3/9/24

something that changed since Hunter: I can’t take small purses anymore to go out. I always need backpack-sized things now. To hold the diapers. And the wipes. The change of clothes. And the toys….(he once, from the backseat in his car seat, called me “not a good mom!” as we were getting ready to go out because I hadn’t brought any toys with us. I ran back in the house and grabbed some, and never forget to have toys on me ever since- even if it’s just interesting keychains, or stickers.)

tonight i find myself in bed with a toy drill wedged between me and the baby, his other hand pressed right over the pulse point on my neck as he falls asleep. Also, as he was almost asleep but not quite, as he shifted position, turning his back to me, he said with the sweetest lilt in his voice, “sweet dreeeeams”

3/11/24

“do you need more kisses on your nose?” he woke me up this morning saying this, and not waiting for my answer, kissing my nose over and over. 

3/13/24

just remembered something nice: last night, R and I were watching a comedy show on Netflix (Steve Treviño, “simple man”), and he wasn’t really laughing. I was chuckling at some points, but during this one bit I thought it was really funny and started laughing so hard and high and loud that tears started coming out of my eyes, and I just remembered that behind me, R started laughing in this really sweet way during this that told me that he was laughing not because he thought the bit was funny, but because he was happy I was laughing/laughing at my laughter. It was just a nice memory…he’s so sweet, my husband.

just remembered something else from Monday night (today is Wednesday): we were driving around, just R and I on errands, and we were talking about his family and i made a comment about his one niece who just recently finished high school. i predicted, “she seems like a really good girl, so I don’t think she’ll ever do drugs.” and after a pause, R said, “you can still be good, but be curious.” and that caused ME to pause, and then ultimately agree. I like how he says what he thinks even if it’s contrary, and I like what he thinks- his logic. I should do more to protect his brain and his health, because he’s been drinking more than he used to. But i don’t know what i could do…i’m not his mom.

So lately, since we’ve been short of money, I’ve been cutting down on buying anything that’s not like bare necessities. I’ve been pretty good with sticking to it and turning down stuff that I would normally buy – until today. even though I gave myself this window of all last night and this morning to think about it, i couldn’t give it up, and bought it (a sweatshirt i saw on Temu for $13). After I bought it, I was trying to figure out why I couldn’t resist this particular thing and strayed from my own rule when it wasn’t as hard to forgo other stuff.  i realized it was because the shirt embodied like the three most important things to me when it comes to clothing i love to wear (I guess not much of my wardrobe adheres to this currently): it was colorful (had background of wide pastel stripes), comfortable (all cotton), and cute (had a bunny graphic and a funny saying). even though it was kind of a “slip-up” or “moment of weakness” buy, it did teach me at least what’s most important to me wardrobe-wise, so it’ll be easier for me to make decisions in the future when i’m deciding what pieces of my own to keep or let go, and also for the possible future of when I’ll have enough to actually buy some more colorful, comfortable, cute things.

2/28/24

just felt a feeling that’s hard to describe. im in such an “ordinary” moment right now. 10:00 at night, on the couch with my husband, he just came back from the kitchen and is sitting with his arm around me. but i just felt so…grateful and happy.  to have his big warm body pressed next to me, our respective warmths flowing back and forth between us, easy feelings. That it feels so easy between us. 

3/3/24

Best moment today: I was watching Baby alone, but the day was so beautiful, especially compared to the day before, which was all cold and rainy. Today was beautiful, bright and sunny and warm. Baby woke me up with kisses and saying that he needed a hug, and i fell asleep last night in the same bed with him telling me that he loved me and I was his best friend. lol. But the best moment today was, we were waiting for Granny to stop by, so I took him outside and we were walking up and down the road looking for her car, and then I turned onto the wide asphalt road that leads to the park to kill some more time, had him hop up on my back, and i just started running with the fresh morning air all around us, and when he started laughing and smiling when I began to run- that was the best moment of the whole day. oh his laugh. his smile. 

