destiny?

5/6/25

i’m at the point of physical discomfort where my opinions are leaning towards putting me out of my misery. For example: when I see the front door unlocked, instead of hoping no stranger comes in, as I normally do when I am pain-free, I think along the lines of, “it actually might not be that bad if someone came in and ended my life. it might be better than this.” 

i want to be still and soft and accepting, like gracious, but it feels impossible because it hurts. what I feel all the time is resistance to pain. I feel the pain, and all my defenses are up with resistance, resistance, resistance. refusing to accept it, although it’s here.

5/7/25

The other day, had to turn on the air conditioning unit in the living room, and I’m sure that blew some pollen around. But it was getting too hot, like in the 80s inside, so we had to.

it’s worse than last year, because it’s wider spread on feet (have to use 2 pads in each sock now instead of one) and also it’s bad on my hands and fingers, which I don’t remember having that last year. I thought each year it might get progressively better as I moved farther away from postpartum, but I guess not (maybe it just depends on how bad the pollen is).

The one I guess upside: this makes me have way less doubt whether we should move or not. It’s like the whole environment is kicking me out, telling me to go. it’s like no question now that I can’t stay here and that I need to be or am destined to be someplace else

5/10/25

have started wearing facemask more, even inside the house. not sure if it’s helping yet, because just started. also, ordered these helmet/hoodlike things and head/face coverings so that my hair and face can be more protected from pollen when I go out, they should be coming in soon. Just trying to do whatever I can.

but since they hadn’t come in yet, and we went out for Mother’s Day, I wore long pants and long sleeves, with a vest that had a hood to cover my hair, and when I was outside, put on eye goggles with a face mask. I definitely looked ridiculous, but again, just trying all I can to see what might lessen suffering.