2/28/24
just felt a feeling that’s hard to describe. im in such an “ordinary” moment right now. 10:00 at night, on the couch with my husband, he just came back from the kitchen and is sitting with his arm around me. but i just felt so…grateful and happy. to have his big warm body pressed next to me, our respective warmths flowing back and forth between us, easy feelings. That it feels so easy between us.
3/3/24
Best moment today: I was watching Baby alone, but the day was so beautiful, especially compared to the day before, which was all cold and rainy. Today was beautiful, bright and sunny and warm. Baby woke me up with kisses and saying that he needed a hug, and i fell asleep last night in the same bed with him telling me that he loved me and I was his best friend. lol. But the best moment today was, we were waiting for Granny to stop by, so I took him outside and we were walking up and down the road looking for her car, and then I turned onto the wide asphalt road that leads to the park to kill some more time, had him hop up on my back, and i just started running with the fresh morning air all around us, and when he started laughing and smiling when I began to run- that was the best moment of the whole day. oh his laugh. his smile.
3/4/24
something was bothering me since last night, but now that I think about it, it wasn’t that big a deal. It was: we were watching Six Feet Under and (spoiler alert), we’re at the episode where Nate has sex with Maggie, while newly married to Brenda. During the scene, I got disgusted and was like “nooo!” and then R retorted, “but Brenda did the same to him,” to which I replied, “but they weren’t married at the time – they were engaged – being married is different.” R didn’t respond, and at the time I took it as that he disagreed, and I read into it even further that maybe he didn’t think that infidelity during marriage was a big deal? It seemed such a logical inference at the time- I don’t know why- but now that I think about it for the purposes of journaling, his silence could’ve also meant he agreed with me. or that he wasn’t sure, or maybe he was just tired. but I think definitely it wasn’t some red flag or anything I thought it was at the time. coincidentally, earlier that same day yesterday, I had been out to lunch with my mom, and even though she really does not know R’s personality like I do, she will suddenly say stuff like, “he’s young/handsome – you have to be careful and don’t let yourself go” implying that there’s this really high chance of him cheating, even though again- she doesn’t really know him, and he and I, as far as I know, have no history of cheating in our official relationship. She’s “implied” this to me like seven different times over the years when we have conversations alone. So it could’ve been that was in the back of my mind last night when R and I were talking about it during the show, and I jumped to conclusions.
But I was also thinking – even in the presumably worst case scenario of R cheating… maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. I could start over, in a way. I liked dating – I thought it was fun and exciting – and I could do that again. And I was also thinking that to ask someone to stay sexually faithful to you for their whole lives is kind of a big thing to ask, and I respect people that actually do it. and for people that “fail”at it, I understand because of how hard it is. And like who am I to think that I am so captivating, when I don’t even really try nowadays? Like I live in sweatpants/house clothes, I wear zero make up. I am pretty open when he initiates, but I mostly stopped initiating as much since Hunter was born because I was busy trying to recover and not like die from a major recurring illness. So what makes me think that I deserve his sole sexual attention like forever? Maybe it’s not a reasonable expectation? But on the other hand, why even get married then, if you don’t expect that?
since about last night, though I’m sure it had been building up for weeks or even months, skin is pretty bad/a little painful (painful meaning like my skin feels irritated enough that my clothes- socks, shirts- cause discomfort when I move). on hands, feet are the worst, a bit on both nipples, and neck is itchy. Definitely not the worst it’s ever been, but I believe it’s just been building up from since like the holidays when I was very lax regarding dairy and egg and everything intake, then came Valentine’s Day when I made that chocolate fudge with condensed milk and ate it every single day until it was gone, and up until recently, when I’ve just been very lax with diet, eating stuff with eggs and/or milk in it, eating dairy ice cream, had a bite of muffin made with wheat today. but about two nights ago is when it started to cross over from just an annoyance and into painful territory, which I don’t ever want to go there again. So today ordered some glutathione and boswellia, two supplements I was on when I was getting better but had since stopped, and also cleaning up diet as of today (some celery juice, less sugar, NO more eggs or milk, ordered some Daily Harvest, trying for “good” non-conventional meat). Hopefully this will help me make a quick U-turn.
3/5/24
seem to have a lot more energy today than usual. Maybe because I started taking care of myself better, slept a little more last night (though not ideal amount).
Marriage Journal 