5/6/25

i’m at the point of physical discomfort where my opinions are leaning towards putting me out of my misery. For example: when I see the front door unlocked, instead of hoping no stranger comes in, as I normally do when I am pain-free, I think along the lines of, “it actually might not be that bad if someone came in and ended my life. it might be better than this.” 

i want to be still and soft and accepting, like gracious, but it feels impossible because it hurts. what I feel all the time is resistance to pain. I feel the pain, and all my defenses are up with resistance, resistance, resistance. refusing to accept it, although it’s here.

5/7/25

The other day, had to turn on the air conditioning unit in the living room, and I’m sure that blew some pollen around. But it was getting too hot, like in the 80s inside, so we had to.

it’s worse than last year, because it’s wider spread on feet (have to use 2 pads in each sock now instead of one) and also it’s bad on my hands and fingers, which I don’t remember having that last year. I thought each year it might get progressively better as I moved farther away from postpartum, but I guess not (maybe it just depends on how bad the pollen is).

The one I guess upside: this makes me have way less doubt whether we should move or not. It’s like the whole environment is kicking me out, telling me to go. it’s like no question now that I can’t stay here and that I need to be or am destined to be someplace else

5/10/25

have started wearing facemask more, even inside the house. not sure if it’s helping yet, because just started. also, ordered these helmet/hoodlike things and head/face coverings so that my hair and face can be more protected from pollen when I go out, they should be coming in soon. Just trying to do whatever I can.

but since they hadn’t come in yet, and we went out for Mother’s Day, I wore long pants and long sleeves, with a vest that had a hood to cover my hair, and when I was outside, put on eye goggles with a face mask. I definitely looked ridiculous, but again, just trying all I can to see what might lessen suffering.

4/28/25

The past nights, have had to put hand in weird positions when going to sleep because if anything touches thumb (and the top of the hand getting worse too), it hurts. I sleep with maybe it sticking out of the blanket or with my other hand cupped over it in a dome to keep the blankets from touching it. Then today, needed a nap in the afternoon, but something on my body kept hurting or itching and waking me up-  feet, hands, feeling extra sensitive everywhere. just laid there for about a half hour, almost falling asleep and then being woken up by my own body (seemingly malfunctioning) over and over.

4/30/25

it is nicer and less stress though, cutting out celery juice in the morning. It’s not this whole production to make it and drink it before I eat anything, which was sometimes difficult before, especially if I was hungry.

5/1/25

not sure if the sunlight is actually directly hurting me, or it’s just that it hurts to look at my skin in the light- how bad it has become. But lately really repelled by bright light.

5/3/25

sometimes, at a certain time of day, sitting down in a certain way, I can pretend that nothing on my body hurts. But once I get up and start moving, it all starts again.

5/4/25

tonight, after shower, going up stairs in the too-dark, R saw me from his bed and suddenly the way before me was illuminated. i looked over my shoulder and saw he’d turned on his phone flashlight and was shining it in my direction, for me. Was in too much skin pain right then (and baby was sleeping in same room as R) so i couldn’t call out “thanks” or anything at all. But as i hobbled slowly up the stairs, my heart swelled with thankfulness for him. He was literally lighting my way during a difficult time.

5/5/25

I think the wild lettuce tea I’m sipping a lot is helping – I feel a bit more sedated, and maybe it helps with pain, but I can still feel it too much- it’s not enough relief. Last night and this morning was the most painful so far; it was weeping that wasn’t drying quickly, and I stayed up the latest I ever had so far, about 3:30 AM, until everything was dry enough to lay down, and I felt soothed enough. I watch movies and shows during these hours, and lately, all I can stand are romantic comedies, because I need their lightness to balance out my heaviness. yesterday we spent the whole day out – went to the mall and ate in there, visited my parents, went to Shoprite.  maybe that’s why it got so bad later that night- from being outside and more pollen getting on me- but I can’t stay in 24/7, I need to go out sometimes with my family.

unrelated, the other day when R was outside working on the RV, he saw a black snake, which was right near a coiled-up black hose by him, so he didn’t realize it until it started moving, slithering away into the forest. But he came in freaked out (as far as I could infer, because he’s always so stoic) and told me, which freaked me out too.

