4/13/25
it felt like I reached the pinnacle of my life tonight. meaning it felt like nothing could get better than that moment. It was when I was putting Hunter to bed. After I read him like four books, he finally let me turn off the lamp and rolled toward me and rested his cheek on top of my cheek, so that our cheeks were firmly smushed together, and wrapped his hands around my upper neck near my ears, and both our knees were curled in and pointed towards each other, my hand was under his legs, the warmth radiated between us, and I wanted that moment to never end; it felt like the highlight of my life. I didn’t want anything more. I can’t describe the peace. it only lasted like five minutes, then I had to cough, so I turned away, and he turned away too.
4/14/25
The stuff being reported in the news is already so bad – it’s the information that makes it into the light of day to be put into published format. I don’t even wanna imagine what is not being reported – it must be worse. How much worse?
I’m almost, in this climate, regretting that I have a family to keep together. Because i know if i were still single and had no one depending on my constant presence, i’d be thinking up displays of civil disobedience that (would normally be accepted, but under this administration-) get me kicked out of the country. i feel like…i feel like anyone who can still afford to, should be speaking out to this degree. Now is not the time to hold back. Now is the worst time ever to hold back.
in the past like day or two, thumb seems to be healing. But feet are still up in the air – if I had to say, they’re worse, because little bits are starting to look near weeping. everything is still bearable though, nothing is unbearable yet. By which i mean, I don’t have pain with every step- that, to me, is bearable. When it gets to being in pain most all the time with most movement, that is the point where it’s too much for me.
4/16/25
Feet wept tonight. It actually didn’t hurt that much- it more felt gross. When I swept my fingers over my feet, could feel wetness. 70% of it was feeling gross and feeling worry about worse days ahead, and only 30% was painful.
4/17/25
I feel like it’ll be fine. I feel like things will be fine and won’t come to societal chaos and running for my life or stuff like that. But I’m only like 51% sure of that. The other 50%, I feel like anything could happen.
“fantasy is the mortar of anticipation.”. -Esther Perel (from Mating In Captivity, just finished the audiobook)
4/18/25
feet getting worse. wake up in the night itching them, looks bad and raised. I know what comes next. Still, will not use steroids. Only thing i’m using is Emuaid on them. Thumb has almost healed, so maybe the Emu had something to do with it? Maybe it took a whole month of using it for it to work? but feet hurt and burn after I apply it, even though I wait until the next morning when it’s drier to do so. It’s getting more painful.
still doing everything: celery juice, nasal sprays, spirulina, propolis and honey, homeopathic pollen spray and other supplements… Also starting eyedrops soon- found a good one, called Eyeganics. still trying to stay inside, but I have to go out sometimes. I feel like when it gets hot enough that we need to turn on AC is when things will get really bad, because the units are ushering all that pollen inside and it’s circulating and inescapable. But we’ll see. Staying hopeful. still trying to move- to get out of here, to get the house ready, but work and childcare and life keeps our pace regarding that very slow.
Marriage Journal 