4/1/23

I just had one of the most horrible thoughts I’ve had in my whole life, I think. I was with baby all morning taking care of him, during which my skin was hurting (neck, hands, and feet), and he also pooed and when I was washing him in the shower by myself (R wasn’t home), the water stung my hands a lot. When I opened the window to throw a bug outside (while simultaneously baby was whining to nurse for the 5th-6th time that morning, it felt like too much) I saw the rain had gone and it was beautiful out- warm, breezy, bright and sunny. So got him ready asap and took him to the playground so he would stop the never-ending nursing, then R came back from a job after we’d been at the playground maybe an hour. He met us there, played with us a bit, then left to visit his bestie’s house and took baby with him. I walked home. A little while after that, R Facetimed me from the friend’s house with baby crying (he later told me he was stressed about that cause baby started crying as soon as they walked in the door and R didn’t know if he should stay or leave, and that’s when he Facetimed me), I guess baby was asking for me. I couldn’t do much over the phone, I tried to talk to him, tried to turn his attention to the dog his friend had, asking where he was, but baby crying too hard to change his mood with just that. After I hung up, I dreaded that they might come home soon if he didn’t stop crying, and I hadn’t had time to unwind yet at all. But R texted me he stopped crying eventually and was talking and watching TV with them, drinking juice. So I’ve been home by myself these last few hours –I was so enjoying the time alone to recuperate and just be by myself and quiet and have no demands on me and do as I wished, mostly.  Then when checking the weather, I saw there was a tornado watch, and it started storming. R texted me that where he was a few towns over, he got a notification on his phone to seek shelter in a basement/away from windows because that area was actually expecting one. After receiving this information, I noticed that my most prominent reaction to it was (the “most horrible thought” referenced at the beginning of this entry): “Maybe they’ll both die in the tornado, then I can be free of the responsibilities of them, and it wouldn’t be my fault at all.”

It upset me to realize I was thinking this. I think, though, if this happened in reality, I might be devastated. I think it’s just too much for me sometimes – so much – everything at once (meaning the physical pain when my skin hurts, on top of caring for baby alone for hours-long stretches with no one here for backup support, on top of pressure to keep the house clean, on top of pressure to provide everyone – me, baby, and R- with meals, either cooking or buying them). If I had to assign percentages, I’d say…my skin issues account for maybe 50% of the hardship, actually caring for baby 30%, and household maintenance worries, 20%.

4/2/23

tonight while nursing, at the beginning, he smushed his face into my boob and blew a raspberry, and laughed. lol.

4/4/23

just read this phrase in a Sharon Olds poem from her book, Balladz. It goes, “the peace of telling each other the truth.”  resonated with me and made me think of R. though we don’t have as much time to talk these days as we did before the baby, when we do, it’s nice, still. We tell each other stuff that happened to us that’s important (like R witnesses a lot of road rage incidents since he drives so much), our literal dreams we had last night and dreams for the future too, things we want to do, things we have to do, how we feel about it all. I love that we tell each other the truth. At least I know I do, and it seems that he also does with me, the best he can.

On Saturday afternoon, walking back from the park by myself on the path through the forest, i heard a snake before I saw it. Heard a rustling in the leaves right at the edge of the path and turned to see a really small thin brown snake slithering off the other way, as if I had scared him.

then the next day on Sunday, got stressed out taking care of Baby, so while R watched him inside, I took my pizza to eat outside in the backyard instead of sitting to eat with them. Was staring into the woods munching it for a few seconds when I saw a fox. Just one alone, the classic red-orange, the bushy tail and pointy ears and everything, was amazed- hadn’t seen one around here or really at all in my life, and she also was moving away from me, prancing off gracefully. After I saw her I thought, “I was probably chewing too loud.”

4/5/23

today and yesterday, did not get a chance to sleep in the morning, and went to sleep late as usual (1-2 am, I go up to bed asap after baby falls asleep nursing), then woke up around 7 (when R leaves/baby starts crying to nurse) and stayed awake because yesterday had urgent work in the morning and then today, had the weekly work meeting (every Wednesday). Have felt pretty good actually these mornings, but then around late afternoon, an overwhelming tiredness comes over me, and I need a nap. Also today and yesterday, the weather has been beautiful, I’ve taken walks out in the backyard and I’ve started eating the dandelions  and chickweed and violets and stuff I see popping up, I like the bitter spring taste of them, and it’s just peaceful to walk around the backyard picking things and munching, thinking, relaxing.