4/18/25

had to start wearing pads inside socks again today, after some months of not needing them, to contain weeping. Just on the right foot, but tomorrow if it keeps going the same way, will have to do both feet. Am brewing wild lettuce with skullcap tea right now. There is sadness in my heart from the physical discomfort.

4/19/25

just want to note: oak pollen (what the tests showed I’m severely allergic to) in my app seems to have jumped into first place as one of the leading pollens in the air, and the pollen percentage is the max it can go in the app. So with my skin getting bad, it really coincides and just proves my theory even more.

i have a lot to be thankful for though. i can move most of my body without pain; it’s just feet. i can think clearly. My sight isn’t perfect, but i can see. i can hear fully, i can taste fully, i can smell and intuit. I have R, i have mom and dad’s help still. I have a loving extended family, and one or two good friends. I’m not in a war zone. I’m not impoverished. And something is actually healing on my body (my thumb) – it’s not all getting worse. Something does feel off in me, something does feel bad, i acknowledge. But…i’m not bedridden, so I can make strides to finally overcome it, now that i know what it is. I have much to thank you for. I have many reasons to get to the other side. It hurts now, it does. But…I’ll get there. I’ll get there.

had tickets for Bright Eyes tonight, and had plans for parents to watch baby while R and i attended. Had to sell back tickets (at about a $100 loss)  and cxl plans because of how bad feet got. Sad about it, because i was looking forward to it. i was looking forward to swaying to music and hearing what they had to say and sing, and dressing up and feeling beautiful. if i think about it too long i start tearing up and it doesn’t do any good to dwell i guess, so i’ll stop thinking about it now. i’ll just say: it was the loneliest feeling curled up on the couch in the dark searching for the cheapest organic cotton pantiliners (to start putting in socks everyday to soak up my weeping feet) and getting the calendar notification on my phone that the show was happening right then. 

it’s now unbearable. i can feel it all the time.

4/21/25

Hunter getting easier to care for in the morning, because he’s getting really into video games/watching YouTube videos of people playing video games. So when he gets up, after we cuddle and brush teeth, and he plays a little by himself, he’ll turn that stuff on and be entranced for a long time, and I can get ready and cook and stuff without him needing attention every 5 minutes. 

skin hurting a lot today, after being relatively painless yesterday, I woke up and a lot was hurting: spots on hands incl thumb which is getting worse- it hurts if just a hair brushes against it- feels prickly and cringy and bad, and feet hurt – the weeping and bandage phase is in full swing I guess. I know it’s the pollen.  the pain is keeping me from doing a lot of stuff or feeling like doing stuff, so I think my cooking will be reduced and I’ll start getting more stuff that’s easy to prepare instead of trying to do everything from scratch, which is what I had been doing.

4/23/25

it hurts the most in the morning, as I get up and go downstairs and brush teeth and take care of baby- my feet and hands crack from the movement. Then throughout the day, I guess it dries up or dries over, and the pain lessens as the day goes on. Then at bedtime, I have to take my socks off, and itch away the built-up excess, which reopens everything, and it hurts again, for a few hours, till it dries over. I finally, after hours soothing, go to sleep pretty much pain-free, but when I wake up in the morning, it starts over again.

4/25/25

might stop the celery juice. tonight was just reading about ragweed, which is one of my pollen allergies. Apparently ragweed has a connection with celery. I don’t see any improvement with my skin (still got the horrible rashes that don’t seem any better than last year) so i guess it wasn’t helping anyway. but gonna keep drinking barley grass, lemon water, and lemon balm. unlike celery, i actually enjoy the taste of these and they’re supposed to be good for me and are unrelated to ragweed/birch/oak pollen (my “big three”), as far as i know.

4/13/25

it felt like I reached the pinnacle of my life tonight. meaning it felt like nothing could get better than that moment. It was when I was putting Hunter to bed. After I read him like four books, he finally let me turn off the lamp and rolled toward me and rested his cheek on top of my cheek, so that our cheeks were firmly smushed together, and wrapped his hands around my upper neck near my ears, and both our knees were curled in and pointed towards each other, my hand was under his legs, the warmth radiated between us, and I wanted that moment to never end; it felt like the highlight of my life. I didn’t want anything more. I can’t describe the peace. it only lasted like five minutes, then I had to cough, so I turned away, and he turned away too.

