4/19/21

Last night, ate at Chef Chan’s – it was nice, me and R sat at the only table in the restaurant they allowed open – it was like we had a private dinner. We were the only ones sitting down in the whole place, in our own private corner that was maybe like 20 feet away from the staff. Everyone still wore masks, us too unless we were eating. He got curry chicken and lots of appetizers, I got Alaskan roll sushi and bbq ribs. At the end, they gave us two fortune cookies. R took his first and then I took mine and before I opened mine I said, “this will be the baby’s fortune.” R was like ok and I opened it and it was about music. I forget what it said exactly, but it was something about music being the poetry and beauty of all things. I wish I kept it! It was pretty, and one I never read before.

Weighed myself this morning before eating, im 109!?!

4/21/21

when I slouch over, the underside of my boobs rest against the top of my tummy now. never felt this before.

4/22/21

last night in bed, I think I was in between sleeping and waking and just holding my belly, rubbing it gently, and thought I felt something move. Or moving.  I’m not sure though if what I felt was the baby. it did kind of feel different/like it wasn’t me.

had first ultrasound today, the 20-week, head-to-toe, “complete” one of baby. she (the ultrasound technician) said he was wiggling and moving a lot (it did seem like he was hard to catch, she was moving the wand around trying to catch him), and at one point he flipped around. Like at the beginning his head was down and his back towards my spine, then (near the end of the appt) he flipped (the other way?) she said. At one point stuck his whole package at us (that’s what she said at least, I couldn’t tell) facing the camera, like the scrotum and penis and everything in our faces lol. He kept putting his (I think left) arm over his forehead or face like how R does all the time when he’s sleeping or wants to go to sleep. I was surprised by how much he moved, bc I couldn’t feel all that movement, but I could see it on the screen. I was so relieved when she counted his fingers and toes and there were five each…idk, I was just afraid that nothing would be “normal” and kept looking for signs of confusion or shock on the technician’s face… but everything was normal, in the end.

I was also surprised by how detailed the scan was…she (the ultrasound technician) was pointing out every little body part, even names of parts I’d never heard of. Different parts of the brain, she pointed out his earlobe(s). She pointed out his eye sockets, tongue, mandible, shoulders, spine, cross section of spine, vena cava, arms and its bones, both hands and counted all the fingers (it was kind of blurry and I wasn’t sure), his heart and different chambers and parts of his heart, his kidneys, pointed out his dick & scrotum a few times lol, legs, tibia and femur and stuff, again a bunch of parts I never heard of so I can’t remember, and his left foot and his right foot, she counted the toes (which again were blurry on the screen so I wasn’t sure and glad she counted them out, because it looked to me that he had six toes at one point). Even his positioning in my uterus(?), the placenta and like where his belly button connected, the blood flow in and out, how much space there was between everything (she said it looked good). He also did a funny chewing motion for a few moments that made me laugh, we got it on video. when I saw it I said, “Is he chewing on something!?” it looked so funny, and she said he was just suckling in there or something. R couldn’t come (no visitors cause of COVID restrictions). Tried to Facetime w/R during, but the connection was bad, even when we tried the hospital wifi. He couldn’t hear anything or really see. But I sent him that video of baby chewing, lol. He thought it was cool.

But actually seeing him with my eyes I think made it realer. That I’m carrying him. Like when I’m winded and out of breath just from walking up the stairs now, I don’t feel like I’m imagining something’s there or faking it…I know I’m actually carrying that little human bundle everywhere I go now, and that’s why it’s harder to move, not through any weakness of mine or anything. Like that I’m not exaggerating or being overdramatic when I’m moaning and groaning getting up and moving around; that there’s really something in there making it harder and more uncomfortable/challenging for me – I feel justified.

4/23/21

feeling hungry maybe less often lately, and less sure about exactly what I want to eat. This is different from 1st trimester when I was definitely hungry every 2-3 hours and knew specifically what I wanted and didn’t want to eat, even dreaming about specific foods at night. Eating sweets and desserts slightly more (more sweet chai drink, ice cream, cinn bun, brownies, etc.) but I think still not too much. Still eating fruits, all kinds, and some veggies- I try to eat a lot of vegs but I think most of my diet is actually meat and carbs, like pasta w/shrimp, beef pho, etc. Drinking a lot of milk lately—chocolate milk and regular milk mixed with soy chai drink. I pretty much always feel like eating sushi, from 1st trimester until now.

4/12/21

I don’t want to wear pillowcase-shaped maternity clothes.

sometimes as soon as I change one underwear because it’s too wet, I soak the new pair with milky fluid, and have to change one more time AND add a pad so I don’t have to change again too soon.

4/13/21

past few days, feels like my belly has like doubled in size. Maybe even over the course of like two nights. Today I felt this stretching feeling, like the skin of my belly is being stretched taut, it feels so big. I feel such a “full” feeling now, even when I’m hungry, because my belly is always sticking out now.

4/14/21

Starting to be not able to breathe if I don’t sit up straight. I think because baby getting bigger- taking up more room.