I happened to come across, online, while reading about the baby microbiome test Tiny Health (I ordered one for baby, who has mild dermatits that you can’t really see, but can feel some dry patches sometimes), a company called Viome which tests adults’ microbiomes. It was pricey – like $289 with a $100-off coupon – but I ordered one for myself because I so want to get to the bottom- or center or core- or whatever, of what is causing my skin issues. I need to find answers, solutions, because I’m in pain not all day, but daily- chronically. And I’ve had it since I was a baby, and I know if I go to doctors (at least regular ones, I can’t afford naturopathic ones, I wish), they will send me straight back into the cycle I’ve repeated for the last like 20+ years: dermatologist who recommends steroids, put the steroid cream, start getting better like the next day and mood uplifted because of fast results, but prolonged steroid use (2+ weeks) not recommended, and when I stop, everything comes back, usually worse. (I actually just learned this week about TSW- topical steroid withdrawal – which is an actual thing, not imagined). So anyway, my point, looking forward to using the Viome testing (I got the stool, blood, and spit test) and their recommendations, maybe something will come of it- never done this kind of test before.

Something i like about having a baby: gives me an excuse to buy and carry around cute organic toys. i love this little dog. Hunter named him Buh-buh, and thought he was a Rabbit at first, and that the hippos on his PJ’s were umbrellas.

4/6/23

Was just looking at baby and looking forward to giving him his space when he grows bigger, gets older and more independent. Which made me realize that if I’d never been raped, I think I would not be so conscious (maybe not conscious at all) about physical and just personal boundaries. Was thinking – funny how only when your boundaries have been crossed, are you truly aware of them/can see or sense them. Like nothing can exist without its opposite (very oversimplified, but).

4/7/23

Had the most restful nap the other night, when I picked up Baby from parents. I was going to leave but a sudden tiredness came over me there and I went up to my old bedroom and laid down and slept, I felt if I didn’t lay down to sleep, I wouldn’t be able to drive baby home safely- that’s how strong the feeling was. my body felt so heavy down into my bones, and I let all my weight melt into the bed, and I when I woke up I felt so much better, alert, had energy. I think maybe it was partly because I’ve been taking this tincture that’s supposed to calm you- it has skullcap, milky oat seed, motherwort, holy basil, and blue vervain.

R and I had such a nice day yesterday. Unexpected because I realized we had our tax appt with AARP at the library the day before we had it, and texted R as soon as I realized, and we went to it in the morning (stressful- gathering and organizing documents up until the minute we left) but afterwards, R took off the rest of the day, eating with me and watching our current show together (the queen’s gambit) and cuddling and napping, etc. while the baby was at parents’ as usual for weekdays. We were just home all day, but it actually felt like a date because we didn’t have to worry about baby – we hardly get this chance anymore.

3/27/23

conversation with baby around 7:50 am:

unlatches from nursing and looks at me seriously: “ants.” i look at him just as seriously and repeat, “ants?” he says yes. i say, “ants in your pants?” he looks down at his pj pants and says in a definite tone, “yes.” then he looks at r and says, “daddy schweeping.” “daddy sleeping,” i repeat, then he goes back to nursing. (he gets annoyed/even angry when you don’t understand what he’s saying, and if you do, he smiles and is happy)

3/29/23

i’ve honestly come to the conclusion that no one tells you how hard it is to care for a baby because if anyone knew beforehand how hard it was, no one would do it.

it’s so weird to be a mother. Because there are all these situations that converge, mentally, physically, emotionally and in lots of other ways, that kind of make you want to die/kill yourself/that test your boundaries to the absolute limit. At the same time, now you have this innocent being to care for, to live for, and now, more than ever, is the time to not die. It’s just the most confounding experience, to me.

3/30/23

The last like three days, have woken up on my own w/o alarm around 7 AM and kind of tired, so I go to lay back down, but I noticed that in a few minutes, like five minutes after I wake up on my own, rodrigo calls me on my phone that the baby is crying. Like we’re connected (and like I should’ve just gotten up when I woke up).

