getting cold by now), I put the pizza back on the sheet pan and literally threw the sheet pan back in the oven. it made the loudest shrill banging noise, which satisfied me in the moment because I was so angry, but looking back, I shouldn’t have done- there wasn’t any other point of doing that other than to let out my frustration, and it maybe scared them. But I was super mad after that, and didn’t look at R for the rest of the day, and in the kitchen i squatted down and cried hard and covered my face, and went upstairs to my room and cried really hard for what seemed like a long time. And strangely, during the crying, I realized something, it kind of just came to me: I know the point of all those lover dreams i’ve been having. I miss the romance between me and R. When I think about the sex recently/since baby, it’s so like…perfunctory? I feel more like a robot or a machine than a person lucky to be alive on this earth. He gives me some signal, and I know his signals, and I try to give him what he wants if I’m not too tired. it’s a very predictable process with zero surprises, and that’s just how it is because we don’t have time and we don’t have real money or energy really other than to take care of this baby. So like the dating and romance and stuff we did before, it seems impossible now to do. so I have a kind of problem like, I need this romance in my life, and ideally, I want it from my husband. But how can you have uncertainty and mystery in a relationship where you live with the person and have such close ties with them because you’re taking care of this little baby? Like we know each other’s schedule, we know basically everything that’s going on with the other one, because we have to coordinate. So he can’t show up spontaneously somewhere where I am, which I would love. I would love for my romantic dreams to be fulfilled by him, because I love him and there are definite reasons I chose him, both external and personality-wise. Like I love him the most out of any man that I know. But I just don’t see how he could cross this bridge to what I’m dreaming of. because there’s no bridge for him to cross, because we’re on the same side: how can he go from helping me dump a training potty full of stinking baby shit into the toilet, to also like, showing up at a dark sexy music show where I am and romancing me? Because I would’ve had to tell him where I was, and he would’ve already known, we would’ve had to get a babysitter, etc.

At least, even though I don’t have the solution, I figured out the problem: How can I have romance and mystery with someone so close to me? also starting to feel a little desperate, like i’m running out of time in real life to have these moments I dream of, because it’s getting warm and the pollen’s started- I’m afraid to be disabled again for a long time. I feel like: if I’m gonna be in pain again for a long time, at least give me some nice memories to hold onto. Give me some beauty before I’m shoved into day and night, nonstop ugliness.

2/16/25

I realized when I’m most peaceful and happy is when I’m alone, and it’s quiet, and I’m warm and comfortable, with no demands on me. So it makes sense that I’m so stressed most of the time, because having a toddler is very messy and unpredictable and loud and full of responsibilities. and I get cold a lot from not enough sleep. I do find moments of super contentment and super happiness and joy when with him- I know unlike anything I could’ve experienced alone, without him. But just my core personality I think is not naturally suited to childrearing, I guess. at least that’s how it feels. at the same time, I feel like he’s totally my baby and I’ve been waiting for him all my life. I love every word that comes out of his mouth. I love how his words can be so absurd and seemingly disconnected, while at the same time I get consistently surprised by his intelligence and insight and logic. tonight he ran out of his bedroom, away from his dad who was trying to get him to sleep, for the second time (the first time he asked for apple juice). This time, he said, “mama, I have a question for you.” I said “what?” He said simply, “I farted.” I said “that sounds like a statement, not a question.” And then he turned it into a question like “well, I farted, does that mean I have to poo?” I could see the whole time he was strolling around the kitchen that he was just stalling, trying not to go to bed. But it was so funny that I couldn’t scold him or anything. I just wanted to crack up.

hit milestone today with Baby. It was that I was able to take a shower while being the only one watching him. I could never do that before since the day he was born, and he’s three now. It was the first time. I noticed that there’s a window of opportunity in the morning around breakfast time – he gets really into watching Bluey, so he’s pretty distracted. And I let him know I was gonna take a shower, and I popped my head in afterwards and waved to him and said I would be upstairs changing now, and then come right down. But it just felt so freeing. Like I was becoming free.  i definitely breathed a relief somewhere, being able to do that. and I think that small time period was really my only chance. Because he gets more bored and restless and needing more attention as the day goes on, and thinking back over the rest of the day, there’s not really any other time I could have done it, because he wanted to play and engage with me too often the whole rest of the day. A lucky day, and things are getting easier compared to infanthood. And the two times he pooped today, he even did them in the potty, so I didn’t have to wipe a poo-smeared butt today. It was really nice to wipe a baby butt that had hardly any poo on it at all. his potty status- he’s kind of in between, still using diapers overnight and during the day when we’re out, and still at home too. but, there are several days now I’ve stayed home all day with him, and let him wear pants with no diaper at all, and he will independently and consistently know when to go to the potty and not have many accidents.

