9/6/21

woke up early around 6 to pee, saw a little pink. R heard me come back to my bed (our rooms are really close, facing each other, and we keep our doors open when we sleep though we never outright talked about doing so, which I think is sweet) and asked if i was ok and i was, but he came to my room anyway and held me and slept, while i lay there both calm and excited (i haven’t seen any pink or blood at all in my undies for months and months). when we were laying there, i would smile to myself in the dark when i felt a contraction or baby moving. also my legs trembled and shook a little, like they sometimes do after sex, even though all we were doing was laying there with R snoring in my ear. The tremblings felt good.

thoughts in bed:

birth is like death in that: it’s a physically all-encompassing experience, and during it, you don’t know what’s going to happen next.

this might be the easy part: “just stay out of my way and let me be born,” Hunter says. the hard part i think is being responsible for him and caring for him after he’s out.

***

Around 8 am, saw pink drip out again, one drop on the bathroom floor. went for like one-hour walk through the forest, was warm (not hot) and humid out, beautiful, green, solitary, felt thankful. thank you for this baby. Thank you for my life. Thank you for this nextdoor forest, thank you for my favorite weather. now and then chuckling to myself how funny if I go into labor on Labor Day. he was moving so much, and felt really low during the walk. The walk felt really good. The sun came out during the second half, along with the rise and fall crescendo of swells of cicadas that I couldn’t see, that sang to me all the way home. Also got this idea while on the path, of Hunter running ahead of me, leading the way, and I’m just following his lead. I could almost see him, running ahead. I tried to forsee his features, what he’ll look like, but couldn’t – all I know is he will be a little boy with dark hair.

Heard while walking, just starting out, someone/some entity say to me: “I’m about to take such good care of you.” Felt it too.

9/7/21

today when I peed in the morning, there was blood – not thick and undiluted- but it looked redder than yesterday. after that, pink gushes again, and intermittent, random contractions.

a funny thing that keeps making me laugh: yesterday coming back from the beach- LBI, we were passing this farm market (I think called Red Top?) and R was like, “wanna stop by here? get something? they have plants…” and I was just like “…..” saying nothing as we passed, and at the last second he did like a hand-over-hand turn before we passed it, and pulled into the parking lot, and I hadn’t even responded.  He got: two huge pumpkins to put on our front porch, a peach pie (I wanted), banana bread (I wanted), two chili pepper plants for our porch, fresh mozzarella (we both wanted), and a black cherry soda that was really good. He seemed excited shopping there, while I was kinda indifferent about it. Afterwards told me he passes it when he works by the beach and had always wanted to stop there, but never did yet, which allowed me to then understand his funny behavior.

5:50 pm: I wouldn’t say I’m in Early Labor, but it feels like it’s early Early Labor. I’ve had contractions all day long, though they are not like 5 minutes apart/1 min long each/for an hour straight (the 5-1-1 rule they told me to look for before coming in).

9/8/21

woke at 2 am w contractions and having to pee. paced around room a little afterwards, w contractions, tried out some different positions.

9/10/21

* Hunter is born *

9/13/21

It’s so weird when you’re taking care of a baby who looks like you. It’s like you’re taking care… of yourself. Like you’re watching yourself live your life over again, from the beginning.

picking him up and putting him down so softly. checking in on him constantly, like he might fade away. naturally hushed speaking in his presence, as if he’s a dream we don’t want to wake up from.

9/14/21

Four days after I give birth, I feel like banging my husband, I still feel so attracted to him, and have not lost any of that with the birth. The only problem is I’m still passing blood clots the size of ping-pong balls and I have to wait until my six-week postpartum checkup, but mentally, I’m ready.

9/15/21

i used to measure my days by what I did at work or how much I accomplished, now I measure them by how big he’s growing, what he’s doing, if he’s OK.

I kept thinking this leading up to his birth: how could we spend so much time, and care, and energy, and food, and worry, and resources growing and raising our babies, so long, so much investment…only to have war and have tons of pain-stakingly-formed humans wiped out needlessly in a second? How could we do that to ourselves, as a species?

9/17/21

A few days ago, we were just looking at him laying on the bed between us, and I said, “I kind of wish he would grow up fast so he can protect himself. he’s so helpless right now.” And R said, “I’ll protect him.”

***

This morning went to the bathroom one-handed for the first time, holding the baby, because I knew if I put him down, he would cry.

