6/9/23

“say yes to only the things you want to say yes to, and no to the things that you want to say no to.”

-Maria Chowdhury in her Postpartum Healing soundcloud post

6/13/23

after picking up baby from nanny today (we started bringing him there tues and thursdays, since last week, and Mon Wed Fri my parents watch him) and playing with him at home and looking at his nails, realized why they “didn’t grow” last week- she’s cutting them! Amazing- i thought i’d be the one doing it for the next like 8 more years, hunched over in the dark with that flashlight-clipper after he’s fallen asleep late at night…it’s a nice break. Though I noticed she cuts them really short- seeing pink- and on one of his toes, it was cut too close- could see the slight redness where it scabbed over. so far, MY track record of cutting his nails is zero blood draws (just once i did, when first starting out, when he was a newborn). the way she clips them, maybe he’d last 2 weeks before another clipping is needed. The way i do, he needs it weekly, but at least i greatly reduce the risk of hurting him. Which is like always my plan.

6/14/23

every time you’re scared = just another opportunity to show courage.

6/15/23

some nights this week, skin pain on my foot was so bad that while nursing, i almost wanted baby to bite me (instead of dreading it like usual), bc that acute pain would at least momentarily distract and make me forget my other constant, dull but agonizing pain.

finding dinosaur stickers everywhere now. Stuck to the bottom of my socks, falling out of the washed laundry.

recently, obsessed with rosemary- I love the smell and kind of always have. Using the essential oil and also the hydrosol on skin. convinced it will help heal me.

6/17/23

thinking how when I went to the hospital in December, if not for that access to modern medicine, that I probably would have died. So feeling like this is kind of the beginning of my second life, with Baby. He killed me, but through i guess just luck of being born in the place I was (1st world country) and the time i was (after antiviral meds were created) and support from my family and a whole bunch of medical staff that i don’t personally know (but am so grateful to, for my life), I’m a new person.

6/4/23

what if all that is really holding up the world is the prayer of mothers? (how I was so lost and promiscuous that summer after high school but never got an STD and mom said she would always pray for me during that time. and how I pray for Hunter now. and how many others are so protected. How no one can know the count.)

The biggest lie you can believe is that you’re alone.

6/5/23

a Nice, beautiful thing that happened: Saturday afternoon, took a bath. Foot still bad, and a little while after I got out of the bath, got the familiar itchy feeling but had spent so many hours away from R and Baby already, that I decided I would get dressed and just go out to the living room and hug R at least one last time before I itched it (the whole process can take a long time, like a half an hour or so, until my skin calms down afterwards and I feel comfortable enough to be around people again). So I went out with my foot really uncomfortable and put my arms around my husband and leaned into him and just enjoyed it for a minute, then I told him that my foot was itchy so I might have to go soon to itch it. he responded, “let me help you,” and avoiding the top of my foot where it’s bad, he itched the bottom of my foot, which my feet soles totally fine. And I just gave a weak smile at his attempt to comfort me while he did it. but something funny happened in that, as he was doing this, and we were looking into each other’s face, R genuinely being as comforting as he could and me open to it even though I didn’t think it would help- the itch went away. I didn’t think it was possible: I’d had the same feeling before, on my own, and in my experience there was no next move- nothing i could do in life when I had this feeling- until I itched it and then could move on, and I thought this was one of those times. But as he itched the bottom of my foot for me, I just got calmer and calmer, and it went away, and I miraculously ended up not touching my foot at all- not feeling the need to- all weekend, up until Monday morning (two days later) after I got out of bed and there was no one in the house. But after it happened, the same day, I told R I couldn’t believe that it happened, and he said, without any hint of joking or doubt, “it’s because I’m transferring my energy to you.” Then: “You should let me help you more- I want to help you.” he had been asking before this if he could spray the Briotech spray that I just started trying on my foot, but I had declined, saying that it only took a second, and doing it myself. needless to say, we had a really nice weekend together after this.  it was a milestone- something we accomplished together, that I would never think could happen, in all my 40 years experience with eczema. Could it be true- does love really conquer all?

feel even closer to the solution today. went back in journal to Dec 2020/Jan 2021 when I was first pregnant with Hunter, and read that skin, after being bad a long time, started reversing as well—just like recently when I was pregnant. I know it can’t be a coincidence. Now just trying to find something to work into my life that mimics this condition.

how does your body feel when it believes in a good idea completely, with its entire being? have you ever felt it? I think this is important to know: what it feels like to have faith, and not lose it.

6/6/23

For skin, started taking liver lover by Bioray (drops, 2x a day), 3 evening primrose oil capsules at meals, and red clover extract (drops) by Nature’s Answer 3x a day between meals. On top of still taking Armra, fulvic humic water, and basic vitamins (prenatal, vit D, vit A, and probiotic)

6/7/23

Stopped taking the Liver Lover today – was reading more on red clover and it’s supposed to also be like lymphatic cleansing (the reason ppl don’t recommend taking it while pregnant/breastfeeding is bc those are not the times to have toxins circulating in your body) and Liver Lover is also toxin-cleansing, so I didn’t want to be taking more toxin-cleansing things than I had to (was taking both things for skin) so I stopped it and will continue with just the red clover, the bare minimum. I don’t even want to do red clover bc of any risk to Baby (still breastfeeding), but my foot’s so bad- hurting consistently throughout day- that I need to do something. and not steroids.  Anyway, if there happens to be a time when I’m not BF and need to try something for skin again, I can start it again def then.

Also stopped taking Armra- I’m guessing it wasn’t helping, and paired with how expensive it is ($109 each bottle, but I had a discount on my first one at $81) plus the fact that my body def has a sensitivity to cow’s milk, figured it’s not worth it. Just gonna use it like milk powder on desserts and stuff until it’s finished.

the sun’s a weird color this afternoon from the smoke. Like sunrise/sunset pink. Strange, sad…

6/8/23

Was surprised tonight because when I went to cut Baby’s nails they were still so short, as if I had just cut them, but I don’t think I’ve cut them since last week (since he was a baby I’ve clipped them every week, because that’s how fast they grow, until this week). I wonder what made them stop growing this week. Maybe he’s at a growth plateau now?

6/9/23

this morning wondering if this unprecedented feeling I’ve gotten in my lungs recently has anything to do with the Canadian wildfires. Just googled when they started, and it says the beginning of May. that coincides in my journal with when I started feeling this constricted lung feeling that still hasn’t gone away. Didn’t know these fires were happening (and how big the scope of it) until just like this past week.

Just ordered an austin air purifier yesterday- super pricey but…i feel like we need it- maybe baby and i most of all.

I feel like I’m not thinking the same thing as most people. While on my phone today, I rested my chin in my palm and it made me think, “it’s a miracle I can even rest in this position – that I can touch my own chin. that soft skin now covers where a nightmare once was.” (Skin there is almost back to normal now)

5/28/23

can open my mouth to yawn now- don’t have to hold it closed like before when I was healing. Can open my mouth to eat the way I want now, can smile and laugh again with Baby without it hurting. Relieved.

not sure what is up with period. This morning saw some spotting, so I thought I got it, and that this was Day 1 of my new cycle. but as the day went on, nothing really more came at all, which is unusual for me. Also zero cramping- unusual. But maybe not so unusual for me at this time since it’s the first natural period after the abortion, I guess I should expect some irregularities, that it’s not going to just hop right back on track?