Last night, R did a really small thing, but idk why, it really made me feel loved and touched my heart, and I’m still thinking about it the next day. Usually at night I rub his back until I’m too tired to do any more and then I kiss him and creep out of his room quietly. If he’s still conscious when I go, he’ll usually turn with sleepy eyes and just say “Boa noite amor” and turn back to sleep. But last night, as I was leaving, he was still awake and turned as I was rising from the bed and reached out for me with both arms, doing almost a full situp in the process, I was surprised, he wouldn’t stop reaching for me so I leaned back in towards him, and he wanted to kiss me on the lips, and he did, and it was warm and nice. And then I left, tingly.

4/16/21

I think what makes you feel most blessed in the world is actually not perfect circumstances. It’s being able to say “despite.” Like, despite _____, you feel happy, healthy, peaceful, blessed, etc. Because I felt like that, today.

I was thinking maybe it’s a good thing pregnant ladies can’t drink anyway. Cause…even sober, I’m losing my balance sometimes. it seems like it’s usually when I’m leaning over too far (in the shower, putting on shoes, etc.). Like since my center of gravity is changing maybe, I can’t judge it as well, how to balance. I’m not familiar with my gravity center anymore. I am almost falling over sometimes, so if I was drunk in this state… I think I might hardly be able to walk/maybe hurt myself by accident.

today was the first time I saw a mom jogging down the street with a baby stroller and didn’t think it looked stupid. I usually do, lol. But today I was like…”wow. look at how much she’s doing and already done.” I was impressed and…respected her.

4/18/21

I miss being able to lift my knees up straight in front of me. Also, never realized how convenient it was to be able to get up from sitting without leaning on anything for support. I’m always putting my hand down on something and leaning on it before I get up now.

4/6/21

gentle beginnings elmer office called me this morning, at 9:11 AM with my test results. they told me I’m low risk for genetic abnormalities w/the baby, and that I’m carrying a boy. I facetimed w R shortly after to tell him, he was by himself at our house working on it, putting new insulation in the walls, so much work to be done there that I can’t really help him with cause all the dust and chemicals. I told him it was a boy and he reacted with this big smile, this big grin, we were just smiling at each other, then he said he thought maybe I was tricking him just to see his reaction before I told him it was a girl, lol (he is the only boy from a family of four sisters). I was like, no, it’s a boy.

one of my first thoughts upon finding out “boy”: I’m afraid, since he will be stronger, that  he will have the tendency to be mean or overpower girls, and want to teach him otherwise.

4/7/21

last night in bed, R said,  “uh oh, there’s gonna be another man sucking your nipples. I have competition!” and we laughed. I replied, “No, you’re always #1. You’re the papa.” and he smiled.

4/8/21

I was thinking when I walked by the kids’ playground w/jungle gym the other day that it looked fun, but as an adult I don’t really have an excuse to play on all that stuff, until I have a baby and then – they can be my excuse : )

4/10/21

Today went with R to work on the house, he built a thing in the backyard from scratch in a few hours to store all the baseboard and trim, and we moved all those parts there, so there would be room for the drywall to be delivered and stored in the house- we’re re-drywalling the whole house. while I helped I got to watch him work and move all around me, and we laughed a lot and chit chatted while working, and the sun came out and it was nice out, I even got hot and had to take off my coat, and then my sweater, and by the time we left was just in my tank top. Near the end of our work, it was around 1 or 2 pm, I thought to myself: “if I’ve lived any other lives before…this life is my favorite one.” I can’t get enough of him: watching him, talking with him, being with him.

3/29/21

a few weeks ago, started memorizing Psalm 91, I’m almost done memorizing it now. I repeat it to myself a lot to help remember, and I think that if I can know it well  by heart, I feel like it will help me. With this whole journey, and the birth.

started wearing my pants lower than normal cause to wear it where I normally do interferes with the growing bulge I have, kind of cuts through the middle of the bulge which feels weird. a side effect of this is that when I sit I can feel my buttcrack showing. but what can I do? ugh. I just have to make sure no one is behind me and keep tugging them up when I stand up.

3/30/21

just read, “If we stop using a muscle regularly, it gets weak” as: “if we stop using a miracle regularly, it gets weak.”

R did something really cute last night – he was walking up the stairs behind me (at mom and dad’s house) and saw I was struggling – I was groaning again from the extra weight, upon reaching the top, and for the last few stairs at the top, he put both his hands on my ass cheeks and pushed up, helping me get past the last stairs, boosting me up. It was funny and also really helped, lol.

changing my underwewar like 5+ times a day because wetter now all the time (apparently a side effect of pregnancy). how could I do this if I were still going to the office? (I’d just have to wear bulky/uncomfortable pads/pantiliners every day.)

3/31/21

kinda miss my period like how I missed the seasons changing when I lived in florida for a year. it helped me…divide time, have a sense of time and its passing, know “where” I was in my season. There was a sense of reliability and predictability my period brought- I knew it would happen like the rising of the sun and appearance of the moon. Yeah it was inconvenient dealing with the blood, and I don’t miss that. I just miss…telling time with my body. Or, my body telling me what time it was. I feel like I’m still in touch with time, that maybe I haven’t lost anything really, that it’s just more subtle now. Like the past few nights, I’ve been asking R when he’s waking up the next day (he gets up at different time every morning) just to see if my body will naturally wake me around the same time, and it does. He wakes up so, so early- way earlier than I need to wake up, but I’ve still been waking at those times he’s giving me, is how I know my internal clock is still working.

