Current theory

10/21/24

past few days, the mint and lavender has not been really burning my feet as it did like the first day. I take it as a good sign, that my feet skin layers are getting more/even so that it’s not so raw. I feel it tingling and stuff still, but it’s not very painful anymore. i’m so glad. But now, heels have started to crack, and that hurts, trying to remedy this now.

10/22/24

went for a run today, the first time in around six months. The last time i ran was the day I stopped, because I couldn’t do it anymore from my feet bothering me so much. Today, I ran and was not bothered by any discomfort from my feet. It was landmark. it was warm but the leaves crunched under my feet. I was grateful that my body moved, that my body finally worked.

yesterday, listened to an old playlist I made on Spotify that I almost forgot about, it had been years. It made me feel things that I’d also almost forgotten about, and made me feel more like myself again. Felt really good.

read something on an Instagram post about parenthood today: “clean the clutter only when you wish; but always view it as a gift.” it was a line among many, but when I read that one, it choked me and my eyes watered. I sat there realizing that with all the difficulties that come with raising a baby, I have viewed almost all of it as like hardships and things getting in the way of my comfort and happiness. which, yes, technically they are obstacles- like cleaning up toys all day long and getting no sleep- but at the same time, paraphrasing Mark Manson: there are inherent obstacles and problems in anything you do in life. The point is to choose the thing that you want to do so that the obstacles are like meaningful and not pointless to you. And I realized that even if I never had a baby, I would be facing different obstacles. And I realized how much I want this clutter, because it means he’s here. that I want these late nights, because it means he’s here in my arms in bed refusing to sleep. I want all the “problems” that come with my angel child. I realized if I didn’t have these problems, he wouldn’t be here.  The house would be empty. 

relatedly thinking of something else: this morning was typing a dictation from a new attorney on the team, and was a bit blown away by how well-mannered his dictation was. He super annunciated words so that they were clear, even saying “period” at the end of sentences so I didn’t have to guess where to end them, remembered to tell me when to stop the bold and caps so that I didn’t have to guess where to stop it, etc.. And as I was typing, I was so uplifted and refreshed by this wonderful dictating, which made my work so much easier so that the typing was actually enjoyable and freely flowed, that my gratitude bubbled up in that I wanted to do the best I could for this note and make sure everything was right, and that it looked good, and that just I myself was giving my best, because it seemed like he was. Reciprocity. I was thinking about this principle applied to my relationship with R, like… maybe when someone isn’t so difficult and they try their best to help you, it boosts the morale of the other one, so that you get into this positive feedback loop of just helping and helping and helping each other. how beautiful.

10/23/24

first time shopping for panties i’ve felt uncomfortable… like why such a sexual…vibe to them? and they’re not even women’s…they’re from the girls section.

10/24/24

ate gluten free but dairy-filled ravioli last night for dinner – not a bite – a whole meal’s worth. it was really good. 

10/25/24

Hunter just said to me while walking through the forest, “mama, one day I’ll grow up, I’ll be big, and I’ll live by myself. and I promise to hold your hand!”

today felt like eating a fish salad sandwich, meant to use vegan mayo with the canned salmon, but realized we were all out, so I used the regular mayo that contained egg instead, and ate two sandwiches of that. Still in this testing phase of skin gradually getting better and me tentatively trying foods from food groups that would give me problems before (namely, dairy and egg) to see how big an impact diet has on my skin when I’m seemingly in a healing phase. like what all that means. if I was really bad in the thick of it, I would not do this though.

relatedly, how I know I’m getting better: tonight, scrubbed the bathroom sink and the toilet, and it did not really phase me; if I had been hurting with my skin and attempted that, it would’ve upset me.

10/26/24

something I just realized today might be contributing to my skin getting better, that I only realized when I was texting my friend Billy about the current fire restriction in nj: it hasn’t rained in like a month, and the conditions now and lately are very dry, and I was wondering if all the dust mites are dead because of this and maybe since I’m so severely allergic to them, this is what was radically helping my skin to get better? It’s still not healed, and I’m still weeping a bit, but it’s not like it was – the pain is not like it was before. Like something had definitely changed, and I feel like all this coincided, now that I think about it. My theory now is that the main culprit is my mite allergy, and that diet plays a role, but is secondary.