5/29/23

period red and flowing today.

at least once a day i think: “i can’t do this anymore.” today it was when he was chomping on my nipple while falling asleep nursing.

5/30/23

scabs gone now, since late weekend. if you look close irl, red spots and scaly patches in their place that feel gross to the touch, but am grateful it looks much better, and should be fine for zoom mtgs now. 

period more like normal now, red and flowing and cramps today. Though unusually red- so bright red that it looks almost magenta. 

Right foot is doing horrendous, I was tempted/thought of using topical steroid, even though I had sworn in my mind that I would never touch them again, but that’s how bad it is. I just wanted mental and physical relief, which is why I thought of the steroids. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. started using this “Briotech” spray yesterday.

 5/31/23 

sometimes it’s so peaceful. not the early mornings (i’m tired) or late nights (i’m tired). But late afternoons/early evenings when he just wakes up from a nap (so i know he’s not going to bite me which he only does while falling asleep) and we’re in a dusky half-light, and i can hear R in the next room, and we’re lying here in the bed reconnecting, everything soft and quiet- these are the times i’d love to revisit and remember when it’s over.

Felt a tangible feeling yesterday evening that’s hard to describe, but I feel I must. I just itched my foot and was feeling absolutely terrible, skin pain and also kind of head pain and heart pain from the trauma of it looking so bad and feeling bad. And after I cleaned up and calmed down and laid down in the bed, texting R that I was going to just lay down, and he said OK good night, and I lay down for 10 minutes or so, a feeling of just utter peace and calm came over me, and it stayed with me throughout the entire night. I went from feeling so bad to so good. I don’t know why, but I was really grateful for it, and want to hold onto the feeling somehow, if I can. I feel like someone sent me the feeling. Like a gift from another realm.because it came out of nowhere.

6/1/23

i think i’m not angry anymore that no one told me how hard being a mother was going to be. Just now realizing in the midst of it- that these are probably going to be the hardest few years of my life. And i think if i knew it was going to be this bad, this torturous, i wouldn’t have done it- and i would’ve missed out on him- this wonder child- by doing so. maybe not being ready was the only way to him. like when they’re about to stick you with the needle and he says, “on three” and sticks you at two. Like, what could i have done anyway? How could I have prepared? I would have just worried, or totally ran away and never have met him- my baby.

6/2/23

(dream)

left mom and went to use the bathroom in big mall with Baby, on the way for some reason picked up a stray Walgreens plastic bag I thought I was gonna need to change the trashcan lining or something (why i would change the trash not in my own house, idk)? But upon entering the bathroom, saw they were all changed and didn’t need it, Hunter went to his own stall, I looked for my own, a more private one out of the way- it was crowded in there – but then realized those were out of order, and that in my time walking around trying to choose, that Hunter had probably finished already, and hurried back without peeing, and also just dropped the Walgreens bag where I was, because of no time, had to meet my baby, even though I had intended to return it to its original place (it had some items in it that looked like just bought-I think someone had lost their bag) when I got back to where he was, I saw him just getting out of the stall and going to wash his hands, such a big boy, but then he turned the corner walking away from me, so I followed after him, and when I turned the corner, I was sure he would be right there, because I was right behind him, but I didn’t see him. I still was not alarmed or anything, because I knew he was somewhere right there, I heard him saying Nene. There were a lot of kid boys where I was looking, mostly their fathers were holding them in their arms, maybe one or two walking on the ground, but each one I looked at, I thought for a second would be Hunter, but when I looked at his face, I realized it was not him, and started to get freaked, was turning to my right and left because I heard him, but could not see him. then finally, I asked out loudly, “who wants to nene? Come out if you want to nene!” because I knew it was a question only he could answer, and I listened hard for the answer, and kneeling down, still looking, i heard him better- he was hiding inside some kind of abandoned clothes rack like inset into the wall. I reached inside and brought him out, and carried him with me. so I had promised him Nene so was walking around with him, trying to find a good spot, an out-of-the-way dark spot to breast-feed, and just picked an area right outside the bathrooms. Near a kind of bar, there were some people there, but it was the best I could find without having to walk a mile, and without much embarrassment, I guess because I was surrounded by the company of people that drink who are pretty easy-going, I undid my shirt just enough to let my nipple out, and put him on it quickly, and held him close, and sat down in the chair in a dark corner. it was pretty nice breastfeeding him, because whenever too many people, or people came too close to me, I could push the chair I was in, I guess it was a rolley-chair. I could push my feet back, and it would move to wherever I wanted, so I was sort of gliding around with him breast-feeding. then I was walking, carrying him, eventually he fell asleep and let go, so I covered myself up again, and was walking around. I ran into dad while I was sitting down breast-feeding, so I guess he went to go tell mom i was done in the bathroom and where i was. while killing time waiting for them to come back to where I was, walked around holding sleeping Hunter around this crazy big new mall I’ve never been, I was just looking around and about two times, I dropped him. I just forgot I was holding him, and then would realize there was nothing in my arms, and then look behind me, and find him on the floor, and I would not feel him leaving my arms or hear him hitting the floor or anything but I felt relieved each time I found him, that no one had picked him up and taken him, and also felt stupid like, “why do I keep forgetting about him and dropping him?” we passed this hippo kid ride, the kind you put quarters in, but at the same time I showed him, and he wanted to go in, three little girls showed up, wanting to go on the ride too (there are many other empty rides around though), but I was already putting him in and told them just one second because I didn’t have any money anyway. let him ride for a second and then pulled him out, and walked away checking my pockets, I really had left my wallet- I think with mom. was hurrying back with him to the spot I thought they would think I would be, where dad first saw me. was worrying some that we had missed each other.

*

just realized something that feels significant. Even when I was trying to relax, when I thought I could die that other week having the eczema herpeticum outbreak, when I watched my Netflix shows- one of my indulgences- I would only do it when I was eating a meal or snack. in my mind, I realize now, my justification was that I am getting something essential (have to eat) done at the same time, at least. like: I can’t completely relax, I realized, and just focus on that one thing- relaxation. Like I had to be still accomplishing something, even in my relaxation. So today I just set up a little couch in front of the TV and lay down and watched it (The Empress-I’m actually in love with the bad guy- the emperor’s brother- he has such a presence unlike anyone else on screen) and did nothing else but have a drink beside me while laying there, and it was pretty wonderful. I felt refreshed- I think more refreshed than when I simultaneously watch and eat- when the episode was over and I turned off the TV. I didn’t realize how deep this thinking went in my mind, that I always need to be productive at every minute or else I’m wasting time. Now that I’ve pinpointed the feeling more, I do feel it pretty much all the time. I feel like i’ve just started on this path of learning how to relax, like I never really explored it. I’m not sure how to do it even, as ridiculous as that sounds. Almost like pleasure is a… bad thing, to be balanced out by a “good” thing. I don’t know where I got this value, but realize that it pervades and dominates my decision-making. I view pleasure with like suspicion. As if, if I allow myself too much of it, something bad might happen.