2/17/25

I had the most incredible-feeling dream. but I guess the sad part is that R wasn’t a part of it. It was that I met some guy where we were talking, just chatting, and said exactly the same thing at the same time suddenly (something about hating the predictability of horror movies) and it felt super intimate and ever since then he was after me.  we were both married, and I knew I would never cheat on my husband, but the whole dream was all these subsequent very sensual, playful, romantic encounters, where he was trying to get me alone, and I was trying to resist even though I liked him. I don’t know why I dream like this- it’s not the first time. Do I subconsciously feel like some adventure or some aspect of romance is missing? Because in real life, I don’t really want the complication of a relationship outside of my marriage. I’m pretty sure I don’t have the time or energy (or morality) to entertain an extramarital relationship, and I don’t think about it during the daytime at all. So I don’t completely understand what the message is here. I can only say how it felt in the dream I guess. It just felt fun. Exciting. bordering magical. I love feeling intensely desired by someone. are these dreams just psychological resistance against the super mundaneness of raising a child?

hit another milestone w baby yesterday. didn’t need to cut his nails while he was sleeping. he endured me cutting BOTH his fingernails and all his toenails. it was while he was watching Bluey, which he gets distracted by, but still, was able to get it done early at night instead of waiting until he was like a 1/2 hr-1 hour into sleep, which is what i had done every single time before, since he was an infant.

it’s weird, I will suddenly get thoughts I am so sure of. it’s always about the afterlife. The other day, it suddenly occurred to me that when people pass, it’s like they’ve just moved to the side- to the carpeted part of the rollerskating rink. They’ve just moved from rollerskating in the actual rink, to sitting down or standing on the sidelines, but they can still watch us. They can still communicate and see. they still love us and want what’s best for us. It’s just that we are the ones being tested and on display now, that have to give it our best effort- not them anymore- they’re relieved of those duties.  I had a similar thought a while ago when I was watching my parents through the glass door to the backyard.

2/20/25

after having the a2 milk a lot, i’ve noticed the same indigestion symptoms I would get with regular milk, are returning now. So maybe it wasn’t a miracle.

been listening to a lot of Medical Medium podcasts. He was talking about the emotional and spiritual benefits of honey, of mango. At first the concepts seemed foreign to me. but then i thought about how i felt when i ate those things, and was like, “huh.” and then i was thinking- we attribute all these spiritual effects to rocks- like stones- like the psychic power of quartz, of amethyst. Why wouldn’t something so magical, that starts as a tiny seed and blossoms into something delicious you can eat- fruits- why wouldn’t these living things hold similar or greater power?

2/23/25

i keep dreaming the same thing. different situations in which i am semi-isolated and then a lover is there who comes out of the woodwork to one-instance, single-handed, immersively love me. and never sex. just these super tender, fully clothed, yet peak-of-intimate gestures which feel like they complete my world and I need nothing else. what does it mean?

this morning’s was: i was in some kind of crowded study hall, studying/lots of paperwork. i remember reading over at least three full pages of something and feeling physically exhausted afterwards. it was wee hours of the morning, in this dream, with all the students dozing around me i think. i thought i was the only one still up. i knew i should go all the way back up to dorm and into proper bed, but was so tired that, at the table and still on a high stool, i turned with my back to the table and just laid the back of my head on a book on the table and closed my eyes, and felt my profile and my chest and arched back prominent against the low light, and was going to sleep that way, when S (a former lover irl) stood up from the shadows and silently put his arms hungrily and tenderly around me, and that was the pinnacle of the dream. the whole rest of the day when i was awake, during boring moments, i kept remembering the dream, going back to it and trying to remember the feeling from those peak moments.

2/5/25

thank you for protecting me throughout my life. Thank you for not letting me get seriously hurt or kill myself, and thank you for keeping anyone from killing or seriously injuring me. I pray, God, please protect my son, as you did me. If he one day feels called to search, explore, discover far away from me, may his journey be beautiful and fruitful. But God, keep him from harm. Protect him, pass this shining luck I had while out in the world doing risky things, onto him. May he be richly blessed all his life. Amen.