4/14/25

The stuff being reported in the news is already so bad – it’s the information that makes it into the light of day to be put into published format. I don’t even wanna imagine what is not being reported – it must be worse. How much worse? 

I’m almost, in this climate, regretting that I have a family to keep together. Because i know if i were still single and had no one depending on my constant presence, i’d be thinking up displays of civil disobedience that (would normally be accepted, but under this administration-) get me kicked out of the country. i feel like…i feel like anyone who can still afford to, should be speaking out to this degree. Now is not the time to hold back. Now is the worst time ever to hold back.

in the past like day or two, thumb seems to be healing. But feet are still up in the air – if I had to say, they’re worse, because little bits are starting to look near weeping. everything is still bearable though, nothing is unbearable yet. By which i mean, I don’t have pain with every step- that, to me, is bearable. When it gets to being in pain most all the time with most movement, that is the point where it’s too much for me.

4/16/25

Feet wept tonight. It actually didn’t hurt that much- it more felt gross. When I swept my fingers over my feet, could feel wetness.  70% of it was feeling gross and feeling worry about worse days ahead, and only 30% was painful.

4/17/25

I feel like it’ll be fine. I feel like things will be fine and won’t come to societal chaos and running for my life or stuff like that. But I’m only like 51% sure of that. The other 50%, I feel like anything could happen.

“fantasy is the mortar of anticipation.”. -Esther Perel (from Mating In Captivity, just finished the audiobook)

4/18/25

feet getting worse. wake up in the night itching them, looks bad and raised. I know what comes next. Still, will not use steroids. Only thing i’m using is Emuaid on them. Thumb has almost healed, so maybe the Emu had something to do with it? Maybe it took a whole month of using it for it to work? but feet hurt and burn after I apply it, even though I wait until the next morning when it’s drier to do so. It’s getting more painful. 

still doing everything: celery juice, nasal sprays, spirulina, propolis and honey, homeopathic pollen spray and other supplements… Also starting eyedrops soon- found a good one, called Eyeganics. still trying to stay inside, but I have to go out sometimes. I feel like when it gets hot enough that we need to turn on AC is when things will get really bad, because the units are ushering all that pollen inside and it’s circulating and inescapable. But we’ll see. Staying hopeful. still trying to move- to get out of here, to get the house ready, but work and childcare and life keeps our pace regarding that very slow.

4/9/25

last night, both standing up, R was massaging me while I folded the laundry. we didn’t have time to lay down- he had worked all day and had just ate dinner late and got back from picking up Baby, and it was getting late. And then later I was massaging him (again both standing, both in the middle of doing multiple things as we always seem to be nowadays) while he was listing stuff from the house to sell on Facebook marketplace. Again, just because we did not have time to lay down and enjoy it, so had to do both things at once. Such a difference from our pre-baby days when we lounged around for hours. Now it’s like, how many things can we stuff into one minute and the next to get done.

The past two nights, I think I’ve woken up in the middle of the night itching my foot/feet, but not sure how bad because I’m semi-conscious at the time. There’s still no weeping, but things are raised. I know weeping is the next (and worst) step. I’m doing all I can while also not letting myself feel trapped by restrictions.

4/10/25

oddly, i feel like my toddler’s absurdity is one of the main things keeping me grounded. I love how silly he is…and i guess it “balances out” all the bad serious stuff simultaneously happening (the two things that most weigh on me are the immigration stuff and the suffering in Gaza).

tonight, had a brief moment of pure happiness. I wasn’t tired (had briefly napped with R earlier that night), and my belly was full after just having had delicious sushi from Ozaki sushi, this place I recently discovered near us that I’ve ordered from like 3x in the past two weeks. At the same time, heard baby screaming with happiness downstairs as R was putting him to bed, as they played in bed. And though I have some bad spots on my body (hands & feet), nothing at that moment hurt at all. It was just a moment, but I felt so happy and satisfied, and I physically paused what I was doing (getting ready for bed) to realize it. All I really want in life happened to come together at once: full of good food, nothing hurting, and knowing my family is happy.