5/21/23

The part that you walk alone is holy. When the road opens up to companions, it’s a blessing. so my life has gone, alternately: holy to blessing, and back again, back and forth.

rodrigo just left with the baby and asked if I wanted to go to the park. I was so stressed at the moment I did not answer, and I think he was so stressed that he did not give time for my answer and just picked up baby and shut the door, but in my head, I replied, “why would I want to go spend more time with someone whose shit (just cleaned his big messy poo) and pee (peed on me while I was cleaning him) and yogurt he just spilled is all over me?” My right tit was also throbbing-hurting from being bit during our recent nursing session. But after I cleaned myself up and finished all the chores I needed to do in the house, I missed him, and was out the door to go see them. I love running next door to the park and searching all the stranger-faces until I find them, and hurrying to their side, and watching baby play. I feel peaceful and where I should be when we’re all together (and nothing too stressful is happening). 

still have the weird congested feeling in my lungs, but it’s not painful or keeping me from being able to do anything.  will get it checked out if it doesn’t go away.

5/22/23

was thinking how privileged it is that i live somewhere that after amazon delivers my packages, i don’t feel too much anxiety about having to collect it off the porch right away, like not high crime around here. like one less thing for me to worry about (but something that another woman somewhere does worry about.)

not much appetite past few days, maybe due to sickness, but also due to not being able to open mouth wide to chew and eat- it breaks open the sores that are crusting over, and after I eat, they are freshly oozing and so uncomfortable. I miss eating whenever i want- currently only eating when absolutely necessary (when very hungry). Some small spots look like they’re drying and healing, but I’m not sure if the earliest ones, right under my bottom lip, are going to, because they look so, so bad. 

Taking me two or three times as long to finish a small meal now, and I was a slow eater before. Cut my food in tiny pieces, open my mouth the little it opens, stick my tongue out, carefully angle the food in, chew slowly and swallow, over and over. it’s almost like a meditation.

Realizing how much of a privilege it is to be able to open mouth to receive food and savor it, and smell it and taste, and chew and swallow without discomfort. What a beautiful gift, eating. What a pleasure.

5/23/23

The lesson, I guess: as soon as you dream of the snake, start taking the antiviral pills.

healing is going so slow.  the first incident, when I went to the hospital, I was pretty much healed when I went home after four days. This time around, I’ve only just started feeling healed late in the day today- a full week since I started the antiviral pills (at this rate, I think it will be about another week until I feel much better). I attribute it to the hospital intravenous meds working a lot faster in the body probably, than just pills alone. But at least this time I stayed out of the hospital, and Baby (and R and parents) both times so far, did not catch it from me, from what I can see. Both blessings. Two fucking by-the-grace-of-God blessings, and I couldn’t ask for more. 

5/24/23

appetite coming back, last two days or so. starting to feel better. all the spots drying up more every day.

5/25/23

sores are drying out even more, and some even started to fall off. Heard the same question in the back of my mind a few times today: are you ready to have your life back soon? The answer: mostly I am elated, and so looking forward to not wearing face masks to hide all the time, to sitting close to R again and not feeling embarrassed, being able to show my face, and just feel normal again, and be not so pitiful-looking. There’s another side to it though:

a few times, surprisingly, during the sickness, I felt glad to have it. They were: when I was biking alone to CVS to pick up my antiviral prescription, I was wearing a mask, but the thought occurred to me several times during the ride, that if any man tried to stop and rape me, or anyone tried to do me harm on my way there or back, all I would have to do was take off my mask and tell them how painful and contagious my condition was, and I’m certain that that info paired with the horrific looks of my face would’ve been enough to scare them away, to keep anyone from touching me. I felt more secure, protected. So i guess… in my normal state, I am insecure about my safety, and a little scared when I’m out on my own. i definitely felt like my sickness protected me in this way.

The other times I was “glad” to have the sickness was when I could use it as a completely valid excuse to stay home when R went to visit his relatives and took baby- it’s a bit uncomfortable for me because I don’t speak the same language (Brazilian Portuguese) as them and though they are the greatest most generous people, it’s mostly awkward for me sitting with them during gatherings because of not really talking/being able to communicate everything I want to, and I was glad to avoid that. The stress of it. It does stress me out a little I realized- surrounded by how far I have to go, how much I have to learn before I can communicate significantly with my extended family—it seems impossible- and I guess every time we all hang out, it’s like in my face—how much I haven’t done/haven’t learned. The ideal thing would be for me to learn the language and speak fluently with them and be all jolly and happy, and that’s what I want, but I have not put the work in/have not found a way to work it into my daily life so that I learn it (R and I always speak English to each other, it’s just easier). I also was glad when R took the baby to go see them because it gave me time to myself. Maybe when I’m well, I shouldn’t let myself feel too much pressure about going with R every single time he sees them- that I can skip it sometimes and shouldn’t feel guilty. maybe also lock down- into a routine- a very accessible, non-intimidating way to learn a little bit more Portuguese every day.

I was also glad to have an excuse to not have sex. I always am wanting physical affection and closeness and cuddles from my husband, but as I mentioned in earlier posts, ever since the baby was born, I have not slept right at all, and have not been feeling nearly well enough or with enough energy to initiate sex- R has been the one initiating all the time, since baby. When I was sick  these past few weeks, I was glad to have a very obvious excuse not to – an excuse i’m sure he could understand and so wouldn’t have any chance of hurting his feelings, the way the excuse “I’m just too tired” might, no matter how true it is (it’s 100% true- I feel certain that if I could just get enough sleep, the 8 hours or so a night that I need, which I’m not getting now- I’m getting like half of that now- but if I could, I’m sure I could get into it again and initiate like I used to, I still love and desire him as much, or even more, than ever).

5/26/23

regarding the zoom meetings, the first week of my sickness, things were still raw, so I was able to hide it by dimming lights and making the light source come from mostly behind me, and pointed the camera down from the top too (I usually aim it right at face-level). But this Wednesday, there were many black-brown spots from the scabbing over, and there was no hiding it with camera tricks, so I just wore a mask covering my mouth. I was the only one wearing a mask in the whole meeting of like 30 people, but what else could I do. I’m pretty sure the person who it was the biggest deal to was myself, and no one said anything to me about it afterwards.

Now that it’s almost over, backtracking in my mind to try to pinpoint how and why I got the relapse. I don’t know. They say symptoms start to show within two weeks of exposure, but two weeks before i started feeling symptoms, I wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary like going to concerts or big gatherings. The only big thing that happened in that time frame was the abortion. So then I was reading into the effects of the abortion pill on your immune system, and found some studies that showed it can actually lower your immune function when you insert the misoprostol vaginally, like I did, instead of taking it buccally. I didn’t know this. At the time, it just made more sense to me that since the area being targeted was that whole abdomen/uterus area, to put it in the vagina rather than the mouth. If I had known it messed with your immunity that way, I would’ve put it in my cheeks. Wondering maybe if that was it- what caused my immune system to dip low enough for me to catch the EH from wherever I caught it. like maybe my immune function WAS good when I took my Viome sample, but then the abortion medication (vaginally) is what suddenly lowered it and created a window for things to make me sick. and if that was the case, after this all passes, hopefully, I can get my functioning levels back up again, and avoid anything that lowers it, as much as I can.

still taking the Armra colostrum powder and the fulvic humic water every day.

even though my skin is bad now (again) (usual places- neck and feet- though thankfully not hands), I feel like progress was made. Because… there were those few weeks recently where everything was healing- everywhere that was bad was reversing, getting better, becoming whole again. It was systematic, from my feet up to my face. So I know that it is possible. If I can just find the right balance of whatever- that healing is possible in my body. it got to a point where almost nothing was hurting anymore- I was so close. I saw it for a few weeks, even though it was fleeting. This gives me some kind of confidence. like, I had it. I had it. even though it squirmed out of my hands, I was holding it, for a time. my body is capable of it.