3/4/24

something was bothering me since last night, but now that I think about it, it wasn’t that big a deal. It was: we were watching Six Feet Under and (spoiler alert), we’re at the episode where Nate has sex with Maggie, while newly married to Brenda. During the scene, I got disgusted and was like “nooo!” and then R retorted, “but Brenda did the same to him,” to which I replied, “but they weren’t married at the time – they were engaged – being married is different.” R didn’t respond, and at the time I took it as that he disagreed, and I read into it even further that maybe he didn’t think that infidelity during marriage was a big deal? It seemed such a logical inference at the time- I don’t know why- but now that I think about it for the purposes of journaling, his silence could’ve also meant he agreed with me. or that he wasn’t sure, or maybe he was just tired. but I think definitely it wasn’t some red flag or anything I thought it was at the time. coincidentally, earlier that same day yesterday, I had been out to lunch with my mom, and even though she really does not know R’s personality like I do, she will suddenly say stuff like, “he’s young/handsome – you have to be careful and don’t let yourself go” implying that there’s this really high chance of him cheating, even though again- she doesn’t really know him, and he and I, as far as I know, have no history of cheating in our official relationship. She’s “implied” this to me like seven different times over the years when we have conversations alone. So it could’ve been that was in the back of my mind last night when R and I were talking about it during the show, and I jumped to conclusions. 

But I was also thinking – even in the presumably worst case scenario of R cheating… maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. I could start over, in a way. I liked dating – I thought it was fun and exciting – and I could do that again. And I was also thinking that to ask someone to stay sexually faithful to you for their whole lives is kind of a big thing to ask, and I respect people that actually do it. and for people that “fail”at it, I understand because of how hard it is. And like who am I to think that I am so captivating, when I don’t even really try nowadays? Like I live in sweatpants/house clothes, I wear zero make up. I am pretty open when he initiates, but I mostly stopped initiating as much since Hunter was born because I was busy trying to recover and not like die from a major recurring illness. So what makes me think that I deserve his sole sexual attention like forever? Maybe it’s not a reasonable expectation? But on the other hand, why even get married then, if you don’t expect that?

since about last night, though I’m sure it had been building up for weeks or even months, skin is pretty bad/a little painful (painful meaning like my skin feels irritated enough that my clothes- socks, shirts- cause discomfort when I move).  on hands, feet are the worst, a bit on both nipples, and neck is itchy. Definitely not the worst it’s ever been, but I believe it’s just been building up from since like the holidays when I was very lax regarding dairy and egg and everything intake, then came Valentine’s Day when I made that chocolate fudge with condensed milk and ate it every single day until it was gone, and up until recently, when I’ve just been very lax with diet, eating stuff with eggs and/or milk in it, eating dairy ice cream, had a bite of muffin made with wheat today. but about two nights ago is when it started to cross over from just an annoyance and into painful territory, which I don’t ever want to go there again. So today ordered some glutathione and boswellia, two supplements I was on when I was getting better but had since stopped, and also cleaning up diet as of today (some celery juice, less sugar, NO more eggs or milk, ordered some Daily Harvest, trying for “good” non-conventional meat). Hopefully this will help me make a quick U-turn. 

3/5/24

seem to have a lot more energy today than usual. Maybe because I started taking care of myself better, slept a little more last night (though not ideal amount).

2/25/24

Hunter being super clingy and im trying to stay by his side as much as possible, even though he needs to be with me as I pee and poo (he will painfully wail and howl and cry if i shut the door, and insists on standing next to me in the bathroom) and follow me to every room I go upstairs and downstairs. if I don’t come when he’s calling for me, he starts scream-crying, like I abandoned him in the middle of the desert.  I think i never had a more stressful moment than when I just tried to get away during this time to put some laundry in because he was down to his last pair of pants in the whole house, when he started scream-crying for me (at like nervous-breakdown pitch) and I had to leave everything just mid-loaded with the washer door ajar and go back upstairs to his crying. I never realized how much help I needed until this little one.