3/31/23

got out of bed today without delaying much because of previous days’ experience, and after using the bathroom was right in the room a few feet away when Baby woke up asking to nurse, so that was good. Though wish I had gotten there a little earlier because when I entered the room, R and Baby were in such a cute sleeping embrace together that I wanted to take a pic, but didn’t get a chance to.

One of the cutest things he does, is that for the word snake, he says “smake” and no matter how many times I say it right, he keeps saying “smake! smake!” R and I at the point now where we’re genuinely cracking up- even funny high-pitched laughs i never heard before from R- because baby is talking and acting so funny. He’s just learning to talk and doesn’t know what’s “normal” yet.

3/19/23

it’s amazed me several times already how rodrigo, when the baby is sleeping, hears him when he wakes, before I do. I thought I would have that “maternal instinct” and be the first one to notice his cries, but R still has been able to hear baby wake up before me, with us being in the same room the same distance away from him, several different times now, and across many months.

3/20/23

got to lie in bed naked with R yesterday, we found time during baby’s long nap in the afternoon. It was so nice because I can’t remember the last time we had that luxury of time – we even had time to stream-of-consciousness chat afterwards and just talk and laugh in bed. Usually bc of baby we are so time-crunched that we have sex with clothes on and without any formalities or anything “nonessential.” I was just sitting here looking out the window remembering it, and smiled, glad that we hadn’t forgotten how to be lovers, glad to know that it was just put on hold for now. I thought, “this is going to be a good marriage.”

another reason i don’t use phone much anymore while nursing, compared to when he was a younger baby: now, he is aware enough to notice (and be bothered by) when i’m not paying attention to him. The other week as we were getting ready to nurse, he actually grabbed my phone, threw it off the bed, and said, “put away!” Also problematic if he sees the phone: he knows it plays videos and will ask to watch Hickory Dock videos and get distracted from nursing/sleeping.

3/21/23

sometimes I’m so tired I can’t talk. like to just think of saying something audibly, I can’t do it, because I know it will actually hurt to put forth the energy. I’ve never felt this level of tired in my life, and for such a sustained length of time.

at the same time, I feel that, with each day, imperceptibly, things are getting easier than they once were- easier than when just after baby was born (which was the hardest). I couldn’t even say exactly how, except that I am doing more things now than I could before, like driving to my parents house to pick him up, whereas before, I couldn’t even think of doing that- I just let them bring him back. Now I can put forth a little more energy, I have a little more energy to give.

3/25/23

what i love about him growing up is that i sense that soon i won’t be able to hide anything from him; he sees and hears everything, and senses things too. i feel like he’ll be like a purifying fire that calls out all our hypocrisies.

3/14/23

Like the past three days, have been feeling hungrier and seem to be eating more and enjoying food with similar increased intensity and pickiness as when i was pregnant (though not as intense as then). this coincides with when Hunter displayed symptoms of sickness on Sunday (runny nose and cough) and started nursing more. I think it’s my body’s response to how much more he’s breastfeeding- like it needs all these extra calories and fluids to make the milk and keep up with Baby’s sudden increased need for it. That’s pretty cool i think.

Have also been dreaming of specifically what I want to eat lately, and waking up with a craving for it – last week it was chicken n dumplings, today was a brownie

9:10 pm

nursing him, he smells like cheese and strawberries (two of the many things he had for dinner).

3/15/23

this morning dreamed of a layered peach cobbler/oatmeal and also cinnamon buns

Hunter sick this week and nursing what seems to me like nonstop day and night- i hardly have time to finish my work and just take basic care of myself the past few days bc he been keeping me up periodically all night so that im exhausted by 8 am and need some uninterrupted sleep starting then. getting into late afternoon today, after he’s been (and still is) nursing for about 2 hours straight (1-2 times during when he seemed asleep, i tried to pull my nipple out but that just roused him to keep sucking both times and he bit down hard before he did the first time). i’m lying here frustrated bc i’m just watching my work pile up on the screen, and i can’t do anything about it until he lets me go. he’s doing this half-asleep thing where his eyes are closed and im sure he’s relaxed and getting some sleeplike benefit, but he’s not fully asleep and still sucking away pretty hard and consistently.