9/18/21

The birth was slightly traumatic/had a flavor of trauma to it, for me, more than I expected. I kind of expected…it to be easier. and less…painful/uncomfortable. But what really happened was: on Monday- Labor Day- saw some blood in the morning, but felt good, even slightly ecstatic, thinking he was coming soon. Went for walk in the woods by myself- beautiful, early morning- knowing the time was nearing. But when we drove to the beach later that day, almost there, my contractions got so uncomfortable (riding in a bumpy car seemed to make them worse) I told R could we just take a pic by the water and go back home, as I didn’t want to go into labor far from home and from the hospital. BUT, when we got out of the car and walked, the contractions were relieved, and we stayed at the beach for longer. Next day, Tuesday, I had a doctors appt. and felt uncomfortable during the car ride, but could still “stand it” and act like a normal person. By Wed. morning, I called out of work– early morning and all day that day, felt too uncomfortable to be able to work. Spent the day in a kind of pain-daze – R stayed home and helped me through- breathing with me, pushing on my back, staying with me and everything. We walked around the backyard together, slowly, breathing, me having to stop sometimes with the contractions. When a contraction would come, I could only hunch over/grab something tight/breathe through it and experience the pain for as long as it lasted; it seemed there was no other way but through it for each one. R kept trying to get me to eat, but I’d totally lost my appetite; I would take one tiny bite of whatever he offered, just to appease him. Later in the day I got in the bathtub of warm water, and it brought me so much relief I wanted to stay in there forever. I must have been in there for hours, hours. I kind of lost track of time, but stayed for as long as possible until I realized I could not fall asleep in there for the night, and got out, fingertips all shrivelly, and tried to go to bed, but the contractions kept me from sleeping. Late that night I called the midwives, asking if there was something I could take for the pain, like Tylenol. They said I could try. I had no drugs but R found an expired bottle (I think 2018) of generic acetominophen he had, and I took one (which says something about my level of discomfort bc I normally avoid drugs at all costs), but it didn’t do anything to relieve the pain and help me sleep- so it was a sleepless night, and I still could hardly eat, since Wednesday. So on Thursday morning, I decided we should go to the hospital, as R had been suggesting since the day before. I now felt the contractions were too strong that if I waited any longer, I wouldn’t survive the car ride (45 min) to the hospital. I told R to not rush the drive, to just go smooth and slow. When we got there, I think they measured me at 3-4 cm dilated. They offered me to soak in the tub, which I gladly tried, as being in the bathtub had helped enormously the day before. But today, it didn’t help…I was disappointed and in a kind of slow agonizing pain. My attending midwife, Waverly, came to sit by the tub and talk with me. I told her how the warm water had worked before, but not now. She said it’s more likely to work in early labor and  less likely in the later stages. I asked her if she had any advice for me, to make it easier. She said unfortunately no because my breathing technique was already good. She offered just that when labor seemed unbearable, that was usually the shortest period of it and an indication that the end was near. I nodded, and felt a little afraid of what was coming…she brought up using Pitocin to speed the labor along. I hesitated because I had originally wanted to be completely drug-free during the birth. I asked about the membrane sweep they’d suggested at my last doc appt, but Waverly said that’s usually done to get me to the point where I was now. I was like “oh” and was in such a slow kind of agonizing discomfort, that eventually I said Yes to the Pitocin just to be free of my current state more quickly – the pain made me a little desperate. She noted that it could speed things up or it might not affect me and still take 12 more hours. So. But they started me on some Pitocin through IV and it worked like immediately – the contractions got almost unbearable in that I was getting no “break” to rest in between them—they were one on top of the other, and a nurse came in and said she would adjust the amount so that they wouldn’t be so harsh. This whole time, R had been massaging me, my back, at my side, he never left. I was pushing for 4 1/2 hours (I thought someone said 6 hours, then heard 4, idk, I lost track of time because in a heavy daze of pain). But the only meds I took were the Pitocin (a form of oxytocin) to speed the labor and Benadryl to help me rest and reduce swelling in cervix (midwife said cervix was swollen before I started pushing). Labor was all-encompassing; all I could think during it was “don’t clench your teeth” (and over and over I would touch my tongue to the roof of my mouth as Supriya had taught us in our class, to not clench my teeth) and to breathe in and out – that’s all I could focus on during the contractions, they were so overwhelming. They were like waves, but not happy beach waves, they were like…body-rocking waves of extreme discomfort. I had read to imagine yourself riding on top of a wave with each contraction, so I tried imagining this- that I was floating slightly above an ocean wave and not caught inside of it- but it didn’t seem to help. My legs shook involuntarily. There was a bed rail on the bed with handles for gripping, and in my normal state with germaphobe tendencies, I would not have touched it, but during labor I reached out and gripped it over and over again with all my might, just to help me get through. And I think I could never again re-create the sounds I was making when I was in labor, unless I was ever in labor again. They were just primal/pain/pure…there were so many things my body was doing that my mind could not control. I forget a lot that happened, but the midwives were great, gentle, knowledgeable, coaching me into different positions, helping me time the pushes. My water broke halfway or maybe 3/4 of the way through – I only know because the midwives exclaimed when it happened – I didn’t feel anything inside, just a sudden warm gushing on my thighs, and I heard them say it was clear. I pooed twice and I know R saw it, but it was when they were SPECIFICALLY coaching me to “push just how you push when you poo,” they kept saying that – so that’s what I did, and that’s what happened, it seemed logical, and wasn’t a big deal relative to the bigger picture that was happening, and I was too distracted to care. I asked R about it afterwards and he said they weren’t gross poos- I think they were little ones. I think they used a catheter on me twice: once when his progress down was really slow, they thought maybe my bladder was blocking the way, and they got a lot of pee out; and then once more after he was born, I think just so I didn’t have to get up to pee after all that labor. It didn’t hurt at the time they did it, but a week later, I think I’m sore from it. After a few hours of pushing, Waverly told me they had a rule that if someone is pushing more than 2 hours, they have to inform the doctor, so she went and did, and made a comment like, “if you really want to impress the doctor, push him out a little further so he sees you’re almost there” and some part of me always wants to please and impress, and I tried my hardest, and by the time the doctor got there (loudly complaining he hit a deer on the way), I was on my back with my legs open and he just tilted his head to look from afar and was like, “Oh, I didn’t have to come here for that- he’s almost out” and said to me, “you’ll have a baby before the night’s over” and that gave me more confidence/a feeling like there was light at the end of this tunnel. In my pain/focused state though, I could only whisper or nod or shake my head- it seemed the more intense it got, the more of my voice I lost. I whispered “ok thank you” to him or something. Maybe a half hour after the doctor visited (but I could be totally off, my sense of time was skewed at that point), I pushed Hunter out. On his way out, Waverly asked if I wanted a mirror so I could see his head and be more motivated, but I had heard them talking about how much hair he had and showing R his head and R saying wow he could see it, and I wanted to stay focused and not change my body position, and the thought of seeing/touching a hairy head emerging from between my legs grossed me out a little, so I said, “No it’s ok, I believe you” and got a chuckle from the room for that response, for some reason. During the pushes at the end, I felt Waverly squirting warm water/oil onto me each time, and stretching me in a “U” motion with her fingers, so I wouldn’t tear. She was really soaking me each time, it felt good, and I think they had to change the absorbent pad underneath me a lot. I also noticed near the end, more nurses coming into the room and setting up the weighing station and stuff, and that kind of encouraged me too- it seemed like they were all preparing for baby’s arrival, so I assumed it meant I was close. I could feel his head like at my opening at some point, and it was an uncomfortable feeling like something was stuck there that wasn’t supposed to be stuck there, and I wanted to push it out, so I pushed a little more frequently at that point, and I didn’t even really feel it, but suddenly he was all out and they brought him up to me saying, “here’s your baby.” I looked at him; it was the first time, I never saw a face like that before. I wasn’t sure if he was really mine. I was shocked and didn’t recognize anything in his face at first. But as each day passes, I recognize him more and more. More and more, he seems mine.

