1/19/25
just had a strange moment that only a mom could have. Had just changed H’s poop diaper and while his (wiped, but still damp) butt was bare, he sat down on me. So I wanted to change my pants asap. After he was all good, with every step as i walked up the stairs to my room for new clothes, I pulled my pants down (to save time) and by mid-flight on the stairs, my pants + undies were totally off, and at this same time, i realized that Hunter could (as he usually does) when i’m missing for any amount of time, appear at the bottom of the stairs looking and calling for me, and if he did and i couldn’t get off the stairs fast enough, see my bottom half buck naked. and that realization just added to the stress i already always get when changing a poo diaper. so just super stressed out mid-stairs, and then I hurried up the rest of the way as fast as i could. Luckily he didn’t catch me this time.
1/20/25
had such a detailed dream yesterday morning. R and I were getting married again, like remarried, or renewing vows or something, but it was definitely a second time, and very informal- in fact, so informal that I was gonna wear my house clothes or jeans to the quickie ceremony. I knew we both weren’t expecting much at all. But then something caught my eye that inspired me while in my room- it was an accessory, or maybe it was the dress. It was a pretty white dress that did not at all say “wedding” like my original wedding dress did- it was casual, but also beautiful and silky and a little sparkly, which made me want to wear it, which, when I put it on, inspired other things, like made me want to do my hair better, then, my earrings (round sparkly globe studs), my necklace, my shoes (all of which I remembered the fabric and color and detail of in the dream- i kept wondering if it was OK if some things were cream and others were white). Just organically everything unfolded until my outfit started looking much more put together and beautiful and I started kind of obsessing more over the details of everything, but getting excited too, because of how nice it all looked and what a surprise it would be to R. and I woke up in the middle of all this.
***
so anytime I would drink milk, like regular milk, with cereal, or in a beverage, I will always get stomach upset and smelly farts. Like ever since I was a teenager or younger, even until now. so I had always tried to avoid drinking straight milk. But just yesterday I tried A2 milk, which I’d heard good stuff about and finally just had a chance to try. I made hot chocolate and drank a whole mug of it, which only consisted of that A2 milk with melted chocolate and cocoa and spices, and I had ZERO smelly farts (just some extra air) and like 5% of my usual stomach upset. It was really amazing. Kind of life-changing, a little. whenever I can help it, that’s the only milk I’ll drink from now on.
changed my mind about how much I love the pre-cut organic celery from sprouts. I at first loved the convenience, but they get soggy and funky quicker than intact, whole stalk celery, which means if I have it in my fridge, I feel pressured to juice it ASAP, but when I have the whole stalks, I have a few days leeway because they last longer.
1/21/25
tonight, while telling stories to Hunter, on a whim started making up a story that rhymed, kind of Dr. Seuss style, instead of what we normally do (say anything and everything off the top of our head). he seemed to like it, and as I progressed, the more I liked it too. It gave me a framework in which to be creative, instead of being all over the place. It was fun and challenging, and got me more into the story than if I was just rolling (boringly painfully) along, trying to come up with what happens next – the rhyming directed me to what would happen next, so that it actually took less effort. whenever I ended one story, for the next, I would ask him if he wanted a normal one or a rhyming one, and he said “rhyming!” every single time after, like for two or three more stories. I also playfully asked him to tell me a rhyming one, and while he didn’t do it exactly, he did something really cute where he just kept repeating the same words, lol. I think, as he gets older, this will be really fun to see unravel if we keep doing it.
“hack the mundane”
“learn how to become a vibrational match for joy”
– Mandi Em
1/22/25
I feel like once you’ve driven a road for so long that you figure out what to do to get around being tripped up by its faulty or inadequate street planning (unlike those just passing through get tripped up) is when you really belong to a place.
was just thinking when looking in mirror: when you cover up your white hair, it’s kind of like muffling the signal to others of your stature. Like, it’s a very visual sign that you are, or should be, pretty experienced and wise compared to younger people. So why cover up this outward status symbol? I feel you should be proud of it. I know when I see white hair on anyone, I step back in awe a little bit. I listen in to what they say a little more.
1/24/25
something curious I still can’t figure out: I get so stressed in the kitchen. Like it’s something about making dinner for other people. i really don’t consciously know what it is yet. but it’s been happening pretty consistently ever since before R and I were married, when we just lived together in the apartment.
things feel like they’re speeding up again. I think it’s the realization of all we have to do if we’re gonna move out of this house and sell it and start RV life, etc.
1/25/25
Conversation this morning when Hunter woke up:
(R leaves the room just as H is opening his eyes)
H: why is daddy leaving?
Me: I think he’s just going to the bathroom.
H: he’s always making fuzz birds!
A minute later-
H, to me: why were you over there? (Pointing to daddy’s bed)
me: I was hugging daddy!
H: with bacon and cheese?
baby’s acquiring this new laugh that I find so funny. It reminds me of peewee herman a little bit. it has this throaty scratchy back to it with a kind of joking nasaly tone, and every time I hear it, I crack up like the loudest ever in my life. it sounds like he’s doing an impression of someone, like it’s not his natural laugh.
one nice thing about my belly being bigger now than pre-pregnancy: all i have to do sometimes is expose my belly when Hunter seems down, and he will perk up. He still seems a bit fascinated by it, and will mush his face into it and blow, and squeeze, and make my belly button talk, etc. sometimes i’m sad when i look at it in the mirror, that it doesn’t look as slim as it did before. but it makes the baby happy, at least.
Marriage Journal 