2/10/25

read something today that impacted me: was reading about Saint Martin de Porres, that he regarded all work as sacred. Like even the menial stuff- everything. 

Also pretty cool, read that he was praying so hard that the step he was kneeling on burst into flames and he didn’t even notice.

“…going out to speak to the moon and to gaze at the sunrise are valid spells.” – Mandi Em

I think I realized the line between indulging in too much junk food and not. It’s like: there’s a good zone, where you are being kind and treating yourself- being sweet to yourself. and then there’s this danger zone of you’re eating so much of it that it’s actually NOT being kind to yourself. And when I check in with myself, I can see pretty clearly where this line is. Like there’s a difference. most everything you ingest should be healthy i think, but then sometimes you just need comfort and sweetness. But just sometimes. Not all the time. I feel like if you feel you need sugar or stimulants or alcohol all the time, then it indicates something emotional or something else, going on. because junk food, by definition, is not anything you need to survive or that will best sustain you. like if i love and respect myself, i should be eating things that have my best interests at heart. It’s just tricky to make those things taste good sometimes. i’m still working on making veggies and fish taste really good. but it’s not hard to make meat or eggs taste good.

8:57 just now, i said to Hunter: “i love you!”

Hunter in reply: “and i love my Ironman glove!”

2/11/25

just realized: if you don’t want Hunter to do anything out of fear, then YOU can’t do anything out of fear.

2/12/25

it’s 11:04 PM and Hunter is on the couch watching Bluey and eating the steak and sausages and potatoes he requested that we cook. he had breakfast and a decent amount for lunch- almost a whole piece of salmon and snacks and fruit and had been grazing ever since, so I thought around 10:30 after he had stopped eating fruit that he was full enough, and brushed his teeth really well. then like 10 minutes later, he requested all this food.  couldn’t believe he wasn’t going to bed yet.

2/13/25

“…by nurturing this connection you honor the spark of wild divinity in you.” -Mandi Em

today when we woke up, I turned to Hunter and asked him what he dreamed. He said “oh! I dreamed that you got me a mixer that you could mix things, and also an Ant-man mask and Ant-man suit” and seemed very happy and excited remembering the dream. I said, “I love that dream!” I’d just woke up from a little bit of a disturbing dream, so I didn’t offer mine, but he asked. what I dreamt was that R was driving a big tractor trailer with me in passenger seat and he stopped at a red light and jumped out as soon as he stopped to get something from the back, but took so long that the light turned green, and I didn’t want to hold up traffic, so I jumped in the driver seat and pulled to the side, but where I pulled off, there wasn’t room for such a big vehicle – felt huge driving this vehicle- so I went around for some reason- my plan was to circle around until R was done whatever he had to do and hopped back in. But I got lost, I ended up somewhere I didn’t know.  I parked it somewhere weird like inside of an art museum, and was walking through the city and went through a Chinatown-like place that was very festive and beautiful, and passed through this kind of pop-up, kid friendly and kid themed exhibition where I longed for Hunter, to have him in my arms and be showing him all these cute shapes and interesting things, but I was alone. The exhibit led into this huge corporate office building, where I waited for an elevator to go down to escape the place, and a snotty kind of woman asked me in the elevator if I had a visitor pass, and I said, “no. I’m just trying to get out of here.” And then I was on the street trying to text Rodrigo where I was, trying to find some landmark because we were in an unfamiliar place in New York City I think, but he didn’t answer, so I started to call, but as I called, some guy on the street snatched away my phone- like robbed me- and my heart fell bc without my phone- for some reason that doesn’t make sense now, but did in the dream – no one would know where I was and I’d be lost forever. and then I think I woke up. I didn’t tell Hunter every detail of this, just I guess the kid friendly ones, and i tried not to let on about the shook-up fear that I felt in the dream. I think maybe I have some rightful anxiety because we’re making such a big life change right now with moving from a house into a RV- I have these worries that maybe I’ll have to do things alone? And I won’t know where I am or where to go or what to do? Also a bit afraid if I can physically handle driving- R will do most driving but I’m sure my time will come- this big truck that is towing a gigantic trailer. Like if i can handle it on the road. But all I told Hunter was that in my dream, i got lost and tried to call daddy and then somebody snatched my phone from my hand (so Hunter was showing me that I have to hold my phone close to my body and not hold it out, and I said “oh yeah! I should’ve held it like that!” and we were laughing, and i started feeling better) and when I told him I was lost, he asked, “why didn’t you call a superhero for help?” as if that was the most natural thing in the world to do (and this melted my heart and was the absolute best). I replied “oh yeah! I didn’t think to call a superhero for help, I thought I had to do it all by myself. That’s a really good idea.” and he asked where HE was- if we were together in the dream, and I said “no, you were at Granny’s, or home, it was just me and daddy.” And he seemed sad at that, but I said “it’s better, because you were someplace safe. where you were wasn’t dangerous like where i was.” i still wanna do it, though- the RV. It feels right. it feels like what we need right now. probably not forever, but just right now.