While I was still holding him, Waverly asked me to push some more to deliver the placenta, which was nothing compared to pushing out Hunter. I heard Brie  (a midwife-in-training I think, who had been there the whole time and was great) saying it was a beautiful placenta (i just quickly glanced at it, was kind of afraid to look, they’d put it in what looked to me like the bottom half of a plastic food storage container), and did I want to take it home (i said no). I heard Brie explaining to R how to cut the cord, and joking with R he should be awarded a masseuse certificate (he never stopped massaging me for all those hours). And then Waverly and Brie sitting in front of my pussy and Waverly stretching my lips back, pointing out something to Brie saying, “that will heal on its own” and that I didn’t need stitches or anything, which I was really grateful for and attributed to all of Waverly’s stretching and continuous warm-water-squirting. Also R told me later that the cord had been wrapped around baby’s neck when he was coming out, and he was glad i didn’t try to deliver at home with just us (an option I’d been considering), because he wouldn’t have known what to do.

After everything was quieter later, Bernadette, one of the midwives, came to check on us and asked me what was the hardest part, and I told her it actually wasn’t the labor, because the labor/pushing had purpose – I felt it was bringing me to some end point. The hardest part for me were the contractions before the pushing, bc they just felt like slow torture/suffering with nothing I could do about it.

The stay at Elmer Hospital maternity ward (NJ) was actually amazing though – everyone was so…nice, and accommodating, and knew what they were doing and took care of us, AND it included room service- food brought to us any time we called (my appetite came back really soon after the birth)- I didn’t know it would be like that – me and R were saying it was almost like a mini-vacation, staying there. Hunter was born at 2 in the morning on Friday, and we left later in the day on Saturday.

***

We changed overnight. We’re not who we were before. Just like, in the span of a week. We became parents, we gave a human a name, chosen by ourselves, that he will have the rest of his life. it’s overwhelming, and made more overwhelming from lack of sleep from the crying baby. I see now why the lady from the hospital, before she turned to go after helping us strap in the car seat, said so seriously, “call if you need anything, you’re not alone.” it seemed an overly dramatic sentiment to me at the time, in the happy sunlight of late afternoon in the wide quiet parking lot after everything was “over,” but now I see she just knew what she was talking about. I can see why, now, she would say that to us as parting words.

I think as long as we change together, it’s OK. It’ll be ok. Change with me, my love. Don’t leave me alone.

***

Tonight, we were all on the couch, watching Glow Up, with Hunter on my lap. R said what I had just thought a few minutes ago. He said, “He’s going to grow up really fast.” (my exact thought a few minutes ago was, “things are going to go really fast now.”). I said, “yeah.” R said, “We still have to do stuff, just you and me. We can’t forget about us.”

8/29/21

I keep thinking about the stories I read during this pregnancy about how native (Chinese?) field-working women would just, when they felt their baby coming, squat down and have him, strap him on her back, and keep working in the field. I hope I can do something like that. I hope I can have such absence of drama. So much popular media showing the contrary has been embedded in my mind since I was little. Please make my mind strong and overpoweringly creative. Please let me unlearn what I used to believe. Unleash it from the core of my being and let it fly away, and give me a new core.

9/1/21

tonight, this feeling again of being physically vulnerable/limited by the basketball stomach, yet in mind, feeling clear and focused and capable. It started raining hard and I was trying to close all the windows in the house and this one wouldn’t shut (my ab muscles are kinda not in place/weak right now) and my immediate rxn was “oh no you fucker” and I shoved everything aside and with all my might – closed it. Got adrenaline rush from being mad at the window lol. But also, not really being careful anymore to not strain myself, cause I guess it doesn’t matter if I strain myself to the point it makes the baby come out, since I’m full term now.