5/27/23

thought i had tonight, during late night breastfeeding: “i’m just stuck in this nightmare until it ends.” this “nightmare” all revolves around sleep: early evening around eight or nine, i get deep down in bones, all-over-body-ache tired, but have to stay up nursing him until he finally falls asleep for the night (usually around midnight). during these hours of  nursing him to sleep, i almost fall asleep myself, but can’t stay asleep because need to, after he falls asleep: go pee one last time, clear away any toys and anything hard/sharp that was tossed around us during the sleep struggle (sometimes while nursing he asks for certain toys and we have to go get it from the living room and bring it back to the bed for him), brush teeth if i didn’t yet, and get into my own bed. So nighttimes are torturous for me in that I desperately want to just go to sleep early and sleep the whole night, but those hours I’m nursing, I can’t- I’m struggling to get him to fall asleep, and I’m drifting in and out of sleep myself without being able to totally surrender to it. by the time I get ready for bed and get in my own bed, these acts jar me out of my almost-asleep state, and it takes me longer, maybe an hour or more, to eventually fall asleep again, which takes away more sleep time. Then around five or six am, either Rodrigo gets up for work, or the baby cries to nurse again, or both- either way, I have to get up and go back to baby’s bed, so it’s not that much sleep that I get. Then nursing him from six till about nine (about three hours he does it, on and off in the morning), it’s the same predicament: wanting desperately to surrender completely to sleep (because I haven’t had a full night’s), but even the lying-down nursing position is too uncomfortable for me to do so, so I am painfully drifting in and out of sleep during morning time as well, until he wakes up for the day around 9 am, and i text my dad who takes him, and i’m finally alone, that I can actually settle down into the position I want (usually on my back), and pile all the blankets on (baby is always hot, he hates blankets), and get the sleep I need. I feel so bad that it’s late in the morning- i used to love going to sleep early and waking up early- that’s my natural pattern- but this is the only time I can do it. And that’s the nightmare cycle – day after day. I know one day it will stop…but it just can’t come soon enough. We all (me, R, and parents) have been strongly hinting to him when he asks to nurse (“nene!”), we say things like “big boys don’t do that anymore,” or suggest different foods he might want to eat or drink (pizza? “no!” pasta? “no!” yogurt? “no!”, etc.), and R even playfully exclaims “no more nene!” but Baby still loves it and acts like he needs it- he won’t give it up yet. if we don’t give it to him, he ends up scream-crying.

5/28/23

When R takes the baby out somewhere without me (they went to his sister’s house again for a birthday bbq) and I’m left at home, I get this burst of energy and relief. I think: “Finally. I have time to do what I need to do.”

Something so unexpected: I was reading Crying in H Mart: A Memoir (so good, so so good) on my phone while baby was nursing this afternoon, in the living room. Feeling pretty normal, pretty fine. Then I got to this part where the author says, “That night, lying beside her, I remembered how when I was a child I would slip my cold feet between my mother’s thighs to warm them. How she’d shiver and whisper that she would always suffer to bring me comfort, that that was how you knew someone really loved you.” And before I could even look down at baby who was sucking away at the edge of sleep, i broke into these deep, rhythmic, heavy sobs (kept it quiet) that shook the whole cotton canvas play tent we were nursing in. just watched the whole tent around us shaking and shaking as I cried. To suffer for true love.

5/13/23

there are these large black crows that live around here- i’ve seen them in our backyard a lot lately. when they’re coming in for a landing, I’m usually near the windows that face the backyard and see them, and have gotten startled like three times already because of them, because they swoop by so low- like ground-level window low- and aren’t flapping, and pass by in a second, so that it looks like a person – the back of their shoulders – dressed in all black, trespassing, so close to me, moving fast. i’m still not sure if it’s the crows. but i’m pretty sure.

5/15/23

just found some poison hemlock (used plantnet ID app) growing in our garden in the backyard, like seven different places it’s sprouting up. have to get rid of it, dig it up when I have time.

had a dream the other morning, early in the morning, that started out benign, but turned scary. It was like two days ago, so I forget most of it now. all I remember is that I was in some sort of room, might have been a classroom, with my teacher/an older lady. Random things were being catapulted through the air, and one of the things was this black cobra snake. It was sailing through the air, and I thought it would go completely past us like the other stuff, and not near us at all, but as I kept watching it, it seemed to change direction, and it was a live snake- real and hissing- and suddenly flying directly at my face before I could even realize, and right before it did, I asked the lady something like if she thought it would come near us, and just before I woke up, it was about to bite me in the face. it was moving so fast and so close to me that i’m sure it bit me- I just wasn’t asleep and dreaming anymore when it did. what reminded me of the dream was that I was just looking in the mirror and noticed I have this little rash that popped up that looks like a snake bite, near the bottom of my chin, there’s two puncture-looking wounds there.

The yunnan seems to either not be working or not be working well enough for me to continue taking it, as I still feel bad-really dry and puffy and inflamed- especially when I first wake up in the mornings. Stopped today, and only took one pill yesterday (took three the day before, though). I ordered this powdered colostrum from a company called Armra (saw an ad on Facebook), and idk. I mean, we’ll see- I’ll be consistent and take it and see if it works, but at this point I’m feeling a little sad and jaded bc i’ve tried so many supplements, diets, and topical things that don’t work.

Was staring outside today while working (went into the van to work because I was so cold in the house. it gets sauna-like in there on sunny days) and for some reason thought about how R told me once, in our early, pre-baby days, how when he was a kid and wondering about who he would end up with, he used to think to himself like, “maybe she’ll be born today, the girl of my dreams.” but then he added, when he was telling me this- “little did i know, she was already born!” – because I’m like 8 years older than him. I’ve thought about this memory a few times over the years since he told me and smiled at it because it’s a nice one, but today I had a new thought related to it, which went like: how god answers your prayers before you even pray them. how he prepares your way out before you even look to escape. and then my quiet unspoken hope from all this inference: that maybe he knew before I was even born how much I would suffer with my skin, and he already made the solution exist all around me, or very close to me, and I just have to find it- or just keep going to get to the part where I find it.   

started taking this “fulvic and humic” multimineral water supplement today that’s supposed to help skin. supposed to take 1 tbsp twice a day. I like the taste – earthy-sweet, and how it looks- dark like swamp water.