1/31/25

that’s cool how everyone’s hair turns the same color in the end. like we’re all headed for the same place.

had a day today where i actually had time. like to do stuff i wanted, and wasn’t rushing before it was all over. it felt good, but also not normal – like very weird and abnormal. which i guess, having time to myself is abnormal these days, compared to the last 3+ years.

2/2/25

I know life doesn’t work like this, but what if: everyone on earth, including politicians, at random unappointed times, will switch bodies with someone else in the world, including the lowliest. Like if Elon Musk could very possibly become a child in Gaza for a day. If life worked like this, there would be no Elon Musk, and there would be no children suffering to the extent they are in Gaza- this severe disparity of the ultra rich just focused on their own fun and also innocent children suffering without world leaders caring would not exist, because everyone would always be looking out for each other, because everyone would technically BE each other. All our policies and laws would reflect that.

2/9/25

The other night, Hunter said in bed, “i love you mommy, but you stink” right after he heard me fart. Then almost immediately after this, I started stroking his forehead and he fell asleep in about ten seconds. 

Then tonight, he seemed rowdy and noisy in bed, but then i said, “let’s go to sleep now, so you won’t be cranky when you have to wake up early tomorrow.” he was just like “ok”, curled up touching my shoulder, closed his eyes and fell asleep in like twenty seconds without me doing anything (usually he falls asleep to me telling stories). 

1/27/25

I feel most lucky to be a girl. 

Even though I have to bleed 

and statistically be raped 

guys will never know what it’s like to 

go soft, fold in, be swept away

just be swept away by God, be 

wrapped up and cloaked and hidden by him. 

They will never know that strength

because they are busy trying to BE that strength-

not knowing it’s something you call upon-

it’s something you reach out and touch the roots of when you need,

and he will deliver.

***

got eczema herpeticum spot on lower left chin right before my period, like the day leading into it and the first day of it. was surprised; I had started to feel home free and didn’t think I would get sick until at least the spring when pollen started. Was trying to think back to what may have triggered it, but I haven’t felt sick (unlike R who has been coughing and H who has been congested). But I have felt stressed, like cried a few days leading up to period. I just attributed that to the PMS I always have.  Maybe it IS the PMS I always have, but now that my immunity is still not fully intact or back to 100%, the same stress i always have that wouldn’t have done anything before, triggers an outbreak. I guess the lesson is, to always take it easy and rest right before period? To avoid this? I don’t know. but I still don’t attribute this to diet- this kind of thing only happens when my immune system is down, and I would think that a more varied diet would only help my immune system. it has to be stress paired with my still-recovering immune system, paired with the timing (something I’ve noticed is my immunity seems to drop right before/when I bleed).

what else could I have done to prevent? i had been taking care of myself and sleeping as much as I could, while also taking good care of a toddler.

i’m worried that this will be my life from now on: getting too stressed = disgusting explosions on my face. And what about the future even? Like when I’m considered an elderly person, and my immunity is low because of it? Will I just be continuously living in a state of being threatened by this appearing, like every day?  Will it never go back to how it was before?

I think I could’ve also, which I’ll do in the future, is when I see anyone sick around me, in my family, even if I’m not showing symptoms yet, to take preventative measures like making skullcap tea and taking oregano oil and lysine (stuff I do when i already am sick- just remember to start it earlier before you are sick.)

