dinosaur stickers everywhere

6/9/23

“say yes to only the things you want to say yes to, and no to the things that you want to say no to.”

-Maria Chowdhury in her Postpartum Healing soundcloud post

6/13/23

after picking up baby from nanny today (we started bringing him there tues and thursdays, since last week, and Mon Wed Fri my parents watch him) and playing with him at home and looking at his nails, realized why they “didn’t grow” last week- she’s cutting them! Amazing- i thought i’d be the one doing it for the next like 8 more years, hunched over in the dark with that flashlight-clipper after he’s fallen asleep late at night…it’s a nice break. Though I noticed she cuts them really short- seeing pink- and on one of his toes, it was cut too close- could see the slight redness where it scabbed over. so far, MY track record of cutting his nails is zero blood draws (just once i did, when first starting out, when he was a newborn). the way she clips them, maybe he’d last 2 weeks before another clipping is needed. The way i do, he needs it weekly, but at least i greatly reduce the risk of hurting him. Which is like always my plan.

6/14/23

every time you’re scared = just another opportunity to show courage.

6/15/23

some nights this week, skin pain on my foot was so bad that while nursing, i almost wanted baby to bite me (instead of dreading it like usual), bc that acute pain would at least momentarily distract and make me forget my other constant, dull but agonizing pain.

finding dinosaur stickers everywhere now. Stuck to the bottom of my socks, falling out of the washed laundry.

recently, obsessed with rosemary- I love the smell and kind of always have. Using the essential oil and also the hydrosol on skin. convinced it will help heal me.

6/17/23

thinking how when I went to the hospital in December, if not for that access to modern medicine, that I probably would have died. So feeling like this is kind of the beginning of my second life, with Baby. He killed me, but through i guess just luck of being born in the place I was (1st world country) and the time i was (after antiviral meds were created) and support from my family and a whole bunch of medical staff that i don’t personally know (but am so grateful to, for my life), I’m a new person.