2/26/24

it’s been about a month now and counting: he’s dropped his nap if he’s not on a car ride during the afternoon (which lulls him to sleep). So like he’ll wake up around eight and stay up ALL  DAY with no nap, all the way til like 9 or 10 PM. it’s kind of stressful to have no break. 

The thought occurred to me today: maybe we’re not meant to have nannies or other people watch our children? Because if I can get so annoyed at him, and I am his flesh and blood mother who carried him for nine months and bore him from my own body, how much less patience would someone unrelated to him have? it’s kind of scary to think about that way. Tho I still definitely feel like us as the main caregivers need constant assistance from people like nannies, or else it’s… extremely exhausting and stressful, without any breaks to regroup/relax.

2/19/24

The wedding last night was so beautiful. During the ceremony, my body surprised me by choking up when officiate spoke the phrase, “forsaking all others” – i’m not sure why. I pictured the image of R and I running through separate battlefields, and all the “others” being like hidden bombs, and trying to avoid them. Like…marriage is a test and a skill in that way, maybe. also, the idea of turning my back on a lot of other possibilities by choosing one specific person- it feels bittersweet sometimes, although I don’t regret anything.

so for the wedding, it started for me around 530 (though I started getting ready a few hours before) and went through the night with an afterparty at Fergies pub, (which was actually pretty cool because me and R caught a comedy show upstairs and laughed hard for a bit and then came back down to rejoin our party) and didn’t get back to the hotel till about two in the morning.  lots of people there that I never met before, and tho fun and I think a much-needed night out after being confined at home for so long, for an introvert like me, it was pretty mentally/emotionally exhausting. when I got home today, finally able to be alone, had a mix of good feelings: 

I felt this pride at- it sounds weird- but still being able to look pretty. I wasn’t sure if I still could, because for the last 2.5 years ever since Hunter was born, it’s been basically zero makeup daily, living in PJs/sweatclothes. I’d really forgotten what it felt like to dress up and go out. I was kind of scared that I wouldn’t be able to do it, for some reason. so that was fun, and felt like an accomplishment. The other dominating feeling I got upon arriving home and settling back in was utter relief – how I loved and missed my house- overwhelmed me. Just everything about it: the location, the silence, the rooms, even the ever-present possibility of running into the mouse- it all felt like this beautiful dance that was mine alone to dance, and I just felt so in love with everything about the place, after just being in a lot of places that were unfamiliar and strange – the Philly streets were too cold at every hour I walked them – afternoon, evening, and morning-  and the hotel and just all the unfamiliar people and places… 

on the flipside of feeling pretty/luxurious and like basking in that contentment, I noticed that the homeless on the streets seemed worse than the last time I was in philly. From the time I left Lindenwold station in Jersey late afternoon until the time we left Philly the next morning, I must have encountered/been asked for help maybe 6-7 times… it makes me kind of mad at the government, I guess at the city level, but maybe also state and country level. Like why aren’t you helping these people. why are you letting people live like this? Why are you passing these people – witnessing how they live – and not doing anything when you have the power to? Yesterday when I was just about to walk through the Patco turnstile at Lindenwold after purchasing my ticket, this dude came up to me and asked if he could walk in behind me, basically using my one ticket for both of us, and my first response was “yeah,sure.” At the time I was a little surprised, because that never happened to me before, but now that I think about it, I wish I could let more people walk in behind me. just swipe my ticket and let everyone through. 

2/20/24

I feel like if or when Hunter’s heart gets broken, this is the best place for him to live. All this grass and these trees – striding through them, they’ll absorb his pain. Miles of nature paths to discharge bad energy.  It’s the best and most beautiful place, even in dead winter. I think we shouldn’t move from here, unless the new place has this kind of environment. I remember being heartbroken in the city, and it felt like my pain just ricocheted off all the concrete and buildings straight back into my body.

