2/14/24
R’s been staying home a lot lately, because finding work has been slow. I really like having him home, but also feel bad that he’s not working/making money as much as he wants. But today started out with him joking that we should make an Only Fans account to make some extra money. We laughed about it and I said half seriously, “OK, if you sign us up I’ll do it!” But at the end of the day, after him contacting his leads without much success, he signed us up. We were trying to think of a username, and when I suggested one and it was available, I fell over laughing on the couch just from the absurdity of it all. I don’t know, we’ll see how it goes. he said he’ll film us and cut out the parts that show our faces, so it’s just our bodies.
skin had been good lately, but the past like week, starting on Friday, I ate more dairy: butter (in biscuits) and buttermilk and milk/condensed milk, and coincidingly, areas on my feet and hands (and neck a little) started to flare. Definitely have to stay away still from this food category. *2/16: The chocolate fudge I made (with condensed milk) him for valentine’s day was so good though that I was (and am) eating it every single day.
2/15/24
Today since I woke up in the morning, until now 3:20 PM, have been blowing my running nose literally every 5 to 10 minutes. Not sure why, if it’s dust or what? Did the mouse die somewhere under the fridge and releasing something in the air? (update 2/16: no, he didn’t, because this morning found a few droppings, just like three- in a corner. So he’s still around.)
just realized something I might have done unknowingly (subconsciously?) that is working in my favor: choose someone whose mannerisms you love. Like the (mostly physical) little tendencies they have regarding the way they move and walk and talk… because if you marry them, these are things you will live with daily, and it’s just so nice to love the mannerisms because I will be seeing them over and over for the rest of my life. like when I’m in a shaky-ground moment where it could go either way, he moves in his certain way or speaks in his certain way that I love, and it pushes everything towards the good, positive side for me. It happens a lot I think- maybe more than I’m fully conscious of.
going to a wedding this weekend (R’s best friend getting married). was looking over the itinerary just now and it’s kind of extended- there’s a welcome party on Saturday night at one pub, Sunday night is the actual wedding, and then after the wedding there’s an afterparty until like midnight at another pub. One of my first thoughts when realizing how much time we might be out was: if I was breastfeeding still, I could never do this – i couldn’t attend everything planned here. It was so different, that world – that world of Hunter being just-born and our bodies so attached – so needing to be in close proximity to each other all the time. It was a 24/7 constriction/restriction unlike anything i’ve ever experienced. I am glad it’s over and that I can go to things outside of the house without needing to worry about it anymore – it was one of the biggest burdens i’ve ever felt. But there’s also this tiny, like 10% wistful feeling of “it’ll never be like that again.” when I was going through it, it felt so torturous and neverending. But now that I’m pretty safely out of that stage, I guess in the big picture, it was a (relatively?) short (but extremely intense) period of my life. I wish I’d been more prepared, so it wouldn’t have been so hard, and maybe I wouldn’t have gotten so sick during and after. but I really didn’t know to expect it…so many times since the baby was born, I wish I had lived in a community/commune-type environment with lots of people to help. I feel like that’s the ideal baby-raising environment.
2/16/24
last night on the couch after watching our show (Six feet under, only one season left), and after R had gone on about the extra expenses he had lately and I could feel his worry and frustration and wanted to make him feel better, I propped up my phone and hit record and just started taking off my clothes, and he realized what I was doing (trying to make a video for our new channel) and went along with it. but in general, I didn’t like it. I felt like we were performing – that because we were recording like our most intimate act- purportedly for people to watch- that the phone was a kind of intruder, and I resented it and wouldn’t look at it when R picked it up and was moving it all around. I felt R’s energy change, too, in a direction I didn’t like actually, and was near tears by the end. I think he felt really bad about it, because this morning, he said I could just delete the video and then he was the one who initiated this time, without any phone – just us, like it always was- and was much more gentle/himself. I liked it much better. I noticed we were quieter without the camera, and (i felt) less inhibited, more wholly involved. No thought of pleasing an audience. He kissed me more times than usual; it all felt like an apology and telling me he loved me all at once. When it was over I was so happy and relaxed and reassured that i fell asleep, at like 10:30 in the morning.
Marriage Journal 