evolution eve

12/22/23

since skin’s good i’ve been allowing myself to eat cheese and eggs, and haven’t seen any real detrimental effect. have a little inflammation on tops of both hands, but it’s not so bad that I can’t wash them. never purposely seeking out dairy, bc I know they def don’t help inflammation, but not refusing them & going to make my own separate meal when it’s put in front of me by loved ones or circumstance, which this way is so much easier than before. enjoying, but still trying to eat healthy as possible. no matter how good skin gets, i won’t ever eat like nothing can hurt me.

tonight, Hunter fell asleep with my chin in his hand.

I think that even gluten, I can rule out as a major factor. Because I know I had it a few weeks ago, and it did not stop the healing from coming. And even a day or two ago, I had pizza that wasn’t gluten-free (just one slice) and I’m fine. Like gluten may be inflammatory, but I guess it’s not a major contributor of what was ailing me for seven months. It has to be pollen and/or dust mites. 

Took a bath today, the second time in more than seven months. It was wonderful. Wonderful. It was so refreshing and almost luxurious feeling to take a bath and not be uncomfortable in my own skin.

12/23/24

just realized that the advice you give your child, and even just the way you interact with him, can tell a lot about who you are. I feel like the upcoming years are going to be very revealing about both myself and R. 

12/24/24

it was bewildering, him as an infant. But now that he’s grown more competent, it seems to make sense: he used to be that helpless, and each day, we were responsible for his life. like now in hindsight, i’m realizing what a precious thing we were (sleeplessly, desperately) guarding.

why can’t this mass, one-spirited feeling of everyone getting together and having a merry Christmas- why can’t we also have this mass, united moving against all the things that oppress us.

12/25/24

this morning was the first morning in 7 months I felt I could wear socks without pads in them, just putting my socks on normally.

12/27/24

“I feel good enough to jump off the roof!”

– Hunter kept saying this this morning, talking about the Spider-Man playhouse we got him that he keeps jumping off its roof. last night he felt hot and was lethargic, but apparently, thankfully he feels better today. 

12/28/24

choosing to do a little wandering off on my own. Going to a poetry reading by myself this Friday, plan to see a movie I really want to see (Complete Unknown) soon (probably by myself because we can’t bring the baby), and then the Bright Eyes show in April, I just got a single ticket to. looking forward to each one, but concerns are: it’ll be really cold this Friday, and I’ll have to walk through the city to get there / no concerns about the movie / and then the bright eyes show I’m the most excited about, but that’s also around the time pollen season is starting up again- concerned I’m not sick again at that time, so I can actually enjoy the show. R’s stressed about money and work and says he doesn’t have time, but I want to invite more fun & romance into my life – especially now that I have this window of time of health (hoping it’s not a window of course, hoping it’s a never-ending stretch- but it feels like a window because this is the second season in a row it’s happened to my feet). I figure that if my husband and i are meant to be together, we’ll end up together. 

was thinking about the habit of drinking alcohol and realized why I get so disgusted by it now. It’s because so recently, I was in the hospital almost hanging by a thread for my life. So now all I fight for, all i want, is health. And so I can’t imagine making myself sick on purpose- which is what getting incapacitatedly drunk essentially seems to be, to me.