2/23/24

today was the first time we went to the playground and i had like real fun. up until now it’s been me following him around there making sure he doesn’t fall or trip or knock his head on things- basically being his human bumper/assistant. but today (with the playground to ourselves), he ran around and seemed so self sufficient. i still followed him cause there are high places he could fall from, but for the first time, we slid down slides together, merry go rounded together, climbed the rope net side by side. it was so fun and i was proud of him. 

also tonight was the first night i watched him fall asleep as i was telling him a story. his eyes got heavier and heavier until they were closed and he looked angelic. he didn’t breathe a word about nene (breastfeeding). i think it’s officially over.

2/25/24

yesterday, we were in Hunter’s aunt’s trailer that she’s leaving parked in our backyard, and he was going through the drawers, and took out two kitchen tools he wanted to bring into the house. I told him he could only take one thing, and to choose. He kept wanting to take both, and I kept refusing, and finally he said “OK, I’ll take this one and you take this one.” 

also, he’s been correcting people on words (the pronunciation) and movements (the exact execution) that he’s only just learned, with this very authoritative tone in his little voice- it’s really funny.

2/14/24

R’s been staying home a lot lately, because finding work has been slow. I really like having him home, but also feel bad that he’s not working/making money as much as he wants. But today started out with him joking that we should make an Only Fans account to make some extra money. We laughed about it and I said half seriously, “OK, if you sign us up I’ll do it!” But at the end of the day, after him contacting his leads without much success, he signed us up. We were trying to think of a username, and when I suggested one and it was available, I fell over laughing on the couch just from the absurdity of it all. I don’t know, we’ll see how it goes. he said he’ll film us and cut out the parts that show our faces, so it’s just our bodies.

skin had been good lately, but the past like week, starting on Friday, I ate more dairy: butter (in biscuits) and buttermilk and milk/condensed milk, and coincidingly, areas on my feet and hands (and neck a little) started to flare. Definitely have to stay away still from this food category. *2/16: The chocolate fudge I made (with condensed milk) him for valentine’s day was so good though that I was (and am) eating it every single day. 

2/15/24

Today since I woke up in the morning, until now 3:20 PM, have been blowing my running nose literally every 5 to 10 minutes. Not sure why, if it’s dust or what? Did the mouse die somewhere under the fridge and releasing something in the air? (update 2/16: no, he didn’t, because this morning found a few droppings, just like three- in a corner. So he’s still around.)

just realized something I might have done unknowingly (subconsciously?) that is working in my favor: choose someone whose mannerisms you love. Like the (mostly physical) little tendencies they have regarding the way they move and walk and talk… because if you marry them, these are things you will live with daily, and it’s just so nice to love the mannerisms because I will be seeing them over and over for the rest of my life. like when I’m in a shaky-ground moment where it could go either way, he moves in his certain way or speaks in his certain way that I love, and it pushes everything towards the good, positive side for me. It happens a lot I think- maybe more than I’m fully conscious of.

going to a wedding this weekend (R’s best friend getting married). was looking over the itinerary just now and it’s kind of extended- there’s a welcome party on Saturday night at one pub, Sunday night is the actual wedding, and then after the wedding there’s an afterparty until like midnight at another pub. One of my first thoughts when realizing how much time we might be out was: if I was breastfeeding still, I could never do this – i couldn’t attend everything planned here. It was so different, that world – that world of Hunter being just-born and our bodies so attached – so needing to be in close proximity to each other all the time. It was a 24/7 constriction/restriction unlike anything i’ve ever experienced. I am glad it’s over and that I can go to things outside of the house without needing to worry about it anymore – it was one of the biggest burdens i’ve ever felt. But there’s also this tiny, like 10% wistful feeling of “it’ll never be like that again.” when I was going through it, it felt so torturous and neverending. But now that I’m pretty safely out of that stage, I guess in the big picture, it was a (relatively?) short (but extremely intense) period of my life. I wish I’d been more prepared, so it wouldn’t have been so hard, and maybe I wouldn’t have gotten so sick during and after. but I really didn’t know to expect it…so many times since the baby was born, I wish I had lived in a community/commune-type environment with lots of people to help. I feel like that’s the ideal baby-raising environment.