9/2/21

he feels even lower maybe- his head. I can almost feel it if I bend over too much, the head stops me from bending all the way (every time they’ve checked starting a few weeks ago, his head is down). feeling more anxious to get everything “done” and in place before he comes (my due date is tomorrow and we still have unpacked moving boxes everywhere, my clothes are taking up his whole changing table, his cradle not set up yet…) Packed most of my hospital bag I think, but not all. And then trying to calm down, in reaction to the anxiety. Again, still, have serious questions about how something so big/basketball-size is going to fit through my little pelvis- it doesn’t seem physically possible when I’m looking in the mirror, and I get scared about this- this is contributing to the anxiety, maybe 20%. But 80%, I am excited to see him, to experience birth with him, and looking forward, trusting, and at peace. I know, just when I need it God, you’ll bring me to 100 percent.

At my last appt on Tuesday, she said I was 39 weeks and 3 days I think. She said the latest I can go before they induce is like 41 weeks and something days. I didn’t know there was a limit, it kinda stressed me out to hear this. I wanted to wait until he just came on his own. But she said the more you wait past this certain time, the increased risk of stillbirth (she called it “the S word”) and other complications. I didn’t realize this- i thought you could take all the time you wanted. They want to do a “membrane sweep” at my next appt on 9/9, if I don’t have him before then. I looked up what a membrane sweep was and saw it can be really uncomfortable – they stick their fingers up there, into your cervix, and like, PULL the baby sac away from the uterine wall, in order to stimulate labor. So…I don’t think I want to do that. I have a hard enough time dealing with simple pap smears where they just scrape the surface of the cervix…I think I would rather “chance” it waiting, than for them to do that to me. It’s my body, still. And I trust Hunter (we think we’ll name him this)—I feel him moving and lowering and even slight cramps sometimes – I know he’s coming. Maybe he’s ready, and he’s just waiting for ME to get all my shit together – like mentally and with his furniture/house.

9/3/21

At the end of this pregnancy, still bumping into/backing up into things with my tummy and butt, by accident.  Still not used to this expanded body, and frequently misjudge distances. Still shocked at my transformed and transforming physical state, even after nine months. Was telling R while we were driving to my now-weekly and soon-to-be-twice-weekly non-stress test and ultrasound appointment, how it would be nicer if the baby grew outside your body- in a see-through sac- then the doctors could just observe it and not have to do so many tests. R agreed and joked it would be better if you could cook up a baby, like combine R’s cum with my blood or something, and cook him up in a pan, so baby-having could be more intentional and not as scary.

8/22/21

I do feel a little different. Sometimes, for the past few days, I feel a feeling in my low abs that is similar to when my period is about to start. They’re very light- pretty light- and then they go away. At my ultrasound on Friday, she said it could happen any day now. It kinda shocked me when she said that…but I guess it’s true.

8/23/21

Last night buying some food with R at whole foods – stopped there between moving from parents house (after staying there the past 7 months), and driving to our new house to stay permanently—I started crying in the potato chip aisle, I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I know the baby’s coming soon—I don’t know what he’ll be like, if there will be huge problems associated, if I’ll be a good mom. I love R with all my heart and am committed to him, but my parents, over the span of my entire lifetime, have proved themselves trustworthy to me, and where I am headed: a new house, deeper into my first marriage, about to meet my first baby – all these things are still unproven/unknown to me, are still mysteries, and I don’t know what will happen with them, and I felt scared because of this- all these new mysteries at once, so I cried. When we got to the house, after I helped R unpack, I went upstairs to my new bedroom and shut the door, and cried more, in the dark.

8/25/21

R said something really cute last night. we were opening chinese restaurant fortune cookies, and one said, “You will be lucky in love” and after he read it aloud he said, “That’s why I never win the lottery tickets I buy.” I was confused – I thought he was connecting the lottery with love and being sarcastic, so I was like, “You win sometimes!” But he was like “No, I don’t win them, cause when you’re lucky in love, you’re unlucky in other areas.” hehe.

Also when he got home last night, he kept saying we should go on a walk, and after dinner we finally did, and held hands the whole time, and it was so nice. Our first walk around our new neighborhood. The moon was amazing – out-of-proportion full, like in the movies.

I was thinking maybe babies come out because they’re tired of you balancing your bowls and plates on top of them, using them as table tops to eat off of.

8/26/21

There’s so much time and mind space for fear and doubt to take over. You have to believe you’re going towards something great, like before you met Rodrigo- you had that feeling – that faith- that strange surety that even though things are hard and chaotic at present, that you’re being led towards …bliss. And it happened, with him: before I even met him, I felt that feeling like I was being led, and I did- I met him. It could happen again. Always anticipate magic.

I’m afraid I’m never going to feel “settled” again. because even though I know there will be an end to putting things where they need to be in the house (we just moved to new house), the baby is also coming, and that kind of never ends, right? I feel like I’m going from task to task, with no end in sight.

8/28/21

i wish i could have a picture of this, of how he fell asleep tonight: we were entwined facing each other on our sides, his mouth on my forehead, and he reached down and spread his big hand on my belly, over his son about to be born, and fell asleep. i never thought i wd be here, 9 months pregnant, in what feels like mutual love, with a husband – my husband. but i’m here. and the night, finally, was so cool and quiet around our house- our house, just us- only crickets, and the occasional passing car.