1/30/25

Last night slept with Hunter, because R’s been bringing him home asleep the past like three nights, and I missed him so much- just seeing him. So this morning when he woke up, I was reading books to him because he asked me to, and he kept pointing to my cheek and saying “is this your nipple?” and I’d say no as we were both cracking up. Then he’d point to the book and say “Is this the lamp?” and he’d point to the lamp and ask “Is this the book?” and I would correct him while we both were laughing. I know he knows what these things are, but for some reason he just likes to do this and be super silly.

how are we deporting people when we should be bringing them in? Bringing in the Palestinians and those most in need of our protection. If you can’t offer protection to those who need it, it means you’re not a great country because you don’t have the strength and resources to protect others. You’re only great and powerful when you use that power to its extent: we could offer such a haven, such safety, if we only focused on it. If I was president, first thing, take care of my own people – all the homeless off the streets, in every city. Unless they want to be, for some reason. But otherwise, everyone has a bed, everyone has a home and a job that decently sustains. fix the medical system so that it actually heals people. those should be our foundation. Then, reach out to the neediest in other places, open our doors. I feel like this would be the greatest display of strength and power. And wealth, even. The hoarding of wealth and safety while others are suffering so greatly seems inhumane, wrong, petty, schoolground bully-ish. Small and childish.

1/19/25

just had a strange moment that only a mom could have. Had just changed H’s poop diaper and while his (wiped, but still damp) butt was bare, he sat down on me. So I wanted to change my pants asap. After he was all good, with every step as i walked up the stairs to my room for new clothes, I pulled my pants down (to save time) and by mid-flight on the stairs, my pants + undies were totally off, and at this same time, i realized that Hunter could (as he usually does) when i’m missing for any amount of time, appear at the bottom of the stairs looking and calling for me, and if he did and i couldn’t get off the stairs fast enough, see my bottom half buck naked. and that realization just added to the stress i already always get when changing a poo diaper. so just super stressed out mid-stairs, and then I hurried up the rest of the way as fast as i could. Luckily he didn’t catch me this time.

1/20/25

had such a detailed dream yesterday morning. R and I were getting married again, like remarried, or renewing vows or something, but it was definitely a second time, and very informal- in fact, so informal that I was gonna wear my house clothes or jeans to the quickie ceremony. I knew we both weren’t expecting much at all. But then something caught my eye that inspired me while in my room- it was an accessory, or maybe it was the dress. It was a pretty white dress that did not at all say “wedding” like my original wedding dress did- it was casual, but also beautiful and silky and a little sparkly, which made me want to wear it, which, when I put it on, inspired other things, like made me want to do my hair better, then, my earrings (round sparkly globe studs), my necklace, my shoes (all of which I remembered the fabric and color and detail of in the dream- i kept wondering if it was OK if some things were cream and others were white). Just organically everything unfolded until my outfit started looking much more put together and beautiful and I started kind of obsessing more over the details of everything, but getting excited too, because of how nice it all looked and what a surprise it would be to R. and I woke up in the middle of all this. 

***

so anytime I would drink milk, like regular milk, with cereal, or in a beverage, I will always get stomach upset and smelly farts. Like ever since I was a teenager or younger, even until now. so I had always tried to avoid drinking straight milk. But just yesterday I tried A2 milk, which I’d heard good stuff about and finally just had a chance to try. I made hot chocolate and drank a whole mug of it, which only consisted of that A2 milk with melted chocolate and cocoa and spices, and I had ZERO smelly farts (just some extra air) and like 5% of my usual stomach upset. It was really amazing. Kind of life-changing, a little. whenever I can help it, that’s the only milk I’ll drink from now on.

changed my mind about how much I love the pre-cut organic celery from sprouts. I at first loved the convenience, but they get soggy and funky quicker than intact, whole stalk celery, which means if I have it in my fridge, I feel pressured to juice it ASAP, but when I have the whole stalks, I have a few days leeway because they last longer. 

1/21/25

tonight, while telling stories to Hunter, on a whim started making up a story that rhymed, kind of Dr. Seuss style, instead of what we normally do (say anything and everything off the top of our head).  he seemed to like it, and as I progressed, the more I liked it too. It gave me a framework in which to be creative, instead of being all over the place. It was fun and challenging, and got me more into the story than if I was just rolling (boringly painfully) along, trying to come up with what happens next – the rhyming directed me to what would happen next, so that it actually took less effort. whenever I ended one story, for the next, I would ask him if he wanted a normal one or a rhyming one, and he said “rhyming!” every single time after, like for two or three more stories. I also playfully asked him to tell me a rhyming one, and while he didn’t do it exactly, he did something really cute where he just kept repeating the same words, lol. I think, as he gets older, this will be really fun to see unravel if we keep doing it.