2/16/24

last night on the couch after watching our show (Six feet under, only one season left), and after R had gone on about the extra expenses he had lately and I could feel his worry and frustration and wanted to make him feel better, I propped up my phone and hit record and just started taking off my clothes, and he realized what I was doing (trying to make a video for our new channel) and went along with it. but in general, I didn’t like it. I felt like we were performing – that because we were recording like our most intimate act- purportedly for people to watch- that the phone was a kind of intruder, and I resented it and wouldn’t look at it when R picked it up and was moving it all around. I felt R’s energy change, too, in a direction I didn’t like actually, and was near tears by the end. I think he felt really bad about it, because this morning, he said I could just delete the video and then he was the one who initiated this time, without any phone – just us, like it always was- and was much more gentle/himself. I liked it much better. I noticed we were quieter without the camera, and (i felt) less inhibited, more wholly involved. No thought of pleasing an audience. He kissed me more times than usual; it all felt like an apology and telling me he loved me all at once. When it was over I was so happy and relaxed and reassured that i fell asleep, at like 10:30 in the morning. 

2/6/24

There is no death – there’s only birth and birth and birth…
– Six Feet Under, “Daddy” episode

2/7/24

11:05 pm: like a half hour ago, i saw the mouse run under the couch. me and R barricaded the living room and called R’s dad to come help (he’s currently visiting from Brazil) and they turned the couch over while i stood back and sweated and shook on the verge of crying and eventually it came out and R slapped the mouse dead with some cleaning stick we have. i handed R an empty plastic diaper bag which he put the mouse in and he carried him out and threw him into the forest. We think it’s over now- that he was the only mouse in the house. But we’re keeping the traps out just in case. Afterwards, R said, “we gave him a chance. we set those catch and release traps everywhere and put the best food in them for so long, but he never used them.” yea, i said. i was exhausted.

2/8/24

I was just thinking it’s weird how logically I always knew that humans need to sleep to be healthy and survive. And then I lost so much sleep for two years breastfeeding baby, but still, it wasn’t until I went to the doctor and he told me point-blank that sleep was the most important thing and if I didn’t get enough sleep, nothing else we tried would work. It wasn’t until I was told by someone else who had a (very expensive) professional opinion, that I really started to take it seriously. Like why couldn’t I take it seriously before that? maybe I was just too out of it, and needed someone else’s direction- someone sane, focused, and trustworthy – because I couldn’t trust myself in the messed-up state I was in. Like i didn’t know up from down at that point…i couldn’t focus on what i needed to do without outside help.

2/10/24

card of the day

1/31/24

Hunter was pushing on my belly and said, “bouncy. Like a trampoline.”

then he put his foot on it and said, “i’ll jump on your mashed potato”

2/1/24

I think that I need to get down to his level more. And also, he doesn’t have words yet to describe exactly how he feels, the self-awareness to describe or place it or anything, and it’s my job as his mother to read all the signs he gives for what he needs (like needing to play) and try to give him what he needs as best I can, and not use my physical strength and maturity over him to further my own agenda at the moment. If that makes sense. I’m only learning.

(by way of explanation: he kept climbing over me and trying to touch my laptop while I was trying to work, and I kept telling him not to. I told him at least three times that if he did it again, I would put him outside the room and lock the door, and I know he understood, but he did it again, and again, and so I just kept my word and lifted him up and placed him outside the room, shut the door and locked it. He immediately scream-cried, like I had abandoned him. I felt really bad, but I needed to regroup myself and calm down. He scream-cried for a minute, but as soon as I heard him cry-ask, “Mama, open the door”, I opened it for him.But like the better thing I could’ve done, looking back, is recognized he needed to let out some energy and directed his energy elsewhere somehow, instead of shutting him out.)