…at the same time, this slowly creeping feeling that things are ending. Not just with the Armageddon-like political stuff happening, but also: my dad is looking older, and mom, too. She recently had a routine blood test that showed lots of things were off, and osteoporosis too. I always thought of her as super vigorous and healthy (she still teaches multiple Zumba classes like 4 days a week), and I’m afraid to witness both my parents decline. It may be the way of life, but it’s sad and scary to think about, with the two people who loved and nurtured you your whole life and even before birth- who you’ve loved most and earliest and most constantly. I don’t know how I would get through it, their ending. i don’t know… I feel like the grief would be too much for me, and I don’t wanna think about it.

4/12/25

something unexpected I realized tonight, a few hours after coming home from my parents’, where I faced off with R in a Wii game of bowling. I felt a bit uncomfortable the other night playing it against my mom, and I think would feel similarly playing against my dad. but with R, I was actually excited to play against him and see what I could do and see how we compared. I didn’t feel like I had to hold back, or that I would be judged by him with anything I did. And subsequently, when I started out doing badly, I switched the controller to my left hand just to see if I would bowl better like that (I guessed it would probably make me do worse, but was falling behind him, so needed to change something). For some reason, it actually worked! I started getting strikes and spares while using my left hand – it was a pretty amazing and clear difference. But I was thinking later, that I made that change only because I was comfortable enough with him to risk doing even worse than I already was, because I knew the kind of person he was:  super accepting and loving and playful and just funny and not too serious. Super non judgmental. He makes me feel free to just try anything, and I feel like that in our relationship, too. And this realization made me appreciate him all the more. I realized I picked a really good guy for my husband. He’s perfect to try new things with, if you never want to feel criticized or judged while doing so. I’m so lucky.

 3/27/25

i keep thinking, if feet get bad again (hands and feet in general itchier and burning more, thumb still terrible and not healing no matter how much Emuaid I put), that this time it’s different because i have hope. the last time when it dragged on and on for months, i wasn’t sure what was causing it or if it would ever end. now i’m like 90% sure it’s pollen. even now, skin getting worse is coinciding with the pollen emerging. so now i know if i can just get out of here to somewhere “safe”, no matter how bad it looks or how painful, it’ll recede and it CAN recede. just like it did this past December when pollen season ended. I have hope it’s not forever. Before, i didn’t know. 

4/1/25

yesterday, was feeling OK, stayed in all day. But then at night, went out with R to pick up Baby. The air outside was really warm and it was windy. the pollen count was really high on my Allergy Plus app, and had been at almost maximum level for the past few days and today. I started feeling uncomfortable by the time we reached my mom’s house, and increasingly uncomfortable as the night wore on. My feet itched and hurt, my hands a bit too. And then this tightening in my throat and chest I could feel very clearly, that I know came from breathing in pollen that’s all around. Just an all-around terrible feeling, and I went to sleep feeling bad and allergic, taking a bunch of supplements trying to mitigate it. I told R last night that I don’t think I can go with him anymore to pick up the baby, because just that one outing made me so uncomfortable. after we got back, there was a downpour of rain, and today it’s much colder. I’m starting to add propolis to my supplements, maybe that will help.

4/2/25

I was thinking it’s sad that I can’t stay here, close to my family. But also, I need to use my hands and feet, and they are like not functioning here with the pollen. it gets so bad, so painful. I have to go.

4/3/25

tonight, itched feet, and afterwards felt some moisture that was reminiscent of weeping, but not weeping. One part pretty raised. And they hurt afterwards. Later, I went down to get the laundry, and while I was folding the clothes, I just started crying. Crying and folding, folding and crying. I was thinking of all the nights, the hours and hours I stayed up rocking and trying to soothe myself from being in pain from my skin, for seven months straight. I was afraid it was all happening again. I was just afraid, and felt like I was doing so much already but still there was nothing I could do to stop it.

still trying to get out of here, but it can’t come fast enough. Our weekdays are filled with working our respective jobs, and then our weekends filled with being with Hunter, who demands attention basically every minute. Any downtime in between, we’re getting the RV ready and cleaned and preparing the house to sell (currently clutter everywhere). When that’s finally done, have to show the house and sell it and all that entails. So however long all that will take.