4/1/21

something I promised myself this morning after being kind of snapped at by mom twice in the last two days (once while she was worked up while cleaning and upon seeing me trying to fit something into the fridge, was like, “have some common sense!” and took the pot from me and fit it in herself- and then this morning when I told her what I fed the cats and she totally misheard what I fed them and said that I would give Baby diarrhea with that food): I will always have patience with my kid, and listen to her or him. I won’t…give them this feeling like if they are not what I expect—if they are not up to a certain standard I have—that I love them any less. I won’t ever suddenly “take back” my love or attention or approval because of anything they show me, unless it’s something heinously immoral (like rape, or murder…). Even little things like lies or hitting or stealing, I will not take away my love and attention. I will try to address the root of the problem, try to figure it out, talk it through, God help me. Because through mom, I realize that this is one of the worst feelings to have, as a child of someone. She’s a really good mom and I love her, but I remember how she kept telling me how ugly I looked with no makeup on, when we were on the plane flying to China for vacation many years ago, how it brought me to such a state that at the airport where we next had a layover, as I looked over the edge of the 3rd or 4th floor balcony, I thought about just jumping off – how it would be so easy—as I leaned over and looked down. I think that was the only time in my life I ever seriously thought about killing myself. I think that parents have so much reach, so much effect on the child, no matter the kind of cold front the child puts up. I can’t forget this—how precious their feelings are, no matter how small they are, no matter how many words they can’t say yet. Please don’t let me forget this. Please don’t let me ever fail my child.

4/2/21

I want to go beyond seeming – into being.

4/3/21

every day i’m just side-eyeing my belly when i walk past mirrors, thinking, “i can’t believe this is happening.”

I feel like the best time to live in a nudist colony for me would be now. I’m spending much more time holding my pants out when I sit down (waists too tight now) and being otherwise uncomfortable in my bottom-half clothes. And now I’m trying to figure out, since I plan to breast feed, how I can do it “discreetly” (that is, how not to show my nipple which might make ppl uncomfortable, but also give baby airflow to breathe and not cover him up while he’s eating) when I’m around people – right now it seems there’s no solution to this. All these problems could be solved in an instant if I just didn’t need to wear clothes.

3/22/21

when I look in the mirror, the bigger my stomach gets, the more scared I get about how it’s going to come out. like if it remained a small bump, I wouldn’t be so worried, I could fathom the mechanics, the logistics maybe, of it coming out. But the bigger and bigger it gets, the more I think it will have trouble coming out- the more I am wondering, “HOW?” So I’m looking at myself in the mirror these days fascinated as it grows but also pretty worried at the same time.

3/23/21

“It’s best to work through any regrets now, before sleep deprivation and other realities of having a newborn compound your sadness.” – https://www.parents.com

nipples more sensitive past few weeks and currently; just the slightest brush against them with clothes can feel so strong and almost irritating.

3/24/21

Lately when I stand up fast or while lying in bed i flip myself over from lying on one side to my other side, or make similar movements, I think I can feel the baby bobbing around in my lower abdomen, like sloshing around. Like swishing back and forth. I never felt this feeling before, this bobbing thing that feels kind of loose and detached among my organs. It’s like this little heavy extra thing that’s there.

3/25/21

Dear God

thank you for the chaos that Rodrigo has brought to my life. Thank you for his intuition, for his direction, for his wavelength and frequency that I almost 100% of the time get, and thank you for his wildness. Bless my husband Lord, as much as one can be blessed, and protect him please God, in all ways someone can be protected. Thank you that this chaos (with the baby and the house on top of regular work for us both) is helping us learn more about each other—how thorough we both are, our follow-through or lack of, our communication skills, the limits and boundaries of our comfort zones and respective stores of patience. Thank you for how much the chaos teaches us. Such a test this time is, such a time of discovery, like the wedding planning was, but magnified maybe, different definitely. Thank you God for my husband. May I never fail him, and may he be the most blessed man in all the world. Amen.

3/27/21

I’m going through this phase where I can’t stop looking at my belly – it’s sticking out so much more than I’ve ever seen it stick out in my life. In the shower, I look down at my belly and wonder if the stream against it sounds to him like rain on a roof. Maybe also because the warmer weather = thinner clothes and less layering, which accentuate my unprecedented outline more and draws my eye to it.

3/28/21

just weighed myself, 7:48 AM, after using bathroom and before eating anything yet today, and I’m 104! that’s a 10-pound weight gain from when I first started this pregnancy.

3/15/21

I know this has happened so many times before in the world, and will continue to happen over and over til like the end of time. But I personally, for some reason, cannot fathom that something is growing in my belly. Like a pink flower or a bonsai tree or other foreign body is sprouting up in there, INSIDE my stomach right now alongside my intestines, my kidneys, my liver, surrounded by the rushing of my own blood. Growing into something so complicated and human and I don’t even have to contribute one conscious thought to the process—all I have to do is care for my body like I always did. And then it’s supposedly going to get big/resilient enough to pop itself out, by way of my most precious portal (which seems too small a portal for something like that to pop from- I remain double-confounded over this), and then it’s going to grow up probably taller than me, stronger than me, smarter than me. It’s a magical process yeah, but it’s also…just freaky, if you think about it. In an alien-invasion type of way.

