becoming the ocean (week twenty-eight)

6/11/21

“imagination and faith are the two pillars that lead to the holy of holies.”

“the acceptance of the desire is the answered prayer.”

 – joseph murphy

Decided that (because I haven’t walked in nature/outside in what seems like 2 weeks or so) that if my body wakes me up and I’m not super tired, even if it’s 5 in the morning (6 is ideal I think), that I will get up, go out and walk the field. cause I miss it. It’ll be my rule from now on…I thought I was helping my body by getting “max amount” of sleep by just going back to sleep the few times I wake up before I “have” to, but…when I don’t go out for too long, it makes me feel a little cabin fever/trapped, I think, and blocks some freeflow of thought that I like, blocks maybe some communion with God that I like.

6/15/21

“i’m glad the midwives were so nice to John. They seemed to make up for all that I lacked so that it was perfect all the time.”

“The temptation was to close my eyes and fall back into a world of pain. When I did, they called me back. Another temptation was to arch my back in contraction; they guided me to stay relaxed and let the sensations flow through me, not to try to stop them.”

-quotes from Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin

6/16/21

on Sunday, me and R went to a 3-hr childbirth class in the teacher’s backyard in Delran, it’s the only pre-birth education we’ve done together and probably will do. It was really nice out and though the sky was a little rain-threatening, it didn’t rain, and her backyard was peaceful and full of all kinds of plants and interesting animal statues and she had a veggie garden on the other side. We learned breathing techniques to relax during labor. They’re pretty simple. Something she said while teaching us the breaths struck me that I really liked – she said the influx of oxygen from this deep breathing is something that alkalinizes the body, and that disease can’t be present in an alkaline body. I’ve been practicing the simplest breath (she taught us three kinds) like the past two days every so often, and this morning while doing it in silence early morning in my room, realized something: I don’t have to be at the ocean. I can become the ocean. At the beginning of the pregnancy I was looking for birthing centers next to the ocean (couldn’t find any), and periodically throughout the pregnancy too, was kind of lamenting that I couldn’t give birth near/at the ocean, which for some reason that I can’t name, I had always dreamed of doing if I was to give birth. But when I was doing the breaths this morning, I realized that the in and the long out…it sounded exactly like the tide coming in and going out. That’s what I mean by becoming the ocean. It just felt cool and I felt happy when I realized it—that I don’t have to travel all the way to it—I can bring it to me, and any time I want.

6/17/21

With birth coming up, I’ve been thinking more about pain/the nature of pain. This morning while making R’s bed, was thinking…first there is the actual pain (which does that even exist?) and then there is your personal experience of the pain. Then I thought…I think…I think all that’s real is your experience of it, because that’s all you really feel – not the “actual” pain. How you experience it. And…experience can be shaped, influenced, controlled.

6/18/21

Was leaning back on my hands today taking a break from work and looked down at my belly (was naked in my room) and could see it rippling a little, the surface of its skin, from baby moving. Was fascinated; it made me smile big watching and wondering. How something so apart from me with its own body, swimming with a mind of its own..can be a part of me.

6/19/21

“Faith is simply an awareness that that which you are praying for, already is. The mere fact you desire it proves that it exists.” -joseph murphy

I don’t know how to describe what I’ve been feeling the last week/few days except to say “huger.” I just feel more huge. In the mirror, I think it doesn’t look like it really- I just look like a “normal” pregnant person for my small size, things look pretty much in proportion. But: I’m losing my breath more easily and getting lightheaded in any prolonged position or positions I didn’t consider constrictive before, such as just sitting in the passenger seat while someone’s driving. It almost hurts now- belly area- when I get up too fast – feels like a whole big package connected to my abdomen is swinging (I guess it is) and I’m hauling it (I guess I am), and everything is just a little more uncomfortable: sitting, lying down, getting up, even walking. So much extra weight. I noticed I can’t fit as much in my stomach lately- I have to eat really small meals- my meals have turned snack-size- cause there’s like less and less and less room…physically, overall, this is such an overwhelming experience. He’s still moving all the time tho, and I love him.