5/16/23

over the course of like one day, area on chin, right below lips, has erupted. Never got eczema here before. i’m not sick with any cough or sneeze or fever or cold or anything as far as I can tell- it’s just my skin. It’s a little painful, and very unsightly, mentally makes me feel bad and worried and sad for my appearance/health, makes me feel like withdrawing and not seeing or touching anyone until it goes away, but with husband and baby, that’s kind of impossible. So now I’m acting weird around them, like avoiding them, because of it. Drew tarot card this morning-just one- it was The Magician, a card I never got before. It’s a beautiful card, almost overwhelming with how full the illustrator (Kim Krans) stuffed the scene with symbolism. It’s all about action, she says. Action, action, action.

also, right before/while this was happening, felt lumps underneath my chin, like at the top of my throat, and today saw that it was bigger, and puffy- the lump right under my chin. I don’t know if this is any result from taking the yunnan paiyao, or if it would’ve happened anyway. No clue. But appetite is pretty lost right now as well. also worrying if this is contagious. can I pass this to Baby? He is always and forever smashing his face into me, constantly clinging to and touching and reaching for me. if it’s contagious, it would be so hard to avoid giving it to him.

worried also about showing face on zoom meeting tomorrow morning, which we have every Wednesday- how I’m going to hide it.  We also have our monthly meeting the next day, Thursday. Worried about how it’ll show up on screen. if I might wake up so bad tomorrow that I need to tell my manager about it in order to cancel/have permission to not show face, and how pitiful it would be if i had to ask for that. sounds messed up, but wondering if this is some sort of payback for having such a smooth abortion.

feeling the expectorant cough-y feeling again in my lungs, but have not taken yunnan for more than a day now and don’t plan to resume it. The looks of the inflamed area under my chin reminds me of when I went to the hospital so many months ago in December- I really hope I’m not like dying or have to go back to the hospital. Physically, I feel fine other than the weird lung feeling and the skin pain. and I have been getting not optimal, but decent sleep I think, since I’ve returned from the hospital like 5 months ago, so my immune function should be better. Even my Viome test results were rated “good” on both the immune system tests. But I don’t know what it is – I look so sick/like something’s wrong, if you judge it by my skin.

5/17/23

Something really cute he’s started to do: he’ll unlatch from breastfeeding after awhile and move down to my tummy, put his whole face on it and blow a raspberry so it makes a farting sound, and of course i crack up, and he does it over and over on all different places on my stomach until we’re both just laughing and laughing in the bed. he’s the funniest person- i sense he’s always either wanting to laugh or to make you laugh.

Thought (sarcastically) as I was laying in bed going to sleep tonight: “Yay, it’s so fun to be on the brink of death every few months.”

5/18/23

Are you only as beautiful as how well you take care of yourself?

Have been thinking a lot about the things I would want to have done before I die, because i feel closer than usual to death these last few days. Realized that while I would still want to have done some “chore-like” things like clean out my bedroom (still haven’t fully unpacked since moving here two years ago) and gone through my old poems to see if there was anything salvageable, I realized THE most important things to me are Hunter (I would want to make sure he knew mama loves him so much, and I would ask him to grow up to be a smart, strong, kind man), Rodrigo (romantic, generous, faithful, funny, lighthearted, calm, logical, pleasure-loving, handsome, sexy, shy, kind, polite- he was my One- my Last Love- my only husband and father of my only child- I would tell him go on and be happy and if that means another woman, I don’t care- I’m not here anymore it doesn’t matter), and my parents (I would tell mom that she was the best mom. she was. All those activities she shuffled us to and from. Standing at the sink peeling grapes one by one, just so they would be nicer for us to eat. And dad- that he was the best dad- that I’m so glad he didn’t try to be an aggressive “model man” like he had all the answers – I loved that he let me be independent and let me grow how I wanted, and admitted when he didn’t know things. I had the best life. The best life. Please don’t let me die yet).

this week, had a relapse of eczema herpeticum (it’s what was happening since the beginning of the week- maybe even before that- but i didn’t realize what it was until I thought to Google the symptoms on Tuesday night when it started getting especially ugly/painful and also R urged me to do something, and then i remembered the tarot card too.) i’d originally planned to just wait it out to see if it got better, but that was the worst thing i could’ve done. This condition is what put me in the hospital for the first time back in December. I had ruled it out in my mind because I thought you had to have a fever or otherwise be sick for it to manifest, because that’s how it happened with me the first time, but I guess that part is optional, because all the other symptoms (like inflamed lymph nodes, skin pain, fast onset, and just the appearance of it) all fell into line. It didn’t seem as severe/widespread this time, so I went online and got the same antiviral pills (valacyclovir) they prescribed me when they discharged me from the hospital (started taking it yesterday, as soon as I could), hoping to stay out of there this time and avoid the costs (I’m still paying for that stay) and the intravenous drugs. I don’t want to go into too much detail about it because I’m still sick with it and sickened by thinking of it and sick of it (I thought it would never come back- that that one time would be the only time), so this is all I’ll say about it: it’s the worst thing you can imagine, aesthetic-wise, and it’s on your face. Each time you pass by a mirror = mental dystopia. and it hurts- the pain is throbbing, stabbing, shooting and sickly strange- not in a good way. and if not treated early, it can cause blindness and/or kill you- via organ failure ultimately. and it’s rare (lucky me).

I learned some things about myself during this time, though. I learned what’s really important to me, and got in this minimalist mindset, which I kind of had before, but I’m even more committed to now because now I see the value and meaning of only keeping what’s precious and pushing all other things away. the realization of time running out and the urgency/clarity that follows. I learned that I need to relax more- not just in my physical activities (like not do so many chores one after the other- take breaks), but also with my mind conversations- like how I talk to myself- I need to be more generous and kind I think. i’m kind of stern with myself usually. I chastise myself a lot, i realized. I learned that I should take time to do things I enjoy, that give me pleasure, and not just work and keep house all day. because when I thought I might die this week, I didn’t want to die having just done chore after chore after chore all week, so in between I made sure I watched some Netflix shows I liked, that I ate a little ice cream, that I did other stuff that made me happy- stuff I didn’t give myself time to indulge in before I got sick. it changes you, sickness. maybe for the better. You suddenly look around for what truly- society and peers and media all aside- what truly makes you happy, and you follow them like butterflies- you lead yourself deeper and deeper into the forest of self-discovery.

5/19/23

The beginning of the week’s dreams were not good, but now they’ve started becoming so nice. had some sensual ones that I woke up happy and peaceful from.

The bedtime breastfeed: 80% baby torturing me to sleep (coming on and off, biting, squeezing other nipple, slapping me in the face, scratching me, continuously poking his finger into my belly button) and 20% him lullabying me to sleep with angel cuteness. sometimes a combination of both of these in one sitting.

5/6/23

prayed in the dark in bed before I got up this morning. “thank you from my life God. give me grace and strength to live it. Thank you for my life.”

5/8/23

just on saturday night, skin started feeling bad (inflamed-feeling, hivey-like spots in the usual areas plus some in random arm-and-leg places). not sure why. ate kind of crap food at kid’s bday party (some meatballs, pizza, potato chips, pretzels…but didn’t eat much of any of it, just kind of sampled them). Seeing a lot of pollen on things (Hunter’s play cars and other stuff we keep outside have this coating of yellow-green dust) when I’ve been outside, and spent like the whole day Saturday outside- is it the pollen? idk. Not much else changed/deviated from the norm (except recently not pregnant anymore). today (monday) still feeling puffy (even around eyes are puffy) and irritated. R thinks he’s coming down with something, like in his throat in addition to sneezing- but I don’t feel sick – just allergic. To something. After I showered last night, didn’t help- felt kind of worse. After shower got hive-y around mouth , even a spot on chin that I thought was a mosquito bite (but couldn’t find any trace of mosquitoes). Also started getting what I think was a heat headache yesterday- felt hot/overheated like all weekend (after it being cold and rainy all last week).