I think at this point, I’m more freaked out than at peace about it. Like 70% of the time I’m wondering, “WHAT is happening in there?” and the other 30% I’m ok with it, just accepting, maybe curious. I wonder if I’ll feel like this all the way to the end, but I hope not. I want to get to that place of total blissful love and acceptance, if that place exists. I just find this such a weird state to be in. I didn’t anticipate how heavily-laden a pregnancy is with uncertainty and mystery and invisible elements… how these elements dominate from beginning to (presumably) end, and so in turn, demand a lot of faith— so much faith and support— or else you’re thrown off balance. Lots and lots of faith needed to balance out the uncertainty, the waiting and not knowing, your own mind and the fears harbored there- some fears you’ve never seen before, co-emerging for the first time with this new reality. The reality is so different from the playing-house, Barbie dream of long ago. I’m so happy it’s with my life love, that it was unexpected, that I am blessed with support and time and health. But at this point, it’s easier for me to picture myself, right after the baby is born, laughing uncontrollably at the absurdity of all that just happened, rather than crying tears of joy. The end product of this – a new person I have never met in my life, yet ORIGINATING from me and him- is so bewildering.

And the bodily effects meanwhile so personal and ongoing. When Rodrigo and I would be alone together, I thought THAT was the most intimate experience possible. Now along comes this situation—this other person never once leaving my body for months straight now, no matter where I go or what I do: sleeping, waking, anywhere. Eavesdropping on every conversation, smelling everything I smell, tasting everything I taste. His presence literally displacing my inner organs, taking over my body and my mind. What could be more intimate than this?

*

tonight R said as we were lying in bed, “I think our baby is nice. Because it’s not giving you any nausea or trouble or anything. I think it’s easy-going.”

3/17/21

if it was really purely a sex addiction, he could have chopped off his own dick. Even that would have made more sense and been less crazy than killing people. Killing women.

3/18/21

clothes and  bras are actually fitting me now, which feels (and looks) better. Before, even with size xs – the smallest sizes- I always felt like I was still a size too small.

3/19/21

‘your heart is so full of wonder that you’ll never feel extreme pain. the immensity of your wonder crowds out pain.’ I heard this when I was just daydreaming, wondering about how the birth will be again. Just wondering and wondering.

3/20/21

noticed lately that it’s harder to bring up my legs in front of my belly (such as when putting socks or boots on) cause the bulge is in the way and it puts pressure on something inside. I have to modify the movement by sticking legs out to the side, knees pointing outward, when I do these things. I think this looks cartoonish and a little undignified, but what else can I do.

Major craving for past like two weeks has been salad, with meat craving falling to the wayside. All kinds of salad are floating my boat: Greek with the feta and olives, Thai with the cabbage and lime dressing, regular homemade with whatever I have- loving grape tomatoes w/goat cheese & balsamic, simple Japanese salad with orange ginger dressing- I was obsessed with this ginger dressing for a few days and tried to order it in bulk from the local sushi place, but they wouldn’t sell it like that- just gave me an extra side of it. Also happy that I’m not really craving sugar/desserts/sweets. If anything, when I taste something too sweet now, it turns me off even more than when in non-pregnant state. I feel like he’s a good baby too, because he helps me eat better.

*

Just had the most incredible conversation with R tonight. I just mentioned while massaging him that I was glad he was calm and that I thought he would be a good dad. And he said he was glad I was calm too, and saying this seemed to spark some memory in him: he started telling me how when he was young, maybe a teenager, he used to think that maybe the one for him wasn’t born yet, because up to that point, he’d never met anyone that he really got along with or clicked with their personality. but every so often, he said, he would think to himself, “maybe she’s born today. maybe today, she was born, and I’ll meet her when she’s 18.” I never knew this about him, that he would have these kind of romantic thoughts of finding someone he got and who got him. It was really touching hearing him explain it that I kissed him in the middle of his explanation. He said to me, “I didn’t know that she was already born- she was just in another country.” I replied how crazy it was like..how all those years, every time I’d break up with someone and think I’d never be in love again- in those moments when I felt so hopeless about love, he was already backpacking towards me, getting closer and closer, and I never knew it. He chuckled, I know he understood. Then this conversation went even further in that I told him the reason I was glad he was calm was because I was remembering how dad hit us when we were younger, and that led me to think: I could never imagine R hitting our kid- because of his personality- the way he is- and that made me glad. Which sent us both on this tangent of our philosophy of hitting kids, which totally clicks, it turns out. how we both think that it doesn’t do any good to hit them, that it only makes them confused and fear and hate their parents, and even though it may be harder and take more effort and time, that we both wanted to avoid doing that and use other ways to discipline. we also sympathized with our parents- he was the one who brought it up- that it was probably only because they were treated that way when they were growing up is why they did it to us. We shared stories and it turns out both his mom and my mom had to endure similar punishments: his mom as a young girl in Brazil had to kneel on unripe green corn kernels, and my mom was made to kneel on rock salt, holding books, as punishment when she was a little girl in the Philippines. he said he thought it was like torture. I agreed. it made my heart so light and happy to connect with him on this level and to have this conversation that I didn’t realize was so important until we finished having it. I love him so much, my husband.