8/15/21

first time I had this thought in all my years of online shopping and 39 years on this earth: “maybe the person is being slow to ship because my last name is asian.” (*edit 8/22: turned out that wasn’t the reason: it was because they hadn’t picked up any mail at her husband’s work this week, she sent me a nice message)

Lately (like within the past two weeks, including today), like two or three times already, I’ve seen white flashes at the corner of my eyes – in like peripheral vision. idk if I should get my eyes checked or if they’re angel spirits revealing themselves to me for a moment, because that’s kind of what it looks like. it looks like a flash of white wing with a streak of red or purple. once was at night in R’s room when we were going to bed, once today just sitting at computer in my room alone, and I think another time in my room alone….this never happened to me before.

8/16/21

have been feeling a little different lately, but hard to describe. A little more ants-in-pants-y, restless. I like doing physical hands-on chores like folding laundry; it unsettles me to sit reading for too long (even tho there’s so much I wanna read) or sit watching tv for too long or sit anywhere for too long; I just suddenly need to stand up and move or use bathroom. and I noticed I’ve been swaying more – swaying and rocking my body, my hips while standing, while leaning.

8/18/21

tonight, going to bed, I got a little heartburn and it gave me an idea. I said to Rodrigo, “can’t I just barf him up?” (meaning the baby) And R thought for a moment and said, “I think that might hurt even more.”

8/8/21

I will not complain about anything, even though it’s so easy to: the weight is heavy, it’s swinging me everywhere, getting in the way, slowing me down. But I refuse to: this is such a special time, and it’s almost over, and it might never be here again. There won’t be a peep or a whine or a groan out of me, unless it is involuntary. And not one complaining word or thought, because those are voluntary. I won’t be ungrateful. Whatever it takes, I will keep my heart full of thanks.

8/9/21

I don’t know why I just thought this, but was thinking about Mir, then I thought: “any guy who rapes a girl is destined to have all daughters.” because…he has to learn. how….horrible it was, what he did. He has to see them innocent from the beginning, like I was. Then maybe he would understand, what a price I paid.

lately have been looking in the mirror at myself from the side and thinking like, yes even though I’m big, I’m not THAT big- like super huge or out-of-proportion huge. I think I can handle it. I think I’ll be able to. And I’ve been feeling good, almost normal (except for when trying to get up, walking-waddling, climbing stairs, etc). But I think my body wouldn’t give me something I couldn’t handle.

I feel like I’m coming up to one of the biggest challenges in my life: to be in a state of such intensity and possibly pain, and at the same time you’re supposed to relax your entire body, completely calm your mind, never clench your teeth or panic at all. Like, totally fighting your initial most impulsive response- sacrificing that- and responding with a really conscious, alternative response. It’s like: during possibly the most intense thing in your life, you have to be the most calm you’ve ever been. It seems crazy… but a cool challenge too, I guess. And useful/applicable to many situations, not just birth.

8/10/21

might it be fun? might it be a good time? (the birth)

dream last night: was at a summer-camp-type event, it was all girls. everyone else (maybe 25-50 girls) went a dining hall to hang out, they were not pregnant. There were three of us, including me, that were pregnant, and I think we had to have our babies first, before we could re-join the main group. They brought us to a separate big room. I think the other two girls were my friends or at least acquaintances. While we were just getting started trying to have our babies, I said to our leader there, what if my baby doesn’t come out for two days? A week? Do I have to stay here the whole time? And she said yes. Then the other two girls had their babies—it seemed they had no problem, and they left, and I was alone. My baby wouldn’t come. I thought stuff like maybe the due date is off, or cause I’m a first-time mom it was taking longer, a lot of worries. But I knew I wanted to wait for him—for the right time—I would never let myself be induced if I could help it, I still felt.  The dream was neutral/had no bad feelings up to this point when I was the last one left to have a baby, then there was this feeling of other people waiting for me, which I didn’t like, and the worries of if he would ever come/if there were problems preventing him/if I was normal or there was something wrong with me.

8/11/21

funny how in the 1st trimester, I would feel a little sick before I ate. And now in the 3rd trimester, I feel a little sick after I eat.

8/1/21

something that kind of helped me that I saw on my Instagram yesterday, was a video by Rebecca Rosen, a medium that I follow. she was talking about souls, how once they die/separate from their physical body, they report that all their physical pain and strain and burden is lifted, and it’s not sad for them, and they’re just aware of the disappearance of the pain – a freeing feeling. This is what I hoped had happened for Baby. I know he was suffering. I hope I helped him. That’s all I wanted to do—was just help him, relieve him.

also, I just wanted to write down, it was a few days after baby died, and me and dad were at the dining table, I think finishing breakfast, and for real, a glass pepper shaker/bottle of spice just knocked over by itself- no one was near it to move it at all. it hadn’t been leaning, it was on a flat surface, there was no wind or anything. even dad commented like, “how could that fall? there was no one there” and i just didn’t say anything, i was thinking about baby. It reminded me of when Baby, when he was starting to get bad, but could still walk, would jump up on the table and knock down stuff in the process of inspecting all our food. It made me more sad than gave me chills or anything; i’m not scared of baby’s ghost because I feel like I know him so well. it just made me miss him, and at the same time wonder if he was here… if he was there with us- his energy that never dies, which is a soul.

this weekend, while at the Wawa check out, the cashier told rodrigo he better hold the bag because (and then she pointed to my belly).