I think it would be funny to do like the opposite of a prenup: an agreement like if you divorce the person, you get a million dollars and a vacation home on an island and everything material you want- just as a test of how willing you are to stay with them and how much you want them.

I think that everything they tell you to fear, it’s just the opposite. Especially with aging. 

I have so many questions for God. One being spam. Like what do spammers get out of it? Just fun?

2/2/24

drew this card when I asked “what can I do about my PMS?” (had it particularly bad this cycle)

1/23/24

The pest control people visit yesterday actually gave me a lot of relief.  I was thinking the worst, but he said as they were inspecting the basement that it doesn’t look like there’s any colony or nest – rather just one or two rogue mice that recently got in. when the weather suddenly gets cold, he said it’s very common, and then Rodrigo had just torn apart our sunroom a few months ago to try and build a bathroom, but stopped and left it kind of in disarray, and they think maybe that’s where the mice were getting in. also we have these old heating boards in all the rooms, they think maybe they were traveling behind them, is why we can’t catch them. Rodrigo built some insulation around the downstairs ones after the inspection – he said it was something he’d been meaning to do but never gotten around to it. The estimate was $500, so R is going to try to do all the recommendations himself – it’s basically just sealing up the little openings in the sunroom area. we also went to Home Depot together last night, and got more super strong peppermint pouches and some spray that was just like garlic, cinnamon, peppermint and food grade preservative, and sprayed/put them all (somewhat strategically) around the house. The catch and release traps are all still around too, but looks like the mouse isn’t falling for any of them.

1/26/24

every day that I take my socks off and they slide off easily without peeling any skin off, I’m so thankful. It was horrible and like that for so long and I don’t think I’ll ever forget that feeling. have not touched steroids in weeks and weeks; they are gathering dust where they sit.

today was the first day he ever woke up from a nap and didn’t make us/need us to come to him through calling or crying; he surprised us both by pitterpattering into the living room, his hair sticking straight up, holding a bottle of Poland Spring and asking R to open it for him so he could drink. 

took care of Baby all day by myself, and I thought everything would be fine, because I had no work, but by the end of the day (it’s 8:40 PM right now), I feel like just laying down and crying. Things were OK until he threw this horrible crying fit/tantrum in the middle of changing him- the first half of changing was fine, I got his diaper and pants on without complaint- but then, when I tried to put on his shirts he wouldn’t stop screaming-crying, but he also didn’t want me to let him out of my arms, so I could tell he was tired. He wouldn’t speak and tell me exactly what he wanted, which was another indication. After like 20 minutes of intense crying and angry, full body rigidity spasms is the best I can describe it, he finally fell asleep in bed with his butt sticking up in the air, for near three hours.  I spent the time while he was napping making homemade spaghetti with a ground lamb and peas sauce, and just felt bad when he wouldn’t touch it. Worried about him getting his nutrition. Felt helpless during the crying tantrum. Just want to go isolate myself upstairs for the rest of the night now, which I can do now that R is home, and I will do right after I make him some blueberry muffins (his favorite) (he wouldn’t touch these either, and I had to give them away to our neighbor).

1/27/24

and then, the other week, it was the first night he fell asleep with me and R without asking me for nene (to breastfeed). He did ask at first, but we told him I would go away if he kept asking, so he stopped, and just went to sleep. I was afraid this would never end, but it seems like it’s ending. and just yesterday, when he was crying so hard because he needed a nap, I was afraid he would ask for it, but he still didn’t ask, he just cried himself to sleep. which I don’t know which was worse now, actually. Because it was so hard for me just watching him cry while holding him, but not being able to soothe him. if he asked in that moment, I would’ve given it.