3/16/23

when I sleep at my parents, I have to sleep with the baby and I noticed that I remember so many dreams because of how often I’m woken up- he wakes me up like every three hours or less, in the middle of dreams. When I sleep at home, rodrigo sleeps with the baby and I sleep upstairs by myself after I’ve nursed him to sleep, and I noticed that when I wake on my own up there I usually don’t remember any dreams really vividly like I was just having them, which I realized is a good thing. It means I slept a whole cycle, I think. since having the baby, I don’t know how many hundreds of times I’ve woken up in the middle of dreams. I don’t know exactly what it does to you, but it can’t be good.

3/18/23

a kind of gauge telling the level of brain affected due to lack of/abnormal sleep: before i left the house today, from inside the living room with the door closed, pointed the TV remote towards the car because I thought it would start it. for some reason.

was wondering a few times this past week if anyone ever died like indirectly from complications from breast-feeding. I feel like if I lived in another country where I didn’t have access to a hospital and I got as sick  as I did this past December, I might have.

lately, have started to hold my head in my hands a lot. I haven’t adopted this posture really at any other time in my life I think.

3/5/23

i think being pregnant is so different than caring for a child. with one there were just some dietary restrictions, but i felt good and ate basically whatever i wanted and grew fat and enjoyed it (the end was hard tho). with the other, you have to be so much more responsible- there’s so many ways babies can hurt themselves. i can’t even leave chopsticks in his reach, and his reach is expanding every day.

3/8/23

the weird smothering move I was doing has stopped working this week – when I’ve tried the last few times, it was fruitless- he kept his jaws clenched so that I was basically stretching and pulling my nipple like taffy every which way. One or two times, it might have worked in that it woke him up just enough to keep him from the hard biting he does when in a deeper sleep state, but overall not working well at all. I got these silicone chopsticks hoping they might work: when he’s asleep and bitten down with no releasing me in sight, I stick the end of one in his mouth and use it to try to pry his teeth open to release myself. But the angles are really awkward and even this doesn’t always work; sometimes it makes him start chomping more and I get caught in it (and it’s more painful because I would have started to pull out, so he’s chomping on the most sensitive tip part). Other times, he’s tired enough to let it go, and the chopstick method lets me get away sooner than if I’d just waited and done nothing.

3/9/23

made me sob a little from happiness and from missing him when I thought of this in the bath this morning: whenever Rodrigo FaceTimes me and Baby, and it’s time to hang up, I try to end it with just the video on baby, because I usually don’t feel ready or dressed up enough to be on video- I’m tired all the time and just trying to get through each day- but when  I do that, R always asks, “I want to see mama too.” like he doesn’t want the baby to take up our entire lives. Making sure I literally do not crop myself out of the picture. And I’m grateful for this, for him.

3/10/23

starting to think there is an unseen like spiritual side to the biting. like once or twice in the past week when I’ve been nursing him, I could kind of feel that he wasn’t going to bite, a while before it happened (and he didn’t). And I didn’t know why I knew it then, but now it seems like the closer connection I have with Baby, the more attention I give him before and during, the better understanding we have between us, the less he bites, or the better I can anticipate/deal with it.

3/2/23

skin still getting (very slowly) better. I still think it’s the L’amarue that’s helping.

 For the past week or so, have continued employing the “weird” technique, it has been helping me avoid the final painful bite at the end of nursing. Realized (though it took me months) that when the end is near and he’s almost asleep, I have to be proactive if I want to avoid the bite, instead of just sitting back and letting it happen.

he’s talking so much now, repeating (and coming up with) real sentences of like 3 to 5 words. It’s a wonder and a joy to see what he’ll do, any given second. I always look forward to seeing him now. I actually told him when he woke up, the last time he nursed today, as we both laid on our sides and stared into each other’s faces, that “I’m so glad you can talk now, baby.” I told him that all he used to do during this time was just kick me, and I laughed to myself, remembering.

2/20/23

holding baby’s now-familiar hand in the dark at 1:43 am while he nursed, both of us calm, i thought: “we had language before we had language.”