And then the next day at the gas station, after Rodrigo paid and we were about to go, the gas attendant said congratulations to him – I had been slumped down in my seat with a tray of food on my lap and didn’t think he noticed, but I guess it’s really noticeable now.

8/2/21

going through My Favorites on Chewy site, looking for food to order for Snowflake, seeing I had saved all these different foods in duck flavor for Baby, cause he loved duck. But Snowflake doesn’t, so I was deleting them, and it made me so sad.  To delete them. He never got to try some of them…there wasn’t enough time. Should I have given him more? Been more attentive to this food list/food variety? Should I have never moved out to Philly those few years and left him home here? Should I have brought him with me to Philly – would he have been happy away from the familiar big house and big yard? What made him more happy: being in the only home he’d ever known with its many conveniences, or being with me in a city apartment? I don’t know….i don’t know, I’m not sure now, but when I moved, I was more sure he was better where I left him. And I was thinking lately, like…is it too much – euthanasia? Is it playing God—a responsibility we’re not supposed to take on? Like should euthanasia even exist, ethically? Like it’s almost too much for me—knowing that I alone- me- decided when and how he was going to die. But on the other hand, should I have just let him suffer every day, not able to walk- the pretty much total loss of his independence, peeing and shitting on himself, the changed look in his eyes, on his face, the desperation, the never playing anymore? Did I do the best thing possible? What could I have done better for him?

8/6/21

Two revelations had while in the bath:

I know you’ll take care of me. I know you’ll heal me – I don’t have to suffer longer than necessary. I know I don’t have to be afraid.

Feeling no desperation in any emotion- the total lack of desperation- is one of the keys to life. Because the opposite of it is confidence, faith, and trust. Sacrificing desperation and fear for faith and trust. It’s key.

8/7/21

With each passing week, I get calmer, and calmer, until the morning of day of his birth, I open my eyes in perfect peace. only four weeks left.

7/26/21

Please make me brave. I’ll train however you want, however I should. Please…make me brave enough to calmly and happily face birth when the time comes. When the time comes, let no alarm sound within me. Let no fear inside me – keep it all away from me. Don’t allow it anywhere near me: protect me with love, and courage, and wisdom. Shield me with humor and kindness – let them drip thickly over me, from my head to the floor- covering me completely- anoint me with humor and kindness, and bless me with a pure heart. Be with me, Lord. Protect me with the strength of women and the strength of my ancestors, and with the strength of my son’s ancestors. When the time comes, draw close to me the energies and presences of the best baby-birthers of the world who’ve come before me – put me in touch with them – connect us. Make me brave enough to safely birth my son, and to make my husband proud. Please remove from me, now and permanently, all chickenshit tendencies. I am willing and asking – please lead me. Thank you for this baby. Amen.

7/27/21

i feel like the person in me/impending birth didn’t really feel real to me all this time, until just this last month of it. I think because he’s moving so much now – it seems like…every hour or so, I can feel him squirming, moving, pushing hard against me. And I can feel him low now, low in my abdomen – he feels big and long to me now, instead of just like a jumping bean. Like I can almost picture how his human body looks, from the way he moves plus where inside me I feel him.

7/28/21

Got my first covid vaccine (Pfizer) on 7/21 last week. Have to do 2nd one on 8/11. It wasn’t bad; the Walmart pharmacist was cute, so I didn’t mind that he pinched me : ) He resembled R a little, but R is much cuter. My left arm just was sore the next day (I could still lift stuff though), and less sore the next, and I think I hardly felt it anymore by the third day. No “sick” symptoms or anything. My next shot I’m going to ask for it in my right arm, so it’s balanced out.

This past week, things like changing the name of my Chewy autoship from “Baby and Snowflake” to just “Snowflakes”, looking at Baby’s bed where he always used to sleep in my room, gathering up the towels he last lay on to wash them with the laundry, seeing his water bowl put away, even feeding Snowflake the treats that I fed Baby on his last day that he really liked – all made me really sad/made it wash over me again. I thought about what I might have done different, but I think the euthanasia session went as smoothly as possible – the only thing I wish I did was, I wish I went in and put my face close to his and bumped his head one last time, before she administered the lethal  IV (I wasn’t really sure what was happening and was really upset, and wanted to give the vets their working space), so he could smell me and see me more closely right before he died. But I was right there at his feet when they did it. We were outside and I was holding him in my lap, and he squirmed a few times before the vet even got there cause he wanted to go back inside, but I wanted to keep us outside for it. It was one of the worst, sinking, devastating feelings of my life, holding Baby there on the bench outside, knowing what was coming. At least mom was sitting there beside me, it helped. I had been holding him in my lap the whole time except handed him over for the sedative, then after the sedative we laid him down on the soft grass, and from then on I wasn’t super close to him – I was just by his feet and sometimes reached up to stroke him – bc I wanted to give the vets their space to do their thing. But that’s the only thing I would have changed- it seemed pretty peaceful otherwise- he didn’t even jump when they gave him the sedative (i was feeding him treats by the handful during- this probably distracted him?).