5/9/23

never thought I would be doing things like keeping little toys and stickers in my pocket. but i am (he needs “surprises” or else he might refuse to get in the car/carseat, or let me change him, or follow me where we need to go, or just gets easily bored). Or watching the weirdest YouTube videos ever – backwards and inverted colors and distorted sound versions of hickory dickory dock and baby shark, Wednesday Addams vs Donald Duck vs Baby Shark vs CoComelon, just videos I can’t even imagine why someone would bother to create them. but Hunter is entranced, so I watch with him.

Also, past few days, skin feels really bad. Hive-y, dry, irritated. My face today feels monstrous even though I’ve carefully moisturized it twice over a span of just like 3 hours. skin feels stiff and puffy at the same time. I guess the pregnancy hormones have worn off. I’m sad things might be going back to how they were, but won’t give up looking for a solution. i’m hopeful that once I start taking birth control pills, which are a combination of estrogen and progesterone – the two hormones that rise when pregnant- that maybe I’ll see a good skin change. But have to wait till Baby is weaned from breastfeeding before I can start, so the pills don’t interfere with his body/development. For now, we just hid condoms all around the house.

5/10/23

skin still feeling bad and raised, so I wanted to do something, take some action to intercept this before it gets too bad and not just watch on helplessly. But something not too dangerous while breastfeeding. Was researching red clover, but everywhere on google it was saying to not take while breastfeeding. So started taking the Yunnan Paiyao capsules I had- they’re supposedly made of Chinese herbs- that my aunt sent me back in December when she found out I was in the hospital, that I hadn’t used yet. never tried this before. I greatly reduced the dosage (it said four times daily take 1-2 capsules, and I took just 1 capsule only two times). researched online if I could take this while breastfeeding, and found mixed results. Also, figured that since the package itself came with instructions that included a dosage for children starting at 2 yrs old, it couldn’t be that bad? 1 to 2 hours after I took the first pill, noticed a weird taste when swallowing, kind of like an iron taste, not sure if I was imagining it, or it was the result of something else. but also started to feel a little better, like in my head there was a lighter feeling. also got a weird feeling in my lung area, like i just coughed, but am not coughing at all. a feeling of expelling without the physical act of it, is the best i can describe it.

5/11/23

I can’t believe how fast the days are passing, the weeks. It’s day, it’s night, it’s day, it’s night. and I barely have time to clean up after myself.

everything turning green in the forest around the house, and the days are smelling lovely, like wood and grass and growth. I still think my skin is maybe allergic to all the pollen though. if we are walking at dusk around here, bats flying overhead and flitting in front of our faces every few seconds. it’s really beautiful.

Took yunnan paiyao again today, and again feel the weird constricting coughy feeling in lungs I think because of it, because I don’t usually feel this, and i always feel it within the hour or two after I take it. Skin feels…halted, as in not getting better, but not getting worse. If it stays like this after tomorrow, will up the dosage from 2 pills to 3 pills a day and see what happens. But I don’t think I’ll go higher than three a day, just to be safe.

when I am at my lowest, do I hate myself? – Sharon Olds, from her poem “Nevada City, California, Aria”

5/2/23

i looked at his face for so many mornings and he was a baby. Now just this morning, he is not one, anymore.

The reason it’s so easy to blame others: then you don’t have to do any work. you have nothing to fix or correct or study or work on, if it’s someone else’s fault.

5/3/23

it was only when i sat down with my berry oatmeal that i realized how pink i am today

5/4/23

wow, not bleeding anymore. Finally. It’s been ten days.

5/5/23

Got my Viome test results back on Saturday. They’re interesting, and helpful possibly, but I’m not sure if they’re $289-worth helpful. Gave me a list of a bunch of foods to either Enjoy, Avoid, or Minimize based on my samples I sent in. Since then, some foods I’ve wondered if I can enjoy or not, are not listed, so that’s unhelpful – wish the list was longer, more comprehensive. And then, some of the foods on my avoid/minimize list are a pain to avoid because they’re in everything (garlic, onions, eggs) or something I liked (previous-listed, broccoli, peanut butter, more).  I can definitely use the suggestions to better navigate when I have in-my-face choices, but I’m not going to bend over backwards to follow the food list. So that was Viome.

Tiny Health, the test I did for Hunter, however, I feel was much more helpful and worth the $200. Got the results a few days ago. It showed a breakdown of his gut bacteria by the name of each bacteria, really cool (and he had like 80% beneficial Bifido-bacteria) and stuff to watch out for, like he has too high a percentage of this one potentially harmful “opportunistic pathogen” (Enterococcus faecium),  AS WELL AS suggestions to counter all the negative findings (of which there were not many), like pro- and pre-biotic suggestions, tips like touch more farm animals, get out in the wild/outside dirt more, as well as listing helpful foods and spices, and more. All stuff I could (and did) start to implement right away.

4/24/23

since deciding to have an abortion, have been dreading the pain a little. Maybe a few times every day, thinking it might hurt and worrying. But just today, a new thought occurred, which went something like: “to the extent you self-condemn and wish to punish yourself, that’s how much it will hurt.” Interesting, though I don’t know how true.

Took the first pill, mifepristone, around 8 AM this morning, now it’s 11 AM. I feel overwhelmingly sad, like I just finished crying hard, but I haven’t cried at all. I feel thin, delicate, vulnerable, breakable inside. Energy is really low, lethargic almost, but I can’t even describe it as lethargic. it’s like some all-encompassing feeling that’s arisen in me to just….lie down and not move or talk or make any sound ever again. To lie perfectly still until I don’t exist anymore. to not see or hear anyone – others are too much, and even myself is too much- i can’t even stand myself: Too full of guilt, too worm-infested and weighed down with guilt. even crying loud feels shameful to me. I just want everything to be quiet, quiet, quiet.

A big part of what is making me sad is that I was thinking how every single time (i’m like 99% sure) I’ve had sex since Baby was born, I did not initially feel like it, and did not initiate it, because I’ve been too tired, exhausted, feeling like no time, and not feeling pretty or myself at all, since the baby was born. like it was R who initiated it every time, but, of course, it was my decision, in response, to get into it or not, which, most times, I decided to get into it and ended up enjoying it. But I was regretting this now and thinking like, “if we never had sex- if he had just followed how I felt this entire time, I wouldn’t be in this position right now.” like I’m regretting the sex, which I never in my life as a naturally amorous and sensuous person, is something I thought I would regret, which in itself is making me really sad. i’m thinking and wondering seriously like: should I just never have sex again? is it the best thing to do to avoid this pain and suffering? it’s the only 100% effective contraceptive. every other instance of sex in the future, no matter what birth control we use, there’s a chance I might have to either go through this again, or have another baby.

i laid down around noon but don’t remember sleeping at all. i felt like i had been awake and alert the whole time when R came in the room. but when he came in i looked at the clock again and it was 1 pm, so i must have slept. when i got up i cried hard, and screamed loud when i thought R had left the house. Just all this anger came out in one quick but intensely guttural scream. was in my mind questioning everything: if i regret marrying him, if i regret everything- ever meeting him. if i really want a bigger family or to be with someone who could provide for a bigger family…or if it’s all just guilt- my own guilt. And again the feeling of overwhelming unfairness over how we both participated equally (somewhat) in the sex, yet I alone am the one who bears all the physical consequences – this alone feeling of being trapped in my body, trapped by my biology. And how much all these thoughts were stemming from my own mind vs. the effects the pill- the mifepristone i took this morning.