3/8/21

Today during breakfast, mom went to the kitchen to get her utensils and I heard something fall. She said from the kitchen, “a guy is coming to the house today.” I said, “who’s coming to the house?” I thought she meant a repair guy. And she said, “No I dropped a fork, that means a guy is coming. And if you drop a spoon it means a woman is coming. Filipino superstition.”

Since being pregnant, I feel like sometimes I go to sleep thinking what I want to eat the next day, and then the thought of eating that food is what gets me up the next morning.

3/9/21

just had a really simple thought, but it makes sense to me: why be afraid of something that my body naturally does? A natural body function? That would be like being afraid to take a pee, being afraid to take a poo, being afraid to eat and digest, being afraid to fart and burp, etc. Like, why be afraid of this one bodily function- birth- more than any other one? It’s true it’s kind of a bigger event than those listed, not such a daily event as them, but still. It’s still in the same category. And it doesn’t make sense to be afraid of them. To be afraid of birth would be like being afraid of falling asleep on a random night six months from now. It will just happen…and with every cell in my body, it was meant to happen.

3/10/21

I feel like pregnancy is a double-edged sword in that physically, I feel much more vulnerable with my stomach w the baby in it jutting out and my immune system supposedly down and more susceptible to bacteria and stuff and restrictions on lifting and all that, but at the same time…it feels like all my senses are sharpened and heightened – like mental purpose and clarity in some ways, smell, intuition, touch, sensual things like this.

last night was the first night that I didn’t need to put any heaters on. usually have the heated blanket and also a heating pad for my feet on all night, but it’s getting warmer now.

I think something good about working from home is this: I feel a greater satisfaction about work-life balance—I feel that the two are more balanced than if I had to go into office every weekday. In the traditional way, we spent most of our physical time—nearly all day—waking up early and going home in the evening—at the office. I feel that this schedule psychologically wears on a person, bit by bit. In the back of our minds, we feel we are giving too much by spending most of the week—and most of the days of those weeks—not with the people we love/at home. I am so much happier with this new work situation, and this increased satisfaction with my work makes me want to invest more in the company by staying and working here and continuing to do my best in all my work, just like I always did at the office, but I feel now with a more well-rounded sense of satisfaction with my job. This situation just makes more sense to me. It feels more logical when you factor in the relative shortness of life and how quickly it all goes by—who wouldn’t want more time at home? Or at least the choice? Time and freedom, such precious things.

the other day, R came home from work with two bouquets of flowers, really pretty, one red and one pink bouquet. Mom opened the door for him and he gave her one. She was like, “what’s this for?” and he said, “Happy Women’s Day!” and I laughed hearing it, coming down the stairs. And he gave the pink one to me. “Happy Women’s Day,” he said, and I gave him a kiss, it made me really happy. I had no idea he knew about the day and no idea he was bringing them.

Last night, we were watching The United States vs. Billie Holiday, and at some point, I think when we paused it to get up and get another snack and came back, before we resumed, R started just dancing waltz-like in the middle of the floor and smiled at me and opened his arms and we did a little dance in the living room together. It felt so natural, idk why. I mean I know why he did it—he was copying the way she was dancing in the movie…but I mean we didn’t say anything at all, and just did this. I feel like we communicate a lot with just body language, me and R. I feel like with my self-expression, I like using words best. But with another person…being physical is easiest and most enjoyable for me. It was nice. I like how we are constantly reading each other without words.

I feel maybe not as severely/desperately hungry the past few days—it’s more minor, when I’m hungry—the edge seems to be wearing off. I can go for longer without eating without feeling panic. Early in 1st trimester, for many weeks,  there was an underlying desperate-panicky feeling when I got hungry. Now it’s almost as if I’ve satisfied this “panic” enough times now and with enough food that something in my body has breathed a sigh of relief like, “Oh ok. Food we can get, and lots of it, and any time” and is backing off in a way, releasing hold of my appetite in a way. I feel calmer regarding food, much more than before, though am still enjoying it immensely when actually eating.

Lately I am eyeing my belly in the mirror when I lift my shirt and am thinking: “there’s definitely something in there.” it never pudged out this far before.

Stuff I thought tonight while doing walk around the field and suddenly a cop pulled up fast on the road that runs through it, stopped behind the lone vehicle parked there and turned his blinding red-and-blue lights on, and I kept on my usual route around the field perimeter and after I passed, he drove up behind me on the road while I was walking on the side, drove past me slowly and parked on the other side in the gravel lot:

I pass, barely- at night and with my hat over my eyes. In daylight, I do not pass. Also thought: if I, a NYC-born, able-bodied, small female US citizen who speaks nothing but English and have lived in this neighborhood for the past 25 years—if I feel scared of this cop in my own neighborhood, in my own field that I’ve walked since high school over twenty years ago, when it was pure field with none of the soccer goals or flood lights or fencing set up yet…if I worry for my safety and well-being in my most hometown place possible and in my element of elements (alone, walking): what kind of world will my daughter live in? What am I dragging her into? Where am I bringing her to? To what jails and prisons? Then…What am I doing? Why am I doing this—3-4 months pregnant? Why am I still carrying on with this and continuing with this? It happened naturally, but somehow…to continue through so much uncertainty seems absurd when I could just stop and know more things for sure. Why have I not stopped it? What hope do I have? There must be something I’m hoping – some hope that’s keeping me from terminating. What am I hoping for? What do I hope will happen?