“hack the mundane”

“learn how to become a vibrational match for joy”

– Mandi Em

1/22/25

I feel like once you’ve driven a road for so long that you figure out what to do to get around being tripped up by its faulty or inadequate street planning (unlike those just passing through get tripped up) is when you really belong to a place.

was just thinking when looking in mirror: when you cover up your white hair, it’s kind of like muffling the signal to others of your stature. Like, it’s a very visual sign that you are, or should be, pretty experienced and wise compared to younger people. So why cover up this outward status symbol? I feel you should be proud of it. I know when I see white hair on anyone, I step back in awe a little bit. I listen in to what they say a little more.

1/24/25

something curious I still can’t figure out: I get so stressed in the kitchen. Like it’s something about making dinner for other people. i really don’t consciously know what it is yet. but it’s been happening pretty consistently ever since before R and I were married, when we just lived together in the apartment. 

things feel like they’re speeding up again. I think it’s the realization of all we have to do if we’re gonna move out of this house and sell it and start RV life, etc.

1/25/25

Conversation this morning when Hunter woke up:

(R leaves the room just as H is opening his eyes)

H: why is daddy leaving?

Me: I think he’s just going to the bathroom.

H: he’s always making fuzz birds!

A minute later-

H, to me: why were you over there? (Pointing to daddy’s bed)

me: I was hugging daddy!

H: with bacon and cheese?

baby’s acquiring this new laugh that I find so funny. It reminds me of peewee herman a little bit. it has this throaty scratchy back to it with a kind of joking nasaly tone, and every time I hear it, I crack up like the loudest ever in my life. it sounds like he’s doing an impression of someone, like it’s not his natural laugh.

one nice thing about my belly being bigger now than pre-pregnancy: all i have to do sometimes is expose my belly when Hunter seems down, and he will perk up. He still seems a bit fascinated by it, and will mush his face into it and blow, and squeeze, and make my belly button talk, etc. sometimes i’m sad when i look at it in the mirror, that it doesn’t look as slim as it did before. but it makes the baby happy, at least. 

1/12/25

i was going to streak my hair with highlights, but just thinking today that it’s turning white at such a rate, that nature is doing it for me. Decided to just enjoy and bask in the darkness of my hair until it’s gone/enjoy the gradual streaking. 

1/13/25

i love how i can just jump out of bed in the morning now without it being a big production. before when feet were bad, woke up, took deep breaths, mentally steadied and soothed myself, got out the pads, unpeeled the backings, stuck them to the insides of both socks…etc. now i can just hop out of bed and run downstairs in my slippers even with just bare feet. i can’t go back. i won’t go back to what it was. 

this morning I was cuddling with Hunter in bed, and he hugged me and said to R, “no big guys allowed. Only cuties!” as he held me close and smiled, pressing our cheeks together.

also, he’s been getting into ninja turtles. the other day, he sang out, “turtles in a half shell! Turtle power!” And it just seemed like things came full circle for me in that moment lol. i remember singing that exact same line as a kid.

getting more and more lax with dairy products lately. Got these gluten-free Schar milk chocolate covered wafers just cause I wanted to try them because their other wafers are really good (it was too sweet- their uncovered wafers are actually better). And then yesterday went to a Mexican place in the Berlin flea Mart, and their rice pudding looked so good and I really wanted to try their hot chocolate, so I ordered them both (they were good).  felt a little bit sick afterwards actually, but I think I’m indulging because I denied myself these things for so long while everyone around me indulged, and I really missed creamy, milky food. like it’s a bit psychological eating. oh and we got Horchata as Hunter’s drink- he just drank a sip, and I finished the rest by the end of the day- it was very milky (and sweet and delicious). I don’t think it’ll become a regular thing- like I think normally in the future, I’ll just have a Horchata OR a rice pudding OR a hot chocolate- not all of them at once. again, I think it’s the psychology of it- having denied myself them for so long, and feeling bad/deprived all the while i did it. i’ve pretty much decided that including dairy, grains, eggs, and even gluten once in a while is not what was ravaging my skin, because i’ve been having all those things for weeks now, to no detrimental effect (in fact my teeth feel a bit stronger & less sensitive). I’ve noticed (R has too) in the past years that my breakouts come in cycles and seem worse in hot weather. That, paired with the blood test results of my pollen allergy = I’m pinning pollen as the culprit. So if i do go through another breakout, i won’t deprive myself dietarily again.

1/17/25

parenthood is like that game where they blindfold you and spin you around before you can try. like they won’t let you play the game until you’re significantly disoriented.