I think most of it was chemical, because I was also thinking thoughts like, “why am I folding this laundry if all the clothes are going to get dirty again anyway?” And “why am I making the beds, for the same reason,” etc. – a pretty abnormal outlook for me.

then after I woke up from the supposed nap, and cried hard, and R brought me a chocolate milkshake later, I started feeling better. when he was actually present with me in the room, I didn’t feel any animosity towards him- only love, and the usual openness. I think it was all in my mind. But in the moment, it seemed so real.

4/25/23

“the empyrean of quiet” – sharon olds

took misoprostol vaginally today, 10:48 am. laid down, was tired.

just an hour later, feeling something. hurt when sneezed, but no pain yet other than that.

first blood gushes around 12:40 PM

contractions feel mild.

4:28 pm: just a lot of blood spurting these past few hours, but no more pain/discomfort than a regular period. every cramp that seems to be nearing painful, resides before it does. Was able to do all the things I normally can during a period, and was not confined to the bed writhing in pain like I thought I would be. appetite greatly reduced all day today, and yesterday too, kind of.

4/26/23

had a dream last night (well it was early in the morning, between nursing baby and falling asleep again) that when I woke up from it, I closed my eyes and kept trying to remember and remember and even fall into again, because it felt so good. I feel like I only remember like 30% of it now. but I was in some strange place, like a different dimension, or a crowded party, it was dark, but a festively chaotic atmosphere. some kind of matrix/black blueprint-looking place. And there were maybe three separate occasions-three different guys that maybe I’ve seen before (irl do not know them)- but when I looked at them in the dream, they seemed just so newly attractive to me, I was attracted to each, and they to me, subtly, we were eyeing each other on each occasion, we were reaching out. Tentatively, softly, things were almost in slow motion. And then there was this scene with me and rodrigo, I am lying on my back with my head in his lap- he’s sitting- while i was talking to my boss (weirdly), who is standing, and we’re all in this different dimension still, and Rodrigo interrupts by leaning his head down and kissing me, the sweetest slowest, most open-mouthed, explorative kiss, and it was heavenly, heavenly. It was the last thing I remember.

gushes have stopped, just slow blood now. just trickling.

skin (all parts previously bad- feet, leg and neck, hands) still on the mend, improving, it’s obvious. and seems systematic. i’ll see if (and when) the downward spiral starts again. Maybe soon, since i’m no longer pregnant? what i hope for- my dearest hope- is for it to keep getting better and never return.

i feel so much better not pregnant. relieved, relief. i feel more myself. i don’t want to be pregnant anymore- at least not anytime in the near future. I’m relieved about everything- going through the physical pain and it still maybe not working- i was so worried before. I didn’t even know about Hey Jane- R told me about it- i thought i had to physically go into the clinic. Doing this was so much easier to juggle with work and planning it out for the best time (aka when baby wasn’t here). i’d actually called one local place before he told me about Hey Jane, and they told me to expect to wait there 4-6 hours at my appointment, and i was wondering how i’d take that time off so suddenly (need to give two weeks’ notice for PTO). Also they quoted me it’d be $560 for the pills, whereas with Hey Jane, we only paid $250.

4/27/23

baby pooed a huge one this morning, and i was washing him in the shower. i took a step back from the tub near the end and suddenly realized my hands were not hurting- nowhere near the pain they had been all these past months. it was maybe the first time i’ve showered baby and my hands not hurt (it was just the most distant and minimal of stinging that can hardly be called stinging, that went away fast when i rubbed it). i felt…happy at this. more put together, more myself, relieved, strong, stronger. i want with all my heart to never go back to how it was, and part of me worries that it might, that this physical (and consequently mental) relief is just fleeting.

appetite still not really back yet, have no urge to snack like I usually do. Just eating small basic meals like 2-3x a day. sometimes I try to think what I might like to eat, but can’t even picture anything specific. I really must be not pregnant anymore.

been feeling a kind of drastic, it seems, mood change. I feel…high. in love. For the past two days. like it’s…like love is residing close to me, like it’s just fingertip-length reach all the time, surrounding me all the time. I haven’t felt this way in a long time, I think. I feel like I’m swaying in the middle of a crowd at a wonderfully loud concert, breathing in the weed-laced air – it feels like a chemical change, almost. But…I don’t know what caused it- I’m not taking any medication- except it all started the day after the abortion. Maybe it was the release from all the worry, after seeing it went well and I had nothing to worry about? Maybe (definitely?) it’s hormone/chemical changes from losing the pregnancy. But I feel like what it most was, was the dream. The dream I had the other morning where I kissed my husband, we kissed each other. I feel like it all started then. And I feel, as a result of this love-high vibration, this reserve—this storage of strength and energy, at my core. Like I had energy, this morning, to take care of Baby for a few hours, until around 11 am. I didn’t feel so tired when I woke up that I needed to immediately pass him off to my dad, like I usually do. A sort of slow-burning, high energy now. So surprising, suddenly. And coming from where- I don’t know. Somewhere.

4/28/23

just yesterday, I noticed baby says “yea” now instead of yes. He must’ve just realized he can do that and that they mean the same thing.

today, blood coming a little more red and liquidy (yesterday it was more brown and not very much). I do feel my uterus is still open and contracting. I guess it’s not a straight line to being bloodless, it’s kind of wavering back and forth. This is not the same as my normal period, which does follow a straight line from bloody to bloodless.

what i told myself today while baby nursed for two hours straight (from about 4:30-6:45) and i was so hungry: “you’re not gonna faint and you’re not gonna die, so you’re fine.” but I had reached a point of the-world-is-ending feeling of hunger.

4/29/23

weighed myself at 97 pounds today, gained 9 pounds since last weighed months ago. happy about that- it’s closer to my normal weight. R is still sleeping with Baby every night, I think that’s a big contributing factor to how I was able to gain it back.

4/30/23

prayed last night as I lay in bed before sleep: dear God, please let this keep going and never go back. Let it never go back. Please bless my skin and bless my body. Amen.

4/16/23

skin still doing better, even improving. I’m not even using any one medicine really consistently.

4/17/23

pic i took of myself this past friday and liked

now I know why I got that ecstatic feeling when eating melon the other week- I thought it was just a really good melon, but it was my taste hypersensitivity coming back from being pregnant, like I had when I was carrying Hunter.

was thinking: is it possible that some pregnancies are not meant to be followed through? like they are just placeholders in order to teach you something.

I thought I was maybe not healthy enough- I still don’t feel  100%, definitely. But I guess you don’t have to feel 100% to get pregnant. I just wasn’t thinking/didn’t care enough and irresponsible, I see now. like i’ve felt so uncharacteristic-of-my-life bad these past 19 months (not to mention being seriously hospitalized just 3-4 months ago), i think i assumed i wasn’t healthy enough for it to happen? i shouldn’t have. i shouldn’t have.

4/18/23

cried a lot yesterday. a lot. feel better today, less stressed. more at peace with everything, with the soul temporarily residing inside of me.

feeling the food ecstasies/cravings, feeling very tired and nappy lately, and also my gums started getting really tender already. I think these are all pregnancy symptoms; they remind me of my first pregnancy with Hunter.