4/4/25

Hunter starting to recognize words now. When we’re reading in bed, he’ll point to words and say them right. The other day, R took him to Sonic (the restaurant), and he’s been playing Sonic (the video game), and he pointed to the sign outside the restaurant and said “Hey, why does that word look the same as Sonic?”

he’s also become less clingy and stuck on me, especially when he’s headed to play/playing video games with dad, which fractures my heart a bit when I feel like cuddling him, but I know it’s a part of him growing up and I’m also proud of it in a way.

“May I step into my joy and my power.” – Mandi Em

4/5/25

Got to Philly too late for the big march, but there was a small one I happened to walk into afterwards, and followed for a few blocks. I would’ve liked to see thousands and thousands- like the whole population of Philadelphia- flooding the streets, but it didn’t look like that to me, at least in the aftermath. like there were still non-march pedestrians about, still normal street traffic, it seemed like not much regularity was disrupted. I even heard, while walking back in the aftermath with the crowd, two onlookers call out several times, “mace em and taze em!” I never heard any opposition or got that opposed feeling in any march I’ve attended before. just feels like compared to the times of Occupy, that people are more polarized or more judgmental, or less tolerant, or something. I feel like we have to do something more than ordinary marches, like something different that’s never been done, to get our point across today. like marches 2.0 to the max, or something in addition that’s really attention getting. Something else, something more. 

and then a small thing that bothered me: during the small march – it was like an impromptu thing so there were no police aiding us or blocking the streets for us – we did not have the right-of-way. But the few intersections we crossed, nobody in the march stopped, even though the light was green for traffic. I noticed, and I hung back, but I watched as everyone walked by me and cars were I’m sure very annoyed. One Septa bus even ran through the red light after they all had passed- I’m sure the driver was pissed. I just felt like people should’ve been paying attention to that, because it gives a bad impression.

favorite thing I overheard while walking though: “that guy was nice to lend me his extra trans flag”

favorite sign i saw:  “The only minority destroying America is the billionaire class”

4/6/25

first time i felt super married was yesterday when R made my celery juice. he knew i needed to drink it in the morning and we were rushing to go somewhere, and out of the blue without me asking, he said he’d make it for me while i got ready to go. a small thing, but it touched my heart because it made me feel like i wasn’t totally alone in taking care of my skin, when he presented the green juice to me.

3/22/25

i remember two dreams from last night: one, I walked into a kind of nightclub, and like three of my past lovers were there, lounging, but then chris, this guy who was my friend mostly but near the end we blurred slightly into romance which didn’t work out, when we were very young like high school age- entered the room, and he looked wonderful, dark, and handsome and tall. He walked right to me and was talking to me, which I enjoyed, but there was something I wasn’t ready to do. Like not with him- there was something else in my life I was getting ready for, and I was not ready for it, and this was distracting me while he talked, so that I couldn’t relax fully into interacting with him. Then this bullet train started leaving the nightclub, and I turned around and realized I left my bag right where all the passengers were boarding and I think they mistakenly packed my bag on this train, which was speeding away, and it had everything like all my possessions- my passport, all the most important cards and legal stuff that I owned in it, and I ran alongside the train pounding on the side of it, towards the driver to get it to stop, and this older woman attendant on it was telling me not to do that, and I think the dream ended before  I could see if it stopped or not. it seemed like it wasn’t stopping though.

Then the second dream was on a stage, and there were several well-known popular black musicians/singers doing a rendition of Marvin Gaye’s what’s going on, with a different person singing each subsequent line, and there were tears in most of their eyes, the ones singing.

*

tonight, mom texted R and i that dad felt like cooking dinner for us and invited us over. They served angel hair spaghetti with breaded veal and clams AND bread, which I did not eat the bread. I kept waiting for someone to say that this was the gluten-free pasta and handing me a special plate, but no one said anything. of course I wasn’t rude and gobbled up everything i was served, said it was good (it was good, though I don’t love veal), and thank you. But tonight I ate gluten with everything i ate- wasn’t really prepared for that. Later at night my stomach did feel a bit bad. Not painful, but just heavy and bad, bordering on nauseated. I took a Zenwise digestion pill, but it was hours after, like 1 or 2 in the morning, when I thought to take it. 