1/18/25

now that I know we’ll probably be living in a trailer, everything I look at in the house, I’m wondering if I’ll keep it, donate it, throw it away, etc. I’m like visually trying to pack and pare stuff down in my mind all the time. I was thinking – it’ll be nice to just have one of everything- to be really minimalist because of the small space. I think it’ll make us all less distracted, and more focused on stuff that matters more, like our family and traveling together and experiences together. Instead of being all spread out in the house, maybe. i feel excited and positive about this future, and like we’re on the cusp of a big change.

1/6/25

this is hard to explain, but: when I was a kid, really young, because we were still in the townhouse and had the old Bonneville- so this was before middle school- I was gazing at the grey, velvet-like fabric of the back of the driver’s seat, from the backseat of I think the Bonneville, and just how it was (when fingers/things run back and forth on its fabric, different patterns of lighter and darker are made), and while I was gazing, I saw a face- a cute face, almost like a marshmallow, but its features were distinct so that I remembered it, and I remember to this day gazing at it back then and thinking it was strange to see such a distinct face in a car’s seat. and then, just today, Hunter fell asleep leaning on me, on the couch, with his feet on me, and I glanced to my left and looked at his face which was kind of tilted upwards, and i saw the face I saw on the backseat like over 30 years ago. it was that face. several times over the course of this nap, when i glanced over at him, the memory of this back-of-driver’s-seat face was my first impression/the first thing i thought. and this memory is not something I ever think about, maybe not since the day it happened long ago, but I guess it was always somewhere in the back or depths of my mind. Was that him, so long ago? Was he all along destined to be mine?

1/12/25

this moving into trailer thing going ahead as fast as possible, while taking care of a kid. I just checked out three homeschooling books from the library yesterday, R has been researching  best trailers and sources of energy and stuff like that nonstop, and he even asked me the other day where I want to visit first, because he has to plan out the route and places to stay there. He wants to have a yard sale of our stuff soon and is trying to sell his truck and the house. I said I would just Google the nearest place to us, but that has no tree pollen, and pick that. still have to find time to do that, because I don’t want to just take the first search result, I want to confirm it with multiple places before we actually go there. and I also need to make sure there are fun places/parks/publicly-available nature nearby, wherever we go, for Hunter.

skin is still doing great. I feel clearheaded and not inflamed, and I’m still eating from dairy and even gluten when I can’t help it (we searched Acme yesterday everywhere for gluten-free hotdog buns but couldn’t find them, so R just made our hotdogs with his sourdough sandwich bread, and I had just a slice with my hotdog for dinner) here and there. I have no complaints except it’s a little dry, but nothing hurts, and I’m grateful for that every day and also something in the back of my head and soul is dreading the coming of spring, because I feel like it will just come back. Another reason to get these travel plans going.

12/30/24

i know it’s normal for kids to grow up, that most all kids grow physically bigger into adult size. but with each increasing clothes size, I’m in amazement. First he was NB, then 3 months and 6 months and 9, 12, 24, 2T, now 3T, and already receiving 4T size clothes. I just…idk. I feel grateful and excited to picture him growing and growing. I stare at his baby face a lot with his protruding cheeks and still neck rolls and still sometimes double chin, and try to see into the future- what he’ll look like as a man. I feel like I can almost see it sometimes, and then it disappears into the cuteness that still dominates. 

there’s stress in everything, I realize. Even in the ideal job, like I feel I have, there’s stress. And even in supposedly fun things, like the outings i’m planning for myself, there are still things I worry about. I think you can’t avoid it- all you can do is handle it well.

last night after Hunter fell asleep, and I had fallen asleep with him and then woken up –  really late, around midnight- I rolled over into R’s bed, and he held me and stroked my face and my head so tenderly for what seemed like an hour, that when I went up to bed, I felt refreshed, and really loved. 

also, tonight, we went on a surprise date. He said it was for the six year anniversary of when he proposed to me 🙂 it turned out to be going to the movies to see A Complete Unknown. I was really happy about it, and I said to him in the theater, “I guess you do listen to me when I talk!” because I’d mentioned that seeing that movie would be a good date.