I am strongly leaning towards the theory that my skin problems are not derived from my diet. because my diet hasn’t changed at all lately, but my skin has improved (thinning down, smoother, less itchy) faster over the last few days/weeks than any other time I can recall in recent memory (aside from those times of topical steroid use, which I haven’t done in many many months). It seems pretty sudden. Also my exercise is not consistent at all, no new additions or subtractions in my diet, and I’m not using any topical balm consistently at all- the only new change really is that I recently became pregnant, which certainly changes your hormones and immune system, and who knows what else. So my theory is that the problem is rooted more in some hormonal or chemical imbalance or insufficiency or something that already exists in my body. and it’s something about the early stage of pregnancy, because I had a breakout for a while during the later stages, carrying Hunter (but again, at the beginning of that pregnancy, no breakout and felt good, if I remember correctly).

4/19/23

things lost. things lost. things never to be found again. someone- a close relation of the highest intensity- who i’ll never meet, who is swirling lifeless down the drain. by my own hand.

4/20/23

biting, biting, biting me all this week nursing…we think his last teeth (molars) are coming in.

4/21/23

wow, I actually slept last night for more than four hours. I think it might’ve been five or six hours. feel good.

4/23/23

wondering when the day will come when every day stops feeling like a race against time. It all started the day we brought baby home from the hospital, and hasn’t ended yet, for 19 months, since then.

quick summary of how I found out last week: it was Mon. 4/10 I felt the familiar abdominal twinge in the morning that felt like period was coming, and it was around the time I should have gotten it (period’s only been back the past like three months, but still has been pretty regular). I was so certain it was coming that I even  snapped in a cloth pad before I saw any evidence of it, in anticipation. But the whole day passed, and nothing. Oh well, it would come in the next few days. So the next day, and the next passed, but nothing. And the week flew by as usual, and on Friday we went to the beach and came back and still no sign of it so that by the end of the day, when R was running out to the store and asked me if I wanted anything, I said, “Yes. A pregnancy test.” Then: “No, nevermind. They’re like twenty dollars, I’ll look for it on Facebook marketplace.” Then R was like, “What? don’t do that – what if they sell you a faulty test?!” and he came back with a test and said it was like $10, not $20. And I took them, both of them that night, as soon as I had to pee, and they both right away (within like the first minute) showed up positive.

4/9/23

since after my bath last night (baby fell asleep around 11:30, I got in the bath around midnight, and got out and went to bed around one in the morning), i’ve been feeling pretty good, better than usual regarding skin, which in turn affects my overall total mood. I think what also contributed was i was excited for our egg hunt today in our backyard, have been prepping for it- decorating, stuffing eggs with stickers and hiding them, and it was a nice day out today.

I also just started using this silver gel (made by “Silver Wings”) I got from Sprouts, but I can’t tell if that’s what’s helping because it’s only been a matter of days. Would have to,I guess, go through another breakout and apply this gel, and see if my skin starts responding positively in a few days, again. An experiment I would not at all wish on myself to go through.

in addition to all that, I also started visualizing a little: came across a FB friend’s photo of his bare feet on beach sand, and i made it my phone wallpaper so that every time I open my phone and see it, I try to imagine what it might feel like to have normal smooth feet-skin. I don’t know if it was this, the gel, the Easter happiness, maybe none of these, maybe a combination of these- again, I’m not sure why my skin is feeling a little better now. or maybe it’s the bitter weeds I’ve been eating on my backyard walks that’s helping. (update 4/17: maybe it was none of this and just hormones from being fucking pregnant, which I just found out at night on 4/14. will write about maybe next week, too stressed about it now.)

4/10/23

I had a dream early this morning between when baby finished nursing around 8 o’clock and when he woke up again around 9:20. it was so clear when I dreamt it, but now I can’t remember everything. I just remember my emotions were really strong during. Was in a church, but not a conventional church, it was more like a New Age church. The service was interesting, I think I liked it, I felt compassion coming from the leaders. something done up there during the service-I forget what now- made me think of how much my body has changed or aged (I notice little things, even though the new white hairs and stuff don’t really show up in pictures) because of pregnancy and birth, and it upset me and I started crying really hard in the dream (but it felt like I was crying in real life). I remember at one point thinking if God would see this deep ache and desire I have within my body to not be swept away by the negative changes motherhood brings, with the stress and the no time and everything- but most of all, the like, physical beauty toll it takes. At the same time, I heard a voice in my head asking me, “did you think you would stay the same forever?”

he just went for a few weeks (it seemed) without biting me much during nursing, but then last night, he started again, chomping, the biting down hard, really hurt so that I started crying. Started wearing the bone tooth necklace around my neck today again because of it, to loosen his bite when it’s locked on my nipple at the end of nursing.

today, even though I slept for a little bit in the morning after Baby left, I was extra tired and lethargic all day, and didn’t have much appetite, and felt irritable. I think period is coming soon. (update 4/17: it’s not fucking coming anytime soon.)

4/11/23

I feel like one of the main themes / lessons regarding having a kid is loss of control. There are so many things you can’t control, even in pregnancy and with the birth, and just with your child’s personality- how they are, what they like. and then there are so many toys and not only toys, they pick up everything- especially the things you don’t want them to- and put them down in all kinds of different places and are just moving, moving moving all the time that it’s impossible to keep track of all your physical things and belongings- they could end up anywhere- between the couch, behind places you didn’t even think to look. it’s definitely opening yourself up to more chaos when you have a kid I think, but most of the time, it also feels in line with the natural pull of the universe, somehow, to me.

I feel like one of the things that being with R has taught me is that you can’t really be perfectly ready for anything. Like, when I met him (i wasn’t expecting to really like anyone). Or when I married him (i wasn’t even thinking of a wedding or anything when he asked), or when I had the baby (we weren’t trying – i mean i wasn’t, at least), i never  felt truly prepared because I didn’t know what to expect with any of it, I just knew that I loved him. But it all turned out great, beautiful, maybe better than if I had waited and waited. And maybe it was a subconscious reason i was attracted to him – knowing he had this strong impulsive side – because I deep down knew if it were up to me with these big things like kid-having and marriage, I would have tried to forever perfect things/prepare for them and reach the end of my life having done none of them.

4/14/23

today, tried on a new dress, and was looking in the mirror, and thinking how much more comfortable I am with my boobs. I think it started during middle school- this fixation that both the girls and guys had with having good / perfect boobs. And the way I measured up, I guess, I concluded that mine were OK, on the small side but I’m a small girl, and I guess proportionate to my body, but not like the big supermodel-in-swimsuits kind. But today, when I looked at them, I realized all they had done in the past 19 months (all they had been through and survived), the precious boy-life they have sustained, and I’m so much more okay with them now, because I know what they can do. like they’ve been tested, and passed.

4/14-15/23

some thoughts i had tonight:

she’d be born in january.

you think you’re tired now.

i said i would never again.

But i call Hunter “Baby.” what will i call him then, after the baby baby is here?

how did this happen?

i can’t do it.

i haven’t even fully recovered from the last one yet.

who will watch Hunter? who will care for me?

my husband needs a vasectomy tomorrow.

would it be good or bad for Hunter? better or worse for him?

can my body even physically handle breastfeeding and being pregnant at the same time?

do I even have anything more to give?

anything could happen with this pregnancy/birth – maybe you got lucky with Hunter, why don’t you quit while you’re ahead.

why would you do that to yourself? Like why would you knowingly punish yourself by having a baby, after all the self-admitted, journaled-right-here torture you’ve been through – why would you- full knowingly this time around- do it again?