The worst thing I have on my body right now is on my left thumb. It’s been maybe about two weeks. I feel like the Emuaid balm i put on it throughout the day every day is keeping it in check, but it’s not fully healing. it’s just messed up – raised and red and sensitive and close to weepy and just not normal and hurts if the slightest thing touches it, like how my feet get kind of. makes me avoid doing dishes, makes me hold my hands weird when I hold things, am constantly afraid for Baby to brush against it. Makes it harder for me to change him, to change my own clothes. Again, hoping that this is all that will happen- the worst it will get. percentage of body it covers is really significantly less than when my feet get it, and not as bad as my feet get, so I’m looking at it as positive, as an improvement.  

gave mom a pretty top, new in the bag, that I got from Temu that I knew she would like, last night. Tonight saw her wearing it and said it looked nice and asked her if she washed it like I said she should when I gave it to her, and she said she didn’t. She said “I’m going to sweat in it anyway, so what’s the difference?” Ive sent her news articles before of how it’s standard practice to use formaldehyde and other chemicals in clothing and that’s why you should wash new clothes before you wear them, and have told her like all my adult life about it, but I guess she doesn’t care. She said it doesn’t affect her like it affects me. I wouldn’t care about any of this, except that Hunter is with her all day and all over her, and I care about what gets into him, because I’m responsible for him. i should’ve just washed it before I gave it to her. I wanted to keep the gift-like, new-in-bag, pleasant surprise factor of it when I gave it to her, is why I didn’t. but now I know i should.

3/27/25

i keep thinking, if feet get bad again (they’re getting a bit itchier, hands and feet in general itchier and burning more, thumb still terrible and not healing no matter how much Emuaid I put), that this time it’s different because i have hope. the last time when it dragged on and on for months, i wasn’t sure what was causing it or if it would ever end. now i’m like 90% sure it’s pollen. even now, skin getting worse is coinciding with the pollen emerging. so now i know if i can just get out of here to somewhere “safe”, no matter how bad it looks, it’ll recede. just like it did this past December when the pollen season ended. i have hope it’s not forever.

3/31/25

Thumb seems better in the past day, but I can’t be sure. I feel like I should be grateful because it’s not a huge spot, and not too bad. 

trying as much as possible within my comfort level to avoid pollen while still doing normal stuff and not staying in 24/7. This weekend, we stayed in most of Saturday, but then at night, went to the beach where there’s less pollen, which was really nice to walk by the water and on the AC boardwalk. R and I mentioned to each other that maybe if we didn’t want to go all the way to Arizona at first, we could just find somewhere near the beach on this coast, to park the RV.

then today, we went to the library, and when I went outside, I breathed through a water wipe and even though it was really warm out, wore a jacket so I could use the hood to cover my head and clothes. Seriously thought about draping an entire loose bedsheet over my head and body like a cloak, but didn’t go that far today.

3/16/25

have definitely been gaining weight; weighed myself the other day at Granny’s (we have no scales at our house) and i was 103. Never been over 100 in my life before pregnancy; my default weight had been 94. not bothered at all by it (i still feel healthy) except the pants thing- like some pants i can’t breathe in anymore.

3/17/25

last night, had to itch right foot with left toe again. Was in bed with Hunter, and I always try to keep his bed clean as possible, so I know that by scratching there, the feeling was pretty intense for me to give into. Still, gladly, no bad results came from it (my skin is still ok). But still worried because I know pollen is increasing and will only get worse. Just hoping that everything I’m doing is enough to protect myself. Not sure what else I can do – the RV we bought was just delivered today- it was one that we just looked at last night and really liked for the price and the roominess inside. A fifth wheel called “Wildcat”. 

asked cards what was the spirit of our new rv. i drew the elk card. and also the whale card, while i was shuffling, happened to be the only one in the deck that was facing up (hunter was playing with them earlier) so i included that too in the reading; it seemed to make sense (elk is masculine energy and whale is feminine)

 was just reading something that mentioned mini vacations, and it made me think: when i went up close to death with eczema herpeticum and stayed a few nights in the hospital for it- and every morning they were sticking my arm for blood samples and filling up vials and pumping me full of antivirals and antibiotics, and the bed I was staying on smelled of someone else’s urine – despite all that, that hospital stay was like a mini vacation for me. just because i got to sleep. i got to sleep a whole night without anyone waking me up, and more than one night. sleeping a whole night was heaven. kinda puts into perspective- now looking back- how hard that time period of breastfeeding was.