2/21/23

he nened until 1:25 am tonight- near end, again so tired and wanting him to let go, and he’d also started biting- i did a weird thing but it worked. I was pretty calm when I attempted, which is why I attempted it. pressed the boob he was sucking against his face so that it was uncomfortable so that he had to move his face- i was over him, but i never pinned him down and always gave him different directions he could turn his head- we struggled for some moments with me doing this, interspersed also with me trying to pull away multiple times and him not letting my nipple go, until he just let go. i think if he wasn’t about to fall asleep it wouldn’t have worked. but i think he was so tired at that point (it was almost 1:30 in the morning) that he let go in order to stop struggling. but i avoided that hard tear-jerking bite he does at the end using this method, which is like everything.

lately realized i have not been wanting to use phone while nursing. like the past few weeks. i sense it ending soon, or like this is the second half of it, and that time looking into his face is precious.

2/23/23

throughout the months since he started solids (so like the past 12 months), i noticed myself consuming and enjoying the puréed pouches maybe even more than baby. Why: convenient, fast, easy hunger-quencher i can eat (more like gulp) while cleaning, nursing, doing other stuff. Usually tasty, sweet fruits. but most of all i think: metabolism way slowed down because of not enough sleep, and puréed stuff seems easier/puts less burden on my tired digestive system.

something i just kind of realized: thinking of when I was really sick, right before I went to the ER, the worst day of it, my body craved no sweets at all, and I remember being surprised that I went all day without wanting to eat anything sweet (usually not a day passes where i don’t have a sweet craving), whereas in the days surrounding that worst day, sugar addiction was present. This says to me that…like…sugar is really non-essential (even detrimental, i know i’ve read it time and again) to healing. And looking back on whenever I’ve been really sick, I think the same temporarily-missing sugar craving has always happened, and this must be my body saying something. I realized I should listen to it in daily life if i want the best health- not just when I’m sick.

this week, started staying at parents again, overnight every weekday, and only going home on weekends. This is so dad doesn’t have to drive to my house every morning to pick up Baby (and drive him back at night), and my burden is eased some too: in the morning I just hand him over to mom or dad in the next room and go back to my room, instead of calling them and waiting for them to come over; and I don’t have to worry much about cleaning here, or cooking at all. But I really miss R, I miss our nights together when he comes home and it’s just us and Baby, and I think Baby might miss it a little too- the first night or two, he was saying “Dada” a lot. but I was talking with R tonight- he comes by my parents every other night or so to see us when time allows- we were talking about how since he’s been sleeping with Baby the past two months, he’s been more snappy and easily stressed, and I told him I recognized it as a symptom of sleep deprivation, because the same thing happened to me. he didn’t deny it, and I knew his nights with Baby getting woken up throughout the night were starting to wear on him, even though he wouldn’t admit it to me at the time. So me being at parents lets him get the sleep he needs, but now I am sleeping with the baby and getting woken up throughout the night again (mom/dad don’t seem to really want to sleep with baby, and I wouldn’t dare push this extra burden on them unless they like insist, and anyway, baby wants to sleep with me most of all, reaching to nurse whenever he wakes and crying for “mama” whenever he sleeps with anyone other than me). R and I both admitted tonight we didn’t really know what to do- that either R loses sleep or I lose sleep, depending on who sleeps with the baby. but he has to wake up earlier, and his job is much more physical. I don’t know. I didn’t realize, pre-baby, how important childcare was- having someone to watch the baby- it kind of directs and decides everything in the first years- things as big as your living situation.

2/25/23

Today had, unexpectedly (because I’m in the middle of a breakout), one of the best days I can remember in recent history. Most of why, I realized, was because I was expecting to feel skin pain today, but didn’t all day (I suspect this new cream, L’amarue, I’ve been using, is what’s helping, but have to use a while longer to be sure). Whatever it was that stayed my pain, I was so happy today that actual tears came to my eyes when we were just sitting in the Dunkin drive-thru after R ordered his caramel cold brew. I just felt so content in my body- nothing was stinging or aching- everything felt fine, and was so grateful for it, and was with my husband and baby going on a trip, and the sun was out and then I just felt tears in my eyes, and it was from happiness. It made me realize that all I really want from life is to be healthy (bodily) and pain-free (or at least pain-free for LOOOOOONG, long stretches), and that is enough for me to be happy. I don’t need anything else/anything else is just cake icing.

