6/7/21
something kind of vain – a memory I keep remembering that I like to remember that is kind of self-flattering- but it makes me feel good to remember: that one day a few years ago when I ran into ____ when rounding a corner in reading terminal market during my lunch break, and when we talked about this encounter shortly after- we were talking about his then-current-girlfriend and he said running into me that day made him realize that…the way he felt when he saw me—THAT’S how you’re supposed to feel when you see the person you’re with- like, a lot of attraction/a leap in your heart, is what I think he meant. It made me feel…good, luscious, totally desired to hear this- to hear that I made him feel like this- I didn’t realize it. I never thought someone would say something like that to me. it’s a good memory that I hold on to and indulge every so often. …..I feel this whenever I look at R. My heart turns round and round and lights up, like the spinning teacups ride at the amusement park at dusk.
6/8/21
my belly can hold up my shirts now, when I pull them up. the shirt doesn’t fall back down. lol
6/9/21
ever since I heard this (on Joseph Murphy audiobook Living without Strain) like last week, I love this sentence and have been thinking of it frequently. It went, “You are not punished FOR your sins, but BY your sins.” As in: there is no like external God-force punishing you for sins that HE perceives are sins. You yourself—because of the quality of your deeds- the goodness of your deeds, the purity of your motivations and deeds—the lack or abundance of love and goodness in the deeds THEMSELVES is what ultimately “punishes” or I think maybe more appropriately- teaches/reforms you. I love how it implies that it all comes down to truth and purity at your core, and not someone else’s perception of it.
6/10/21
starting this week/last week, my stomach juts out so far now that no matter how I twist and turn in the shower, I can’t see my pussy when I’m washing it bc my belly blocks my view—I just do it by feel/memory, now. I miss being able to see it. the extra reassurance of sight…. but I trust it’s still there; I can feel it.
Lately I think I feel him kicking more and a little harder. This morning, he was moving continuously for hours since I woke up. Sometimes I just lay in bed, holding my round stomach and smiling feeling him move, trying to imagine what his little body looks like doing swimmer somersaults in there. Sometimes it feels like he is just knocking, like, “hello??? when do I get out?” and sometimes when I’m just like walking around throughout day it feels like he’s giving me “reminder” kicks, like, “take your prenatal!” or “feed me now!”
Marriage Journal 