2/16/25
I realized when I’m most peaceful and happy is when I’m alone, and it’s quiet, and I’m warm and comfortable, with no demands on me. So it makes sense that I’m so stressed most of the time, because having a toddler is very messy and unpredictable and loud and full of responsibilities. and I get cold a lot from not enough sleep. I do find moments of super contentment and super happiness and joy when with him- I know unlike anything I could’ve experienced alone, without him. But just my core personality I think is not naturally suited to childrearing, I guess. at least that’s how it feels. at the same time, I feel like he’s totally my baby and I’ve been waiting for him all my life. I love every word that comes out of his mouth. I love how his words can be so absurd and seemingly disconnected, while at the same time I get consistently surprised by his intelligence and insight and logic. tonight he ran out of his bedroom, away from his dad who was trying to get him to sleep, for the second time (the first time he asked for apple juice). This time, he said, “mama, I have a question for you.” I said “what?” He said simply, “I farted.” I said “that sounds like a statement, not a question.” And then he turned it into a question like “well, I farted, does that mean I have to poo?” I could see the whole time he was strolling around the kitchen that he was just stalling, trying not to go to bed. But it was so funny that I couldn’t scold him or anything. I just wanted to crack up.
hit milestone today with Baby. It was that I was able to take a shower while being the only one watching him. I could never do that before since the day he was born, and he’s three now. It was the first time. I noticed that there’s a window of opportunity in the morning around breakfast time – he gets really into watching Bluey, so he’s pretty distracted. And I let him know I was gonna take a shower, and I popped my head in afterwards and waved to him and said I would be upstairs changing now, and then come right down. But it just felt so freeing. Like I was becoming free. i definitely breathed a relief somewhere, being able to do that. and I think that small time period was really my only chance. Because he gets more bored and restless and needing more attention as the day goes on, and thinking back over the rest of the day, there’s not really any other time I could have done it, because he wanted to play and engage with me too often the whole rest of the day. A lucky day, and things are getting easier compared to infanthood. And the two times he pooped today, he even did them in the potty, so I didn’t have to wipe a poo-smeared butt today. It was really nice to wipe a baby butt that had hardly any poo on it at all. his potty status- he’s kind of in between, still using diapers overnight and during the day when we’re out, and still at home too. but, there are several days now I’ve stayed home all day with him, and let him wear pants with no diaper at all, and he will independently and consistently know when to go to the potty and not have many accidents.
2/17/25
I had the most incredible-feeling dream. but I guess the sad part is that R wasn’t a part of it. It was that I met some guy where we were talking, just chatting, and said exactly the same thing at the same time suddenly (something about hating the predictability of horror movies) and it felt super intimate and ever since then he was after me. we were both married, and I knew I would never cheat on my husband, but the whole dream was all these subsequent very sensual, playful, romantic encounters, where he was trying to get me alone, and I was trying to resist even though I liked him. I don’t know why I dream like this- it’s not the first time. Do I subconsciously feel like some adventure or some aspect of romance is missing? Because in real life, I don’t really want the complication of a relationship outside of my marriage. I’m pretty sure I don’t have the time or energy (or morality) to entertain an extramarital relationship, and I don’t think about it during the daytime at all. So I don’t completely understand what the message is here. I can only say how it felt in the dream I guess. It just felt fun. Exciting. bordering magical. I love feeling intensely desired by someone. are these dreams just psychological resistance against the super mundaneness of raising a child?
hit another milestone w baby yesterday. didn’t need to cut his nails while he was sleeping. he endured me cutting BOTH his fingernails and all his toenails. it was while he was watching Bluey, which he gets distracted by, but still, was able to get it done early at night instead of waiting until he was like a 1/2 hr-1 hour into sleep, which is what i had done every single time before, since he was an infant.
it’s weird, I will suddenly get thoughts I am so sure of. it’s always about the afterlife. The other day, it suddenly occurred to me that when people pass, it’s like they’ve just moved to the side- to the carpeted part of the rollerskating rink. They’ve just moved from rollerskating in the actual rink, to sitting down or standing on the sidelines, but they can still watch us. They can still communicate and see. they still love us and want what’s best for us. It’s just that we are the ones being tested and on display now, that have to give it our best effort- not them anymore- they’re relieved of those duties. I had a similar thought a while ago when I was watching my parents through the glass door to the backyard.
2/20/25
after having the a2 milk a lot, i’ve noticed the same indigestion symptoms I would get with regular milk, are returning now. So maybe it wasn’t a miracle.
been listening to a lot of Medical Medium podcasts. He was talking about the emotional and spiritual benefits of honey, of mango. At first the concepts seemed foreign to me. but then i thought about how i felt when i ate those things, and was like, “huh.” and then i was thinking- we attribute all these spiritual effects to rocks- like stones- like the psychic power of quartz, of amethyst. Why wouldn’t something so magical, that starts as a tiny seed and blossoms into something delicious you can eat- fruits- why wouldn’t these living things hold similar or greater power?
2/23/25
i keep dreaming the same thing. different situations in which i am semi-isolated and then a lover is there who comes out of the woodwork to one-instance, single-handed, immersively love me. and never sex. just these super tender, fully clothed, yet peak-of-intimate gestures which feel like they complete my world and I need nothing else. what does it mean?
this morning’s was: i was in some kind of crowded study hall, studying/lots of paperwork. i remember reading over at least three full pages of something and feeling physically exhausted afterwards. it was wee hours of the morning, in this dream, with all the students dozing around me i think. i thought i was the only one still up. i knew i should go all the way back up to dorm and into proper bed, but was so tired that, at the table and still on a high stool, i turned with my back to the table and just laid the back of my head on a book on the table and closed my eyes, and felt my profile and my chest and arched back prominent against the low light, and was going to sleep that way, when S (a former lover irl) stood up from the shadows and silently put his arms hungrily and tenderly around me, and that was the pinnacle of the dream. the whole rest of the day when i was awake, during boring moments, i kept remembering the dream, going back to it and trying to remember the feeling from those peak moments.
Marriage Journal 