5/6/23
prayed in the dark in bed before I got up this morning. “thank you from my life God. give me grace and strength to live it. Thank you for my life.”
5/8/23
just on saturday night, skin started feeling bad (inflamed-feeling, hivey-like spots in the usual areas plus some in random arm-and-leg places). not sure why. ate kind of crap food at kid’s bday party (some meatballs, pizza, potato chips, pretzels…but didn’t eat much of any of it, just kind of sampled them). Seeing a lot of pollen on things (Hunter’s play cars and other stuff we keep outside have this coating of yellow-green dust) when I’ve been outside, and spent like the whole day Saturday outside- is it the pollen? idk. Not much else changed/deviated from the norm (except recently not pregnant anymore). today (monday) still feeling puffy (even around eyes are puffy) and irritated. R thinks he’s coming down with something, like in his throat in addition to sneezing- but I don’t feel sick – just allergic. To something. After I showered last night, didn’t help- felt kind of worse. After shower got hive-y around mouth , even a spot on chin that I thought was a mosquito bite (but couldn’t find any trace of mosquitoes). Also started getting what I think was a heat headache yesterday- felt hot/overheated like all weekend (after it being cold and rainy all last week).
5/9/23
never thought I would be doing things like keeping little toys and stickers in my pocket. but i am (he needs “surprises” or else he might refuse to get in the car/carseat, or let me change him, or follow me where we need to go, or just gets easily bored). Or watching the weirdest YouTube videos ever – backwards and inverted colors and distorted sound versions of hickory dickory dock and baby shark, Wednesday Addams vs Donald Duck vs Baby Shark vs CoComelon, just videos I can’t even imagine why someone would bother to create them. but Hunter is entranced, so I watch with him.
Also, past few days, skin feels really bad. Hive-y, dry, irritated. My face today feels monstrous even though I’ve carefully moisturized it twice over a span of just like 3 hours. skin feels stiff and puffy at the same time. I guess the pregnancy hormones have worn off. I’m sad things might be going back to how they were, but won’t give up looking for a solution. i’m hopeful that once I start taking birth control pills, which are a combination of estrogen and progesterone – the two hormones that rise when pregnant- that maybe I’ll see a good skin change. But have to wait till Baby is weaned from breastfeeding before I can start, so the pills don’t interfere with his body/development. For now, we just hid condoms all around the house.
5/10/23
skin still feeling bad and raised, so I wanted to do something, take some action to intercept this before it gets too bad and not just watch on helplessly. But something not too dangerous while breastfeeding. Was researching red clover, but everywhere on google it was saying to not take while breastfeeding. So started taking the Yunnan Paiyao capsules I had- they’re supposedly made of Chinese herbs- that my aunt sent me back in December when she found out I was in the hospital, that I hadn’t used yet. never tried this before. I greatly reduced the dosage (it said four times daily take 1-2 capsules, and I took just 1 capsule only two times). researched online if I could take this while breastfeeding, and found mixed results. Also, figured that since the package itself came with instructions that included a dosage for children starting at 2 yrs old, it couldn’t be that bad? 1 to 2 hours after I took the first pill, noticed a weird taste when swallowing, kind of like an iron taste, not sure if I was imagining it, or it was the result of something else. but also started to feel a little better, like in my head there was a lighter feeling. also got a weird feeling in my lung area, like i just coughed, but am not coughing at all. a feeling of expelling without the physical act of it, is the best i can describe it.
5/11/23
I can’t believe how fast the days are passing, the weeks. It’s day, it’s night, it’s day, it’s night. and I barely have time to clean up after myself.
everything turning green in the forest around the house, and the days are smelling lovely, like wood and grass and growth. I still think my skin is maybe allergic to all the pollen though. if we are walking at dusk around here, bats flying overhead and flitting in front of our faces every few seconds. it’s really beautiful.
Took yunnan paiyao again today, and again feel the weird constricting coughy feeling in lungs I think because of it, because I don’t usually feel this, and i always feel it within the hour or two after I take it. Skin feels…halted, as in not getting better, but not getting worse. If it stays like this after tomorrow, will up the dosage from 2 pills to 3 pills a day and see what happens. But I don’t think I’ll go higher than three a day, just to be safe.
when I am at my lowest, do I hate myself? – Sharon Olds, from her poem “Nevada City, California, Aria”
Marriage Journal 