1/30/24

haven’t seen any sign of mouse for a few days now… feeling pretty safe from it. R built molding around the heating boards downstairs and also ripped up over half of the carpet in the basement and moved stuff around cleaning down there, sealed up the holes in the sunroom, and sprayed that strong garlic peppermint spray. So we think all that might’ve driven him/them away.

1/15/24

I was definitely not obsessed with him when he was a baby, I think, because it was just taking so much out of me physically just to survive every day and care for him, that I didn’t have the energy left over to be. But now that I’m slowly assimilating into “normal” consciousness again, and he is so cute, I am kind of getting obsessed with him. like I cry when I leave him with someone else who will watch him, and when he’s not here, I think of him all the time.

1/16/24

walked in the snow today. my absolute favorite part was seeing the animal tracks coming out of and back into the forest, trying to imagine what kind of little animal crisscrossed our backyard this morning and hopped up on the woodpile there and back down then up onto a tree trunk and disappeared back into the woods. went to the park too and saw small-medium prints close by the treeline there too, was delighted. maybe a dog or cat or beaver or even a fox- i saw one once in these woods, fiery orange.

today was a really good day re the dizziness; didn’t feel it much at all. i even, while cleaning the bathtub, didn’t have my hair back so was swinging my head weird while cleaning to get the hair out of my face and was scared that might trigger it, but it didn’t.

1/17/24

when I asked, what should I do about the mouse?

1/19/24

Happy to report: the dizziness is like all gone. I can get up and lay down as fast as I want- I don’t feel it anymore. And the unsettling feeling I had in my stomach is gone too. 

Unhappy to report: we have mice in the house. Sunday night 1/14 is the first time I saw it, I went to pick up a napkin off the counter, and something ran out, really small and gray. I was shocked, because I’ve never seen a mouse in a house before in my life. but I’ve come to learn through googling that they’re very common and invasive, especially in winter when they need warmth and shelter, and we do live right next to a forest, in an old house. so we set out a DIY trap, but didn’t catch him. Then on Tuesday night, I spotted him again – I just happened to look up as he was scurrying behind things on the kitchen counter. Called R to come down and together we finally caught him via R vacuuming him up in his big industrial vacuum and letting him loose outside. we felt pretty satisfied with ourselves, until the next night, Wednesday night, we were just laying in bed falling asleep, i was laying still with my arms around R and I felt teeth go down around the knuckle of my pointer finger on my left hand. Not small bug-like teeth – the sharp ones that a mouse would have. We jumped up and searched everywhere, but couldn’t find anything. But found more mouse droppings in the closet with brooms and cleaning supplies and also in Hunter’s play teepee. the bite left a little red dot with some redness around it, but nothing too bad, and after two days, it’s not red anymore. so the next morning, Thursday, I started contacting pest control people. and that night, Rodrigo came home with a bunch of traps and deterrent and stuff which we put them all around the house. in addition to this whole week, we have been cleaning and rearranging and decluttering and getting all food off the counter and everything like that. But this morning we woke up without finding anyone trapped yet. I did find a big hole dug in the soil of one of my houseplants though, which scared me because there’s definitely something still here. With teeth. That bites in the dark, unprovoked. That is so elusive we can’t find it even though we turn things upside down. So, to be continued. Trying not to stress, but when I think about it, it does stress me out because there’s just so much constant cleaning of every corner of the house involved, every day. I feel like the cleaning will never end.

again asked what should I do about the mice:

1/20/24

with skin it’s still not bad, but feet got a bit worse, I think maybe because I was getting too lax/overconfident with diet? Because they had been getting better, so i was allowing more of the no-no categories in (eggs,dairy). Had a Martins potato bun last night which has wheat and I itched my foot this morning – should not have had it.

