2/5/23
He does this a lot in the early morning: nurses for so long that even though
i’m tired and want to fall asleep, i can’t because i’ve gotten so uncomfortable
in that position (it wasn’t when i first got in it- it’s lying down – but
it’s just holding it for that long makes it uncomfortable – and i can’t change
positions or he’ll wake up and that will set me back more time). He lets go
when he falls asleep, and only then can I turn onto my back, snuggle down, and
finally be comfortable enough to fall asleep. Today he nursed from about 6:10
am to 8:48 am. Almost three hours. i started to actually get sad and pissed
during the last hour/half hour, but there’s nothing i can do…he was almost
asleep, he’s comforted, he wants it, and he screams like hell if he can’t have
it. And only I can give it (he won’t drink formula, or even pumped milk
anymore).
2/6/23
Woke up on Friday with my back only slightly aching, then later in the day
taking a bath (which I thought would help), I sat down wrong or twisted it
wrong, and then it really hurt.. it was so painful to stand up and sit down and
even to walk after that. But the thing that happened that i want to record is
that we were just eating dinner in the living room and R was on his phone, and
I got up to bring my bowl to the kitchen, and he happened to look up I guess as
I was walking away, and I know I was walking really weird, but it was the
least-painful walking posture I could tolerate- I was walking kind of leaning
back and jutting my hips out and shuffling my feet in just a very awkward
position- maybe it looked like I was doing the limbo idk- but as I was rounding
the corner to the kitchen, I heard R laugh hard, and I said, “what?”
When I came back, I continued, “were you laughing at me?” and he did his
shy face kind of, and looked away, but answered, “you don’t have to walk
like that, you can ask me to help you.” I was mad my back was hurting
though- I don’t want to ask for help, I want to do everything myself. But
I just realized today, remembering this a few days later, again, how much I
love him. His spirit is really gentle. I realized that to the question,
“were you laughing at me?” He would never, under normal conditions,
ever reply with something harsh, or too direct, or critical. He’s just a very
gentle person, spirit-wise, inter-relations wise, which I love. Which is why I
married him. (update: one week later, only residual pain, but have been able to
do normal tasks for a few days now, just a little more slowly)
2/7/23
I felt a little guilty when I realized this, but this morning I realized
that: during the weekdays (and some weekends when R works), after my dad drives
off with the baby and I can go back to my bed alone to rest undisturbed, i lie
down and I breathe an audible sigh of relief. not being too hard on myself
though, because it IS, most every day, after a night of nursing late like till
midnight, then getting up around five or six when R leaves for work, to go sleep
with the baby who nurses from sometimes 6 to 8 or even 9- I can’t sleep while
he’s nursing- i either doze in and out or just stay awake, so by the time my
dad comes to get him, I’m exhausted. I’m excited for the days ahead when
everyone in our family can have normal sleep- as much sleep in one sitting as
they need to feel satisfied (right now I’m not getting that and i don’t think R is either)- and wake up and
just enjoy each other and not need all this extra help. If I could just have
those few extra hours in the morning from 6 to 8 to sleep – that’s all i want from life right
now- I know I would start to feel normal again.
Had a dream this morning during a nap between when
dad took the baby and waking up for work, that work gave me this impossible family to call – when I
called, their voicemail greeting was so long that there was no room to leave my
own message, and on top of that, baby was here and clinging, screaming and
crying as I was trying to work, and then I heard some lawnmower sounds outside and
was relieved to see R with his dad and maybe some others here (his dad’s been
staying with us irl the past few weeks), in my dream I guess he came back early
from work and was working outside in the backyard but didn’t tell me, and I got
him to come in and help, and this other girl who was maybe my family was
helping me get dressed, and I was telling her how stressed I was, then I woke
up I think/I don’t remember any more.
Tonight, before I took a shower, and in a rush before they brought baby
home, and just impulse I guess, I chopped off like 5 inches of my hair right
into the trash. Just divided it left side/right side, twisted each side into a
tight swirl, and chomped the kitchen scissors through. So before it was past my
shoulders, now it’s more like chin-length. I think partly it was because I’ve
been grossed out lately picking my long hairs off the floor when I see them,
partly in an attempt to feel lighter bc my back’s been hurting, and also to ease my load
mentally, too. I did feel better after I cut it, and R said “wow, I don’t
think I’ve ever seen your hair like this” in a good way, when he came
home, which made me smile, and calmed my heart (he has this effect on me a lot). And I thought mom, a hairstylist by trade, would freak when she saw it, but she first asked, “who cut your hair?” And when I said me, she said, “not bad for an amateur.” Lol
2/8/23
had another dream this morning between going back to sleep around 9 am and
waking up at 11 am. there was a lot to it, and I don’t remember everything now.
But I remember that I lived in an apartment and it seemed by myself, but still
had to take care of baby and my parents still helped, and they helped a lot,
but on this particular day just left me with the baby for some reason while
they went out to run an errand that it seemed they didn’t really need to run,
and I was still working- it was a weekday- and it was hard for me to juggle
everything. when they came back there was a lot of chaos, I was maybe crying?
And then there was a different scene where maybe my brother or cousin,
criticized some food I gave the baby and I exploded trying to let them know
that they don’t know what it’s like to have interrupted sleep night after night
for so many nights, I even remember following my brother or maybe it was a
woman, maybe a waitress, around, and saying to her, “night after night
after night after night,” as we passed some people that I know must’ve
thought I looked crazy. but in the dream, as in reality, I felt exhausted, and
I actually woke up crying. Last night irl, baby fell asleep around 10-11, but
then at three in the morning, woke up and was screaming for me. R humored him
for like an hour but then called for me to come down, so he could get some
sleep.
2/9/23
Since period has come back a month ago, have been trying to resume taking basal body temp in
the morning, but unsuccessful so far. This is because I don’t really have one minute to lay and wait for the thermometer to read, because when R comes
upstairs to get me, the baby is left downstairs by himself in the big bed, and
either he’s awake and crying for me, or i just want to get up, go down and go
back to sleep because it’s too early. Or both at once. I should try harder to
take my temp though…at least when baby’s not crying, so I can get an idea of
where I am cycle-wise. I love Baby with all my heart and would trade my life
for him, but, I don’t want to go through pregnancy again or even an abortion –
I feel like I don’t have any extra energy for either. I feel like either of these things happening would really upset me.
2/10/23
before i had a baby, i never asked myself these questions so consistently:
how many places CAN i be at once? / how many things CAN i do one-handed? / how
many bags and things CAN i carry at once? / how much longer can i hold my body
in this position? (when he breastfeeds for hours) etc.
So desperate for sleep in the morning that if i can sleep 15 minutes more
before i have to get up for work, will set alarm for it. When awake, trying
whatever it takes to shave minutes, seconds off my daily tasks. Always trying
to regain my hold of time, or the sense that i have any hold on it.
Marriage Journal 