changing, changes

10/28/24

last night, Hunter being so difficult- wouldn’t let me change his clothes or change his diaper for bed (he ended up peeing in his bed while I was still trying to get him to change- i had to change all the bedsheets) and refused to brush teeth. I didn’t have any more patience because it was getting later and later while nothing was getting done, so I held him down for maybe 20 seconds and brushed his teeth, just trying to get to the goal of being in bed at last. i had to pin his arms down. he screamed and looked at me incredulously while I was doing it. After that, he still refused to do anything, so i stepped out of the house for a half minute to his increasingly high screams to do something i needed to do (put a bag in R’s truck to take to my parents’ in the morning). When i came back, R had calmed him down and also found an absurd loophole in Hunter’s logic- Hunter was standing naked and letting himself be changed, because, as R said, “We’re not changing – we’re just putting the diaper.” I didn’t reply, because it was technically still changing, but didn’t wanna say anything that could possibly set H off again. I was still quiet later from all the difficulty, and was surprised when Hunter said, “now we have to brush teeth.” I had to ask him again what he said, because after i’d just held him down crying while i brushed them, it seemed illogical he would ask for that again. But yes, he said, “yeah now we brush teeth. But this time you don’t… you don’t hold down my chest.” My heart…dropped, i felt so ashamed. i stood there for a moment and then said to him, “i’m sorry. i’m sorry.” i held out my arms from the foot of his bed and he walked across into them, and i gave him a long hug, close to tears. i came back w the toothbrush and he laid down and dutifully opened his mouth, looking up at me into my eyes, as i hovered over him, and i brushed them as gently as i ever have. When i laid down next to him to hear R read him stories, the tears were still in my eyes. I’ll never force him like that again. i’ll find another way. glad i married someone so patient- much more intuitively patient than me- to save my flaws from getting out of control. and proud of my son, that he is so brave and confident to ask for a re-do of something that besides upset, probably scared him. as if he were saying, “I know that’s not how you really are mom – let’s say we try that again.”

*

said an audible “wow” when I took off to my socks tonight and saw how good my feet looked. The bandages had practically no stains on them, nothing stuck, and they looked markedly better than last night. And I haven’t even had good nights sleep this week – one night I went to bed around 2:00 amand woke up at 5. have also started taking an olive supplement (Pure Synergy organic olive extract), but it’s too recent an addition to have been a major contributor to the change. 

10/29/24

the night after my feet looked so much better, they looked worse. disheartening, but not much, much worse at least.

today, started drinking celery juice every day. not fresh juiced, but whole organic, with only og lemon added.

if I could only understand my body and take hints from it / the way I do with my mind.

10/30/24

the celery juice is starting to taste delicious. also i love routines…i like being faithful to things.

skin still hovering between good and bad. It’s definitely not taking a straight line to healing. is it because I let myself eat cheese? One night I think I’m on my way and nothing can stop me, and then the next night, it’s like “what happened?”

10/31/24

still clipping his nails when he’s asleep because he can’t and won’t stay still yet. I’ve noticed lately that his hands and fingers and nails seem bigger. It makes me smile to myself in the dark. Nailclipping’s gone from a chore that I really didn’t like doing when he was an infant, to now something that I almost enjoy because it’s so nice to hold his little hand and see it growing and growing, always soft and warm.

11/1/24

Hunter going through this phase where he says he’s scared of things in the dark and gets clingy and just wants you there next to him most of the time. Was talking with R that it’s like he’s going in cycles, because that’s like how he was when he was a baby. It feels to me like he’s growing up- that it’s just like fear of change and the unknown.