But today’s trip, we went to American Dream (the mall) near Newark, it was so cool. The enormity of it – I described it to R as “insane” and “crazy,” and I try not to use those words to describe really anything, but I didn’t know how else to say it. The highlight for me was near the end before we left, we used the restroom (there were also “family restrooms” where I guess we all could’ve gone in? but we didn’t use any of them today), and coming out, I passed a NURSING ROOM. When I walked by and noticed it, I asked baby if he wanted to nene and he said yes, and we all (me, baby, and R) went in (it was empty, which I was surprised seeing how crowded the mall was) and it was beautiful. About six different stalls, which were all divided by beautiful velvet curtains, and ornate floral strips of wallpaper, pretty low lights, and in each stall, a freaking comfy, cushiony nursing chair with a freaking FOOTSTOOL FOR MY FEET and little table on the side. I liked all the different chair colors (the footstools matched the chair colors), they were like dark teal, or magenta, a hip yellow, etc). And the little table was made of blue and white porcelain, like the good china kind. Comfort and privacy and convenience and just space to serve this special but also demanding time in my life. I sat down and put my feet up, and drew baby close to me, and we were both in heaven. I felt seen and validated just sitting there in that space built specifically for this, for us.

2/26/23

Realized today what having a child is. It’s a daily, hourly (and ultimately lifetime) test of, and simultaneous answer to, the question, “how much can I give?”

2/11/23

when baby is gone during the day and I’m going from room to room cleaning up the mess from the day before, it’s usually late afternoon- almost time for him to come home again. Which makes it seem like… every day, all I have time for is to clean up right before he comes back… to make a mess again. I can see how, caught in this cycle, a person could become desperate for…just any break from it.

tonight baby was sticking his hands in my food, so i asked if he wanted to eat, he said yes, and i said “ok mommy get you food,” and in the rush of going back-and-forth with his highchair and food and feeding baby, at one point when I brought him some cheese cubes, R was like, “I want some cheese too!” and my auto-response was, “OK mommy get it for you” and I realized my mistake right after, but didn’t have the energy to correct it.

2/12/23

realized I’m kind of glad I did so much stuff before I had a baby, like had boyfriends and my one night stands and clubbing, etc. I feel like I wouldn’t wanna do any of that now, and I also read that toddlers thrive on stability and routine, which I want to give him. like I’m glad I’m not wondering about any of that stuff now, because I already went through it. because like, even if I wanted to, I couldn’t really, with all the time and energy it takes to raise a baby.

he’s growing more amazing though. He starting to speak basic sentences, like “daddy sleeping upstairs,” or “mommy open door.” I think I’ve never laughed so hard at any stage yet than now. he talks all the time, and is so funny. Sometimes he makes me laugh so hard that it actually wakes me up a little when I’m tired.

2/14/23

today while he nursed from 5:30 am to 7:04 am, i was desperate for sleep. towards the end, started hearing myself think over and over: “this is too much- let go.” pictured slapping/pushing/punching him to get him off me; realized that would make it worse. remembered hearing some mothers pinch their noses so they can’t breathe and let go; seemed too cruel for me, didn’t do it. just started sobbing hard (quietly) over him when i didn’t know what else to do- twice those sobs involuntarily turned into big yawns – this never happened while i was crying before, but i guess just visually sums up how i feel (frustrated + exhausted). when i’d counted much more than 8 consecutive seconds without sucking, i thought he’d finally fallen asleep and tried to pull out – when i did this, it roused him and he continued sucking for 5-10 more minutes. he finally let go on his own, only when he was done – when he decided. i’d come downstairs in the dark, and by the end of nursing, it had been light outside for awhile. he only took a break around 7, then woke up and continued nursing from 7:30 to 9 am.

2/15/23

I realized sleep is a privilege- not everyone gets it, whether due to babies or mental unrest or injury, etc…. it’s really a precious thing, a treasure of life that you should feel lucky to have, if you have good rest.

2/16/23

Got desperate enough to try squeezing his nose when he bites to see if he’ll let go. I can stand a little biting – I let that go. But he does this thing sometimes where he’s actually like chomping (always at the end, when he’s near falling asleep, so I can’t verbally correct him/he doesn’t hear me) – the chomping i realized is too much for me – my pain boundary- so this is when I tried the nose pinching. So far it doesn’t work- it just wakes him up crying, and i have to put him back on for more nursing. But something dark I realized about why I was so hesitant to try nose pinching: a part of me was scared I think, to get carried away with it and kill him.

