2/19/24
The wedding last night was so beautiful. During the ceremony, my body surprised me by choking up when officiate spoke the phrase, “forsaking all others” – i’m not sure why. I pictured the image of R and I running through separate battlefields, and all the “others” being like hidden bombs, and trying to avoid them. Like…marriage is a test and a skill in that way, maybe. also, the idea of turning my back on a lot of other possibilities by choosing one specific person- it feels bittersweet sometimes, although I don’t regret anything.
so for the wedding, it started for me around 530 (though I started getting ready a few hours before) and went through the night with an afterparty at Fergies pub, (which was actually pretty cool because me and R caught a comedy show upstairs and laughed hard for a bit and then came back down to rejoin our party) and didn’t get back to the hotel till about two in the morning. lots of people there that I never met before, and tho fun and I think a much-needed night out after being confined at home for so long, for an introvert like me, it was pretty mentally/emotionally exhausting. when I got home today, finally able to be alone, had a mix of good feelings:
I felt this pride at- it sounds weird- but still being able to look pretty. I wasn’t sure if I still could, because for the last 2.5 years ever since Hunter was born, it’s been basically zero makeup daily, living in PJs/sweatclothes. I’d really forgotten what it felt like to dress up and go out. I was kind of scared that I wouldn’t be able to do it, for some reason. so that was fun, and felt like an accomplishment. The other dominating feeling I got upon arriving home and settling back in was utter relief – how I loved and missed my house- overwhelmed me. Just everything about it: the location, the silence, the rooms, even the ever-present possibility of running into the mouse- it all felt like this beautiful dance that was mine alone to dance, and I just felt so in love with everything about the place, after just being in a lot of places that were unfamiliar and strange – the Philly streets were too cold at every hour I walked them – afternoon, evening, and morning- and the hotel and just all the unfamiliar people and places…
on the flipside of feeling pretty/luxurious and like basking in that contentment, I noticed that the homeless on the streets seemed worse than the last time I was in philly. From the time I left Lindenwold station in Jersey late afternoon until the time we left Philly the next morning, I must have encountered/been asked for help maybe 6-7 times… it makes me kind of mad at the government, I guess at the city level, but maybe also state and country level. Like why aren’t you helping these people. why are you letting people live like this? Why are you passing these people – witnessing how they live – and not doing anything when you have the power to? Yesterday when I was just about to walk through the Patco turnstile at Lindenwold after purchasing my ticket, this dude came up to me and asked if he could walk in behind me, basically using my one ticket for both of us, and my first response was “yeah,sure.” At the time I was a little surprised, because that never happened to me before, but now that I think about it, I wish I could let more people walk in behind me. just swipe my ticket and let everyone through.
2/20/24
I feel like if or when Hunter’s heart gets broken, this is the best place for him to live. All this grass and these trees – striding through them, they’ll absorb his pain. Miles of nature paths to discharge bad energy. It’s the best and most beautiful place, even in dead winter. I think we shouldn’t move from here, unless the new place has this kind of environment. I remember being heartbroken in the city, and it felt like my pain just ricocheted off all the concrete and buildings straight back into my body.
2/23/24
today was the first time we went to the playground and i had like real fun. up until now it’s been me following him around there making sure he doesn’t fall or trip or knock his head on things- basically being his human bumper/assistant. but today (with the playground to ourselves), he ran around and seemed so self sufficient. i still followed him cause there are high places he could fall from, but for the first time, we slid down slides together, merry go rounded together, climbed the rope net side by side. it was so fun and i was proud of him.
also tonight was the first night i watched him fall asleep as i was telling him a story. his eyes got heavier and heavier until they were closed and he looked angelic. he didn’t breathe a word about nene (breastfeeding). i think it’s officially over.
2/25/24
yesterday, we were in Hunter’s aunt’s trailer that she’s leaving parked in our backyard, and he was going through the drawers, and took out two kitchen tools he wanted to bring into the house. I told him he could only take one thing, and to choose. He kept wanting to take both, and I kept refusing, and finally he said “OK, I’ll take this one and you take this one.”
also, he’s been correcting people on words (the pronunciation) and movements (the exact execution) that he’s only just learned, with this very authoritative tone in his little voice- it’s really funny.
Marriage Journal 