3/11/21

just had a feeling and a knowing that I’m not sure how to exactly describe, but it goes like this: when you’re in a situation – any situation- where you kind of lose control completely (such as giving birth, such as flying through the air right after impact from an accident, things like this-) that’s kind of when your trust in life to take care of you is at its ultimate test: there’s nothing you can do in those moments except you either know you will be ok, or get full of fear. The feeling I just felt was: I looked forward to the birth BECAUSE it poses such a test. Like…I want to give myself up. I want to show you how much I trust you. I want you to know, and I want to know for myself. And it’s like the only way we can both know is to go through something difficult like this. Like…I’m looking forward to….experiencing how greatly you take care of me in my hour of need, when I have no control. I’m looking forward to you proving your love to me, and me proving my love for you through absolute trust. Because I feel it-I already know- I sense…I sense that you’ve prepared everything. That you are in the place I’m headed for, and you are right now embellishing it – making it so beautiful for when I get there. I know it.

yesterday, R got out early from work. He texted me to tell dad not to cook. He brought home all kinds of meat: steaks, pork sausages, chicken sausages, garlic bread from Brazilian market and grilled us our dinner outside (I cooked some string beans inside so we had at least one veggie dish). mom came home and was like “wow! so much meat!” It’s Brazilian style we said, and laughed. It was really nice of him.

“we dressed as if we had no idea what other people were wearing.”

“healing is an art form, made up of all of one’s input and intentions.”

– Patch Adams introduction to Susun Weed’s book Seven Medicines

3/13/21

Past like week: peeing feels more under control- have to go fewer times, and when I do have to go, it doesn’t feel as urgent as it did before—I can hold it. When I wake up in middle of night, 50% of the time now, I can hold it and go back to sleep, whereas before, 100% of the time, it felt like I couldn’t sleep unless I got up to pee (this is a pleasant surprise to me because I expected the peeing issue would only get worse and worse). Also appetite is not as insatiable/desperate—still snacking a lot, but feel satiated quicker, and the nauseated edge to my appetite seems to be gone – feeling more “normal”. Feeling something closer to normal hunger pangs now when hungry, whereas in first trimester it was this unsettling nausea when hungry. A weird thought I had the past maybe two days is that I feel lighter (even though I’m probably getting heavier). Like I feel I can balance better? and I don’t seem to get the head rush I was getting when I stand up fast now. Maybe my body is “adjusting” to pregnancy?

The past few weeks, have been craving coconut water and drinking lots of it, all different brands, unsweetened. Also eating more fruit: peaches, mandarin ogs, pears, pineapple, apple, papaya…last night I could not leave the grocery store w/o a pumpkin pie- I really felt like eating it. When I couldn’t find it pre-made in any dept., bought the ingredients and made it that night and ate it warm and it was very satisfying; ate it again cold for breakfast (tasted better cold) and want it again tomorrow, and want to make another one after this one is finished (it was really easy to make: mix brown sugar + spices + salt pinch + 3 eggs + 1 can of pumpkin + 0.5 pint half-and-half, pour this mixture into a pie crust and bake at 375 until edges firm/like 45 min).

2/28/21

Please let me keep my body, after this is all over. Please let it be how it always was: strong, beautiful, reliable – pushing me uphill every day and enjoying it. My body that’s always taken me further than I thought I could go, and never failing me. Precise control over every function. Please…let me keep my body. Let me keep all those little graces you started me out with. I never took it for granted. I never will. Please don’t let this pregnancy take from me; may it only give. Amen.

dreamt i was buying frosted mini wheats at the store. woke up and went to WF and bought them, with some whole milk.

3/1/21

What if being a mother is a thankless job that I regret signing up for, for life? What if I give so much of my body (the burden of pregnancy, the pain of birth, the constant breastfeeding, waking up throughout the night, night after night…), my time, my mind space—my mental energy, my finances, my everything—what if I give all that to this person who…one day just…doesn’t remember me at all/doesn’t take any of that into account towards me? Will I wish I did anything different? Will I wish I chose a different road? And if a mother’s love is supposed to be unconditional, are these the wrong questions to be asking? And why is a mother’s love supposed to be unconditional? And how? What if I can’t give this kind of love? Do I then fail as a mother?

Dreamt of ______ last night/early morning. it was a very bittersweet dream. we were in some kind of auditorium, a huge like stadium, maybe we were going to high school together. And passing him on the stairs on the side of the bleachers, among crowds of our peers, he handed me something – it was a goodbye thing he wrote to me. it was just a few pages maybe, it was artsy. there was crayon or pencil used maybe. I didn’t know until I read it, that THAT DAY he was leaving forever, moving from NJ to California, permanently. He wrote me stuff that was definitely not sappy, but also definitely something that told me I was special to him, in his own not-very-wordy (but actually very wordy for him), scribbly, boyish, _______ kind of way. I can’t remember exactly what he wrote, but it included some recounting of our adventures involving work. In the dream I felt sad, finding out so suddenly he wouldn’t be here anymore- I think he purposely didn’t tell me until the last minute for some reason. But it also felt sweet that he remembered me, making sure to give me that before he left. In the dream I thought, “It’s for the best…I’m married, about to have a baby, and he’s so young and has his whole life ahead of him. This is what should happen. This is absolutely the best thing – the most natural thing.” I wished with all my heart that he would find a girl he totally loved, and was even going to tell him to let me know when that happened—I knew it would happen—but I don’t know if I got to tell him—he might have left right after he gave me the goodbye so that I couldn’t find him or talk to him. When I woke up I realized, slowly…it all wasn’t real. I was a little relieved when I realized it. Later at the morning meeting this morning, on Zoom, he was there. I looked at his familiar face and smiled and was grateful….i was glad that….even though…. with the pandemic and everything, even though i don’t see him in person or talk to him anymore and we can’t have our funny encounters out there anymore, I was really glad that at least he was still local, close by, for now. (I feel like this dream was a manifestation of a big fear I have that with the baby coming, my romantic, spontaneous, wild days are over, because I majorly associate ________ with these things.)

