8/8/21
I will not complain about anything, even though it’s so easy to: the weight is heavy, it’s swinging me everywhere, getting in the way, slowing me down. But I refuse to: this is such a special time, and it’s almost over, and it might never be here again. There won’t be a peep or a whine or a groan out of me, unless it is involuntary. And not one complaining word or thought, because those are voluntary. I won’t be ungrateful. Whatever it takes, I will keep my heart full of thanks.
8/9/21
I don’t know why I just thought this, but was thinking about Mir, then I thought: “any guy who rapes a girl is destined to have all daughters.” because…he has to learn. how….horrible it was, what he did. He has to see them innocent from the beginning, like I was. Then maybe he would understand, what a price I paid.
lately have been looking in the mirror at myself from the side and thinking like, yes even though I’m big, I’m not THAT big- like super huge or out-of-proportion huge. I think I can handle it. I think I’ll be able to. And I’ve been feeling good, almost normal (except for when trying to get up, walking-waddling, climbing stairs, etc). But I think my body wouldn’t give me something I couldn’t handle.
I feel like I’m coming up to one of the biggest challenges in my life: to be in a state of such intensity and possibly pain, and at the same time you’re supposed to relax your entire body, completely calm your mind, never clench your teeth or panic at all. Like, totally fighting your initial most impulsive response- sacrificing that- and responding with a really conscious, alternative response. It’s like: during possibly the most intense thing in your life, you have to be the most calm you’ve ever been. It seems crazy… but a cool challenge too, I guess. And useful/applicable to many situations, not just birth.
8/10/21
might it be fun? might it be a good time? (the birth)
dream last night: was at a summer-camp-type event, it was all girls. everyone else (maybe 25-50 girls) went a dining hall to hang out, they were not pregnant. There were three of us, including me, that were pregnant, and I think we had to have our babies first, before we could re-join the main group. They brought us to a separate big room. I think the other two girls were my friends or at least acquaintances. While we were just getting started trying to have our babies, I said to our leader there, what if my baby doesn’t come out for two days? A week? Do I have to stay here the whole time? And she said yes. Then the other two girls had their babies—it seemed they had no problem, and they left, and I was alone. My baby wouldn’t come. I thought stuff like maybe the due date is off, or cause I’m a first-time mom it was taking longer, a lot of worries. But I knew I wanted to wait for him—for the right time—I would never let myself be induced if I could help it, I still felt. The dream was neutral/had no bad feelings up to this point when I was the last one left to have a baby, then there was this feeling of other people waiting for me, which I didn’t like, and the worries of if he would ever come/if there were problems preventing him/if I was normal or there was something wrong with me.
8/11/21
funny how in the 1st trimester, I would feel a little sick before I ate. And now in the 3rd trimester, I feel a little sick after I eat.
Marriage Journal 