Like… you’re only supposed to pinch for a second (which in the moment, amid the acute pain of nipple being chomped, I forgot and did several seconds, because he didn’t let go in the first second – which every cell of my body wanted to happen). But I was scared that…maybe the stress of parenting and breastfeeding combined with the mental distortion from lack of sleep (not to mention acute pain of nipple being chomped) would, while pinching his nose, make me pinch for way too long or even bring his whole face into my chest to smother him- like it might be too easy, once I started with that little thing, to get carried away.

I feel like I would never in reality do it…but also feel like this fear is a real signal from somewhere that’s trying to say that maybe I’m not yet stable enough in body or mind to be manipulating my baby’s breath like that. Like I maybe shouldn’t go near that kind of tactic or mess with it at all, as long as I’m not feeling 100%, which I’m not. If I had to rate my current percent…I would say I’m only at 60-70 percent. I feel fleeting bouts of 70+ percent, usually right after I wake up from getting to nap alone undisturbed in the morning after dad takes the baby. But just two months ago when I went to the ER, my percent was obviously much lower. I’ve been trying harder since that wake-up call (prioritizing sleep, supplements, daily walks), which has def helped. There was kind of nowhere to go but up from there.

2/5/23

He does this a lot in the early morning: nurses for so long that even though
i’m tired and want to fall asleep, i can’t because i’ve gotten so uncomfortable
in that position (it wasn’t when i first got in it-  it’s lying down – but
it’s just holding it for that long makes it uncomfortable – and i can’t change
positions or he’ll wake up and that will set me back more time). He lets go
when he falls asleep, and only then can I turn onto my back, snuggle down, and
finally be comfortable enough to fall asleep. Today he nursed from about 6:10
am to 8:48 am. Almost three hours. i started to actually get sad and pissed
during the last hour/half hour, but there’s nothing i can do…he was almost
asleep, he’s comforted, he wants it, and he screams like hell if he can’t have
it. And only I can give it (he won’t drink formula, or even pumped milk
anymore).

2/6/23

Woke up on Friday with my back only slightly aching, then later in the day
taking a bath (which I thought would help), I sat down wrong or twisted it
wrong, and then it really hurt.. it was so painful to stand up and sit down and
even to walk after that. But the thing that happened that i want to record is
that we were just eating dinner in the living room and R was on his phone, and
I got up to bring my bowl to the kitchen, and he happened to look up I guess as
I was walking away, and I know I was walking really weird, but it was the
least-painful walking posture I could tolerate- I was walking kind of leaning
back and jutting my hips out and shuffling my feet in just a very awkward
position- maybe it looked like I was doing the limbo idk- but as I was rounding
the corner to the kitchen, I heard R laugh hard, and I said, “what?”
When I came back, I continued, “were you laughing at me?” and he did his
shy face kind of, and looked away, but answered, “you don’t have to walk
like that, you can ask me to help you.” I was mad my back was hurting
though- I don’t want to ask for help, I want to do everything myself.  But
I just realized today, remembering this a few days later, again, how much I
love him. His spirit is really gentle. I realized that to the question,
“were you laughing at me?” He would never, under normal conditions,
ever reply with something harsh, or too direct, or critical. He’s just a very
gentle person, spirit-wise, inter-relations wise, which I love. Which is why I
married him. (update: one week later, only residual pain, but have been able to
do normal tasks for a few days now, just a little more slowly)

2/7/23

I felt a little guilty when I realized this, but this morning I realized
that: during the weekdays (and some weekends when R works), after my dad drives
off with the baby and I can go back to my bed alone to rest undisturbed, i lie
down and I breathe an audible sigh of relief. not being too hard on myself
though, because it IS, most every day, after a night of nursing late like till
midnight, then getting up around five or six when R leaves for work, to go sleep
with the baby who nurses from sometimes 6 to 8 or even 9- I can’t sleep while
he’s nursing- i either doze in and out or just stay awake, so by the time my
dad comes to get him, I’m exhausted. I’m excited for the days ahead when
everyone in our family can have normal sleep- as much sleep in one sitting as
they need to feel satisfied (right now I’m not getting that and i don’t think R is either)- and wake up and
just enjoy each other and not need all this extra help. If I could just have
those few extra hours in the morning from 6 to 8 to sleep – that’s all i want from life right
now- I know I would start to feel normal again.