7/29/21

something just occurred to me when I was praying for R in the middle of the day. I just took a break from my work and closed my eyes and was praying the thing I always pray for him: “Thank you for my husband God. May he be the most blessed man in all the world.” I just realized like…maybe that’s why I got pregnant – because I keep praying for R to be blessed, and…and part of being blessed, for him, is having children, even though I was trying not to get pregnant. Even though I wasn’t trying to…I think…if this blesses him…I really want it. I just never considered before that…a blessing to him was coming through me – through my very body. I was imagining outside blessings when I prayed for him- things like money and status and protection, cars, houses, more like concrete things?  But I just realized this, and it made me happy that my prayer is being answered, and it makes me want to go through with it more. Go through with it completely, see it through to the end. The baby thing. If I can bless him – give him something with my body- surely, oh my God – I want to. Sign me up.

7/30/21

I feel like pregnancy for me didn’t really start to get difficult until this last month- the eighth month. It’s kind of hard to move now, and i really get out of breath easily now. I’m glad it’s only 30 more days, but at the same time, i feel like it’s all happening too fast and wish i had more time to prepare with stuff like settling into the new house, reading more about baby care….

Was thinking how I’m kind of glad Baby was a grumpy cat, because if he was 100% sweet and polite and adorable, I don’t think I could’ve taken his death… I think it might’ve killed me, the sadness of missing him, if he were a perfectly adorable cat. Like I actually- for real- feel blessed now for the times he’d bite me out of nowhere and shit all over the house, bc these things lessen the blow, in a way, for me. At the same time, I feel like I’d take every chomp of my leg and clean every shit with joy, if he could just be here with me now, alive and healthy, is how much i miss him. it feels hollow there, in the middle of my chest, where he used to be. it hurts.

7/17/21

omg.. he was moving so much just now (it’s past midnight, just had a tuna salad snack and am naked reclining back, on laptop reviewing journal) that I had to stop what I was doing—it was very distracting—and was cracking up, staring down at my belly moving. at one point I even asked incredulously out loud alone in my room, “what are you DOING?” and laughing. R said a funny thing today when we were taking a break while working on the house- how it would be cool if my belly became see-through when I got pregnant, and I totally agreed – I feel like he is doing the craziest stunts in there, and I wish I could see them.

7/20/21

so all these things kind of culminated and this afternoon made me start crying suddenly hard even while I was eating my turkey wrap in bed. I was sobbing hard and quietly (to not upset other ppl in the house) and wiping my face with my dress and typing for work and eating at the same time:

1. Sleep has been way disturbed for the past three nights starting Sat night, when I think I actually got 0 hours of sleep, worrying about if Baby wants to go downstairs for something (he wants to sleep in my room upstairs, his back legs stopped working so he can’ t walk so we carry him everywhere)

2. Euthanasia ppl coming this Thurs night to euthanize Baby, I arranged for it and will pay for it and everything…stressed about if it really is painless, how it will go…

3. At that moment was getting tons of work and even with RHA helping it was hard to keep up cause they sent it kind of all at once

4. my back hurts so much I can hardly walk – it feels a herculean task to get out of bed or to just go to bathroom across the hall (I think this is combo of working too hard with R on house this weekend plus added weight of baby)

5.  oh yeah- having a baby in like a month, looking in mirror at myself from the side actually scared me today, bc of how big I am now—I got scared bc I don’t know what will happen- in that moment my stomach just seemed so out-of-proportion big in relation to my body that I got freaked, I broke down a little wondering if it will hurt a lot, if I can handle it, and started praying and crying

6. The house is still not done, we’ve still got a lot to do before moving in, which I also can’t really help out with bc I’m so pregnant.

7/22/21

the baby feels longer, or sitting lower, or something, bc I can feel something in my lower abdomen where before I didn’t – the space used to be more freed up. like when I lift my legs now, there’s resistance there, where there wasn’t before. and he feels heavier – when I get up from bed now (maybe I shouldn’t get up so suddenly), I feel his heavy weight “float” down, and subsequently pushing down, like on my bladder.

I just realized that most of this pregnancy, my dominant feeling has been: shocked. Because I’m 7, almost 8 months in, and when I think about it, I still can’t believe a live human person is going to be coming out of my body.

I’m not sure the term “kicking” is very accurate. From that term, I had imagined (and was afraid of) the baby directly like pummeling my inner organs with his hands and feet, which I thought would be painful. But it’s not painful at all; I find it really funny…”kicking” for me is more like my stomach just jumping around, and the pressure is from the inside pushing out – I don’t feel it on my organs really. Maybe he’s really kicking, but I think there’s so much fluid around him, that it doesn’t feel like, soccer-ball-kicking.

7/23/21

I can’t believe how much it helped me to talk to R last night after Baby (cat) was euthanized. When he came home, he brought a potted white orchid which looked really pretty and all kinds of chocolate which really touched my heart, he ate dinner right away with me instead of showering first, then he showered and we ate dessert together and watched an episode of Shrill, then went down to bed and talked for what seemed a long time, maybe an hour, while I massaged him. Something he told me that felt really touching and helped was that the scientist Stephen Hawking, after one of his friends died, he sent that friend’s wife a letter saying something like this friend’s energy and substance and presence still exists somewhere—on a timeline/dimension that we maybe can’t access from here, but he nonetheless still exists.