3/3/21

the past few days, seems like I can fit less in my stomach when I eat. I had been eating several things at once the past weeks: I could eat like spaghetti & meatballs + bread + soup + a dessert, but lately, I can only fit the spaghetti and meatballs + bread, and then I’m full. Maybe the baby is taking up more of my stomach room? I feel like I’m still eating a lot, but maybe more spread out across more meals/snacks a day.  

3/5/21

maybe a name will come to me during the birth, and also maybe I could use thinking up a name as something to distract me during the birth (since we can’t seem to decide on any names we love yet).

3/6/21

tonight while taking a shower, just realized this (but it seems such a fantastic/unbelievable thing to just know, that I’m not going to tell anyone): it’s a hairy boy, the baby. And his birth will be no trouble.

today boo said it looks like I have thunder thighs now. I replied “I always had thunder thighs.”

since first trimester had been feeling compelled to slouch, and I didn’t know why, and was (and still) trying to correct it/stand up straight when I notice. But tonight just kind of realized why, with stomach getting bigger…I was standing in front of mirror naked and slouched (it felt natural) and it seemed to center my center of gravity more, with my growing belly- everything seemed to line up better. So idk. I don’t want to be walking around slouching, even if it does somehow feel more comfortable and help my center of gravity.

i feel like it’s up from 25% now –  that 50% of my brain energy these days is taken up by what I want to eat next. Just daydreaming about all the possibilities, it’s enjoyable to me as eating almost. I’ve never thought about food so much before.

2/23/21

Today at my first appt we heard the heartbeat. I keep thinking of the nurse, how when she finally found his heartbeat, her eyes got big with mine. it went bop-bop-bob-bop-bop-bop-bob-bop faster than I expected. She was really nice. She gave me estimated due date of Sept 3, and said i was 12 weeks.

tonight in the shower, had a thought: “what if the pregnancy just keeps growing me bigger and bigger until I pop from the inside and just die?”

2/24/21

I want to try harder to be in the moment, each moment of my pregnancy. Because I think most of my anxiety is coming from dreading the experience of the actual birth, fearing how much will hurt. But: what if it’s an easy birth and doesn’t hurt much at all? Then I would’ve wasted like eight months giving myself needless worry.

2/25/21

Something I just realized: even if the birth experience is totally horrible (which I don’t think it will be), even if the worst possible thing happens, I feel like nothing is ever that horrible as long as he’s there. As long as R’s there…there’s something around us- this barrier or light, that “the worst” can’t get through, no matter what happens. I feel it. I know it, with him.

We’ve never talked about this explicitly, and I don’t know how to fully explain it, but I think something that holds us close together is this feeling that both of us mutually have that we are not good enough for the other one. By which I mean: there are certain qualities that we so respect and admire in the other so that we are continually striving. and the qualities that we admire in each other are different from each other—they are things that the other one doesn’t (naturally) have, so that, again, we are continually striving. That’s the best I can explain it for now.

2/26/21

This week, maybe starting a little at the end of last week, it seems my cravings and aversions have begun to lessen in severity. Yesterday I could drink a little of the green juice that I was completely averse to (even just looking at) earlier in the trimester (but absolutely could not chug it like I did pre-pregnancy). And early this trimester, I craved something new for every single meal, but more often now, I can eat leftovers/the same meal twice in one day. It’s pretty slow and gradual, but it’s a difference.

Feeling  fine lately. Feeling happy paired with I think normal baby worries. No nausea still, only bordering on nausea when hungry. Some very infrequent & very mild headaches. The biggest thing is just feeling bloated and heavier. I’m ugh-ing and moaning and groaning more, like an old man does, just when going to sit, or rising to stand, or changing sitting positions, or upon reaching the top of the stairs after climbing them, etc. Just more weight on me to haul, I feel. In the mirror I think I see my butt coming out of some underwears that it never popped out of before. I think the doc weighed me at around 99 on Tuesday, and the other day, granted after I had just eaten, I was like 101. I don’t know if I’ve ever before in my life gone over 100. I still don’t LOOK pregnant, or look like I’ve gained weight, even. I feel like it’s all just like liquid weight concentrated in my middle that I’m carrying, that’s all sloshing around in the punchbowl of my uterus (with this tiny swimmer floating on his back sipping a tropical drink in the midst of it all).

2/27/21

Everyone expects me to be scared when it starts (movies, stories, and therefore mainstream society).  I won’t be.