3/18/25

realized last night that sleeping with him now is magical- in such stark contrast to how it was for the first two years that he breastfed (torturous). Now, he usually falls asleep so sweetly, and wants to just cuddle, and even while unconscious, rolls over and gently holds my ear between his fingers, constantly checks that I’m there. lays his hand or arm or leg on me. But doesn’t need my body to like survive. it’s so much better. So much better. i love how much he doesn’t need me anymore. before, he needed me so often that i almost died.

last night was the first time that I itched my feet and it hurt a bit afterwards- I went to bed and had to bring my knees up to my chest and rub feet softly for a bit before they stopped hurting and I could leave them alone. Totally reminiscent of what I went through for seven months last year. Of course, it worried me. But I just keep hanging onto the thread of hope that this is as bad as it’s gonna get, and it won’t get any worse than this, because of everything I’ve been doing. What else can I do? I refuse to go past this hopeful thought, or else it’ll just be a spiraling into despair. There’s nothing raised or looking bad, but it’s a little dry, a little bumpy. When I woke up in the morning, it seemed all calm and flat again. 

noticed though it’s always after showers when I get itchy. Something in the water, or bathroom? But I need to take showers to wash off the daily pollen. So is it better to not take showers so I don’t get itchy? or to take showers to wash off pollen, but then like definitely get itchy, as proven at least two times in a row now?

Was thinking it would be so nice if I could have energy and time to enjoy this toddler time of his life. He does so many absurd and awesome things like 24/7, but like last night, he woke up at four in the morning and wanted me to read him stories, which I did for about an hour until he fell asleep. So that affected me in that I was operating at about 50% today- so tired I couldn’t enjoy everything, but was trying my best. Like why does it have to be such a beautiful time right now, but I have to be physically drained during so much of it? Why can’t all the stars align?

3/19/25

and actually, later that night, the stars did align.  after the whole day of being without baby, parents brought him home asleep in his car seat. I can’t describe the feeling of familiarity and closeness that comes with being near the one that grew and lived inside your body. With a full mama’s heart, I knelt down and unbuckled him, gathered him up in my arms, laid him down in his bedroom, and in bed he immediately wrapped his arms tightly around my neck as I wrapped my arms around his back and we both laid there entwined and comfortable- he asleep, and me just elated by him being safe and near me. So much so that my heart sped up. But I know he had heard it all before- my heart beating both rapidly and slowly when he floated inside me all those months- so I knew he wouldn’t mind at all. It was a perfect way to end the day, because I was so tired.

3/20/25

“your body needs you to have faith.” – Anthony Williams

last night in bed with Hunter asleep, kept chuckling to myself because I was thinking what if there was a band called Sonic Elderly.

realized an indicator that im in a stressful, time-crunched time in my life: when i dump out laundry meaning to fold it and later have to stuff it all unfolded back into the basket because i didn’t get to do it (wherever surface i dumped it now has to be used and we’re going somewhere and it just all has to go back). hate doing that- hate going backwards when i made a step forward. but that’s what happened today, and what happened a lot when Hunter was an infant and i still wasn’t used to anything about parenthood.

3/21/25

also, last night, past midnight after I had just settled down in bed with my weighted blanket all around me, and my head sandwiched between two pillows how i like, realized that I had a load of laundry done in the washer just sitting there, sitting in it, that I didn’t put in the dryer yet. During the workday I had just done as many loads as I could, then still had work left over after 5 pm (we got an unbelievable amount this week) then was rushing to clean the house, and then we had to leave to pick up Baby, and I just forgot all about it- Baby was still awake when we got home- until late that night. So then this morning I opened the washer and was sniffing everything and something smelled a little, so I put lots of baking soda and another thing of soap put it on the hottest setting and washed it again. i hate doing things twice. I hate doing things when I already did them, but our life pace is too fast right now for me. each day ends with the feeling like there’s not enough hours to get things done- even just basic things like laundry, cooking, showering- and for months now. Not to mention the non-basic things we have to do (get the house ready to sell, clean up and settle into our RV, all the processes to get through to actually sell the house and get out of this pollen-drenched area).