7/24/21

my stomach feels lower, or bigger, or both, bc now when I bend/sit, I can feel my stomach right on top of my thighs, where I never did before. And my undies are hugging my waist even tighter than before, if that was possible…a little uncomfortable, but bearable.

7/11/21

Today worked with R all day on our house. In the same room sometimes, watching him go back and forth for hours from his miter saw outside, back in, and back out with his sweaty hair curling up, us smiling frequently when we passed each other. I still can’t get enough of him- the sight of him- and his company too. We’ll be married two years, this August.

Tonight while driving back from our house to parents’, a single sentence just came to mind, and I said it out loud to R. It was: “Shit, now I have to give a fuck about the world.” Then I tried to explain what I meant: I meant that before I was pregnant, I recycled and was a decent citizen or whatever. But now, with a baby, it’s different, I feel. Your care about the world (the state of it, how things are done, policies, procedures…) has to go deeper, if only because when you leave this place now, this person that you love and birthed from your body will still be here. I’m just realizing that one day I’ll be leaving him here, as if this world is a room I will never come back to. So in my mind, it follows that this place has to be as good as I can make it while I’m here- I feel like I can’t look away from problems as easily, I think. Especially problems within my power to fix. I never had to think like this before. But him about to be born makes me think like this.

7/12/21

personal epiphanies this week:

That…good is waiting, and stores of love are infinite.

Like: if you need a jumpstart, it’s ok to ask for one. You don’t have to generate all the electricity yourself.

*

Past maybe two weeks, cannot eat much; all my meals are relatively snack size. Figured it was cause of the heat, but I think also cause the baby’s getting bigger (my stomach’s bigger at least) so there is less room in my stomach. I get full pretty fast compared to the beginning trimester(s).

7/13/21

I feel like I’ve really gotten bigger lately- my belly. When I look in the mirror, I look like a “normal” unpregnant person from all angles, but when I turn to the side, it looks huge. And maybe if you’re straight in front of me, you can notice if you scrutinize. But I keep having a weird thought lately and idk why I keep thinking it (I thought it like 3 times in the past few days). It’s that I wish ____ could see me like this. I don’t know why. I guess because….it’s kind of sexy to be knocked up because…it means (unless you had like in vitro fertilization?) that someone banged you and came inside you, and…maybe I want him to think of me like that – as sexy/sex-worthy? Before I become an “unsexy” mom? I also think maybe because…I think my body looks pretty all curvy like this, or at least it’s very attention-drawing, sensual, this physical state, and…idk. I just wish that he could see me – see my body, how it can change, how beautiful it looks. R is super appreciative; I love how he says my belly is cute and sexy and everything- I know he loves it and I’m lucky to have him pat it every night and kiss it and put his ear to it and adore it – I know I could not flourish without this support from him- my husband, my love. Idk why I still want to know like…how another man feels about my changed body. His opinion, his reaction. Do I derive too much satisfaction from the male gaze (this may have become an unconscious habit during my formative years..maybe just because it was an easily-acquired habit)? Am I greedy or vain – not satisfied with just one admirer? Or is it something else? I feel like, in a way, right now I’m in this…super-fleeting state, like a physical state that I may never be in again – like when you spend hours getting ready to go out somewhere and…that makes you feel like being seen by other people. Like on your wedding day, or just a night out on the town. I think this is kind of how I’m feeling. Even though it’s hard to walk/bend over/get up and even breathe sometimes:  I feel proud, I guess, and pretty, and in a super-feminine way, very vulnerable. Like I’m reaching the pinnacle of something, and once I’m past it, it might be gone forever. So I think maybe the biggest reason (besides the other little reasons) I keep having this thought of “I wish ____ could see me” is that I feel like I’m right in the middle of a very special time and…I just wanted him to see it, to share it, be a little part of it- a witness. But we don’t even talk or see each other from the shoulders down anymore, we’re still remote working (which I actually thank God and am glad for, and I hope continues, so I can breastfeed for as long as possible.) P.S. just realized I’ve also wished recently (though not as often) that my grandmother could see me too in this state, so…maybe these thoughts were not as adulterous as I first thought?

Baby is moving so much inside me today – it seems twice as much as usual.

7/8/21

My belly is starting to accidentally bump into things I don’t mean for it to.

7/9/21

I think the thing I will miss most, or one of the cutest things about Baby my cat, when he’s gone is hearing his snoring during a nap. It always surprises and delights me. It’s so soft and funny…and sounds different every time. It never lasts too long, so I try to stop what I’m doing when I notice and just lay close to him and listen. (about two months ago, we brought him to the vet bc he’d gotten really skinny and we thought he had diabetes, but the exam found a tumor, I think in his liver?, and the vet estimated a month for him to live)

“The infinite power is real only, and everything else is a lie.” – Joseph Murphy

7/10/21

I feel like it’s taking me twice as long to do everything – huge top-loading washer at my parents house that before pregnant, I had to stand on a stool and put half my body in to get everything out. Now with my belly, I’m maneuvering in all sorts of positions to get the clothes out of this washer and becoming out of breath doing it. Loading the dryer – the bent over position – I actually had to stop and take a break – my back gets sore so much more easily.

I’m afraid when after the baby comes out, my whole middle will look like a deflated balloon. It’s kinda pretty now- all my skin stretched so tight everywhere. Like I’m bursting with life.