1/10/24

last night, went to bed around usual time,
midnight, and was feeling fine, even good, because we had just had sex and then went to sleep right after. But this morning, very early around five when R’s alarm went off, when I lifted my head in the dark, it felt like the room was spinning a little. it wasn’t painful, and I thought nothing of it and put my head back down and went back to sleep. when I woke up for work later around 730, I actually felt less awake then than I did at 5 AM. And i felt the dizziness again, and when I tried to get out of bed, it got worse. I started feeling so bad: cold and clammy, almost sweating, shaky, like I was about to throw up. I wanted to go back to sleep, but I had to clock in, so I kept forcing myself to do everything and keep going. I sat at my desk where my laptop was and pulled the little trashcan next to me with my elbows on my knees and hovered my head over it. I didn’t barf, but still felt really bad, and after a while made myself get up and go to the bathroom, thinking that might help.  In the bathroom, I had to lean with my arm on the wall while on the toilet to steady myself, and did poo a little bit more than usual, but that was it. For the level of sickness I was feeling, I was expecting diarrhea or something, but none of that. I did feel a little better after the bathroom though. i’ve been taking it slow all day, and have not had any appetite. It is now almost 4 PM and I haven’t eaten anything at all (just had some sips of tea), and I don’t have any desire to, which is abnormal for me. I lined up a few things on the counter that I thought could be the culprit that I ingested last night – some lozenges, my latest batch of water kefir (just tasted a drop of it last night), and the celery juice I had been sipping on (I threw it out). I don’t know if it’s any of these though -I’ve had those lozenges and the kefir before without any adverse reaction. after going to bathroom in the morning, I thought I was in the clear, and got some work done. but then around noon, it happened again, while I was turning my head at a funny angle to hang up a wind chime in the kitchen, so that I had to lay down for a few hours, and when I turned my head in bed these past few hours laying down, I could still feel the dizziness come on. a little scared to get up. this morning when it first hit me, it felt so bad that the thought crossed my mind that I might die all alone in the house and no one would know until much later, because R had already left for work. I tried to keep my phone nearby whenever I moved so that I could possibly dial 911 if I collapsed, which felt like a super possibility.
I did feel a tiny sharp pain once today, around mid morning, in my stomach. it didn’t hurt that much but I think was out of the ordinary. 
no headache though or pain anywhere else besides the extreme dizziness/vertigo and nausea. 

1/11/24

when I asked what is up with this dizzy sickness:

took covid test, was negative.

1/12/24

The skin everywhere on my body still doing well, with nothing getting worse and no flareups, and I would say very incrementally getting better. I just have some dry heels on my feet from the winter weather, which are unsightly, but not painful. Nowhere near the pain I was in a few months ago, which every day kind of amazes me because I guess it was so ingrained and “remembered” in my body – the trauma of how I needed to move when I was in pain, the memories of waking and going to sleep in pain and just walking around doing chores and feeling socks sticking to feet plus the mental discomfort and all that- now that all that’s gone and I can move freely, it’s as if literal weights have been lifted off my body, which feels good, but also shocking. As if I had been living in a dark jail for so long, and now that I’m free, the daylight is blinding my eyes a bit. i’m not complaining at all (please never let me go back), just describing how it is. The other day, Hunter stomped down on the top of my foot while we were playing, and it didn’t faze me at all. As soon as he did that, and it didn’t hurt, I realized that a few months ago, the same move would’ve kind of ruined my day. I’m physically in a really different place now. It seemed so inescapable when I was in the thick of it.

card of the day:

1/13/24

am feeling lately like i’m finally starting to emerge from this long battle with physical exhaustion since baby’s birth two years ago. i was wondering why it seems like it lasted so much longer than two years, then i realized that not sleeping for two years = 4 years awake.

1/14/24

these past few days, the dizziness has not gone away, but seems to be gradually lessening in severity. Like the first day I was afraid I would lose consciousness and it was the worst, whereas today I can kind of “control” the nausea if I just change my head angle or body position – I kind of figured out what triggers it now (basically laying down and sitting up suddenly). appetite also very gradually started to return – today i ate pretty normally, though still feel a little stomach weirdness/urge to fast lurking.