Had a dream this morning during a nap between when
dad took the baby and waking up for work, that work gave me this impossible family to call – when I
called, their voicemail greeting was so long that there was no room to leave my
own message, and on top of that, baby was here and clinging, screaming and
crying as I was trying to work, and then I heard some lawnmower sounds outside and
was relieved to see R with his dad and maybe some others here (his dad’s been
staying with us irl the past few weeks), in my dream I guess he came back early
from work and was working outside in the backyard but didn’t tell me, and I got
him to come in and help, and this other girl who was maybe my family was
helping me get dressed, and I was telling her how stressed I was, then I woke
up I think/I don’t remember any more.

Tonight, before I took a shower, and in a rush before they brought baby
home, and just impulse I guess, I chopped off like 5 inches of my hair right
into the trash. Just divided it left side/right side, twisted each side into a
tight swirl, and chomped the kitchen scissors through. So before it was past my
shoulders, now it’s more like chin-length. I think partly it was because I’ve
been grossed out lately picking my long hairs off the floor when I see them,
partly in an attempt to feel lighter bc my back’s been hurting, and also to ease my load
mentally, too. I did feel better after I cut it, and R said “wow, I don’t
think I’ve ever seen your hair like this” in a good way, when he came
home, which made me smile, and calmed my heart (he has this effect on me a lot). And I thought mom, a hairstylist by trade, would freak when she saw it, but she first asked, “who cut your hair?” And when I said me, she said, “not bad for an amateur.” Lol

2/8/23

had another dream this morning between going back to sleep around 9 am and
waking up at 11 am. there was a lot to it, and I don’t remember everything now.
But I remember that I lived in an apartment and it seemed by myself, but still
had to take care of baby and my parents still helped, and they helped a lot,
but on this particular day just left me with the baby for some reason while
they went out to run an errand that it seemed they didn’t really need to run,
and I was still working- it was a weekday- and it was hard for me to juggle
everything. when they came back there was a lot of chaos, I was maybe crying?
And then there was a different scene where maybe my brother or cousin,
criticized some food I gave the baby and I exploded trying to let them know
that they don’t know what it’s like to have interrupted sleep night after night
for so many nights, I even remember following my brother or maybe it was a
woman, maybe a waitress, around, and saying to her, “night after night
after night after night,” as we passed some people that I know must’ve
thought I looked crazy. but in the dream, as in reality, I felt exhausted, and
I actually woke up crying. Last night irl, baby fell asleep around 10-11, but
then at three in the morning, woke up and was screaming for me. R humored him
for like an hour but then called for me to come down, so he could get some
sleep.

2/9/23

Since period has come back a month ago, have been trying to resume taking basal body temp in
the morning, but unsuccessful so far. This is because I don’t really have one minute to lay and wait for the thermometer to read, because when R comes
upstairs to get me, the baby is left downstairs by himself in the big bed, and
either he’s awake and crying for me, or i just want to get up, go down and go
back to sleep because it’s too early. Or both at once. I should try harder to
take my temp though…at least when baby’s not crying, so I can get an idea of
where I am cycle-wise. I love Baby with all my heart and would trade my life
for him, but, I don’t want to go through pregnancy again or even an abortion –
I feel like I don’t have any extra energy for either. I feel like either of these things happening would really upset me.

2/10/23

before i had a baby, i never asked myself these questions so consistently:
how many places CAN i be at once? / how many things CAN i do one-handed? / how
many bags and things CAN i carry at once? / how much longer can i hold my body
in this position? (when he breastfeeds for hours) etc.

So desperate for sleep in the morning that if i can sleep 15 minutes more
before i have to get up for work, will set alarm for it. When awake, trying
whatever it takes to shave minutes, seconds off my daily tasks. Always trying
to regain my hold of time, or the sense that i have any hold on it.

1/29/23

today folding the laundry, my clothes mixed in with baby’s as usual in the wrinkled messy pile. But something not as usual- i think for the first time maybe- i’ve messed up several times already (still doing it) in that I accidentally placed baby’s folded long sleeve onto my folded long sleeve pile, and almost put his sock into my sock pile. I’m usually good at keeping our stuff neat and separate…I mean I started out that way, at least.