1/4/25

tonight I just came to the living room where R was, and he said, “do you want to buy a school bus and live in it?” And I laughed and we both laughed. But then I sat down and saw a little bit of the Instagram he was watching in which this couple did buy a school bus and I guess were living in it, and the more we talked about it- selling our house and going mobile- the more sense it seemed to make. He’s having so much frustration with his job so we could move around and see what else works. and my job being remote. Being mobile, I could go and move to and try places that don’t have pollen, to see if they help my skin…we started talking about homeschooling and homesteading and raising goats…

the poetry was great last night. i layered up and brisk walked from the station to PhilaMOCA and wasn’t cold at all. i thought there would be lots of room for some reason, but when i got there (1/2 hr late), it was packed. pleasant surprise, plan to go back and not be late next times. 

seems like i’ve seen more flags at half staff in my life than fully raised.

1/5/25

i think this will be the first night in a week or so that I’ll have a good sleep; I found like 2 mouse droppings on my bedside table, so we put mouse traps out, and just today caught one (hopefully the only one, because we searched all around the house and couldn’t find any more evidence), it was dead in the catch and release trap, and we just put it in the forest and threw the trap away. but ever since I realized there was one living somewhere near me last week, every night I’ve gone to bed scared that it would attack me in my sleep and kept waking up throughout the night because of it, even going downstairs to sleep with R and Hunter a few times, in middle of the night.

I kind of started out wondering if we should do the RV trailer thing, but tonight started thinking “how can we not do it?” It was after I realized that we could visit every major library- all the best libraries in North America.

12/22/23

since skin’s good i’ve been allowing myself to eat cheese and eggs, and haven’t seen any real detrimental effect. have a little inflammation on tops of both hands, but it’s not so bad that I can’t wash them. never purposely seeking out dairy, bc I know they def don’t help inflammation, but not refusing them & going to make my own separate meal when it’s put in front of me by loved ones or circumstance, which this way is so much easier than before. enjoying, but still trying to eat healthy as possible. no matter how good skin gets, i won’t ever eat like nothing can hurt me.

tonight, Hunter fell asleep with my chin in his hand.

I think that even gluten, I can rule out as a major factor. Because I know I had it a few weeks ago, and it did not stop the healing from coming. And even a day or two ago, I had pizza that wasn’t gluten-free (just one slice) and I’m fine. Like gluten may be inflammatory, but I guess it’s not a major contributor of what was ailing me for seven months. It has to be pollen and/or dust mites. 

Took a bath today, the second time in more than seven months. It was wonderful. Wonderful. It was so refreshing and almost luxurious feeling to take a bath and not be uncomfortable in my own skin.

12/23/24

just realized that the advice you give your child, and even just the way you interact with him, can tell a lot about who you are. I feel like the upcoming years are going to be very revealing about both myself and R. 

12/24/24

it was bewildering, him as an infant. But now that he’s grown more competent, it seems to make sense: he used to be that helpless, and each day, we were responsible for his life. like now in hindsight, i’m realizing what a precious thing we were (sleeplessly, desperately) guarding.

why can’t this mass, one-spirited feeling of everyone getting together and having a merry Christmas- why can’t we also have this mass, united moving against all the things that oppress us.

12/25/24

this morning was the first morning in 7 months I felt I could wear socks without pads in them, just putting my socks on normally.

12/27/24

“I feel good enough to jump off the roof!”

– Hunter kept saying this this morning, talking about the Spider-Man playhouse we got him that he keeps jumping off its roof. last night he felt hot and was lethargic, but apparently, thankfully he feels better today. 

12/28/24

choosing to do a little wandering off on my own. Going to a poetry reading by myself this Friday, plan to see a movie I really want to see (Complete Unknown) soon (probably by myself because we can’t bring the baby), and then the Bright Eyes show in April, I just got a single ticket to. looking forward to each one, but concerns are: it’ll be really cold this Friday, and I’ll have to walk through the city to get there / no concerns about the movie / and then the bright eyes show I’m the most excited about, but that’s also around the time pollen season is starting up again- concerned I’m not sick again at that time, so I can actually enjoy the show. R’s stressed about money and work and says he doesn’t have time, but I want to invite more fun & romance into my life – especially now that I have this window of time of health (hoping it’s not a window of course, hoping it’s a never-ending stretch- but it feels like a window because this is the second season in a row it’s happened to my feet). I figure that if my husband and i are meant to be together, we’ll end up together. 

was thinking about the habit of drinking alcohol and realized why I get so disgusted by it now. It’s because so recently, I was in the hospital almost hanging by a thread for my life. So now all I fight for, all i want, is health. And so I can’t imagine making myself sick on purpose- which is what getting incapacitatedly drunk essentially seems to be, to me.