3/12/25

have been looking at rvs pretty much every weekend for the last few weeks, but did not see one I really liked until this past weekend. It had pretty much no chemical/fake scent/new product smell (it’s around the year 2018 and they had bought it new, used it since then), was nice and big, lots of storage it seemed, clean. The guy seems nice, his third kid was on the way, and he said they were just going in a different direction. I felt good about the whole thing, it was the first fifth wheel we looked at. Might get, still in the works.

3/13/25

“the patriarchal split between virtue and lust”

“When we can be present for both love and sex, we transcend the battleground of Puritanism and hedonism.”

 -Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity 

in addition to (slightly) more showers, avoiding going outside in order to stay away from pollen as much as possible. it’s a little bit nice because before, i would look outside and feel guilty for not getting out to exercise yet. now, i decidedly stay in and know i’m better for it. plus it’s my nature to be a homebody so it feels good giving in to that. and i know i can get exercise inside anyway (vigorously do housework, yoga/workout videos).

3/15/25

last night, took a shower. Got dressed really fast afterwards because Hunter was nagging me to come sleep with him. I felt fine but then a little bit into when I was reading him stories, I felt my right foot itchy, so was itching it with my other toe while reading to him. Then, after he had fallen asleep, it was bothersome enough that I had to go up to my room and itch it- the same place- tops of my feet-that was bad for seven months straight last year. it was bothering me enough so that I couldn’t fall asleep before itching.  When I was done, nothing was broken or open, everything was still flat, but it was a little red and close to bumpy (so small tho I wouldn’t even call them bumps). But still, the sight of a little red plus that itch urge reminded me so much of that 7-month trauma, that when I went back downstairs and into R’s bed for a cuddle, I couldn’t stop fearing and fearing that it was coming back. He was giving me signals, but I was just so scared about it and sad that it was coming that I couldn’t respond; I just curled up tightly in a ball against him, and squeezed his arm hard until I fell asleep. Then this morning they were itchy again, and again it was a little red, but again, nothing bad to report- no lasting anything, no bumps. I’m still worried, but I’m doing my best: still doing celery juice, being as strict as I can without stressing in avoiding milk and cheese and eggs (all plentiful in our house, so hard to avoid, but when I have other options, and I feel like it, I choose them). Added olive leaf extract on top of all the other supplements and pollen spray. Also started putting this ointment that R gave me, emuaidmax, on the tops of my feet (recently got bad spot on left thumb and this ointment seems to help/keep it from progressing to full blown), and also using this balm called wonder balm by Puriya on the bottoms and rest of my feet. Also still using that Defensin spray regularly. Even if it comes, at least I can say I was proactive and didn’t just wait for it. it’s like all I’m doing day and night is trying to prevent it. There’s nothing more I could’ve done except pack up and move out west, which is what we’re also in the process of doing.

3/5/25

maybe i can MAKE a bridge for him to cross.  

It’s the prettiest thing when Hunter laughs when he first gets up in the morning. Ear to ear grins, unbridled laughter at seemingly nothing. It’s like the most beautiful thing in the world.

taking more showers now in efforts to mitigate pollen. 

even though the A2 milk is not a miracle, I do notice that I can have just one bowl of cereal with it, and have no to low digestive symptoms. This is still really great compared to regular milk. I just can’t overdo it (example: have a bowl of cereal and also have other stuff with milk in it all day for the rest of the day).

told R about my need for more separateness so that we could come together. he seemed to understand. i mentioned things like getting on different trains when we go somewhere…i think he understood. it was really brief because i couldn’t even really put into words what i wanted or was trying to say. we’ll see what happens.

3/7/25

yesterday, R was eating the breakfast bread i made and offered me a plate. i said “just save me two.” when i was hungry later, i looked in the oven and he’d saved me three. 

then today, we stopped at a gas station and before he went in, he asked if i wanted anything, i said no. And he came back with a coconut water for me. i just love him so much, that he’s like this. it’s one of the reasons i married him.