It was in passing, and among a flurry of a thousand other words, but I keep remembering when she (the nurse) said this at my appt, regarding birth: “it’s mostly mental. it’s all mental.”

I’m thinking lately that…that as dramatic event as it is—the birth—I think it’s not the most important thing. I’m getting a sense that the most important thing about this whole thing is like: taking responsibility for that life that comes out, raising that life, loving it, supporting it and building its resiliency and expanding its horizons and anything he needs me to do to lead him out into the world…I think this will be my biggest, most important role maybe, not the actual birth necessarily, though that’s obviously a critical, brief step. But all the nurturing and the raising and the role modeling—the mundane and kind of daily, “boring” stuff that has such an unseen effect- this will be what leaves the biggest impression on his life, I think. THAT is the biggest deal and the main event, really.

Highlight of my day today: in bed when I woke up, realized there was a whole tray of dad’s stuffed shells left over that I could eat all day. (ended up only eating it for one meal, but still, this thought in the morning made my day. i think it might have even been the thought that got me out of bed)

2/15/21

woke up super tired and  drowsy to 7:50 am alarm this morning in the middle of the worst dream: was trying to transcribe – kept rewinding and replaying over and over bc I couldn’t get it – some sequence of symbols and characters and numbers- not really any words. The guy was speaking too fast, maybe, and the material was like algebra – it did not flow like a narrative, and I was getting frustrated.  I was glad when I woke up that it all wasn’t real, but also had a lingering frustrated feeling from the dream for like the first hour I was up.

Yesterday was so nice. R had off, it was valentine’s day. he had told me a few days before we were doing something on sunday, which I like when he does that—tells me some surprise is coming up, but doesn’t tell me exactly what it is. he just said the night before that it was at 3 o’clock, and to not eat beforehand, and we both chuckled in anticipation. This part is maybe all I need, actually- the just letting me know of the thoughtful planning, it makes me very happy, already, even before we actually go anywhere. But we did – first ate some french toast mom made us then at 11 went to meet the craigslist guy to pick up baby changing table (it’s really pretty, white, multiple levels), then dropped it off at mom and dad’s, who oohed and ahhed at it, then we drove to laurel acres park to walk – I wanted to walk – it was nice, still snowy, we walked around and saw some kids sledding/trying to walk back up the big hill but slipping cause it was pretty icy out. Then decided to walk more, on the trails near our house that’s still being renovated. On the way, stopped at WF and I got coconut water and sushi (cooked) and he got energy drinks and I only ate 3 pieces of sushi so I would still be hungry for the surprise place, then parked at our house and walked the snowy trails for like 2 hours, it was the most beautiful part of the day I think. There were hills and inclines and lakes and parks and so many paths, all snowy and some icy. Then we drove to the place—it turned out to be Allora’s, an italian restaurant I never tried before- and it was the best. The bread was so good, the green garlicky olive oil dip. And the soup was good, the meatballs looked and tasted homemade. And the rest was not super good to me, but still good. I loved the chilean sea bass- I had not had it for a while, and R was even remarking before the waiter told us the specials that chilean sea bass was a special (he saw the menu online when searching) because he remembered it was one of my favorite fishes to eat. And R had the bacon-wrapped filet mignon. we went home after sharing a piece of chocolate cake and just vegged out and were so full, we couldn’t eat for the rest of the day, even when mom and dad got his favorite pizza from Toscana’s (I ate it for breakfast today though). And we also watched a new movie called Promising Young Woman with Carey Mulligan, it was so good that I was yelling at the screen at the end and then like a half hour after the movie ended, when I went down to say goodnight to R and was massaging his feet thinking about the movie, I started crying and couldn’t stop – I had to excuse myself cause hot liquid kept coming from my eyes and I couldn’t concentrate – had to do a furious like 20-minute walk around the field, crunching and crashing through the icy snow until I was almost sweating and cried hard during, then I felt better and went back to R and finished saying goodnight to him. It’s one of my favorite movies now.

2/16/21

I keep laughing when I think of this cute thing R did the other night. He came home from work and went up to dad at the dinner table and said, “Hey Mr. Lau, do you want some Brazilian beer? [pause]…It’s Brazilian.” hehehe. he stopped by to get some cause I think he felt bad for finishing dad’s last mini-Heineken.

2/17/21

feeling…heavier. when i look at myself from the side there is not a super-telltale bump or anything, but i FEEL it. like walking up the stairs, my middle feels heavier than ever and I am almost winded at the top, whereas I never was before. Also everything feels more puffy lately (the last few weeks): lips and also today I noticed- even the top of it, the mound—feels puffier. Probably due to more blood going to uterus and stuff?

2/18/21

woke up early this morning to the sound of big snowflakes pelting against the window. I thought it was hail at first but now I think maybe it was just the wind blowing the snowflakes hard.

just realized something today when I was peeing for the 3rd time in an hour and a half. Like- being home now, working from home is kind of the best time to be pregnant I think, in terms of getting up to pee as much as I want, eating as much as I want, and farting as much as I want without being judged. I did not plan it this way. But…as I was peeing so much, it made me just realize it. It’s so different, being in the office. It’s not as conducive to relaxation.

I feel like my butt is bigger.

2/20/21

still feels so weird to almost feel like barfing/feel nauseated when I’m hungry. but that’s when I know I’m hungry.